There is something that I need to confess that has been on my chest for well over two years. Something that I am embarrassed to admit, but I will just come out and say it because it will make me feel better. Ready? In the last three years I have signed up for three half-marathons. In the last three years I have run zero – ZERO – half marathons. To put it into numbers a bit easier to understand, that’s like $350 in entry fees for something that I have never done.
It feels good to get this out, and really, the reasons for lack of follow through are simple: Work takes over. I can’t take the days off to travel. Life happens and the next thing you know I’m unable to getaway. I reluctantly cancel flights and hotel rooms and hope for another time. There is always another time.
Then there’s the longer answer: Despite months of training I don’t feel prepared. I worry that I’ll be in last place. Then when work rears it’s ugly little head, I have my excuse. I don’t have to follow through and it is valid in the eyes of friends and family, and I can at least say that I tried.
Let’s face it, deep down inside I know that I haven’t tried. What is that Yoda said? “Do or do not. There is no try.”
I excel at doing not under the guise of trying.
People see me running and getting thinner and fretting about how painful it is to run while equipped with incredibly flat feet. It seems that I am a wealth of excuses all of which center around the big ‘F’ – FEAR. I am terrified that despite months of work and hearing the stories of others who have done an entire 13.1 miles without dying, I still wonder what exactly would happen if I died around mile 11. Though morbid, trust me you’d think the same thing.
My last long run in preparation for a half-marathon to be run at the end of February was 11 miles though Albany, New York. It was January. I don’t know if you’ve ever been to Upstate New York in January, or anytime between October and April, but imagine feeling like even stepping outside will cause your face to fall off thanks to the cold, the wind and the ice. But I ran all 11 miles over the river and through the woods. Putting my arms out, parallel to the ground in hopes of stopping myself from busting my ass over sidewalks covered in ice. I ran until I got all sweaty and my nose started to run and then the snot from my nose froze to my face.
Ok, that last part didn’t happen but the rest of it? So true.
I was able to do that last run and then weeks later one thing led to another, and the next thing you know, it was goodbye Disney World, hello four to six months in Washington, DC. Now, you’d think that after all of this procrastinating and how good I am with coming up with excuses that I’d be loathe to try again. That I’d never want to step foot in sneakers again, and perhaps I’d just stick to the elliptical. But you would be wrong. Though I am the worst at follow throug,h the “Runner’s high” is no myth. There is something beyond satisfaction with oneself. It’s a deeper feeling of knowing that with each step I can and I will and that by the grace of God, I will most likely not die.
So I’ve started over again after a very long hiatus. I’m headed back to basics. Way back. I’ve spent the last five weeks doing the Couch to 5K program, which will lead into Bridge to 10K, which will lead into a half-marathon this spring because I deserve to do this thing for myself, no matter what. I may not be the fastest runner and I might have some extra pounds ’round my waist, but there’s something about that run, no matter how much I dread taking those first steps, in the end I smile.
I’m gross and stinky but I’m smiling.
And I owe it to myself to have that adrenaline rush and smile like that more often.
Heather Barmore writes about the hodgepodge of her life at No Pasa Nada and about politics at Poliogue: The Art of Political Dialogue. She started her personal blog as an early twenty-something with no idea of what she wanted to do in life. She is now a late twenty-something with the same problem! (Who knew?!) She started Poliogue because she loves politics more than anyone you’ve ever met and wanted to share that love (or obsession) with anyone and everyone. She now lives in her hometown of Albany, NY where she works in politics while writing (or as she says, ‘creatively whining’) on the side. You can read more from Heather on her blog, No Pasa Nada.
I am a SLOW runner and every single race I sign up for I get so scared that 90 year olds will pass me and laugh and that I’ll be the last one to finish.
I have run 2 half marathons, a few 5K’s a 7K and an 8K. So a little bit of everything. I was 3rd to last to finish in my last half marathon and while it blew to be so far back b/c I am so slow at least I got my ass out there and did it! You can do it too. Hell, even if you are last you beat everyone still in bed or sitting their ass on the couch!
I read your ‘Part I’ the other week because I just started couch to 5K, and I kept looking for ‘Part II’! I totally understand your fear. I feel it weekly in a much much more unwarranted way, haha (while you are worrying about 13.1 miles, I am worrying about OMG I HAVE TO RUN 20 MINUTES THIS WEEK?!). I keep pushing through only because every week I feel this same fear, yet when I actually DO the run, I survive and even do okay. This time I am sure you’ll do it!
This really resonated with me, although you’re actually determined to see yourself through! I’ve started 3 Team in Training marathons but haven’t been able to finish or raise the funds for the trip itself. All of it falls under fear. Go, you! You’re already doing fantastic just realizing what has held you back, so now you’re unstoppable.
I know you can do it — no doubt in my mind. And here’s the way I look at it. By showing up at the starting line, you’re already a million miles ahead of the majority of people you know, right? By having trained and actually taking part in the race, you’re basically a rock star. And let me tell you, unless you’re talking to people you’ve trained with, people don’t generally ask about your finishing time. Most people are just thrilled for you that you participated, and crossing the finish line, whenever you do it, is just icing on the cake.
Can’t wait to see the pictures of do transitioning to done.
