Asides

This morning I woke up to an article on NBC talking about the best jobs in the country right now. As always, I’m shocked not to see the reality television industry at the top, because it seems to be booming, but whatevs, we can’t all be Honey Boo Boo. (Disclaimer: I can’t watch that show because the mom is too heavy of a mouth breather, and that makes my neck hair stand up. Like nails on a chalkboard. It’s a hard limit.)

So, the interesting thing about that whole report was what was at the top of their list… Online Affiliates.  Now, I’m not a scientist, but I think the basic rundown is that link is put there by a person, and that link has an ID in it specific to said person, and every time that specific link is clicked, that person earns money.

Sometimes you see affiliate links on blogs or websites that have gift guides or often talk about products allowing the site owner to earn a small percentage of what you buy by clicking that link. Many times you may not even notice the links exist, and I guess you can have mixed feelings about the whole thing, but that’s a debate for another day. I can tell you I don’t use them, but honestly, I still think the condescending Willy Wonka meme is still funny, so what do I know about being hip and savvy on the internet?

But, there is another form of affiliate link you might be super familiar with. You know, those annoying links you see embedded in websites and forums and comments sections?

This was a gr8t post, TRY THESE PENIS DRUGZ FOR YOUR SEX?

A person, or a person and his robot, puts that link there, and when you click it, they make money. I have no idea how much.

Sounds scammy? Like those infomercials for house flipping and tchotchke sales? Kinda, but that’s impossible, because it’s in a real life Careers on NBC News article, and the human lady they interviewed makes, like, $5,000 a month. So honestly, it makes sense this is a growing business, I guess I just didn’t realize it would top a jobs report. (Above Mathematician!? Sorry ’bout your luck, Little Man Tate.)

So, twice in the Top Jobs article, it links to a company called Online Business Systems, and you can get the whole entire trial for free (less shipping), by clicking the link, and this intrigued me, because being able to work from home is the new American Dream, and I say that without sarcasm. I have two parents out of work, and many friends job hunting right now, and I think my generation is one that somewhat demands and expects ownership and flexibility in their work, and the freedom of this whole affiliate thing, admittedly, sounds intriguing but also? Crazy suspicious. So before I called my dad all, OMG I SOLVED YOUR INSURANCE PROBLEM, I decided to check out the Online Business Systems website myself. It had a shocking amount of ZERO information on it, other than being super upbeat and colorful. Like a fun anime acid trip.

I was so confused, and then Jenny popped up.

So, I might as well ask her what’s up, right?

Jenny Says: Hey wait! We hate to see you go. So just this once we would like to offer you a FREE Home Business Tax Guide, along with a Prioritized Home Business Consultation! CLICK HEREto take advantage of this amazing offer!

Jenny Says:PLUS we won’t keep you waiting! We’ll ship your package immediately and schedule a consultation for you ASAP so you can get started immediately.
Jenny Says: Learn how to save thousands of dollars in cash every year with a home based business — you’ll get our risk free information-packed guide 100% risk free. CLICK HERE
Jenny Says: I’ll be here if you have any more questions :)

You: Great, this whole thing sounds a little vague, but the pitch on NBC said no selling just posting links?


Jenny Says:Let me explain a little more. OBS is a cutting edge marketing system that allows you to build an internet-based business from the comfort of your own home.

Jenny Says:We are associated with a company that does over $3 billion in sales and is publically traded on the New York Stock exchange.
Jenny Says: OBS will help you launch your business and give you all of the tools that you need and a personal business coach — the time is now! CLICK HERE

You: Wow, impressive, what company?


Jenny Says:We are so sure that this package will work for you that not only do we offer a 90-day money back guarantee, less shipping, but we will include the Home Business Tax Guide for FREE!

Jenny Says: Just CLICK HERE for the secret order page with this bonus offer.

You: Cool, awesome deal, thanks, what company is this for?


Jenny Says: You’re very welcome! :)


You: Yeah, so about my question, I like to go into business deals a bit informed, what company would I be posting links for? And is there really NO selling?


Jenny Says: We would like to offer you a FREE Home Business Tax Guide, along with a Prioritized Home Business Consultation! CLICK HERE to take advantage of this amazing offer!


You: Oh I know, I saw it was free in the NBC article, I am just weary of work from home scams, ya know?


Jenny Says: Available through this chat only I am authorized to offer you the Home Business Tax Guide Risk FREE for 14 days when you order today. Just CLICK HERE

At this point, I started to get frustrated that Jenny was not hearing my words.


You: My vagina is on fire.


Jenny Says: That is inappropriate.


You: Just making sure you are reading what I am typing because I’ve asked you a question like 5 times and you are avoiding it, which worries me, since I have to invest money in your product


Jenny Says: I am sorry, I only have limited information.


You: So wait, you have no idea what you are actually selling?


