I’ve basically begun using Facebook as a means to crowdsource my decision making.
Should I buy an iPad? Should I watch Downton Abbey? Does this rash look contagious?
It’s like my life has become one of the Choose Your Own Adventure books, where I get to a page, and then I’m presented with 8 billion choices on how to proceed.
It’s fantastic.
So, a big thanks to everyone who helped me decide to bleach my teeth at home. This could have easily been a disaster of epic proportions.
I decided to go with the Plus White 5 Minute Whitening System, and it was like $6 at Walmart. Which probably should have been a red flag, because what good can come from a cheap chain store alternative to a $600 dental procedure? It’s probably made from discarded fast food animal parts, LET’S PUT IT IN OUR MOUTH, OK!?
I’ve used it once a day for three days now, and I gotta tell you, I’ve totally seen a difference.
Excuse the iPhone picture, I took pictures with my real camera for a before and after when I am finished.
I don’t drink coffee or smoke, so I really didn’t have horrible stains on my teeth, just some slight discolorations from childhood, I guess. Anyways, I can see a difference for sure, and am probably going to use it once a day for two weeks, or until I run out or get sick of drooling and dry heaving all over the bathroom counter in 5 minute increments.
Also, the box says like DO NOT SWALLOW THE BLEACH like 900 times, and I was like duh, but then I got it into my mouth, and like all I wanted to do was swallow it. It’s like reverse psychology and they want everyone to die. Like The Beatles when they backmasked Revolver to tell everyone Paul was dead.
Then, I gave you a photo explanation on the low carb food we are eating, spoiler alert, it’s NOT just bacon.
I also gave you a recipe for my current FAVORITE dish, that I will eat forever, low carb or not.
And if that wasn’t enough, I made us all t-shirts! So far, 27 of you have bought them since yesterday, which means 27 of us will be prettier than everyone else. And by prettier, I mean, our vaginas are telling people to go fuck themselves.
On Curvy Girl, we relaunched our magazine with a new AMAZING look! Go Check it out!
I also wrote about Jessica Simpson being naked on the cover of Elle.
And now for cool shit I found on the internet:
According to Andy, I have the worst taste in movies. But, I grew up with my parents owning a video store, so it’s all I know. IT’S ALL I KNOW, ANDY.
When it came time to decorate my office, I knew I wanted it to be covered in fun and quirky pieces that would inspire me, and also totally reflect my personality, and I am so close to be done and I can’t wait to show it to you.
But, I bring this up because I am currently hunting down pieces from one of my favorite childhood movies, Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory. You guys, I had such a crush growing up on Gene Wilder, and I have no idea why, perhaps because I had a crush on Gilda, or some of my first memories were watching Young Frankenstein and Haunted Honeymoon and Blazing Saddles with my dad? His comedic timing was genius.
Here are some of my favorite finds so far.
Words to live by. I’m ordering this for all my graduating cousins. Alcohol poisoning, schmelcohol poisoning.
I’m begging Andy to buy me this. He thinks it’s creepy and probably haunted like Vigo the Carpathian in Ghostbusters 2. I think Andy is an idiot.
Ok I can’t get this for my office, but I would like to wear it in real life, and on the plus side, Andy would never ever go anywhere with me again,
which means I can shop at Target in peace. I hope it comes in plus size.
Don’t forget to buy a t-shirt, guys! Let’s rock the vote, with our lady envelopes!
I cracked up the entire time I read this post lol. I love that quote too. Facebook (and twitter) make important decisions for me, and Old school Willy Wonka is clearly the best. Also that dress is awesome haha!
The desire to swallow is probably just a reflex…so are your teeth any more sensitive now?
Bracelet purchased for multiple people. Brilliant find.
The teeth whitening makes my gums hurt just thinking about it. You are super lucky to not have any reaction. I still use it though since I refuse to give up red wine or coffee. Beauty is a bitch.
okay i’ve honest to god been trying to tell my mom Paul died from the beatles and they covered the whole thing up and replaced him with that look alike. Maybe now she will believe me.
