I could have a brother husband right now.

Of course, we all have a Celebrity to-do list. Mine is in serious need of updating, but I’m going to hold off until I see who is cast as Christian Grey and if Mike Rowe is going to continue making those boring-ass Ford commercials.

In the mean time, I’m coming off a pretty in depth television marathon, so I’ve decided to mix it up a bit and see which fictional characters I’d most like to have sex with. I’d say date, but honestly, I’m exhausted and Andy is totally not down with plural marriage.

Believe me, I’ve tried.

But think about all the stuff a brother-husband could do that you wouldn’t have to anymore. Take out the garbage, listen to me talk about my childhood, play with my hair, let me pop the zits on his back…

I’m still working on him, here are my top contenders.


Severus Snape
My love for the bad boy of Hogwarts is well documented. I would do dirty, dirty things to any sorting hat willing to put me into his house. I could make any number of wand jokes here, but bottom line. Severus is a hottie. Always.

Michael Bluth
I feel like if I was born a boy, I’d have been born Michael Bluth. His boyish good looks and moments of pure disdain, I get that.  I just want to move into his model home and take care of him with some hot ham water and full body massages after a long day at the banana stand.

Mr. Darcy
Colin Firth is the OG Mr. Darcy, and in my opinion, the absolutely only Darcy that counts. He’s brooding and hard to read, which is basically foreplay for my brain. Plus, I’d like to just sit around in my underthings watching him post atop a horse for a couple hours.

Rob Petrie
Confession: I still watch the Dick Van Dyke show. And growing up, I always imagined my marriage would be exactly like Rob and Laura’s; hilarious and in which I would be the smart one. Rob was sexy and funny and made klutzy look hot way before Jack Tripper started falling through doorways.

Peter Venkman
It’s hard for me to pick my favorite Bill Murray character, because I love all the characters… except Garfield. So, I decided to pick one of the early ones that solidified my general attraction to this man. I’ve been having fantasies about Dr. Venkman and his proton pack since the 80’s. He was clearly the hottest Ghostbuster, and I’d really like to slime him. Okay, I said that joke out loud to Andy just now and he’s shaking his head, I however, find it to be hilarious.

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  1. Big Girl says

    I have a man-crush on Jason Bateman. If I was a guy, he is exactly who I’d want to be. He is hot, funny, and only a little smarmy. The perfect combination.

  2. Rebecca says

    Awww shit- let’s see, the fictional characters who would get my panties off the fastest:

    -Mitch Planko Jr. (Ryan Reynolds, The Change Up- if I’m in a fuck-me-hard-douchebag mode)
    -Dave Lockwood (Jason Batemen- also, The Change Up- realizes he’s fucked up and fixes it? Win. Bonus points for being hot.)
    -Matt Sullivan (Josh Hartnett- 40 days, 40 nights. ME. OW.)
    -PFC Anthony Swofford (Jar Head- Jake Gyllenhaal. The sand in my crack wouldn’t even bother me.)
    -Jayne Cobb (Adam Baldwin, Firefly/Serenity – gruff, hard to figure out, but good with his ‘gun’? *fans self*)

    For girl crushes- I’d totally have to go with Joan from Mad Men- something about the catty bitchiness is a turn on because you know she’d be good in bed, and Christina Hendricks is just ge-orgious!

  3. Kristy says

    My 5 fictional characters

    1. Samwise Gamgee- don’t judge me!
    2. Spike
    3. Dylan Walsh
    4. Jason Statham’s character in Transporter (or any other character of his for that matter!)
    5. Vin Diesel as his character from the Pacifier.

    • Kim says

      I tell my kids every TIME we watch the LOTR movies….. SAM is the real hero. I do not get why Frodo is such a big deal. SAM is the rock in the movies. Ummm, I agree. Sean Austin for the win.

  4. says

    Mr. Darcy is the end all be all of fictional crushes. He set the standard. And Colin Firth in that scene where he comes out of the pond in the wet blouse…I had to rewind several times. *Fans self*

  5. says

    Do you know what I adore most about this list?
    Most people would have said Alan Rickman, Jason Bateman, Colin Firth, etc. You…you listed them as characters…and that’s how I know we were separated at birth.

    What? It’s science.

