Oh, Arnie. You have certainly sparked some pretty intense conversations with my husband. Suddenly, I am finding myself smelling the crotch of his pants when he walks through the door from work. Okay, maybe it’s not that bad (that would just be excessive), but I have made it more than clear to him that he will not be pulling an “Arnold Schwarzenegger” on me.
But, how could Maria not have known that he was cheating? I mean really, the man was accused of groping women. And, if she did know that he was cheating, why would she stay? And why the heck did he cheat in the first place?
Curvy Girl Guide readers, if you’re asking yourself these same questions, I have some answers for you! I went straight to the horse’s mouth, interviewing cheaters and cheatees (both men and women, on both sides of this issue). Some of the answers will solidify your deepest fears, maybe cue you into something going on in your own relationship, and probably surprise you.
Let’s get started. Shall we?
WHY DID YOU CHEAT?
- I cheated because he was cheating on me. I just got sick of worrying about him all the time. I needed attention as well.
- It was over. It had been over for months. We didn’t even care enough to fight about anything anymore. We were basically just roommates, but neither of us had the heart to call it off.
- She stopped having sex with me when she was pregnant. I know that sounds so bad. But I really didn’t want to have sex with her either. So I hooked up a few times with an old girlfriend from college.
- It was a crappy adolescent relationship that went on for far too long.
- I married her because it seemed like the next step. It was a bad decision. I wanted out within six months. She wanted to stay together. It began in the strip clubs…
- We weren’t married yet. So I don’t think that counts.
- I was so wasted. I felt so terrible the next morning. I still do. You aren’t going to put my name out there, are you?
- My ex-girlfriend and I began chatting on Facebook. I would literally be talking to her while she was laying next to me in bed cheating. Even though we never ended up meeting up, the conversation was something that I would consider cheating. It went on for months.
- It’s a rush. I cheat on him because he does nothing for me anymore. I have someone that spoils me, tells me I am beautiful, tells me he loves me. Don’t get me wrong, my husband is a great dad and used to be a great husband, but the spark is gone.
- She stopped having sex with me. When we did have sex, she would just lay there.
- She was just a nasty woman. I married her, and she immediately got nasty. I’m not talking about her looks, although she lets those slip as well. I’m saying that she was a bitch to me all the time. I hated her.
- I didn’t feel like he wanted me anymore. My new husband was actually who I was cheating on my ex with. Turns out, I found my soul mate! Our timing was just a little off.
- We’re animals. It’s not natural for us to be with just one person at a time. Google it. Men need some “strange” every now and then. It doesn’t mean I don’t love you or that I don’t want to be with you. It just means I’m a man. A red blooded man. Any man who says otherwise is lying.
YOU WERE CHEATED ON? THAT SUCKS. DID YOU SALVAGE THE RELATIONSHIP?
- I left him. Well, I guess I knew for a few months, but I didn’t have any hard proof. Once I actually caught him – I left him. He would lie about everything, and I knew it. But for some reason I just had to catch him and be sure.
- I stayed. I was so crazy about her. It was pretty early in our relationship, so I forgave her. It was hard to forget though.
- I stayed with him. He promised to change. I caught him with my best friend three months later. Cheetahs never change their spots.
- I think I threw him out and took him back no less than four times before he stopped cheating on me. Now we’re married and have four children. It just took him awhile to sew those wild oats. Boys will be boys.
- I was the other woman. We’re married now. His ex-wife would tell you that he ended up leaving her.
- I don’t trust her now, but we’re still working on it. We have kids, a mortgage, a life together. It’s not easy to just leave.
- I thought she would change. She was doing it while I worked nights. I finally had it after months of knowing that she was acting shady. I told her that I had to work overtime, I came home early, and I walked in on them. She tried to come back to me, but I was done. It shattered me, but I had to leave.
- I couldn’t see myself without him, and I certainly didn’t want HER to have him.
- I was actually the cheater. I left her. I still think about her. Do you ever think about someone like they’re the “one that got away?”
- I was in an emotionally abusive relationship, caring for a newborn, and only 23 years old. That’s why I stayed. I would have stayed longer, if he had just cheated on me LESS, or less flagrantly. I’m glad I left mind you. But I didn’t want to at the time, especially since it involved food-stamps and stuff.
- I was totally blindsided when he told me that he was never coming back home after 26 years of marriage. He is coming back Saturday to mow the grass and “talk.”
- No. However, I tried to make it work. What the hell else are you going to do after being in a relationship for 6 years? It just kept on rearing its ugly head, about once a week. Finally, 6 months later, it was time to make the move out. However, it wasn’t just from my own inner strength. One of my best friends had just broken up with his girlfriend and had a 2-bedroom apartment that he couldn’t afford. These things happen for a reason. If this didn’t happen, I wouldn’t have been able to marry my soulmate. If it weren’t for her and Lars I don’t know where I would be today, certainly not with our other two children. Remember, there may be a closed door, but one might have opened.
WHAT WERE THE SIGNS?
- He would always put me to voicemail when he was “out with his friends.”
- I was truly blindsided. I know that sounds impossible, but when you’re raising your babies, you can just miss the signs.
- He started working out and buying new clothes.
- She started to care more about her appearance.
- She stopped talking to me about, well, anything! And this girl loved to talk.
- He would go to the store all the time. Like for everything. No man goes to the store five times a day.
