What’s the biggest literary sensation to sweep the nation since Harry Potter started doing magic to our brains in 1997? Well, don’t tell your mother or your English teacher, but one of the contenders is definitely porn-like in nature. Actually, go ahead and tell them, because chances are, they have the very same porn hidden on their Kindle or a paperback copy stuffed in a desk drawer. Released in 2011, the [amazon_link id="034580404X" target="_blank" container="" container_class="" ]Fifty Shades of Grey trilogy[/amazon_link] has been an epic bestseller, with over 10 million copies sold in the year since its release. It still holds its place as the #1 downloaded [amazon_link id="B005890G8O" target="_blank" container="" container_class="" ]Kindle[/amazon_link] book on Amazon, and even its author, E.L. James, has been shocked by its stratospheric launch into bedrooms worldwide.
What’s so different about [amazon_link id="B007J4T2G8" target="_blank" container="" container_class="" ]50 Shades of Grey[/amazon_link]? For starters, it’s basically porn. Sure, there’s a love story undercurrent, but it’s difficult to notice that love story when you take into account the references to anal plugs and ben wah balls that litter every passionate page. And that’s the other thing that’s very different– it’s not missionary, leave your socks on, post-wedding porn. It’s all about BDSM (bondage, dominance, sadism, masochism) and sex toys and kink.
That’s right. Chances are good that your son’s kindergarten teacher, your cookie-baking neighbor, the cashier at the grocery store, and the snooty woman from the playground are all reading or have read books that discuss fisting and nipple clamps. Weird, right? The sheer scope of different types of women that this book has reached is mind-boggling.
You know whose mind is boggled even more than ours? The husbands and/or partners of these women. What happens when a sweet, cookie-baking, intelligent, stable woman who has spent her married years enjoying pretty traditional sex is all of a sudden gagging for experimentation, kink, and a touch of sexual submission? What happens when once a week sex turns into clawing, grasping, twice-a-day demands for servicing?
Some men are thrilled, having spent the last decades wishing fervently that they might actually get to spank their wives or tie them up, only to fear the wrath they might incur if they suggest such tomfoolery to their beloved spouse and mother to their 2.5 cherubic children.
Finally! A chance to do all that porn stuff that the internet talks about, but that every man knows is just fake, airbrushed, soundtracked, vaginoplastied, mammoplastied, unrealistic…you get the picture.
Finally! Their penises can stop writing disturbed letters to the editor about infrequency of use, replete with threats to pack up their balls and leave!
Life is great, marriage is awesome, and E.L. James is inducted into sainthood by sexually repressed men everywhere. Long live E.L. James!
*loud clapping noise that sounds suspiciously like a sexy, round bottom being whacked with a paddle*
Some men, though, have to be taken aback by the sudden demand for them to act uncharacteristically aggressive. All of a sudden, the John Mayer-types of the world are finding out that the market for their brand of gentle, hair-stroking lovemaking and melodic guitar strains is rapidly shrinking into nothingness.
They’ve been replaced by a new, emerging market that coyly requests hard sex, ball gags, and death metal jams. This kind of rapid about-face sexual preference can put serious strain on a marriage, and has been blamed for everything from arguments to affairs. Some women have just checked out of their relationships, realizing that the sexual status quo wasn’t going to cut it, and their partner couldn’t be the dominant sexual hurricane they needed them to be.
It’s possible that too many women, too many marriages, have become sexually complacent. Sex in long-term relationships can take on a checklist quality, with the same moves and the same positions in the same order for the same length of time. Part of that is knowing your partner’s body, sure. You know what makes them tick, and hopefully they know what makes you tick. But so much of that is just mechanical repetition. If the mouse follows the exact same maze path to the cheese every. single. time. eventually they’re going to find the cheese rolling its eyes and the maze feigning headaches.
In talking to friends, I’ve heard every initiation move in the male partner playbook. A brief poll returned with the answers “he just grabs my boob,” or “he just says ‘we should do it’,” or “he hits me in the butt with his penis when I’m not paying attention,” or “he does the dishes.”
Honestly, the list depressed the life out of me. The thing is this: many women have selected men who are kind, funny, loving, responsible, playful, great dads, great partners, supportive…all good things. But somewhere in that personality type, the aggression and passion got totally lost.
