As you may remember, I played my own version of Fifty Shades Fantasy Football over a year ago.
So far, I am 0-2. Which only affirms, not that I am really bad at guessing things, but that other people are really bad at giving people millions of dollars to be in sex movies.
So what was my response to the news that Charlie Hunnam and Dakota Johnson had been cast as Fifty’s Christian and Ana?
1. Wait, we’re still doing this?
2. Who are these people OMG I DON’T HAVE INTERNET HERE.
3. *anticlimactic sigh*
We’ve all long since learned that Fifty Shades of Grey is the skunk weed gateway drug to amazing erotica, and while part of me is like, how about we table this and just make a Harry Potter Where Are They Now, the other part does feel sentimental and wants to see this whole thing through.
I don’t watch Sons of Anarchy (yes I know, I will eventually, pinky swear), so I have zero feelings about Charlie Hunnam. Like none, other than, you know, my picks were obviously way better. But, I looked him up on youtube and he looks like a good actor who can tackle troubling roles, he’s pretty, probably cleans up well, and although he seems a little older than what I pictured Christian to be in my head, I’m not ready to post-game riot about it just yet.
Dakota Johnson, however… was no one else available? Was Bai Ling busy, because she’ll be in almost anything and honestly, she’d be a more believable Ana Steele. I’ve seen Dakota Johnson in Ben & Kate and 21 Jump Street (which is hysterical, btw), and yeah, not feeling this one. For me, she plays a little too old for Ana, and a touch too ethereal. I blame all her previous roles as being those of a mature, responsible adult person. I picture Ana, in my opinion the annoying pinnacle of poor life decisions, to be young, dark, bull headed and unnecessarily complicated.
I haven’t signed any petitions or sent E.L. James a box with Gwenyth Paltrow’s head in it… yet. But, I’m disappointed. (Imagine me saying that in the same voice your parents use when they find out you did something shitty, but they’re too fucking tired to get into it, so they resort to emotional warfare.)