Dear sweet, stupid, naive 16 year old girl,
Right about now you are starting something that will follow you for the rest of your life. It will make you cringe, be sick to your stomach, and cause you more anxiety than you know. This is the pivotal moment when your whole childhood is wrecked. It will steal friends from you, it will make you not trust your future husband, it will make you feel less than a woman when you finally become one.
It all starts with one kiss. Yes, there has been flirting up to this point. And yes, your feelings have grown into something that they shouldn’t have. But out of all of my deepest wishes for you, I wish you hadn’t let him kiss you. A kiss by definition is to touch with the lips as a sign of love, sexual desire, reverence, or greeting. While in your head you will think it is a sign of love, in his it is just sexual desire. One stupid kiss underneath a spinning ceiling fan in the middle of an empty living room- that was decorated by his wife. For his family.
This kiss will make you so unbelievably happy. You will squeal in your car on your drive home. You will dance around in your seat. Because while this was a one in a million kiss for him, this was your first. And while other girls get to cherish the memory of this historic moment…10 years later you’ve only told 3 people the true story of your first kiss. This is the first thing he has stolen from you that you can never get back.
You, my dear sweet young beautiful girl, are worth so much more than you even know. I know you’re upset because none of the high school guys like you. I know you’ve never had a boyfriend and I know that all you want is to be wanted and told you’re pretty- you’re gorgeous- you’re beautiful- you’re sexy- you’re good enough. In ten years you won’t even remember half of the guys you stared at in your classes wishing they would notice you. In ten years you will be a mom. You will be a wife! (I know…I know…its weird to think that someone wanted to marry you. But it happened, and your wedding day was gorgeous.) You will look back on all of this and cry with an old friend on your couch when you finally let it out about what happened. Instead of a normal whirlwind teenage romance you got cast in the desperate housewife’s as a teen-aged mistress. I wish I could go back in time and talk you out of so many things. But this one will cause you more remorse than you can imagine.
Your first time having sex will not be romantic. It will be in your parents basement. Late at night. It will start in a chair, because he will think you’re use to that kind of stuff already even though he knows you‘re a virgin. And when he can’t penetrate you that way you will then lay on the green carpet, with your shirt still on. You will be laying on your long perfectly highlighted blonde/brown hair to the point of not being able to move your neck so all you will be able to look at is the ceiling. And your precious head will be knocking against your dads stereo speaker from the force of him literally fucking you over for the rest of your life. You won’t remember any kisses. You won’t remember that you were happy it happened. All you will remember 10 years later is that he stole that moment from you. You will remember that while you agreed to it nothing changes the fact that he was 31 and you were 16. When the affair is about to be over, he will invite you to his house. He will have sex with you one last time…and he will then tell you its over. You will be depressed. You will write so much dark poetry. You will live in your bedroom and not want to eat or see any friends. Because he threw you away after he had his fun. You were in love and he was in lust. You will always feel so guilty because he is married and it instills in your head that your first love, your first relationship was tainted with lies. You won’t think it will matter later on in life but it will spill over into the beginning of your marriage. It will make you not trust your husband for reasons unknown to him. Because after all…the only other relationship you were in was nothing but sex, lies, hiding, and deceit. It’s really all that your heart and head have known.
Every time someone mentions adultery you will be embarrassed of your past. And all you had to do was wait until 2006 because that is the year you meet your husband. And it will be everything that you wished and hoped for in high school. When you start to get serious with your husband you will be so afraid to tell him about your past. But you will know you need to. You will tell him everything in his truck at the end of your parents road. You will feel a little bit free because it is the same spot that you had met the other man at many times before and you will feel a whole lot of scared because…holy shit..you know what real love is now and what if your past messes that up as well? But you tell him. And he lets you cry. And he will hold your hand so soft, yet so protecting. He will tell you everything is fine and that it changes nothing between you two.
10 years after your affair you will feel ashamed. You will want your first kiss to not be under that spinning ceiling fan, but instead to be under the stars on the day before thanksgiving with the boy you have fallen head over heels for. Oh how I wish for that to be your first kiss. It was almost a year in the making. There will be anticipation of friends becoming more than friends. There will be butterflies in your belly. He will be so perfectly tall that when he wraps his arms around you and bends down to kiss you, you will feel so safe. You will dance in your bedroom for an hour after he leaves with the biggest smile on your face. You will fall asleep thinking about him and nothing will ever feel that perfect again. This is what I wish I could have given you. There are a lot of other moments in our life that you will want to take back. There are outfits you wish you had never worn. Hair decisions. Friend decisions. Money decisions. (OH GOD THE MONEY DECISIONS!) I wish I could stop you from doing what is just budding into a poisoned flower. I wish I could show you how much you will be loved later on in life because I know that’s all you wanted. You deserve more than he wants to use you for. You are not fat. You are not worthless. You are unbelievably talented. And friendly. And loving. And so, so, pretty. Just wait 2 years for your proverbial prince. Please. He is the man that will never steal anything from you except maybe the chicken from your Cesar Salad on your first date.
This Curvy Girl Guide Community post comes to us courtesy Anastasia.