I’ve basically begun using Facebook as a means to crowdsource my decision making.

Should I buy an iPad? Should I watch Downton Abbey? Does this rash look contagious?

It’s like my life has become one of the Choose Your Own Adventure books, where I get to a page, and then I’m presented with 8 billion choices on how to proceed.

It’s fantastic.

So, a big thanks to everyone who helped me decide to bleach my teeth at home. This could have easily been a disaster of epic proportions.

I decided to go with the Plus White 5 Minute Whitening System, and it was like $6 at Walmart. Which probably should have been a red flag, because what good can come from a cheap chain store alternative to a $600 dental procedure? It’s probably made from discarded fast food animal parts, LET’S PUT IT IN OUR MOUTH, OK!?

I’ve used it once a day for three days now, and I gotta tell you, I’ve totally seen a difference.

Excuse the iPhone picture, I took pictures with my real camera for a before and after when I am finished.

I don’t drink coffee or smoke, so I really didn’t have horrible stains on my teeth, just some slight discolorations from childhood, I guess.  Anyways, I can see a difference for sure, and am probably going to use it once a day for two weeks, or until I run out or get sick of drooling and dry heaving all over the bathroom counter in 5 minute increments.

Also, the box says like DO NOT SWALLOW THE BLEACH like 900 times, and I was like duh, but then I got it into my mouth, and like all I wanted to do was swallow it. It’s like reverse psychology and they want everyone to die. Like The Beatles when they backmasked Revolver to tell everyone Paul was dead.

This week, we all had a group therapy session in which we shared HORRIBLE elementary photos of ourselves and talked about why people are assholes.

Then, I gave you a photo explanation on the low carb food we are eating, spoiler alert, it’s NOT just bacon.

I also gave you a recipe for my current FAVORITE dish, that I will eat forever, low carb or not.

And if that wasn’t enough, I made us all t-shirts! So far, 27 of you have bought them since yesterday, which means 27 of us will be prettier than everyone else. And by prettier, I mean, our vaginas are telling people to go fuck themselves.

On Curvy Girl, we relaunched our magazine with a new AMAZING look! Go Check it out!

I also wrote about Jessica Simpson being naked on the cover of Elle.

And now for cool shit I found on the internet:

According to Andy, I have the worst taste in movies.  But, I grew up with my parents owning a video store, so it’s all I know. IT’S ALL I KNOW, ANDY.

When it came time to decorate my office, I knew I wanted it to be covered in fun and quirky pieces that would inspire me, and also totally reflect my personality, and I am so close to be done and I can’t wait to show it to you.

But, I bring this up because I am currently hunting down pieces from one of my favorite childhood movies, Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory.  You guys, I had such a crush growing up on Gene Wilder, and I have no idea why, perhaps because I had a crush on Gilda, or some of my first memories were watching Young Frankenstein and Haunted Honeymoon and Blazing Saddles with my dad? His comedic timing was genius.

Here are some of my favorite finds so far.


Words to live by. I’m ordering this for all my graduating cousins. Alcohol poisoning, schmelcohol poisoning.


I’m begging Andy to buy me this. He thinks it’s creepy and probably haunted like Vigo the Carpathian in Ghostbusters 2. I think Andy is an idiot.

 
Best quote.


Ok I can’t get this for my office, but I would like to wear it in real life, and on the plus side, Andy would never ever go anywhere with me again,
which means I can shop at Target in peace. I hope it comes in plus size.

Don’t forget to buy a t-shirt, guys! Let’s rock the vote, with our lady envelopes!

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