Is Michigan’s new state motto, “Michigan: Bring your jacket, but leave your she-pee at home!”?
Last Thursday, in a bold regulatory move, Michigan lawmakers banned Senator Lisa Brown-D from speaking on any debate taking place on Friday. Their reasoning? She had said the word “vagina” in a debate about women’s healthcare. Can you imagine the balls on that woman (HA!)??
The exact quote was as follows: ”I’m flattered that you’re all so interested in my vagina, but no means no.”
The (male) lawmakers justified the ban by saying that it wasn’t within the regulations of decorum to go hurling around offensive terminology like “vagina” in mixed company. You know, because usually we only talk about vaginas in the company of other women.
(That’s exactly how babies are made: A group of women get together, probably knit and bake something, definitely remaining barefoot, and then the Head Woman clangs a bell and whispers “vagina” and all the wombs get filled with babies. That’s definitely what I was taught in my abstinence sex education, at least.)
Lest we start saying that there is an unfair stigma attached to female anatomy in the “Mitten State,” we should also keep in mind that Rep Barb Byrnum-D was also banned for mentioning vasectomies as an alternate means of controlling and legislating birth. Vasectomies are definitely “offensive” to male lawmakers, because they involve scalpels AND their own personal man parts (or “penis,” if you want to get really raunchy, which I do not).
In protest, Rep. Brown and several of her female coworkers performed The Vagina Monologues on the steps of the state Capitol. The Vagina Monologues, a play by Eve Ensler, uses the offensive term over 100 times. (The offended male lawmakers will likely react to this by (and this is just speculation) building a bunker and huddling within its walls like startled sheep.)
I think I can solve the problems that the state of Michigan faces by introducing a new, legally and morally acceptable term for all references to baby-making organs/procedures/etc.:
Debates would be so much clearer and less likely to offend the sensibilities of the conservative men in the room if they went something like this:
Rep 1: I would like to introduce this bill to ban…um…girls from letting things happen to their swimsuit vicinities when they have babies in their bellies.
Rep 2: What about if someone forcibly did something to their swimsuit vicinities? Or if it were a family member? Or if the baby is making the mom very, very sick?
Rep 1: Still no.
Rep 2: You make a compelling argument. I withdraw my comment and will go sit in the womens’ dressing room until spoken to.
Until they’ve reached some sort of compromise on the issue, I’m keeping my vagina far, far away from some of those Michigan lawmakers. And if I’m forced to go there for some reason, I’ll put a fake mustache and dark glasses on my vagina and give it a code name like “Operation Sailor Moon” or “Hillary.”
photo courtesy of Rep. Lisa Brown