I have this face. A face that says, “Tell me all of your secrets.”
And this total stranger, sitting in the waiting room with me at my doctor’s office—she told me her biggest secret.
I don’t know why I am going to tell you this, but I just need to tell a woman. Any woman. I have a profile on Ashley Madison.
Who is she?
It’s not a person, well maybe it is, but it’s a website.
A website for what?
It’s for married women, looking to have an affair.
Can I ask you a few questions? I’m a writer.
Sure. Just don’t use my name.
I don’t even know your name.
Good. Let’s keep it that way.
So I pulled out my iPhone, hit the record button, and I began asking her questions.
How did you find out about the site?
I saw it on TV years ago and was disgusted by it, but it came in handy when I decided to have an affair. I didn’t want to fool around with friends or co-workers.
Why did you decide to have an affair?
Complicated. A lot of factors. Primarily, I am not really in love with my husband. No connection. No intimacy. But, we have kids, and until they grow up, I am going to stay with him because he is a great father.
So you went to this website, and I assume the men have made online profiles. Can you tell me the type of men you find there?
There are two groups of men:
1. 20 somethings with a MILF fantasy who have realized that while they may be striking out with ladies their own age, older, married women are like fish in a barrel. A no-strings, sex barrel.
2. The 40+ midlife crisis men.
Group #2 can be broken down into subcategories (both of which are lies):
1. My wife doesn’t want sex anymore. Which, bullshit, she just doesn’t want sex with you anymore.
2. I’m in an open marriage. This is also bullshit…unless you have a notarized letter from your wife stating such, you are not in an open marriage.
That said, 99% of the men on the site are professional, executive types.
So, do they send you messages, or how do you connect with these guys?
First, you create a profile, then you can search for people based on preferences like location, height, weight, age, etc.
You can reach out to people, or they can reach out to you.
- The men have to pay for to use the website, and the women do not have to pay. Men buy “credits” so they can contact women via wink, email or chat. Women can do all of those things for free.
- Profile photos can be public or private, and if you want someone to see your private photos, you send them a “key”.
- Penis pics are kept in a special “rated” section; so you know they’re there and can decide whether or not to look.
I have yet to hear from an older married man who has successfully started an affair on Ashley Madison. The younger men seem to have better luck, so long as they don’t mind screwing women who are 20 years older, since that seems to be the women demographic.
Everyone on the site lies about their age and height. Whatever the profile says, subtract 2-4″ and add 5 years.
Have you gone on any dates?
Yes, but I have not slept with anyone, yet.
I have, however, met someone that I have a pretty intense connection with.
By intense connection, are you saying this is like butterflies-in-your-stomach dating all over again?
Yes, but you still have to manage a normal day-to-day life. You can’t be all gaga.
It’s also, unlike dating, in that you can’t be demanding of each other or have unrealistic expectations. You have to just take what you can get, when you can get it and be grateful for that time. And you are aware that it is time that both of you are taking away from your spouse and family. So the meetings are few and far between.
I find time around the edges of my life.
What if you find someone amazing, and you decide to leave your marriage, would you ever trust this person? Or is this just about sex?
It’s actually less about sex than it is about connection and intimacy. I have found someone amazing, and I would never marry him. EVER!
But, to be fair, if my marriage ultimately dissolves, I won’t ever marry again. This guy or anyone else. Once is enough for me, and I was married very young. I never really ran wild and free.
This is the first time I’m really free to figure out what I like. I don’t want to marry him or live with him. I don’t have to worry about his genetics, or what sort of father he’ll make, because I don’t want to have kids with him. I don’t care whether or not he’ll be a good provider. I have my own job and don’t want him to support me. I’m not concerned with whether or not he’ll be faithful. I already know he’s not.
How long will you do this?
Use Ashley Madison or have an affair?
Both. I guess…
I’m probably done with the website because I’ve met someone. I just really wanted to meet one person for something long term. I will have an affair until it ends.
Do you feel guilty?
I know I’m supposed to, but I don’t.
I have given so much, for so long… My entire family takes, with no thought or consideration for me. I know it’s my job, but I have reached the limit of what I can give without being replenished in some way. Some women can be selfless forever. I am not one of them.
With that, her name was called to go see the doctor. Honestly, I didn’t even catch her name. I sat there, thinking about all that she had just told me, and how this was oddly making some sense to me. It wasn’t making sense because she was having an affair. It was making sense because so many people take so much from me every single day. And I give it all, many times with nothing in return.
She was doing this for herself.
As she turned to leave, she looked back one more time,
Hey Writer, they’re going to wonder why I just don’t get a divorce.
Why don’t you just get a divorce?
My kids are happy. Their family is intact. People are going to say that it’s better for the kids for unhappy parents to get divorced, and I think they’re wrong.
I’ve been through my parents’ divorce. It was terrible. I don’t want to put my kids through that. They deserve to see both parents every day. They deserve an intact family.
And our marriage is not “bad.” We don’t fight. There’s no abuse in the home. We’re not mean or cruel to each other.
And yes, I am aware of how much damage is caused by infidelity. I have lived through it. It has been done to me, and it was heartbreaking.
And no, this is not about revenge. I have no desire to get even. It’s not tit-for-tat. It’s just about me.
What about his wife?
I don’t know the answer to that. It’s not her fault, though. People in affairs are being selfish. At least we are, anyway.
And off she went. This curious woman walked back into the doctor’s office, leaving me with the most unique interview I’ve ever conducted in my entire life.
Lady, whoever you are, thank you for the interview, and thank you for making the waiting room more interesting.