- She was never happy around me anymore, but when her friends were around, she seemed very vibrant. They would leave, and she was back to being miserable.
- The kids started doing everything with us. It was like she was making it impossible for us to have any alone time.
- He password protected his phone and changed the password to his email and bank account.
- He started to delete all of his texts and emails. He never used to do that.
- He started to be really nice to me. He was sort of a jerk, and then all of the sudden he was overly nice and wanted to have sex all the time. I think he felt guilty.
- He became a huge ass. Can I say “ass?” Anyway, he was super mean to me all the time and never wanted to spend time together.
- I just had a gut feeling. Turns out I was right. I found him at her house. The saddest thing is that I couldn’t leave my son at home (he was a baby at the time), so I am figuring this out with him in the backseat of our van.
- Define signs. If I call home at 11:00PM and there is no answer 3 out of 4 or 5 days a week, then yeah, I was suspicious of something going on. Other than the time I came home early from work and found her and him butt-ass naked on my couch in my home….No, I don’t know what signs I should be looking for.
Let’s hear your story! Are you an Arnold or a Maria? Do you have any advice for cheaters or cheatees? What are the signs?
Part of me thinks I shouldn’t respond. Because at least one comment above made me angry. I’m a former-Maria. ‘Men’ are not made to cheat, and if you tell yourself that – you’re lying to yourself. Stop with the excuses and own up to your actions. If you don’t want to be in a relationship – get out of it first. Done. And loving someone means not hurting them, and cheating on someone REALLY HURTS them. Talk it out and be honest and upfront (including your intentions) – and if the person isn’t okay with it, get out. It isn’t your life to ruin. Cheating is completely selfish.
I tried to make it work. I was the long-term relationship, keep trying, why throw away that many years, it got better but it never went away, etc. Then I gave up. Best decision I ever made. A chronic cheater is a cheater, and it wasn’t my fault so I was done letting it ruin who I was and how I felt about myself. I value relationships and trust. I can’t stand cheaters and liars.
If someone is taken – leave them alone. If you’re taken – figure it out and/or talk it out or leave. Don’t screw with other people’s relationships or feelings. It sucks.
“If someone is taken – leave them alone. If you’re taken – figure it out and/or talk it out or leave. Don’t screw with other people’s relationships or feelings. It sucks.”
Best. Advice. EVER!
I was a Maria. I think I knew subconsciously that something was up. I kept having very vivid dreams about him cheating. He actually started to get really suspicious and jealous towards me, which in hindsight was obviously projection. One day I looked at our phone bill and saw tons of texts and calls from a girl he works with. I hacked his email account and hit paydirt. It was the night before my bridal shower. It never got to a physical stage, but he was certainly cheating on an emotional level for months. We went through with the wedding and I know how incredibly sorry he is for what he did. It’s a constant struggle for me, though, to know that he still works with her every day.
You are a strong lady. Mine would be finding a new J-O-B. I am weak.
I am happy that you were able to make it work. It’s nice to hear stories of overcoming very difficult sitautions. I think it’s a testimate of your love for one another.
I knew he was cheating but I couldnt prove it. We stopped having sex, I started finding porn hidden everywhere, he kept his phone on him at ALL times and constantly sent calls to voicemail. I found a condom wrapper under the bed (it was in a hotel room so I couldnt prove it was his). I read a text from a friend of ours that said, “I miss you.” When I confronted him he said she was crazy. Once he “had to pull CQ duty” EVERY FRIDAY NIGHT, there was no denying it. Eventually we split up, but I never caught him. When you know, you know. When you love someone, you ignore it.
Yeah, I think you just know it in your heart when something is going south.
I found her body spray in his bathroom, hidden under towels and all of her clothes in his hall closet…that was a pretty good clue. But what really cinched it for me was the baby they had together…yea, that’s kind of a deal breaker. I spent 10 years knowing I had competition and that’s what it turned into. My quest to win his love and affection for good. But she got knocked up — it was the best thing that ever happened to me. Him having a baby freed me. It was like without that BIG THING that couldn’t be hidden under towels or in the closet, I could not find the strength to end it. He wanted to keep going after the baby…he called me up until my wedding day (three years after the baby was born – wherein he also married the other woman) but I was done. I finally found my power again. And I’m so happy. SO, SO, SO happy with my husband and life now. It seems like a lifetime ago that I was so desperately stupid to do everything in my power to keep this man in my life. He was a tumor.
I am SO happy for you and your new life. SO happy. My heart was breaking reading the begining of this. It is JUST about the same thing my husband went through. Except they were married and he could not get a divorce until the baby came out and he could DNA test that it was not actually his baby.
But look at him now… he has me. And I would say I was worth the heartache and wait. I am sure you feel the same way about your husband.
I never caught him, but he started dating her almost immediately after we broke up. We had been dating long distance, so our relationship was primarily phone based. He would go hang out with this girl and every time they were at her house his phone got no signal, so he couldn’t answer. She was his best friend’s recent ex, and the best friend claimed that they were fooling around, which is why he ended it. I trusted my boyfriend. Then she started giving him gifts. Then she started calling him every half hour when he would come visit for the weekend. Eventually I called him out on it – he denied it, but broke up with me that night. Less than a month later they were living together and dating. I’m friends with him now, but he won’t tell me if anything happened.