Can you imagine if, during your very first time with a partner, they initiated sex by saying “wanna see my weiner?” The answer would be an immediate “NO! I don’t want to see your ‘wiener.’ Are you 5 years old, or just a creepy pervmobile?” But somehow it becomes okay when you’ve been with someone for a while.
It comes as absolutely no shock that some marriages have struggled with the added demand for the “nice guy” to become the aggressor. To stop doing dishes long enough to pin their wives against the hallway wall at 2:30 in the afternoon, say sexually explicit things in a gruff, aroused voice, and then bend her over for a serious trip to Pound Town? To spend a little more time being rough, dirty, strong, adventurous and sexually attentive? It may be new for old relationships, but many women are looking for that change.
Every partnership has different needs, has a more aggressive partner and a less aggressive partner, has sexual highs and lows. It just comes with the territory. But maybe it’s time to heed the call of the bestseller and recognize that there are 10 MILLION women out there who bought (and probably read) an explicitly sexual novel about rough, wild, multi-orgasmic sex, and maybe that means that some needs aren’t being met, some fantasies aren’t being explored, and some sexual relationships are going to have to adapt and adjust accordingly to keep the spark and satisfaction alive (or to reignite it altogether).
And maybe some of these men should consider reading the books their wives raved about and learning a thing or two about how to show a girl a good time. Just sayin’.
How has [amazon_link id="0345803485" target="_blank" container="" container_class="" ]50 Shades of Grey[/amazon_link] affected your marriage? Has it changed your tastes and preferences when it comes to sex?
image credit NBC/Universal
I refuse to read 50 Shades of Grey because of the plagiarism allegations (it is 89% the same as an earlier written piece of Twilight fan fiction) and I can’t support that- but I *did* read an interesting blurb somewhere that much like the baby boom that happens 9 months after a blizzard or large military unit returns from deployment, there might be a 50 Shades of Grey baby boom happening in the near-ish future.
I heard that too. About the baby boom anticipation that is. Funny will be if it actually happens.
Daisy,
50 Shades & the Twilight Fanfiction (Master of the Universe) were both written by EL James. It is the same story, but she had to change it in order to publish it so it would not be connected to Twilight.
Just thought you would like to know.
Thanks!
It is, however in order to make money off of the book & secure movie rights they author had to certify that it “wholly original” work and “substantially different” than Masters of the Universe. Obviously it is not, and that really bothers me.
No, my marriage hasn’t been at all affected by 50 Shades. . .because I’ve gotten to about the 40th page, and stalled out because it’s so boring and badly written.
I am so happy that someone else found the book boring. I have been feeling like an anomaly.
I agree! It took me so long to finish it. (I hate to leave a book unfinished) I just couldn’t get into it, no pun intended. I didn’t care for the characters. There was just no substance. It dragged so badly between intense scenes. I did not download the other two either.
I think this whole thing is awesome! More women having active fantasy lives, how can that be bad? Overall my marriage has not been affected, because I haven’t read it. But, I read a whole lot of “romance novels” that are really just girl porn! So this book didn’t jump off th shelf into my unexposed, missionary sexing hands. For the Twilight freaks: take it up a whole sexual notch and read some J R Ward. For the people who like less vampires, more history: Susan Johnson. Their stuff is awesome and from what I understand, much better written than 50 Shades of Gray.
I tried to read it but it bored me. Give me some good old erotica or watch the Secretary with James Spader.
I LOVE IT that women are finally understanding it’s OK and NORMAL for us to like porn, too!! The book, I never finished. I was meh about it, but I love the discussions it’s brought.
I’ve not read it but I feel like it would be pretty disastrous for be and my boyfriend’s sex life. We have boring sex. We love it and have no problems in the bedroom, but anything “kinky” would drive us out of our comfort zone…like when I tried to be all aggressive and he couldn’t stop giggling. If I tried to tie him up he’d probably start laughing so hard he’d pee.
No, it didn’t affect my marriage, because I was actually not all that impressed with the sex scenes in it and my husband was downright bored with them when he read the only forty pages that he managed to get through before saying the book was so terribly written that he just couldn’t get into it. And our sex life was already pretty spicy to begin with. Let’s just say there was nothing in that book that I hadn’t at least heard of if not tried.