I’m not a runner. I’ve tried, but I tore my IT band many years ago, and no matter how well I stretch, the stress of running is just too much for it. So I turned to spinning. Getting certified to teach spinning is my half marathon. I think about it. My friends tell me to do it. But there’s always some reason I can’t. Mostly, I tell myself (and everyone else) I’ll do it when I’m in better shape. It’s really scary being up there in front of everyone! I’m afraid they’ll be thinking, WTH is she doing teaching us! She can barely breathe!
But you know what? Last week, the regular instructor was stuck in traffic, so they asked me to teach her class. And I did. It was scary. And I was out of breath, but it was also so much fun. And no one walked out of my class! And the next time I went in, the manager told me everyone really enjoyed my class!
P.S. WTH were you thinking running 11 miles in Albany in the WINTER!!
My very first half was in 2006 (I think) and I was the one that the cops were following so they could pick up the cones and close the course. I wasn’t technically “last” because people who walk from the beginning aren’t “included” because they can’t keep roads closed forever for them. But I was the slowest “runner”. And you know what? It didn’t matter once I got the medal. I’m still a little embarrassed sometimes, but I’m more proud that I did it.
Just wanted you to know that – even though you won’t be in last place
– if you were it wouldn’t overshadow your pride at finishing. I promise!
Thank you all for your encouragement. It means a lot. And now to finish up week five of Couch to 5K with a run on the beach.
You are welcome! And you can do this! Sign up, train, show up and take that medal home! Hang it up and know that you earned it!
I ran a 5K once. When a group of women undergoing chemo AND two grandma’s passed me I decided it was time for a new hobby, hence my bike. I only say this because even though I came in dead last for my age group (and, uh, 3rd to last overall) I still finished it so I KNOW you can do this.
So many people have been jumping on this Couch to 5K program, that I’m actually considering it. Me! A non-runner! I’m definitely waiting until fall, though, because there is NO WAY I’m running in this heat! Best of luck to you this time around!
I could totally relate! I have run and finished 6 half marathons and believe me my times will not impress you in the least. Last year I wanted to sign up for this 15K that all the real runners do around town and was so scared. I finally mustered up enough courage to go down to the local running shop and sign up. When I turned in my form and my check, the guy behind the counter asked if this was my first time. When I replied, “Yes” he replied, “Well, that’s great! Good luck!” I said something like I would need it, I would probably be the last to finish. And I will never, EVER forget his next words. He said, “You know, when you cross that finish line, even if you are last, you beat every single person who didn’t run this race.” And you know, he was right. I did only beat a handful of people that completed the race, but I smile thinking how many people I really beat…. the ones who were too afraid to run it, the people who are too lazy to even attempt to run, the people who just don’t care. I beat them all!
So, good luck to you on your endeavor! You deserve it!
I, too, always had the fear of “I don’t care how long it takes, I just don’t want to come in last”. And then…it happened. I came in last. Dead last. It was an 8k, not a half, but still, I was last, last, last. By a lot. And the world didn’t end, and, more importantly, neither did I. I staggered though the finish line, walked to the car (it was a winter time race, and it was cold), kissed my son hello and rode home. And even if I was last, at least I finished, which was more than I could say for anyone who didn’t run anywhere that day. Ever since then, I’ve lost the “coming in last” fear. I’m slow – I’m running a 7 mile race on Saturday, and I fully expect that it’ll take me around 90 minutes. When I listed my time, well, I’m the last category of runners before the walkers. But it’s more than I could have done a year ago, and I’m really, really proud of myself. Good luck to you – you can do this! And you’re going to feel great!
Good for you….the past is past; stop beating yourself up for what you didn’t do.
Oh wait….I give advice that I don’t follow.
I was introduced to running in college and I loved it! I didn’t feel alive until I had run 3 to 5 miles a day. Running was what I did when stressed or happy. I would push myself to go farther and run thorough any pain I was feeling. Pain…..injuries….they were for lesser runners. This was my life until a bad car accident sidelined me for a while. Add to that several years of horrific pain that seemed to have no reason or diagnosis and you have a woman who constantly berated herself to just get up and run. Can you imagine the damage I did to my joints?
Years later I was diagnosed with Rheumatoid Arthritis and started treating the symptoms. I was told that I HAD to listen to my body, that running when in pain was BAD. So I went the opposite route, and stopped trying. You can imagine my activity level (or lack of) and weight gain (a lot). I took a stand earlier this year and began to work out regularly….and started running again. I set my goals small…Warrior Dash this year, Tough Mudder next year etc.
Only – I didn’t get to Warrior Dash this year. Three weeks before the race I discovered that I was unexpectedly (I mean, really unexpectedly) pregnant. I had to go off my RA meds cold turkey and by the time WD rolled around, I was in too much pain to compete.
My friends are all running their 5 and 10k’s (one friend even ran her 1st 10k while 16 weeks pregnant) and believe me, I beat myself up over my inability to even compete in my “little” race. But, you know, maybe listening to my body was the right thing to do. Hell, it was the right thing to do; nobody (especially a 35 year old woman who wasn’t expecting this) needs a serious injury during their 1st trimester….
It’s easy to tell you to not beat yourself up over what you haven’t done, it’s harder to do it for myself……tell you what, I’ll stop and be a shining example to you and I’ll send you a pic of me crossing the finish at Warrior Dash 2012!
It’s been my goal just to run a 5k for at least the past three years, and I never do. I don’t really know why. Then when I’ve been running recently, I’ve been dreaming of a 10k…. WTF? Am I crazy? I don’t even follow through with the shorter one. At least it’s not just me.
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