Playing House.

We have been in our forever house for a year. I would be lying if I said there weren’t still at least three boxes in the garage left to unpack. I’m assuming they are full of sports bras, ovulation tests and my Jack Lallane Juicer, because it’s been 14 months and I have yet to […]

The talk.

There is absolutely nothing I love more than talking about intercourse and vaginas with my father. (sarcasm.) When I switched to public high school, he sat me down to tell me that if I ever took my bra off I’d get pregnant, and that speaking to boys was an invitation for rape or marriage. Since […]

The cure for the down lows.

Do you know how to braid? Should I whiten my teeth, like, pretend you are looking at me, and I look like myself, only with whiter teeth, how do I look? Can I paint my toes hot pink in the winter, or is that like white after Labor Day? Andy, seriously, can you tell I’m […]

It takes a village.


One. Two. Three. Three reasons why today, I’m wearing the same leggings I wore yesterday.  And the day before that.  And the day before that. Three reasons why we’re having cereal for dinner, we need a new plunger, I’ll be working past bedtime, and I have to wash the rug next to the toilet.  Again. […]


In light of this week’s State of the Union Address, I thought I should maybe just come out and share something with you. I’m…apolitical. Kinda like being asexual, only way easier, because it doesn’t require me to know how to tie a man’s necktie. Socially, I am what you might call, liberal, and that takes […]

It’s not you. It’s me.

I was never really good at breaking up with people. To this day, I have trouble with confrontation. Unless it’s a situation where I am provoked in some way, most the time, I just pity the other person to a point where I make up lies to hurt their feelings less. Fourteen years ago I […]

Mr. Green

There are eight Michael Green’s in our phonebook. Each one got a letter from me. Only one knows what the hell it was for. On the first day of public high school my freshman year, he made me stand up in front of the entire English Class. What does your shirt mean? Rage Against the […]