I think though that the positive outcome is opening up a dialogue to bedroom antics that maybe some people have been too shy to bring up. Now there’s a book to force some conversation.
By the way, I love any blog post that has the words “Pound Town” and “pervmobile”. Way too funny.
I heard an excerpt of the book read aloud, and I was just so uncomfortable hearing it that I couldn’t stop fidgeting….and not in the sexy way. Between that and the fact that I keep hearing it’s HORRIBLY written, I don’t think I’ll be reading it.
Also, I work in a unit in the hospital where the majority of our patients are 75+, and I’ve seen multiple women over that age reading this series. That by itself kind of turns me off. No offense, but it’s not like I really want to imagine my lovely, well-spoken, grandmother-type patients thinking about BDSM. *Shudder*
Ok – I admit it. I read them, all 3, and LOVED them. I could gloss over the horrible grammar, the 8 million “oh mys,” and the inner goddess who wouldn’t shut up. I was totally entertained by all three, and with my husband working 500 miles away and only home every other weekend, to say I jumped him when he walked in the door that next weekend is an understatement. Yes, I had to put my feminist persona on a shelf, and would not recommend for someone who doesn’t have a firm grip on what a real man and woman can and cannot do (i.e. orgasm on demand at the same time, awesome, but really not possible amirite?), but the thought of someone else taking control just took me over the ledge.
So, to answer your question, yes, this has wonderfully transformed my 10 year marriage to the man of my dreams. The only problems (and serious ones at that) we’ve ever had have been in the bedroom. This book told me that sex is OK and it’s OK to have dirty urges or want to be submissive or told what to do. It’s ok to experiment, use toys, etc. Being raised a total WASP, this book told me, hey girl, relax, your husband won’t judge you, he will cheer from the rooftop!!
And he did, and still is cheering, and is thanking the Lord his wife finally took the stick out of her butt (and put something else in it
I am not one to judge on how it was written as I am not a writer so I find it in bad taste for anyone to judge unless they have the background to back it up.
I loved it! I am an extremest and I have read about 15 more “smut” books in the past 4 weeks since finishing fifty shades. I have only read a few novels in my 40 years of life now I can’t get enough! It has transformed things in the bedroom ~ instead of 3 times a week its every day and it has made me rethink things in the bedroom and maybe trust my hubby a little more~ one would think I could after 15 years of marriage but yes a book (or books) had to show me the way!
I’m encouraging everyone I know to read them!
completely agree!
our sex life has definitely improved since i read the books. they are so poorly written on a technical level but the story is sweet. it’s not so much that the sex in the books turns me on, but encourages me. the first sex scene actually had me laughing because we had done almost exactly that a few nights before. i thought “wow, if this is supposed to be the height of awesome, sexy sex…. high five to us”. nine years together has given us a lot of time to learn and communicate.
so i’ve been wanting sex more, and it’s been fun for me to playfully hint at it and see my husband spring in to action. but it’s also been fun for me to be more submissive, i love it. i challenged myself that i would not say no any more, whenever he wanted it, and it has been SO hot!
on the flip side, my husband has no idea i’ve read these books. i keep then hidden in my dresser under my jeans. i know once we had a chance to talk about it he’d probably accept it, especially when he hears that i don’t imagine robert pattinson as christian, but actually imagine him…. still, i want him to be even more aggressive and have no idea how to broach the subject without sitting down to have a talk about it, which would just kill it, or telling him about the books, which i’m pretty sure would really offend him, at least at first.
so i keep trying to make reference to wanting him to be more aggressive, even being more submissive in other areas of our relationship, and it’s happening slowly….
thanks for this article! it was encouraging
These books have driven me crazy. I recommended my wife read them and now regret it. It has played mind games with me thinking when we are together that she is thinking of this fantasy billionaire rather than me. She tried to tell me when she bites her lip she is thinking of sex. So I asked if it was her idea or an idea out of the book. I have NO interest in ideas that aren’t hers. She seemed upset that I said no thanks. Am I out of line or have a legitimate concern? Do you other women think about this stuff when having intercourse? Is it not really a big deal?
I am glad I found this site. I write a monthly humor post titled “The Female Code.” The more I learn about women, the more I’m confused. Maybe I need to let my wife whip me into enlightenment.
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