Be Heard By Your Own Heart

by Be Heard on January 25, 2013

in Sex & Relationships

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Recently I broke up with my girlfriend of 7 months. Some say it was bound to happen, it was long distance, as in 9000-miles-away-long-distance. She is from New Zealand and I am from New York. Pretty expensive relationship. We had met while studying abroad in Italy, where we had sworn our love for each other and decided we would get married. Guess I was really keen on studying a-broad… see what I did there?

I’m not the first one to experience heartbreak after a first love and certainly not the last.

So now I find myself once again on the dating scene. But this time rather than searching for a man, I am looking for a woman.

Women coupleMeeting her was a fluke really, I was in Italy searching for a perfect Italian husband, and instead came home with a girl from New Zealand. Until Luana I didn’t even realize that I wanted a girlfriend (or at least denied it enough).

Back in New York, attending my final year of college, I’m on the hunt once again for a companion. The thing is though; I am not really sure what I’m doing.

Honestly I make a really awkward lesbian, I have terrible gay-dar, and frankly I’m still kind of lost when it comes to the sex thing. You would think I would know what I’m doing, on account of I have my own vagina, but honestly we aren’t that well acquainted.

Where does one go to meet other lesbians? Am I restricted to spend the rest of my dating-life in gay bars?

Recently a friend of mine gave me the number of her lesbian roommate. I was confused on how to start it all. What do I say, “hey I like girls and you like girls so that automatically means we should date?”

Instead, I first ended up meeting her on a way to a friend’s house, dressed in my very best: what I refer to as my homeless sweatpants, and a baggy sweatshirt.

We exchanged pleasantries. And then, noticing she was a little out of breath I said, “Oh so you just came up those stairs huh? They’re uh a real killer.”


Fortunately my weird blunders didn’t put her off and we ended up going out to a concert later that week.

Things were pretty good, I had my hook up buddy to help me rebound from my girlfriend and she didn’t mind that I was an awkward sexter.

“I want to pleasure you until you feel pleasured.”

Uhm what? Fine, I admit it I don’t know how to sext, and I really end up just strewing random fragments together.

But alas, my weird awkward drunk side had to kick in the other night.

She invited me to see her perform in our school’s cabaret night.

Yea sure I’ll go watch you, it’s free, and hopefully I’ll get something out of it, if you know what I mean.

Except then I end up talking to her parents before the show and sitting with them.

But I’m still getting something out of it, right? Nope.

It’s a Saturday night so obviously I go and drink for no good reason except I don’t have class in the morning.

Uh oh. Clingy me started to show her face.

“where r u?”
“don’t you wanna hang out with me?”
“Okay I’ll come to you”
“So what are you doing?”

Five weird texts later I decide to call her obsessively 5 times in a row, because obviously.

This is why friends hold each other’s phone.

Feeling devalued I go to the bar deciding the best option is to whore myself out.

To my friend, ”Wait why doesn’t that kid like me? I’m so pretty, okay hug me and make him jealous.”

“Ugh he still doesn’t want to hook up with me, will you hook up with me?”

“No sorry, I have a girlfriend.”

Finally I found a depraved soul who was into taking me to bed.

He is on the soccer team and had a new recruit that he had to watch for he night.
We made him stay in the bathroom while we did the dirty.

That is until I noticed him taking a video with his iPhone. Eventually we forced him to wait outside, but what I think what I’ve learned from this weekend is I’m lonely and confused. Or I drink too much. Either one really.

image credit fluffbreat

Amanda January 26, 2013 at 6:43 pm

Hang in there! Dating in your early 20s is AWFUL! I was very lonely and did some very stupid things to ease the loneliness, and it all just sucked. You’ll get the hang of it. (Oh, and I didn’t really become friends with my vagina until I was about 27. So hang in there on that, too.)

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Stephanie March 18, 2013 at 11:55 am

Oh sweetie…it gets better! Not all at once, and you might still be awkward sometimes, but I promise that it will get better. Give yourself the freedom to be confused and change your mind a thousand times until you figure it all out. Who said you have to have all the answers today anyway? Just keep seeking your truth and the rest will fall in to place!

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