Good for you for remaining friends! I like to beat my realtionships like a dead horse. I talk to none of my exes. There is simply nothing left to say once I get done with them.
I actually think the most telling quote of this whole article is the last, the one where the man says “No, I don’t know what signs I should be looking for.”
As a woman I’ve been told my whole adult life that I should watch for the signs and prevent my partner from cheating. Funny how men aren’t given the same lame advice! Apparently if a man cheats it’s the woman’s fault (and if a woman cheats, it’s the woman’s fault). It’s a lot of responsibility to be in charge of someone else’s penis.
I’ve never cheated, nor been cheated on. It is, however, something that I worry about often due to the media’s constant admonitions that women HEED THE SIGNS. I’m kind of done with it. 50% of the population is NOT wired to “just need some strange” and if my husband chooses to cheat it’s HIS problem, not mine for having failed to see the “signs.”
A-freaken-MEN!!!!!!
Actually, that was my husband. It was his attempt at sarcasm since he walked in on them having sex. Can you imagine? Poor guy.
I think his signs were the fact that she never answered the phone when he worked nights. He knew they existed. He just tried to make it work because they were married.
I agree though, when MEN cheat – some dumb ass guy ALWAYS says, “She didn’t put out enough.” or my favorite “She was cold and bitchy.”
But when WOMEN cheat, everyone says (and I just did it), “That poor guy.”
Freaking double edged sword.
Also, I totally AGREE that NO ONE needs “strange”. Gross. Watch a porn and move on.
The one that makes me sad is the woman saying she threw him out 4 times and then married him and that boys will be boys! No! He’s probably still cheating on her. She set herself up for hurt.
Also the one that says, “we weren’t married yet, so I don’t think that counts.” Ouch! Whatever happened to commitment.
In my eyes, no second chances. I don’t care the reason, cheat, and thats it, we’re done. I am in a long distance relationship, for 4 years now, and trust is the biggest thing that we need to get us through. If I didn’t trust that he was faithful, I’d be a wreck, calling him all the time and checking his email. But I trust him, I don’t even know his email password.
If you want to be with someone else, break up with the person you are with, or don’t get married.
I had to hold myself back from not punching the unmarried guy that didn’t think it counted. They LIVED together. I would call that serious.
Also, my husband KNOWS I will take his ass to the cleaners if he ever cheats. That’s no exageration. He will be done and regret that decision. Just divorce me. Please. Divorce me first.
I remember a few years ago, a few months after we had started dating, I was watching Family Feud with my boyfriend, and the question was “What would you do if you found out your partner cheated?” I turned to my guy, and said “Kill him!” He looked at me with wide eyes. I just smiled at him. And it was one of the answers!! We’ve been dating 4 years (long distance) now, and got engaged in March.
Congratulations! Making it very clear that you are just crazy enough to actually kill him may be the key to fidelity.
Cheating is a serious dealbreaker for me. Regardless of the length of the relationship. I give my trust freely. I don’t make people earn it. But once you break my trust, that’s it. There’s no going back for me. And a relationship cannot survive without trust.
It’s kind of interesting. Katie was super pissed off about the guy who said cheating is a biological imperative for men (which IS complete & utter bullshit), but that’s not what pissed me off. What pisses me off are all the people who said “It was over, we were just going through the motions” or some variation thereof. The whole “it was over” thing makes me so mad. If it’s over, tell your partner it’s over!!! If you’re still together by definition it is NOT over. Okay, so you don’t love her anymore. But at one point in time, you cared enough about her to make a commitment to her, so show her a little GD respect, and end the relationship before you start seeing other people! (All references to gender are intended to also refer to the opposite situation)
Sorry. It probably seems like I’m some bitter, wounded party, but I’m actually on very good terms with all my exes. I just cannot abide liars and cheaters.
I totally agree that if it’s ‘over’ – get out, THEN start screwing around with someone else! Respect for people and relationships – it shouldn’t be that hard. No excuse is a good excuse, some just piss me off more than others.
“But at one point in time, you cared enough about her to make a commitment to her, so show her a little GD respect, and end the relationship before you start seeing other people!”
Perfectly said.
I’m guessing you don’t have kids. Kids make everything complicated. Because you care about them more than anything.
My husband cheated, with my best friend. I knew they were too close emotionally, but kept surpressing those feelings. I was trying to be cool and free, I guess. We’re still together and I’m very happy, honestly! I would never have stayed if I’d have thought this would be a recurring problem. COUNSELING is the most important thing I can recommend. Also the book After the Affair by Spring. We’re 2 years post affair, with a baby and a strong marriage. I would also recommend people develop boundaries with the outside world and openness within the marriage. My husband doesn’t spend time alone with female friends and I don’t spend time alone with male friends. We’ve made a commit to avoid developing deeply emotional relationship with opposite sex friends, while these seems hard, sexist or silly to some people, it’s saved us. We have access to each others mail, email, texts, whatever so there’s no fear about hiding things.
Got to make this one anonymous because my whole darn family reads this blog!
I love it that you were able to work it out. You are very strong.
I’m 3 months after finding out that hubby had an emotional affair. We see a counselor every other week and I made him quit smoking. It was so hard bc I found out by casually looking at his phone while he was in a hospital in Peru. I found romantic emails and sexy pictures. He had just gotten altitude sickness and fallen on his face and broken his nose and 2 front teeth. We were with my entire family (mom, dad, brothers, wifes, nephews).
