It’s April, my birthday month, which is also the start of a marathon mind fuck surrounding things like mortality and the afterlife and if Hunger Games time will come before or after I am gone.
Sometimes I wake up and know from the second I take my morning pee, checking my phone on the toilet until my legs go numb, that I will not be fit for the internet.
Having a live tree has been a live, in-home therapy session for my closeted holiday OCD. We had such a magical day planned to go pick out the perfect tree. We’d hop in the car and sing Christmas carols the whole way. We’d walk together down the rows and rows of trees, homemade hot chocolate […]
For a while there, we could blame our hermitism and societal lameness on the children. Gosh, we’d love to go out, but we don’t have a sitter…. we’re exhausted… Wyatt is sick… Jude has a game in the morning… Gigi swallowed our car keys. Kids are like built in get-out-of-shit cards. But the real truth of […]
I feel like there are tons of things about being a woman or an adult or even a mom, I should know. And it’s only when I come into a situation in which I should clearly be able to effectively function, that I realize, I have no idea what I’m doing. Somebody take away my […]
Sometimes I think the front facing camera is the best invention of the 21st century. Probably even better than the segway or Bruno Mars. It’s a girl’s best friend. We know our angles and have patience with ourselves as we try to figure out how to aim the camera so our eyebrows are even and […]
I keep meaning to say more about things. I have conversation ADD. Hey I bumped an old person with my car… oh look! Cool Ranch Dorito Tacos! Plus, I’m like day 3 into a fight with Andy that he has no idea we are having. I’m irritated as hell over his ambivalence, but he seems […]
I yell at movie screens. And televisions, especially commercials. Talk radio, motivational speakers, elementary school plays… What the hell, if you’re going to do Grease, Rizzo has to miss her period, it’s integral, I could give two fucks that they’re eight. Maybe don’t do Grease until everyone is menstruating, John Travolta is turning in his […]
I spent last week in Palm Springs. Brittany fun fact, I actually lived there as an infant, but have absolutely no recollection of the event save for some story about how we used to live near Jackie Coogan, who was Uncle Fester in the Addams Family television show, and that he held me one time. […]
Admittedly, I’m not good at making friends. Like, I thought I was, and I went about my life thinking I was, but as I age and people’s fucking filters break down, I’ve come to realize that is not the case. I’ve narrowed it down to two basic, yet contradictory, scenarios. 1. I get too close […]