Most days I walk around my house pretending to be Oprah. You know, pre-weird about bread Oprah. I’m building an empire! Give me carbs and a house in Hawaii!
Ever have the type of stomach virus that renders every poor schmuck that comes to your door a potential caretaker? “I just threw up so hard toilet water splashed up and hit my face and I pooped in my shorts, what should I do?” I asked, holding a towel to my cheek.
Have you tried a Diva Cup? Sometimes it takes a few cycles. Did you give it a few cycles? You have to really push it up there. Like, pinch the rim and push it up there.
First of all, four year olds aren’t in charge of making life decisions. Logically, I know this to be true. I’m the parent. No means no. Because I said so. I walked up hill both ways in the snow to do whatever asinine thing you are trying to weasel out of to play XBox. I’ll […]
So here’s the thing, I love wood. This whole mess is all because I love wood. And I had kids. Those two things. The back story is that every time one of us goes out of town, the other always tries to have a surprise for them when they come home. Sometimes it’s a poster […]
We spent last weekend at a wedding for one of Andy’s college friends, and it was one of those situations where he was in the wedding, but I was not, and that’s fine. Seriously. The less I need longline strapless bras in my life, the better. They always start off okay, but by hour three, […]
Yesterday I tried to put together a television console we had purchased for the play room. Nothing fancy, just an Ikea clearance item we picked up a few weeks ago that I was tired of Andy giving me the annoyed face about every time he tripped over the heavy box going out to the garage. […]
As we sat on our canopy bed along the beach, sleeping under our straw hats and dark sunglasses, two thin figures stepped into our sun. They were young, maybe 20, with tan skin and spiky jersey shore hair and hands full of glossy flyers. Heyyyyy you wanna go to Coco Bongo? I’m sorry what? Coco […]
Sometimes when I go to Mexico- and by sometimes I mean both times I have ever been there- I get a condition I call jellyfish hands. Basically I break out in an intense full body rash that makes my hands sting like I’ve been fisting jellyfish and I’m unable to use them as anything other […]
I feel like there are tons of things about being a woman or an adult or even a mom, I should know. And it’s only when I come into a situation in which I should clearly be able to effectively function, that I realize, I have no idea what I’m doing. Somebody take away my […]