Being in a hospital in a foreign country took priority…but it was so hard. I couldn’t tell anyone, I didn’t want everyone to emotionally abandon him while he had an IV in his arm.
I truly believe he is sorry. I called up the girl and introduced myself and told her to forget alll about him (she was shocked, I didn’t think he would have told her).
I chose to stay because: I love him. I married him and I take the marriage seriously, even though he didn’t follow the vows, I will. It wasn’t a physical cheat, it was purely emotional attention.
Not to say I was wrong, but I understood the part about being ingnored by me and needing the praise and attention. It is hard and I was very hurt, like anonymous we have full access to eachothers “stuff.” And working with our counselor to figure out the root problems I believe is making our marriage stronger.
I guess you could say I’m the other woman. I would never want a relationship with him. It’s purely a sexual attraction between us. He tells me he cheats because it’s a high, an adrenaline rush I guess. I keep on seeing him because the sex is amazing. Do I want to take him away from his wife and kids, no. She can keep the cheater. In the meantime we just have our fun.
And do I want others to know that i’m the other woman, of course not which is why I will remain anonymous.
Your ‘fun’ is severely damaging a family. Just as I think cheaters have no excuses, I think someone who knows that the person they are with is with someone else – is part of the problem. Find a single guy to have amazing sex with – they’re out there, and you won’t screw up a wife and kids in the process. Have a heart for them because even if they don’t know – it’s not okay.
I appreciate you stopping by. Really I do. It took a lot of courage for you to put that out there. Thank you for being honest.
One more thing – if you don’t mind answering this for us –
Has he ever told you why his wife is not enough? Like does he bad mouth her?
I know why I do it and yes, I know it’s wrong. I’ll deal with my issues at some point. Curiosity has gotten the better of me and I’ve asked him several times why he cheats. He has never once bad mouthed his wife. He tells me he loves his wife. He says his cheating is not something he does because of her, its him. I think he enjoys doing something “forbidden.” I expected for the answer to be something like “she’s cold, she doesn’t like sex, she’s a bitch…blah blah blah.” But that isn’t the case. It’s not her fault.
Thanks for coming back and commenting. I know it must not be easy to put yourself out here like this.
I guess, it just makes me sad. I try my hardest to be the best wife possible and keep things spicy. I always think that the cheaters are the ones that are unhappy, but maybe not now since he still likes his wife. This makes you think!
Thank you again for commenting and then coming back to answer questions. The editors would probably love for you to submit a guest post sometime about this experience if you would be willing to. You could remain anonymous. Email me is so lifescrazyjoke@gmail.com and I can tell you the process for that if you are inetrested.
I’ll email later today. Thanks for letting me post and not being judge-y.
I’m a Maria. Totally oblivious to what was going on around me. How come? Got pregnant at 18, married 3 months later and the cheating started right away. He was a man-whore for 3 years. When I was almost 4 months pregnant with my second child, my good friend calls me in the middle of the night to tell me what has happened.
I honestly had no clue that anything had ever happened. I was young, naive, and oblivious to all the signs. I am not now, nor was I ever a jealous person by nature.
Once confronted about the cheating, he came clean on the others. Then it started to all fall in to place. We tried counseling. only to hear over and over and oh wait, over again that his cheating was my fault. Really? I didnt take his penis out of his pants and shove it in some other woman’s vagina.
Well, the hurt feelings and betrayal continued to fester. We stayed married for another 10 years, and have been divorced for 2 years now. Best. Decision. EVER.
I stayed because I felt likle I couldnt support myself and my kids. Because over the course of 14 years of marriage, I had become brainwashed to how terrible of a wife and mother I was.
Looking back, I wish I had been stronger. I am now.
I am the BEST matchmaker ever. Are you still single? You deserve a good man.
I am no longer single. Just found me a good one, seriuously the last of a dying bread. Thanks though…….
Breed, not bread. What can I say, its the end of the work day!
Shoot, I thought it was auto-correct. Good for you on finding a keeper!
i think that the phrase “a cheetahs never changer their spots” is inaccurate: people explore, learn, grow, and ultimately change.
to assume that once a person cheats they will forever be painted with the label “cheater” is akin to assuming that you had the same values, ideals, knowledge, etc. as what you had 10 years ago.
i know that i am a changed individual from the me that used to be many moons ago. pretty sure we all are.
~unless you still drink long island iced teas and get your groove on when you hear “i’m too sexy for my body” by right said fred come on the radio…~
relationships are difficult; there are SO many ways to have one fail.
being unfaithful is not a trigger that ends a relationship…it is more a symptom of a bigger problem.
Great point. People do make mistakes and change and grow. I do like the people that were able to work things out after a mistake. It says a lot about the strength of that couple.
That being said, I have exes that I am thankful I never married. I would have always had to worry about them. And that worry is just the worst feeling ever. But who knows? They have probably grown up as well.
Thank you so much for showing this side of thinking.
I LOVE THIS SITE! The readers are such smart women with such different opinions!
“being unfaithful is not a trigger that ends a relationship…it is more a symptom of a bigger problem.”
I most wholeheartedly agree. And this is why, for me and my husband, cheating would not be a “deal breaker”. Because I know if my husband ever cheated on me, it would be symptomatic of much, much larger problems going on in our marriage (including a feeling of loneliness, I assume), not just that he needed some “strange” (btw, I HATE that term! I kinda want to slap any man who uses it.)
