I remember being in junior high and kissing a boy on my friend’s bed for 3 hours. Three whole hours. No talking, just intense rhythmic french kissing.
I’ve been married to Andy for 10 years. If there is anything I learned from last year, our anniversaries come and go here with little pomp and circumstance. And we like it that way, because we’re tired and always forget to grab cheesy cards from the grocery store the night before.
Ladies, your husbands are emailing me. Repeatedly. You may or may not have any idea this is happening. It’s probably while you’re in the shower, or after you go to bed. Or maybe when you think they’re texting a co-worker on the couch, or in the bathroom on their iPads.
“You never call me anymore.” He said. “Yes I do!” “Um no, you don’t. It’s Wednesday and you haven’t called to bug me at work all week?” So, two things. One, he apparently only pretends to be annoyed with me, which only confirms my theory that my exasperating personality is a large part of my […]
“8 and three dashes.” “What?” “8 and three… yes three dashes.” I hold three fingers up into the air as Andy and my brother Adam stare at me from the table saw positioned on the deck. “8 and three dashes.” I yell at them again from the center of the dining room. “What the fuck […]
Monday I rolled over in bed to come face to face with my little doll-faced cherub. I am keenly aware of the imaginary clock ticking above our heads, and our time of morning time girl snuggles are fleeting. I touched my finger to her warm little nose and she opened her heavy eyes, smiled softly, […]
I’ve been having car issues. Mechanically, my SUV was cherry. Logistically I wanted to light it on fire and push it into the pond. The problem is that I have three children in car seats on a single bench seat. So what, you ask? Oh, you’ve never put a condom on a dude then tried to […]
Andy and I forgot our wedding anniversary. Then we suddenly remembered the night before, except we both incorrectly assumed it was our 10 year anniversary, which left us both scrambling. Fuck, what is the traditional gift for 10 years? Wikipedia says tin. Can it be Target Gift Cards and leftover Udon soup, because I have […]
For a while there, we could blame our hermitism and societal lameness on the children. Gosh, we’d love to go out, but we don’t have a sitter…. we’re exhausted… Wyatt is sick… Jude has a game in the morning… Gigi swallowed our car keys. Kids are like built in get-out-of-shit cards. But the real truth of […]
So I just spent 27 minutes flushing my tear ducts out this morning watching this… And that, on top of this… And it wormholed into this…. And then this… I mean, seriously dude, I bet Andy is pretty thankful youtube proposals weren’t a thing 10 years ago. Just me, him and the guy in charge […]