Parenting

The best way to spend a Thursday night in April.

May 5, 2009

So, I had a baby. And she’s lovely, and wonderful, and she smells like fairy dust and cookies. Seriously. She is delicious. I could eat her. Whole. And childbirth? Childbirth was magical. My body became an embodiment of the soul of mother nature, my insides twisting and turning to release this new force of life into […]

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April 30th

May 1, 2009

She’s here. And I’m in love.

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Bear down…whatever the crap that means, anyways.

April 30, 2009

It’s time. Ouchie. This….might hurt a bit. Too late for kegels on the way to the hospital? Hope not.

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General Tso’s guide to labor and placenta eating.

April 23, 2009

Lots of sex.  Doggy style.  And lots of walking.  Wow. Really? Thanks for the tips overweight former male teacher from grade school. I love unsolicited labor advice when I am randomly standing in line behind you at the pharmacy. Especially from hairy, fat dudes from my past. Because now I have to picture you banging […]

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That will bring us back to doe…oh, oh, oh.

April 16, 2009

It just hit me I am going to have three kids. I was in the bathroom, totally hating myself for the spicy chicken sandwich I picked up from Wendys and practicing some none hideous pushing the baby out faces in the mirror with the door locked, and the boys were literally trying to break the […]

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EEE-stir and the twins.

April 13, 2009

Holidays suck. When you can’t drink. And you spend the whole time running after your kids. So they don’t break something (an urn). Or lose something (heart medication/erection pills). Or die (nosehair clippers in the socket). So, I spend the day all hot and sweaty. Repeating 20 billion times that, yes, I am due any […]

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Am sexy, y’all.

April 7, 2009

I have been pregnant three times. I can’t really say I’ve glowed through any of them. In fact, I have no knocked up pictures from round one, and since I was carrying the weight of dos pregnancies the second time around, I have zip from that experience either. The only documented proof I have of […]

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Ticking.

April 3, 2009

So, I know why you are all here. I’m like a time bomb. Did she pop? Is she live vlogging the birth? Will she poop on the table? And the truth is, no.  I didn’t pop…yet.  I am not vlogging the birth, as I can in no way verify what the fuck things even look […]

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Hot dog hands and skinny jeans

April 1, 2009

Why can’t we all wear elastic waist maternity pants, like, all the time? How can everyone not be on board with this? You can eat forever, they are super easy to slip off when you are having sex on the basement steps while your kids watch Dora, and they would virtually eradicate the muffin top. […]

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My own personal brand of crazy, Volume 93848567372

March 27, 2009

Ok, so you freak the fuck out over Jello Pudding Pops in the freezer section of Walmart, and people start treating you like Britney Spears.  And not, Circus I have my shit together thanks to my daddy and cheese grits Britney.  No.  The I shave all my fucking hair off and attack shit with umbrellas […]

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