BUT: my husband has an acquaintance (whom we don’t spend time with anymore) who is a chronic cheater. He cheated on his ex-wife for years – before they were married, before they had a baby, after they were married, after they’d had a baby, etc. He has cheated on every girlfriend I’ve known him to have. He has hit on his friends’ and acquaintances’ wives and girlfriends. And he is a total liar – he lies about everything, to everyone, all the time. (He actually lied to me about things my husband did and said, when my husband confronted him about his scummy, lying behavior – as though I would believe him over my husband!) If I were dealing with someone like that, well, there would be no point in trying to save the marriage, namely because there is no relationship to speak of. All you can do is cut your losses and move on. Although in this case, it would be still be a symptom of a bigger problem, but the problem would be that your partner/spouse was a lying sociopath.
Yeah, maybe that’s what it is. The sneaking around and being lied to. Lying is the part that hurts. It’s the lack of honesty. Maybe that’s why some people are able to work it out and others are not.
Great point! And thank you for weighing in!
And “strange” is disgusting. It makes me feel like taking a shower.
apparently i was drunk while typing the first line of my previous response.
please disregard the idiotic errors.
Hahaha! I didn’t even notice. What’s that tell you about me?
Have an ex from 10-ish years ago who started cheating about a year into our two-year relationship. He was renting an apartment with two guy friends and she would come over and hang out and those roommates knew all about it. When the lease was up, my ex, one of the guys from his apartment, and this woman all moved in to a house together. I sometimes wonder if him asking me if I was okay with her living there should have been a clue. Of course, I thought they were just friends, so I was fine with it.
How did I find out? HER best friend told me, “I know you and I don’t get along at all, but I thought you might want to know that he is cheating on you and I don’t think it’s right.” She just happened to leave out the fact that it was her best friend who was the other woman. I didn’t believe her because we didn’t get along and he denied that anything she said was true.
A week later, he said we needed some time apart to think. I gave him two weeks to make a decision of some sort and told him to meet me at a specific time and place.
I ran into them at a party another week or so later and their other roommate, who had been out of town when most of this happened, pulled me aside and told me that he’d been pretty disgusted with what had been going on. He told my ex to pick a woman or the roommate was going to move back home with his parents whom he loathed and leave the other two high and dry on all the bills. I turn around from this conversation and there was my ex making out with her.
When we sat down to discuss our “relationship status,” he told me that he wasn’t mature enough to handle our relationship. The only thing I said to him was, “I agree.”
When I started telling mutual friends what had happened, most of them were surprised. Despite having a new girlfriend within days of our breakup, he denied cheating on me to everyone. He even had the audacity to send me an email asking me why I was spreading lies about him.
He sent me a message on Facebook a couple of years ago, apologizing for treating me like crap, but never actually admitting to anything specific. From what I can tell from mutual friends, he has yet to have a relationship last for more than a couple of years. The tiny evil part of my heart feels glad about that.
That sounds terrible. I am sorry that you had to go through all of that! What a snake!
I was a Maria….not for long though…my first husband and I dated for a few years before we married and three months later I had a bad feeling. I did some sneaky text/email checking and what do you know he had started talking to/dating/screwing girls immediately after our honeymoon. It was crazy because for the years we lived together before marriage, we shared phones, had each others passwords to everything and went everywhere together, why did he wait until we were married?! Needless to say I kicked his a$$ out! Crazy ‘Waiting to Exhale’ style….everything on the front lawn in piles minus the car fire.
Now I’m getting married to an amazing man who I will never have to worry about that with. He and I have the ‘Flower Garden Pact’. Whoever first messes up ends up buried in the flower garden!
I, too, have thrown things in a yard in garbage bags. When he came back and asked why his crap was in garbage bags, I told him it was because that was all the better of luggage he deserved. He also was cheating. With a waitress. Named Molly.
I am currently the ‘other woman’ in an emotional affair. We have never kissed/cuddled/had sex etc. but in my mind that doesn’t make it any better. His wife has known about me for almost a year now, and she and I have even had a couple conversations about the situation. The whole thing is rough, on all of us, just trying to figure out what to do.
The big question for all three of us, is: can their marriage survive with me still in his life? This is the goal that everyone is working towards – and I am perpetually amazed with his wife, at how open and patient and forgiving she is in this situation that must be about the hardest thing she’s ever had to deal with. She is, in so many respects, a better woman than I can ever hope to be. They both believe that with enough work on their parts, their marriage will make it through this time and ultimately grow stronger, even with me still in the picture as this guy’s friend.
As for me… well, I’m not so optimistic. And given that I think that, clearly the ‘right’ thing to do is to pull away, effectively to break up with the guy, giving the two of them the space to focus on each other without having the issue of me as a distraction. But even though he’s married, and even without having a physical affair, I find my relationship with this guy simply intoxicating. It turns out it’s much easier to know the ‘right’ thing to do, than to actually do that thing.