Honestly woman, get out of my head!! Okay, I have whitened my teeth on occasion too, but I’m guilty of both coffee and smoking so for me, it’s kind of a have to situation, and I TOTALLY wanted to swallow the bleach goo too. I even had a spit cup one day so I could force myself to get it out of my mouth instead of swallowing (insert dirty/hillbilly jokes here).
AND
I have always loved Gene Wilder and Gilda is my comedic HERO. My husband gave me a present of her live album a little while ago and I cried.
You are amazing.
MY HUSBAND SAYS I HAVE HORRIBLE TASTE IN MOVIES BECAUSE I GREW UP IN THE VIDEO STORE MY PARENTS OWNED!!!! Sorry for yelling . . . I swear on all things PG-13 I just audibly heard the music from Twilight Zone. I can’t get my scanner to work, or I would so upload some photos from 5th grade . . . . or the grade that I will always remember as the year I said no more than 20 words out loud (at school anyways) for an ENTIRE school year because of the “I Hate Loren Club.” Real club . . . swears . . . they had a Constitution, paid dues, signed oaths to treat me like shit, and had twice weekly meetings on the playground. I swear if I ever run into Jackie Madison . . . I don’t really know what I’d do.
I, too, grew up with a crush on Gene and have never been able to explain it!
Love, love, love the Veruca Salt dress!! I wanna wear it and pitch a big ole bitch fit!
Andy is right, that painting would scare me, too. But I think you should have it for your office if you love it! Old school Willy Wonka totally creeps me out, but I love Johnny Depp as the new one. And before you tell me I’m crazy, I realize that I’m totally in the minority on that one.
Thanks so much for the inspiration on the low-carb thing! My husband and I just started it Thursday night and we are loving it. I’ve already lost almost 5 pounds, and he is down almost 15! (Men!) We are enjoying omelettes with leftover steak, mushrooms and onions from last night right now. I haven’t had any cravings for sweets yet (my weakness), but I’m sure it’s only a matter of time before I’m crying in the corner because I want a brownie.Until then, it’s going great!
Gene Wilder gives me the willys.
I wish we had Walmart in the UK, I’d love to get my teeth whitened and still pay the rent. Your gnashers look good!
congratulations on writing my new favorite post ever. and also I will totally shop target with you dressed as violet beuregaurd.
Last year I spent $400 to have my teeth whitened at the dentist…very worth it…. BUT..I don’t want to spend it again! I have seen this very product..and will be buying it…for a spruce up. Gotta show off those pearly whites dontcha know. I love your willingness to share everything and the humor you put into it!
I still have a crush on Gene Wilder. Brilliant! You should read his book, if you haven’t. “My French Whore, A Love Story.” It’s heartfelt and beautiful, and I’ll stop gushing now.
I tried to buy a shirt, but I’m a fat girl, and need a 3x, which isn’t available. :(
Regarding the Willy Wonka stuff, when I was a mere 5 weeks pregnant I *HAD TO HAVE* this little tiny infant long sleeve shirt that said, ‘All I ask is a tall ship and a star to steer her by.’ That fucking thing cost $27 dollars and I was stupid enough to buy it. My baby is now 3 and I think she wore the damn thing twice before she grew out of it. I still have it because, you know, it was a fucking baby shirt that cost $27 DOLAARS? What the….
I love the bracelet and the dreamers quote.
All I got from this post was that you don’t drink coffee. How?
My mouth rejects it, even the smell makes me barfy. I don’t know what’s wrong with me.
Wait, you don’t drink coffee? For real? …interesting….
I tried, because it looks so fun, but like, I can’t make my mouth make it taste good.
Cauliflower casserole is our new favorite dish! thank you so much for sharing your recipes they are great. also bag o’ tilapia for the freezer dont know why i hadnt thought of that myself. thank you for opening my eyes.