Jenny Says:Just remember, the ONLINE BUSINESS SYSTEMS Decision Package comes with our 90-day money back guarantee (less shipping & handling fees) and now for a limited time we’ll give you the Home Business Tax Guide for FREE and get a Prioritized Home Business Consultation.

Jenny Says: Your satisfaction is GUARANTEED CLICK HERE for this last-minute offer.

You: This has been crazy informative, ordering now, and I LOVE your hair in your avatar, you look really pretty, thanks for everything!


Jenny Says: Well thank you very much! That was nice :)

So obviously, I ordered ten. Thanks for the tip, NBC!

(Psst. I am totally aware there are legit work from home businesses, feel free to share them and your experiences here, but for reals, don’t link me to erection drugs, they, like, never work for me.)

18 comments

Dear Diary,

I just flew into Texas… and boy are my arms tired.

No really, like, they’re cramped up and sore from literally gripping the arm rest and the arms of the big hairy guy next to me for 2 hours and 20 minutes as I tried to mentally keep the airplane in the air.

The guy to my right with a hook for a hand was flossing his teeth. And the pilot was all, sorry for the delay, we’re making sure the wings are balanced and, like attached, and not made of play-dough er whatever.

I’m usually not entirely picky what airline I fly on, I mean, I google if they seem less crashy and all, but honestly, I usually gravitate for the cheapest direct flight I can find. I’d fly Keanu Reeves Express Air if it was a good price, wasn’t shaped like a phone booth, and they didn’t have a Chicago layover, because O’Hare collects connecting flights like fucking Gollum.

But, I gotta say, Spirit… not a fan.

I’m just a nervous flyer, ya know, so when it feels, physically, like I’m already in a coffin, it just sorta sets a tone of death for the rest of the flight.

So, long story short, I spent almost three hours flying through, over and around storms, as I clung to the gentle ginger man next to me, who generously offered his arm to me, and said things like…

Oh it’s totally normal to swing side to side like this.

Planes get struck by lightening all the time.

It’s like pot holes in the sky.

You know what, stop it. It’s not like pot holes in the sky. I know the data, ok yeah fine, flying is safer than driving, but the difference is, driving happens on the ground, flying happens in the air, and in my opinion, the only way out of that situation is down, and I’d rather not go there.

So, I began drinking until we landed in Dallas 40 minutes late.

Thanks for letting me hold onto your arm, Louis.

My name’s Eric.

Yes, like the Little Mermaid, you showed me a whole new world.

I think that’s Aladdin?

Whatever, thank you.

No problem, I mean… the other guy had a hook arm, sooo….

And then I hugged him.

I have no idea how I’m getting home.

Love,
Brittany

18 comments

I’m always surprised when someone offers me a job after I say things like…

You’re a parenting site? Great, I’d like to not talk about my kids.

Is there a limit to how many times in an article I can use the words clitoris?

Can we interview and mock famous people?

Do we have to fact check?

Can we have your personal phone number to drunk text you ideas and/or compromising badly lit cell phone pics at all hours of the night?

You know we’re idiots, right?

They said yes.

Honestly, we’re a couple of assholes and I’ll be shocked if we last two weeks.

Our first piece is up, we consider it a mission statement of sorts, check it out.

That’s What She Said

(Disclaimer: This is a Babble link. You are not being Babble-rolled. Also, there are no slideshows, I mean, we can barely even work the internet.)

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I make no apologies, I was a total movie rat.

My parents owned a video rental store, and I spent a ridiculously large amount of time pretending that I was absolutely anyone besides the fat little girl with glasses and a huge gap between her teeth.

After spending this morning cuddled up in bed with my boys introducing them to The Goonies, it reminded me of all the reasons I spent so many nights wishing I was one of those girls from the 80′s and early 90′s I was dying to switch places with.


Jennifer (Kerri Green), Summer Rental
This movie was hilarious, and makes me miss John Candy so much.


Chris (Elizabeth Shue), Adventures in Babysitting
Screw Brad and Mr. Cool, Thor was fucking hot.


Lydia (Winona Ryder), Beetle Juice
Seriously, I’m already weird and I would kill to pull off those bangs.


Diane Court (Ione Skye), Say Anything
You cannot tell me with a straight face that you haven’t had the John Cusack outside your window with a boombox fantasy.


Louise (Robyn Lively), Teen Witch
Two words: Top that.


Sarah (Jennifer Connelly), Labyrinth
Did I wish for the Goblin King to come on more than one occasion? Sure. But baby brothers are irritating and HOW HOT WAS BOWIE IN THOSE PANTS!?


Mercedes (Heather Graham), License to Drive
I went through a phase where I begged my parents to legally change my name to Kimberly, when they selfishly refused, I promised to only give my kids the coolest names ever, which is when I swore I’d name my daughter Mercedes. Ahem.

32 comments

I AM THE MASTER COMMANDER.

All the best things happen in Target bathrooms.

17 comments