CAKE VS. PIE
Over at Jezebel, they’ve set up a very scientific system for determining the all-out winner of the age-old battle between confections. (I know that the uber HIGHlarious Hyperbole and a Half did her own cartoony Battle of the Noms. She is Awesome. I bow to her Awesomeness.)
Personally, if it were a “baked goods” battle, the brownie would have won out. But since this is Cake v. Pie, I had some more thinking and painful decisions to make.
There’s not an all-out winner. I can’t make my final decision.
Here are my thoughts on Round 1:
Clearly, someone lost their brains when they included Funfetti on the list. They already had Birthday Cake. How is Funfetti NOT Birthday Cake. stupid.
And Fruitcake? I guess they figure my grandmother may do a bracket.
So far, easy choices.
On to Round 2:
Come on. Wedding Cake? Sure, Wedding Cake is technically “cake,” but you can’t go to the store and BUY Wedding Cake. It snot It’s not available on any given late-night run to the bakery. That alone should kick it out of the running.
And Rhubarb? Without strawberries, there would be no Rhubarb Pie. They didn’t even list “strawberries” as part of the ingredients. Am I to assume make an “ass” out of “u” and “me” and pick Rhubarb because I think there MIGHT be strawberries? I SAY NAY.
Note regarding Pecan Pie: My mother makes the best Pecan Pie in the world. No competition. None. I don’t care what you say about your own Mama’s Pecan Pie, my Mama’s Pecan Pie is better. I’m going to go ahead and imagine the Pecan Pie to which they are referring is my own Mama’s. That will make a big difference in later rounds.
My belleh is growing into Round Three:
The choices are more daunting than expected. I’m a girl who needs details. SPECIFICS. What FLAVOR Bundt Cake? What FLAVOR Cheesecake? This makes a huge difference. You can’t put up a chocolate Bundt Cake up against a German Chocolate Cake. The clear winner is chocolate Bundt Cake. But if it’s vanilla Bundt Cake? The clear winner is German Chocolate Cake. Just for the lack of specifics, I had to choose German Chocolate.
I can’t willy-nilly pick a Cheesecake over Cherry Pie. There’s only one “flavor” of Cherry – DONE. There are kajillions of Cheesecakes. Just look at any Cheesecake Factory Cheesecake menu. It’s a Book of Nom. Again, just for the lack of specifics, I had to choose Cherry Pie.
The Pumpkin Pie v. Pecan Pie battle came down to one factor: my internal excitement for said pie. I love them both. Both are made from scratch by my Mama. But if a gun was to my head, and that’s what it took, I’d pick Pecan Pie.
Fatty McEatsalot Round Four:
It comes down to
In the Cake arena: GERMAN CHOCOLATE v RED VELVET
As I age into a mature woman of 33, I’ve come to appreciate German Chocolate as a moist chocolate cake topped with gooey coconutty goodness. When done right, the German Chocolate cake can be an all-out winner. HOWEVER, if the cake is dry, it’s a complete fail.
90% of all Red Velvet cakes and cupcakes I’ve ever eaten have been yumyumyumyumyum delicioso.
In the Pie corner: PECAN v CHERRY
This is definitely a difficult decision. I get to have my Mama’s Pecan Pie twice a year, but when I do have it, it’s beyond.
Cherry Pie is for sure a good-to-eat dessert year-round, and with the right flaky crust, heavenly.
Finally, Round Five:
WHAT GOES IN MAH BELLEH???
I CAN’T DECIDE!!!11!!ONE!!!
RED VELVET? OR PECAN PIE?
Friends, I need your help.
WHICH ONE DO I CHOOSE?
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Angie Lynch is the founder and managing editor of the powerhouse women’s literary community, Smut Book Club. She is a Native Floridian without a tan, probably because she spends her days hard at work on the magical internet. For the past several years, Angie has worked way too hard at building clout as an influencer in food and margaritas as well as being a source for laughable pop culture commentary. You can read more from Angie on her blog, A Whole Lot of Nothing.