Apple.

I know it’s kind of a hard name to hear, I mean, have you looked at an apple lately?  It’s not the sexiest fruit in the produce aisle, but you’re not an apple—you’re an apple shape, and that’s something you can make work (“werk” even).  For starters, you’ve got a great rack and some nice stems.  You may wonder if nature forgot to give you waist, and you were pretty sure Queen’s “Fat-bottom Girls” was about you until you realized they weren’t saying flat, but those are things a few special pieces of shapewear can take care of in a jiffy.

And I know you were always secretly hoping to turn out to be an hourglass girl or have admired a pear’s comparably tiny torso and lush tush, but don’t sell yourself short.  Instead, go buy some clothes that will help you rock what’cha got.

First, if you’re a shapewear kind of gal, I’ve got one word for you: torsette. I’ve heard waist cinchers are good too, but why just cinch the waist when you can cinch the waist AND smooth everything out? (Everything meaning the front pooch and the back rolls.)  We carry our weight on our torso, apple girl—it’s just the way our bodies are—and the oh so aptly named torsette helps disguise some of the lumps and bumps, while also letting us wear our own bras!  Smoothing out the python that’s seemingly wrapped itself around my trunk and still getting to wear my nice, comfy DD holder from Victoria’s Secret? Yes, please.

Next, (and my apple sister, we should have this tattooed on our bodies somewhere) empire waists are our friends. Now this doesn’t mean you have to Baby Spice it—there are plenty of empire waist items that don’t look like they belong on a four-year old.  Basically, aim for something that embraces your luscious bust, but just kind of hover-hands anything below the bra line (It still has the shape of your body, but it doesn’t cuddle right up against it).

And if you keep seeing something super cute and empire-y and then are appalled when you realize you’ve ended up in Target’s maternity section AGAIN, stop getting so hung up on labels.  Maternity just means a little extra room in the belly, and guess what apple girl?  That’s where we need our clothes to be a little bit more forgiving.  If you’re killing it in a super fetch maxi dress, droppin’ jaws left and right, does it really matter what section you got it in?

Now, remember that waist that nature forgot?  It can make wearing jeans, or bottoms in general, rather . . . challenging.  If you don’t get a pair that sits on your natural “waist” (that barely there indention in between the top of the spare tire and the bottom of your ribs) you’re gonna have a bad time.  You’ll spend all day either hitchin’ up them britches or bemoaning that sweet belt bulge you see every time you walk past a reflective surface.  I know that waist-high anything probably sounds like granny-wear, but as long as you’re not tucking something into those babies, no one has to know how high your pants go. And denim, with just a touch of spandex, is almost as good as shapewear (I said ALMOST).

As for trying to find high-waisted jeans that give you an ass?  I’m sure they’re out there, but they might cost $250 or something, and you can get some of those butt implant panties for like, $25.

There are lots of other “secrets” I could share (like how the right kind of long cardigan can hide a multitude of sins, and that a button up shirt that doesn’t look like it’s about to concuss someone with a button is worth all of our weights in gold), but I don’t want to give you a checklist of what to stock your closet with.  Sure I recommend sticking with apple-friendly basics, but there’s a whole lot more out there than basics, right girl? Don’t be afraid to try on something new and scary; we should pay attention to our shape, but not let it dictate every single one of our dressing room choices.

Above all, my beautiful apple sister, wear what makes you look and feel good.

Amanda Johnson is a mom, tries to be a good wife, and wants to be a writer.  She rambles on with absolutely no consistency (but plenty of curse words) on her blog, The Humble Narcissist.

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