Please don’t take this as an attack, because it sincerely is not. But I have been in the position of this man’s wife, where there was an emotional affair going on, and both myself and the ‘other woman’ knew about one another. The thing I wish someone had told that other woman is to just bow out graciously. In my case, I knew how much he cared about the other woman, and it felt cruel to demand he stop talking to her, because it fell into that grey area of ‘not physically cheating’. But knowing she was still lurking in the background, almost waiting for things to crumble was overwhelming. Eventually we separated for 6 months because of it, during which time he realized an electronic relationship couldn’t compare to reality, broke things off with her, and began working on reconciling with me. We’re now back together, but the point is that had the other woman simply backed out, and allowed us to work on things without her, there would have been far less hurt and other repercussions.
Anyways, the point of that ramble was to say that, as someone who has been there, it is very likely things will not work out well, so long as you are still in the picture. Please, if you love this man like you say you do, be strong enough to let him go so he can attempt to repair his relationship with his wife. It will hurt in the short term, and it will be difficult, but they will both look back on you with appreciation in the end if things work out between them, rather than with anger if it ends up that he has to tell you he wants to end things. If you were in his wife’s shoes, wouldn’t you want the same? I’m sure there is a fantastic man out there for you, who you are much more likely to find once you are emotionally independent, rather than pining after a man who is already taken.
As far as emotional affairs go, I’ve been the other woman in one. I didn’t realize at the time that it was even possible to have a non-physical affair, but now I know how damaging they can be. Mine was with a co-worker, and it ended before his girlfriend found out.
My current boyfriend has a close female friend at work, and she called him crying one night to ask him his advice about something. I LOST IT. It took days of fighting for me to 1. get my point calmly and rationally across as to why I felt that wasn’t OK and 2. for my boyfriend to understand why their friendship is a potentially very messy situation. I had to admit my own past misdeeds to explain it all, but we’re at least on the same page now. It terrifies me for marriage though. There is ALWAYS going to be a fun, attractive co-worker that turns your partner’s (male or female) head.
My fiance’s ex-wife (after 5 years of being divorced and she is remarried) STILL calls him and emails him for advice about random things. I get so pissed about this because he is not “her person” anymore for that stuff. She has her own husband to turn to. It makes me all crazy like I need to go pee on his leg because HE IS MY PERSON NOW! Recently she texted him 25 times in a 5 min period because of a possible tornado watch. Are you kidding me? Why isn’t she calling her husband? What did she expect him to do about a freaking tornado? He understands why it drives me crazy but he doesn’t really do anything about it to make her stop completely.
I’ve worn both shoes.
First of all my husband cheated on me 14 times in 14 years. I stayed – I’m stupid, I KNOW now LOL
I knew every time a new affair began. I could tell by how he acted, his appearance, and his work schedule. … he would suddenly be “not lazy” and he showered more, he manscaped, and he worked OT whenever they needed anyone, for any shift.
After a couple of times, I caught on and I knew what was going on. Sometimes I would sneak around and catch him with the women. Sometimes I’d find an email, sometimes he would lie about something and I’d just know. About once a year I’d go see my ‘girl dr’ so I could make sure he didnt bring home something… how humiliating!!!
So, on the 13th girl – I decided enough was enough – I would also play the game – so I did… and it was awesome!!! Not only was the sex great, but the attention was even better. This guy was amazing. We had so much fun. We worked together so our schedule was the same – we went to sporting events, we went to bars, we went to movies – ahhh, the afternoon sex… anyway – the fun wore off and I decided that was it…. We, my husband and I were going to settle down, have a baby – I’m not getting any younger… but by that time – he had g/f #14 – and I was DONE. I saw the other side when I had my fling and realized I didnt have to stay in a terrible marriage for the rest of my life. The 14 affairs were not the only problems, but I didnt see that at the time.
SO…… divorce came… it was easy – I said “Im done, sign these” and he did. I moved on.. Met someone else, who strangely had been in almost the same situation for the same amount of time. And we moved in together, had a baby and got married. I didn’t know a marriage/life could be this great. We both know what went wrong in our previous lives and we know how to prevent it. We also trust each other 110% so neither of us will cheat. … and they lived happily ever after LOL
I’m so happy for you and for your happily ever after.
I am the “other woman” of 7 years. He was friends with my ex-husband, I was friends with his wife. His wife and I were pregnant together and our oldest children were born within weeks of each other. It started out as “fun” when our year old marriages were not going well then turned serious a few years ago. We believe my youngest is his because the dates with my ex-husband don’t match up and our youngest two could practically be twins.
Yes, I know it’s wrong. Yes, his wife has an idea about me and has for years but has never been able to prove it. Do I feel guilty….I used to, but love has taken over. If she were a perfect loving wife that tried to fix the areas that needed fixing then I’d feel worse. I do feel empathy for her though. I’ve been in her shoes trying to hold together a marriage that is doomed while keeping a happy face so no one notices.
He’s in the process of leaving her. We know it’s going to be extremely rough starting out and are going to lose a lot of mutual friends, but it’s worth it. After 7 years we know we have what it takes. We have complete trust in each other that we will not cheat on each other. I’ve come to the conclusion you can’t help who you love, believe me, we’ve tried.
This might be a little off-topic, but it’s still related (I think?) . . .
Let me start by saying that I’m a widow. My husband and I had a great relationship – neither of us cheated and he didn’t leave me for another woman.
