Watch me Procreate

I am Santa.

December 28, 2012

Alright, who’s coming over to clean this mess up? I blame these heathens. On December 24th my house was Priest-clean (what’s that? Oh, click here.), but by 7am on December 25th it turns into a dump and I’m waiting for the Junk Lady from The Labyrinth to pop out all, what’s the matter, don’t you [...]

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Is Motherhood Sexy?

December 12, 2012

The other day I got an email asking me if I was making motherhood sexy. Gosh, I have no idea. Was I supposed to be? Would my kids describe me as sexy to their friends? Have I been doing this wrong the whole time? I mean, it ended up being an email about pole dance [...]

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Newsflash: Princess Kate is Pregnant and I’m afraid of heights.

December 4, 2012

I’m in New York City for exactly twenty eight hours to meet with Lucky jeans, more on that later. What matters is… the princess is pregnant. I don’t know what it is about Kate Middleton. Maybe it’s her pretty teeth, her shiny hair, the fact that we are the same size and could share clothes, [...]

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Thankful 2012

November 22, 2012

I’m thankful people have slowed down the cupcake freak-out and gone back to serving cake so I don’t feel like I’m stuffing my face like Wreck It Ralph at parties.

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Cough & Pee

November 9, 2012

I’ve had this consistent dry cough for six days. It’s not even productive, and it bugs that I even know how to quantify a productive cough, because if you were to ask me pre-kids if my cough was productive, I would have been like, fuck yeah it’s productive, it just ate 2 sleeves of saltines [...]

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Why it’s so hard for me to be religious.

October 31, 2012

This is a personal issue I’ve been struggling with. And, by personal, I mean mine. I can’t possibly articulate, value or judge your beliefs. I can only wrestle with my own. There’s an old joke amongst former Catholic School attendees; you can tell who went to Catholic School because they’re all atheists now. Many of [...]

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The Mummy

October 17, 2012

This weekend we’re having a kid Halloween party. I’m really excited about it. Well I was more excited about it two months ago when I declared we were going to throw it and bought a bunch of Halloween magazines, and am slightly less excited about it now that I have to clean my house and [...]

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Parenthood & Friendship

September 28, 2012

Admittedly, I’m not good at making friends. Like, I thought I was, and I went about my life thinking I was, but as I age and people’s fucking filters break down, I’ve come to realize that is not the case. I’ve narrowed it down to two basic, yet contradictory, scenarios. 1. I get too close [...]

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Dance

September 26, 2012

I plan to spend the day watching Dance Mom marathon and Center Stage (COOPER NIELSEN!).

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Dakota Fanning Mattress.

September 17, 2012

We got a new mattress, and it’s basically the most exciting thing that has ever happened in our seven year marriage. We aren’t even having sex in it because we have this crazy new mattress narcolepsy every time we lay on it. The first night we had it I woke up at 3am fully clothed, [...]

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