This contains spoilers. Lots of them.

Alright, this is going to be quick, because it turns out it’s really easy to write a book review for a book that’s, like, 70% humping.

Yesterday, I talked about Fifty Shades of Grey Book 1, and today, I will tackle book 2, because they are super fast reads, and I don’t have a lot going on right now.

So, in terms of the sex, Fifty Shades Darker is less freaky and more lovey, nobody is using the word vagina yet, and everybody is always eating. In reality, this is my utopia, but in terms of fantasy… it’s hard to wrap my head around people who use old people words for genitals.  Even a cooter would be a welcome change up.

Christian has told Ana he loves her, and Ana is basically the most annoying person on the planet. As per usual.

Christian is the one who is supposed to have all these issues, but, I’ll be honest, I’d take a ball gag to the mouth before I’d sit and listen to Ana have constant freak outs about my ex-old lady lover, my suck ass childhood, and also every other thing ever OMG SHE IS FIFTY SHADES OF INSECURE, NAGGY AND STABBY.

What’s that Christian? You spank women who look like your dead drug addict birth mother and then have sex with them? Sounds awesome, let’s get away from this crazy pants lip biter over here, she’s weirding me out.

That’s how you know a character is flawed, everyone is more appealing to hang out with than her, even the sadist.

On the plus side, this book had a plot, which was a nice change up, but I’m still having trouble picturing characters in my head.  I’ve decided Christian is the guy who played the Winklevoss twins in The Social Network, Taylor is Chuy from Chelsea Lately, and Mrs. Jones is Helen Mirren.

Also, I know this series started as Twilight fan fiction, which is probably why Anastasia is so damn irritating, but I have to say, it also bugs me that she gave Christian the last name Grey, like Mr. Grey from on of my favorite movies ever, Secretary, which features a spanky/submissive plot line similar to this. So,is there nothing original about this series?

It makes me want to write a book about adults who are selected by lottery to go into this giant arena and kill eachother, but also have lots of sex. I think I’m going to name the main characters Juno Macguff and Ron Burgundy.

On to book 3.

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This contains spoilers, if you haven’t read the books don’t read this.

And don’t be all, I’ll read it anyways because I have no intention of reading the stupid books, because you’re a liar and you will.  Eventually.

So, soooo, many of you have recommended I read the Fifty Shades of Grey Trilogy by E.L. James, and I have promptly ignored you, because who has time to read? I’m a mom, I have three kids and dinner to put on the table OMG DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW BUSY I AM WITH MY DVR RIGHT NOW!?

But, with my recent travel obligations and desire to forget the fact that I’m in an airplane, suddenly a steamy trilogy didn’t seem so bad.

I read book one in about 24 hours. Despite the fact that it is, to date, one of the more poorly written and edited books I have ever read, in fact, I feel dirty even having paid money for it.

Also it’s lady porn.

No exaggeration.

I read lady porn at gate G6 at the Madison airport for two hours next to this guy…

Oh. My.

He was probably curing AIDS on his laptop, and I was blushy and shifting in my seat, reading about sex, in my Spanx.

In true EVERY BOOK BEING WRITTEN RIGHT NOW THAT MILEY CYRUS’ BOYFRIEND COULD POTENTIALLY STAR IN THE MOVIE VERSION OF fashion, Fifty Shades of Grey features a lovely young woman with a overly dramatic name, that goes from tolerable to face punch in about five chapters.

You know, the old awkward virgin meets poorly described hot bajillionaire with an Audi who, through a series of erotic run ins and lip biting, goes on to make a series of melodramatic and WTF!? decisions story.

Speaking of WTF, um…I’m not entirely convinced that E.L. James isn’t a pen name for a one, Jim Bob Duggar, because for 372 pages, I was shouting VAGINA, WE CALL IT A VAGINA. Not her “sex” or her “there,” the word is vagina.

I don’t love saying it out loud either, but I also don’t write porn for a living, mostly because it’d read something like “hey, let’s do that thing where my pee pee tingles.”

