I’ve admitted before, I have lovely lady lumps and I don’t mean my boobies. I mean the cheesy lumps on my arse and my thighs. Being that I am a plumpalicious girl, I am standing up and protecting my fellow larger ladies and the rest of the world.
How? By calling a moratorium on shorts that are wider than they are long.
Unless you are in the top .01% of the ladies in the U.S. and Canada, YOUR SHORTS SHOULD BE LONGER THAN THEY ARE WIDE. If this ratio is on the negative side, DON’T SQUEEZE YOUR FAT BUTT INTO THE SHORTS.
Just because some clothing store makes the clothes and you can pull up the screaming zipper, DO NOT buy the shorts.
Oh, sweet sweet Baby Jeebus and Oprah. Here is my evidence from Old Navy:
Allowing Old Navy (and others) to sell shorts at a 4 1/2″ inseam in a size 6 or up should be criminal. Allowing us larger ladies think it is OK to leave the house, much less purchase, any shorts less than a 5″ inseam (and still you gotsta have some NICE legs to pull those off) is a travesty.
And who are they joking with this picture of the shorts with a space between the legs? No woman who is a size 14 or up has any space between her thighs. You nasty nasty marketing picture-taking people at Old Navy are trying to make us think that those shorts (with pleats btw) will allow our crotches to breathe.
Sorry, ladies, but wearing these shorts will only allow your ass to have a snack on some denim.
So, please, for the love of sweet Baby Jeebus and Oprah: stand UP and show your lovely legs! Just wear your shorts a little longer.
Angie Lynch is the founder and managing editor of the powerhouse women’s literary community, Smut Book Club. She is a Native Floridian without a tan, probably because she spends her days hard at work on the magical internet. For the past several years, Angie has worked way too hard at building clout as an influencer in food and margaritas as well as being a source for laughable pop culture commentary. You can read more from Angie on her blog, A Whole Lot of Nothing.