Adorably Mental

Beauty Marks.

January 18, 2012

I have been mole-y since birth. My arms, my shoulders, my legs, below my mouth, I even have not one, but two moles on my vagina. Which makes me special, right mom? I’ve only ever seen one, and without a mirror, I can’t confirm the second, though I’ve had various reports. It’s like the Loch [...]

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Couches.

December 27, 2011

I consider anything over $100 out of my mental capacity to purchase alone. Computers, cars, houses, couches. There is this man in a short sleeved buttoned up shirt, the kind of shirt guys wear who never have to wear button up shirts, until they are suddenly faced with the need to buy something to wear [...]

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Real conversation with my mother.

December 21, 2011

Mom: Seriously, who raised you?

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Haunted.

October 31, 2011

I grew up in the middle of the woods, also known as, the place where everyone fucking dies in every scary movie, ever. So, I never watched them. In fact, up until college, I had only seen one scary movie my whole entire life.  April Fools Day. And then, Andy tried to convince me to face [...]

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Patriotic.

September 28, 2011

This is  a totally true story, though I changed the name of the person involved so I don’t get assassinated or my voter card taken away, if they even do that, I’m not sure, but I think really stupid people vote all the time, so I should probably be fine.  Plus, wouldn’t the REAL punishment NOT being [...]

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Brittany Scouts

September 17, 2011

Which is why I would like to step in to mentor the youth left behind, lacking real and basic life skills, with a little organization I plan to call, Brittany Scouts.

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Hoes before Bros

September 15, 2011

I’d like to think if one day I killed somebody, and I needed to get rid of the body, my friends would help.

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Cleanliness and Godliness and Drunkeness.

September 7, 2011

Growing up, there was a girl in my class whose house was full of garbage.  She didn’t have a ton of friends, and my mother, being the bleeding heart that she was, often volunteered me at summer day camp to stay the night at her house. The first time I slept over, we watched scary [...]

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Blood in the Water.

August 26, 2011

Blood in the Water.

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The Most Productive Worst Day Ever.

August 24, 2011

I like to pretend that I am in charge of absolutely everything that happens in this house. With the exception of things that take place on the phone, like scheduling appointments or ordering Indian food, I have it handled. I plan the vacations, I pick out the furniture, I make the dinner. It’s partially because [...]

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