By the time I boarded my plane, I was completely entranced by the lewd sex acts of Anastasia Steele and Christian Grey. Often giggling for no apparent reason, and touching my wrists, disappointed they didn’t hurt from being tied together.  I would have moments of complete paranoia about the lady sitting next to me and I’d be all, I’m just a girl, sitting on an airplane, asking you to stop looking at my Kindle, because I’m totally just reading about Afghanistan, and not reading about bondage at all.

I loved the emails exchanges, hated the trite oh my’s and aloof college girl antics.  My 2 year old has an iPod and asks for her gummy vitamin everyday, how Anastasia made it to her twenties without owning or knowing how to use a laptop, or grasping the concept of taking a birth control pill everyday is beyond me.

My biggest struggle is picturing the characters, which, I assume, will be something left entirely to my imagination, because there is positively no way these books could ever be made into a movie that would at all do it justice, without being a straight up porno. Plus I heard Octavia Spencer doesn’t do BDSM.

Fifty Shades of Grey gave me what Twilight and Hunger Games didn’t. Hot sex. Not vague or obtuse vampire honeymoon sex. The dirty kind of sex real people have.

Except for the whole period thing.  Nobody’s that excited about period sex.

On to book 2.

Want to talk more trashy books? Find my Hunger Games reviews here!

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‘Tis Spring.

Today I fly out of town for something amazing. I will say more shortly, but I think my life just changed.

Until then.

I realized my gigantic dog counter balances the hideous furniture Andy ordered when I was drunk. (OMG remember that!?)

Then I decided to replace airplanes with Andre the Giant. I haven’t worked out the whole “he’s dead” thing yet.

I also gave you another super easy low carb recipe that you will eat in one sitting, swear to God.

Don’t forget to do two things:

1. Order one of my Vagina T-shirts. (BECAUSE I MEAN REALLY, OMG HOW DOES THIS HAPPEN IN MODERN DAY SOCIETY!?)

2. Enter to win one of five $100 gift certificates on CGG!

To keep up with everything I love, I suggest joining me on Pinterest, Facebook, Twitter, and follow me throughout the day on Instagram @BrittanyHerself!

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I love P.F. Changs.

I try to keep things local and independent, and I do the majority of my Chinese consumption from a local restaurant, but there is something about P.F. Chang’s fried green beans and Chang’s Spicy Chicken that does me in every time.

P.F. Changs is not, however, carb friendly, as most meats are coated in corn starch, which, if you ever make Chinese food at home, is a must do because it makes meat delicious, however, not doable for the whole low carb thing.

They do have one item, however, that is totally low carb, amazing, and also, not on the menu. You have to ask for it specifically, and I am forever grateful to one of my best friends, Heather, for introducing them to me, and then letting me eat them all off her plate.

Shanghai Cucumbers are crazy addicting, and as it turns out, stupid easy to make at home, thank God, because I could eat them by the pound. Seriously, this is one of my favorite low carb snacks, plus they are awesome for lunch or as a side.

Now, P.F. Changs serves a gluten-free version of these, this recipe is not gluten free, but could easily be by using gluten free soy sauce.

Tip: these are best served cold, so if you are making them to devour right away, keep your cucumber in the fridge. Or make them ahead of time and let the sauce soak in, they just get better with time!

What you’ll need:

1 Large English Cucumber
3 tbsp Soy Sauce
1 tsp Rice Wine Vinegar (White or Apple Cider will work also)
1/2 tsp Sesame Oil
1/2 tsp Toasted Sesame Seeds

1. Mix the soy sauce, vinegar and sesame oil together in a bowl.

2. Slice up the cucumbers and add them to the bowl, toss to mix.

3. Sprinkle with sesame seeds before serving!

4. Eat them all.

For more low carb menu ideas, click here and here!

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Jude lost his very first tooth this morning.

He was home sick, so he worked on it for hours.

We were very excited. I mean, I wouldn’t touch it, but like, I clapped from afar.

Except now we’ve come to the realization that we have no idea what happens next.

What are teeth worth these days?

Quarters? Dollars?

Lil Wayne performances and hummers?

What do I put under that fucking pillow!?

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