That said, I have been approaced by men who want to cheat. They’re not happy in their marriages/their wives aren’t having sex with them/they’ve been attracted to me since we met/there’s something about me that draws them in – these are all reasons that I have heard as these men tried to convince me to begin an affair with them. I turned them all down, most of them more than once. The challenge was doing it tactfully since I was living in a very small town and saw most of them at least once a week. (I have since moved away.)
What I haven’t been able to figure out is why they approached me. The rumor mill in this town is very active and usually pretty accurate, so these men would have to be very selective about who they propositioned. So what made me a suitable target? Were they hoping to take advantage of my loneliness? Or did they think I would remain silent because of my friendships with their wives? The first time it happened I kind of laughed it off as a joke, but I began to really wonder after the second, third, and fourth times I was approached.
17 years ago I fell head over heels in love, ended up moving overseas for work after dating for 2 years and parted ways. The same weekend we parted he went on a bender with his friends & ended up getting this one-weekender girl pregnant.
We kept in touch and reunited after 3 years, when it was too painful for us and we both didn’t want an ‘affair’ I left again and went overseas. Got married on the rebound and had 1 child. He’s stayed with her for 15 years so far, (2 kids – she already had 1 to a one-nighter).
I’m unhappily married and he’s still with this person he has never had feelings of love for. 1 child has a mild learning disability so he’s committed to seeing him through high school.
We re-united again this year after 12 years. I’ve never stopped thinking about him and he’s never stopped thinking about me….
So although I know this is ‘wrong’ I just can’t bear to be completely apart from him again. Luckily we don’t live close so we don’t see each other much but we are constantly talking.
I’d really love some feedback.
Oh dear, I’d never wish to be in your shoes. I’ve kind of tried what it feels to love someone madly who love you back as much and could not be together giving the circumstances, but when I finished reading your life/love story I couldn’t think about my little story as nothing but mediocre. I mean, what has happened and is happening to you is – by my point of view- the worst thing ever and I’m impressed by how a strong human you are. I don’t judge your unfaithfulness to your apparently not able to make you happy husband. I don’t judge you at all, I personally don’t think it’s is wrong, I just can’t help but feeling terribly sad and sorry about your situation.
But, giving the messed up way things are, I can’t really give you a good advice, which would make you guys happy ever after and in the meantime not hurt anyone…
Uh, this is hard.
Okay, first of all I get VERY irritated from comments like “Boys will be boys”. It’s like justifying them; in other words saying “Oh ok, guys are allowed to cheat, women aren’t, their place is in the kitchen or raising the kids”. Fellow females, you really must stop this attitude- otherwise do not play the victim and whining about “the masculine society” this is. It’s YOU in the first place who make it masculine.
Second of all, not all those who cheat are jerks or bitches or whatever.
I’m 19, I have a great boyfriend who loves me, treats me like a princess, we get on very well and I’m really fond of him (I don’t love him though, never managed to) We have been for 7 months now together and guess what? We’ve had sex 10-13 times. Yes, you may say it loud; WE HAVE HUGE SEX PROBLEMS. And as for the record, I’m considered pretty attractive and I am very opened sexually. We rarely have sex (app once or twice a month) and when we do is usually planned, because I beg him to. And it’s average sex, not to say a low-quality one. We have talked it through a lot of times. He doesn’t have any physical problems, he is sexually attracted to me; he is just stressed or tired ALL THE TIME. But in the end, I know the reason: He doesn’t like sex much. He wasn’t eager to have sex when we started to dated, he barely never expresses the desire to have, we doesn’t make me feel wanted. He tries to please me but he fails miserably, because he’s unnatural. Now, I love sex. And I need to have regular sex and this is killing me. He’s 26 and I’m 19 and we’re like a married couple with 2 kids who never have sex. I don’t want to be like that. But I will, I have no other choice.
Of course, except cheating. I have never done it. I think it’s not decent and wrong, but I won’t lie and say I haven’t thought about it. I have. I have had sexual fantasies with almost every hot guy who shows a little of interest on me. I sometimes want to do it so bad, because I want to feel young and happy and alive and sexually content like I ought to be. But I can’t do it. Not to him, not to anyone, especially not to him. He is great in every way except sex. And I don’t want to break up. But I want to have sex. But the spark is gone, there’s no passion. And he says things will get better but I know they won’t. It’s been 7 months now, nothing has changed.
So tell me, dear girls, what would you do? I’m stuck in a labyrinth and I have absolutely no morally right way to get out of it. And I feel dead inside.
My ex is the same way. If he’s not interested in sex, he isn’t going to be. You’re going to have to do one of four things: 1. Break up with him, 2. Settle for less sex, 3. Cheat, 4. Buy some fun vibrators. I tried 2 & 4, but after 2 years of sex once a month I broke it off. I wish I had done it sooner, because I had less invested in the relationship then. So I recommend breaking it off. If you need more sex to be happy and he can’t give it to you, there are other great guys who will treat you well and grow to love you who will love that you want to have sex often.
Well, I can answer all 3 questions:
Why did I cheat? Two different reasons two different times.
1. Because I loved him. I had tried to make a relationship with “rebound man” after we broke up. He came over so we could end things once & for all…it was good-bye sex. 9 months later came my daughter. She’s 14 and I don’t know for sure which one is her bio dad. It stopped until my daughter was about a year old…then “rebound man” would watch her while I went out with my ex.
