Some Like It Curvy: 5 Signs He’ll Suck In Bed

by Meredith on January 18, 2013

in Sex & Relationships

5 Signs He Will Suck In Bed

I’m a huge proponent of making a man wait to get inside your… bed.

There’s several reason to make him wait for your prize. But at the end of the day, let’s face it, you don’t want to live with regrets. So now that all of you ladies are going to make him earn it, there are ways to tell if he’s going to be bad in bed.

I’ve spoke to some of my close girlfriends, and we’ve put together the top 5 signs that he’ll suck in bed. After all, you might as well learn from our mistakes.

1. He’s a bad kisser.

Guess what… if his tongue is all jabby, and you feel like a dog just licked your face, chances are this man is a mess in the bedroom.

If you can’t even get your kisses to flow together, you’re probably not going to be blown away by the motion of his ocean.

2. He’s a jerk.

I know we are all attracted to a bad boy. There is something about Adam Levine that gets us going (probably those tattoos). But looking like a bad boy and acting like a bad boy are two very different things.

If you start your relationship feeling like he only wants to get in your pants, then he probably only wants to get in your pants. And her pants. And that girl over there’s pants.

If a jerk is not attentive to you during the courting process, he will not be attentive to you in the sack. You’ll become his booty call. And booty calls from a jerk are just meant for one thing – his pleasure.

3. He’s smelly.

If his breath stinks or you think you can smell his ass or armpits… do not even bother.

It would be super distracting to smell these things the first time you’re doing it, right? He was either never taught personal hygiene skills or he doesn’t care about himself enough to take a shower, brush his teeth, and put on deodorant. If he doesn’t care about himself, he is sure as hell not going to take care of you.

You have two choices when it comes to Stinky McStinkerson. You can politely suggest that he do something about his stench (good luck with that), or you can move on down the road.

4. He’s wastey-faced.

Have you ever tried to have sex with a super drunk person? Yeah. No thank you (unless it’s with me – even drunk it’s most likely perfect – just kidding).

Boys have a problem when they are super drunk. It’s called “Whiskey Dick.” Whiskey wieners do one of two things: they either cannot rise to the occasion or they cannot finish the occasion. Both of these things will make you feel terrible about yourself, when really the problem lies in how much he’s had to drink.

5. He can’t dance.

dirty dancing

Okay, I was hesitant to put this one on the list.

My husband is not lighting a dance floor on fire. As a matter of fact, he sort of looks like he’s having a seizure every time he tries to dance. However, the man is blazing trails in the bedroom. He is the best I’ve ever had.

But I am told, he is the exception to this rule. As a general rule of thumb, if a man can’t dance, he will suck in bed.

Do you agree with that list? What are some other ways you can tell if he’ll be bad in bed?

image courtesy of

Greis January 18, 2013 at 9:51 am

Whiskey dick is no fun, but luckily a good drunk guy will find other ways to make it worth my while!! It’s always a plus if he’s good with his tongue, *ahem*!!

Audrey January 18, 2013 at 10:55 am

Go Greis!

Korie January 18, 2013 at 11:01 am

I have to disagree with number 5. The best I’ve ever had (and the second best, for that matter) absolutely could not dance.

Jen on the Edge January 18, 2013 at 11:17 am

Completely disagree with #5.

Tracey January 18, 2013 at 11:24 am

Disagree with 1 and 5. One of the best I’ve ever had was not the best kisser (though he was taught to be MUCH better, it pays to communicate). He had terrible rhythm, but loved to dance and throw himself about with enthusiasm. It’s the enthusiasm that showed up in the bedroom, if you know what I mean!

Kenny January 18, 2013 at 11:56 am

suck what?

Kendra January 18, 2013 at 12:03 pm

I’m actually rather a fan of type two whiskey dick. Marathon sex FTW.

Nuala Reilly January 18, 2013 at 1:04 pm

Ha ha!! Yes. That.

Dawn January 18, 2013 at 2:28 pm

I concur!

Nuala Reilly January 18, 2013 at 1:03 pm

I have to question that last one too, my hubs isn’t the greatest dancer, but damn…DAMN. Can I just say DAMN!!?

kathy January 18, 2013 at 2:49 pm

Ummmmmm, on #1, the first time my bf and I kissed we were both so nervous ( we were great friends and he was the first person I kissed since separating from my exhusband) that we literally CLANKED teeth. It was horrible….but! lucky ( for us both) I did not let that deter me! 4 years later, I still get butterflies when he kisses me! (our first time “in bed” was also full of nerves…..and holyhell! I am glad I did not count him out after that because he is by far the most talented and passionate I have ever been with and the man can work the hell out of his tounge muscle ;)

Nikki January 18, 2013 at 3:48 pm

I disagree partially with #1 and completely disagree with #5. Some things that make a guy a bad kisser actually work out for the, ahem, better in other areas. And my two best lovers have been awful dancers. I’m not saying that is always the case, but in my experience, their moves on the dance floor have nothing to do with their moves in the bedroom.

Mari January 18, 2013 at 7:58 pm

I disagree with #1&5 but I would add if he can’t tell you what he likes to do to a girl except put his penis in her, he will most definitely suck in bed…

Mackenzie January 19, 2013 at 10:56 am

As far as # 5 goes, I lucked out on both counts, hubs is a good dancer in and out of bed! But I think the real question is will he dance? I’ve dated some guys who were terrible dancers, but they’d try to dance and were fun on the floor. That willingness to try new things, be enthusiastic, translates well in other departments.

Amanda January 19, 2013 at 10:39 pm

You beat me to it! My guy isn’t a great dancer, but he’s always willing to get out there and give it a shot. And he carries that enthusiasm into other areas of his life as well ;)

Anna January 20, 2013 at 8:26 pm

I wouldn’t classify Adam Levine as a bad boy. Sure, he’s tatted up and sexy as hell, but he’s such a sweetie! And I bet he’s fantastic in bed!

Reformed Slut January 28, 2013 at 9:15 pm

I only agree with #2 if you’re looking for meaningful sex.
Bad boys can make the best booty calls. And they’re not afraid to be naughty.

Other signs you’re in for a disappointing experience:
1. they’re done before they get to 3rd base
2. guys without a lot of experience – not necessarily bad, but might require coaching to make it all you want it to be (which isn’t necessarily bad, but could also end up being masturbation with a guy)
3. Guys with inhibitions about sex – makes them shy in bed, not open to communication, don’t like to talk dirty – generally feel that what they do works (for them) so don’t want to talk about it or be adventurous.

I would be interested to know the reverse here – how can guys tell that a girl is going to be bad in bed?

Tracey February 4, 2013 at 11:01 am

EQUIPMENT malformation is a good clue to what is going to really be bad sex. :( (*think Gonzo nose, only as a penis)

Jerrywhyte February 5, 2013 at 4:13 am

I disagree with option 5. Most good guys in bed don’t know how to dance.

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