2. Because he’s an addict and an alcoholic and a cheater. I felt like I was never good enough, and my curvy self had never gotten much male attention. So I did it to make myself feel better. Didn’t solve anything,
I was cheated on. Yes it sucked. Did I salvage the relationship?
Which time??? Both examples above have to do with the same guy. Before I cheated on “rebound man” with him, he’d cheated on me with a woman from the bar. He said it was because “she had nice legs”. Talk about devastating for an overwight woman in her early 20′s with no self esteem. We broke up, got back together, broke up…you get the idea. I always though I could be enough. I would do anything for him, turned a blind eye, made excuses. In reality his true mistress was the drugs and the drinking, and the other women let him do all that and more. I wouldn’t let him use around me, and didn’t do it myself. That’s been the common thread for all the other women.
What were the signs?
Way too many to list. Everything from no signs, to signs I ignored, to blaming myself instead. I guess for me it was the broken promises, being blow off without explaination, the secrets, the lies he’d turn around onto me.
After not seeing or talking to him I found him and we started talking. Things picked up where they left off. In more ways than one. He had me and on the side he was still involved with the w3oman who’d been our undoing years before. He was lying to both of us. Even a few months ago he said he was just living there, there was no relationship between them, and he wanted me to have his baby. I’d justified sleeping with him again by saying she’s the one keeping him around, she knows what’s going on (she’d called me more than once), she’s the stupid one. But I realized I was being stupid too, and I told him that it didn’t matter what was going on between them. I wasn’t going to be the other woman.
Sorry…woman is not spelled w3oman. Although there were 3 of us in the relationship.
We both cheated. Both when the relationship was at a rocky point but, nonetheless, it still happened. He cheated with one of my good friends. I cheated with my ex (his ex best friend). Did I learn? Yes, I never cheated again…. although he claims that I cheated on him by talking to other guys when we broke up for about 2 months (he’s a bit of a control freak and I thought we were done for good). Did he learn? Yes. We still hold it over each other’s heads sometimes but we are trying so damn hard to make it work. We love each other beyond the moon and back but feelings have been hurt and trust has been lost. It’s so hard to get that stuff back when it’s gone. Will we make it? I really think so. A little love can go a long way. But one thing I have learned is that lying doesn’t work. Just be honest and don’t hide things. People will always find them out.
I can’t thank this spell caster on vudoospell@gmail.com enough for all that he have done for me. About a year ago. me and my partner split up, we had both made BIG mistakes in our relationship. He ended up moving away from me to pursue a new life. I knew in my heart that he would be the only one to make me happy. I was relieved when I found his email a web site. I requested for 3 days of casting of the spell and reunite me and my ex love the spell worked within four days and my ex love was begging me to forgive him which l did. we are now happily married. and l want to use this minute to thank the vudoo master for his spell that brought me and my lover one now. thanks ones again for your help. and i will be forever be greatfull
I was the “other” woman. I was married, so was he. We both were in unhealthy marriages. We thought we would “stay” and just be “friends with benefits”, but with time, we fell in love. We both wanted out and started to move in that direction. Our spouses found out, they tried for the better part of a year to “fix” the problems. I hate to say it, but it was too late. We are now married and going on 6 years together and are happy in ways we never were with our ex’s. I don’t mean to sound harsh, but if your spouse is cheating on you, it is NOT ALWAYS 100% their fault. Cheating usually is the result of neglect somewhere in the marriage. If you REALLY want to change things…fix them when the warning signs of unhappiness start popping up, not the warning signs of an affair. When the person say “I’m not happy” don’t think that just because you have a marriage of 20 year and kids together that it can’t end. It can. And for those that say “If you had just bowed out, we could have fixed it” B.S. If you had taken the time to appreciate what you had, when you had it….I would have never been in the picture in the first place.
And on the flip side? I have been the one cheated on too. Once I found out, I left. I am worth more than that and yes…I have children too.
having my lover back was the greatest thing that has ever happened to me. I have been dating my lover for 3yrs now, we have never had a misunderstanding that would lead to us leaving each other till last month when my lover accused me of cheating when am not, his jealousy turned us apart. Everytime i message him or call him he tells me to go and meet my new boyfriend that he has found himself a girlfriend too, I was so depressed that i could not take it any more then i told a friend what i was going through. That was how i was introduced to a lady called priestess Ifaa online who they say it does spells. I told her all that happened and. The spell lady said that i shouldn’t worry that she’s going to restore my happiness At first I didn’t want to believe her when she said my lover is now dating someone else that’s why he is looking for an excuse to leave. She was right on because after she has done the spell to return my lover to me the other girl was trying to intrude into our relationship again that was when my lover beats her up and warned her never to come closer ever again. The lady spells worked to the fullness, you can contact her on this email priestessifaa@yahoo.com You will not be disappointed in ordering a spell from her.
i just want to share my experience and testimony here.. i was married for 6 years to my husband and all of a sudden, another woman came into the picture.. he started hailing me and he was abusive..but i still loved him with all my heart and wanted him at all cost…then he filed for divorce..my whole life was turning apart and i didn’t know what to do..he moved out of the house and abandoned the kids.. so someone told me about trying spiritual means to get my husband back and introduced me to a spell caster…so i decided to try it reluctantly..although i didn’t believe in all those things… then when he did the special prayers and spell, after 2days, my husband came back and was pleading..he had realized his mistakes..i just couldn’t believe it.. anyways we are back together now and we are happy.
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