  6. says

    Oh the things I would do to Michael Bluth.
    Bill Murray was almost my dad. Well, if my mom would have gone on more than just few dates with him in college. That’s my claim to fame. Of course I skipped my 10 year college reunion this summer from their same alma mater…just in time to find out that Bill came to celebrate with us. I’m still kicking myself for not going, even if I had no friends in college.

  7. says


    – Phil Dunphy, because I know I wouldn’t be the only awkward one in that situation.
    – Chuck Bartowski, because…just…ohhhhh I would let Zachary Levi do anything to me. ANYTHING.
    – Nick, from the show “New Girl,” because he’s that guy-bff, scruffy/awkward/hilarious kind of sexy that’s just irresistible
    AND…don’t judge
    – Dexter. I can’t even put my finger on it, but I want him so bad. Between my thighs. All night long.

  8. Heather says

    Not to bring down you’re totally respectable list or anything…but…Dylan McKay. All day. Every day.

  9. Vera says

    Might I also add Christian Bale as Laurie? I mean, sure, he seems like an a-hole in real life, but as long as he kept his mouth shut I could care less….

      • Johanna says

        Ok, I totally get the impression that Christian Bale is a total a-hole, but you gotta admit it was pretty frickin cool of him to fly to Aurora to visit survivors of the shooting. From what I have read, he did this completely of his own accord. That is pretty un-douchebaggy.

        • Vera says

          TOTALLY un-douchebaggy. Absolutely. I think what sticks with me though is that outtake tape from one of his movies where he freaks out on the lighting/sound guy? for disturbing him. We all have bad days–I just hope he apologized!

  10. says

    Am I dreaming or have I previously confirmed my love for Jason Bateman. Like since I was twelve. Possibly younger. I’m too old to remember. Just in case I forgot to mention it (doubtful), I LOVE LOVE LOVE Jason Bateman. I love the roles that he plays with understated humor and goofiness. Totally sexy.

  11. Anna says

    Yes to Jason Bateman and Ryan Reynolds as any character! We watched Blade: Trinity last night and I just basically wanted to lick RR the whole time. And while I definitely love Colin Firth as Mr. Darcy, his character from Love Actually might be my favorite. When he’s proposing in broken Portugese…be still my beating clitoris! Love that you mentioned Rob Petrie, too. I used to love to watch that show. I had a friend in high school who reminded me very much of him, and if there ever was a one who got away, he was it.
    Speaking of Alan Rickman, he’s in my city right now filming the BCBG movie! I haven’t seen him yet, but my cousin posted on Facebook the other day that she had just refilled Professor Snape’s water glass. So cool!

  12. says

    I have watched Becoming Jane way too many times to count because I can’t get over how freakin’ hot James McAvoy is as Tom Lefroy. She was an idiot not to run away with him and kiss those delicious lips for the rest of her life. And, you know, other stuff. Stuff I would gladly do with his hot ass (as in body, not as in his actual ass, that’s not really my thing, to do stuff to guys’ asses).

  13. Stephanie says

    Han Solo – Star Wars IV OR Indiana Jones – Temple of Doom (Harrison Ford – the early years)
    Bruce Lee – Dragon: The Bruce Lee Story (Jason Scott Lee – I wanted to lick every inch of this man.)
    Richard Collier – Somewhere in Time (Christopher Reeve – I so miss him.)
    Paul Maclean – A River Runs Through It (Brad Pitt – the early years)
    Jason Bourne – ANY of the Bourne movies – including the newest one (so I get a 2 for 1!!!!) (Matt Damon or Jeremy Renner *drool*)

  14. WireGryphon says

    Aragorn from the Lord of the Rings. (Books or movies.)
    Pretty much any early Harrison Ford character. (But especially Indiana Jones.)
    The Tom Hanks character from Splash. Or Joe vs. the Volcano. Or any early Tom Hanks, really.
    The 10th Doctor from Doctor Who. Swoon!

  15. says

    Patrick Dempsey- from Can’t Buy Me Love not so much McDreamy but he’d do as the second in a Dempsey sandwich with me as the filling
    James Spader- from Secretary
    I too would jump Rob Petrie but would strangely enough also do Gomer Pyle and Fred Gwynne in full Herman Munster regalia.
    Collin Farrell- from the porno where he just keeps telling that chick how “fucking beautiful” she is
    Hugh Jackman- like in The Prestige cause that could make it a gang bang :p
    Robert Downey Jr.- Julian in Less Than Zero love sad boys

    This is the full list from my Lust board at Pinterest http://pinterest.com/mrsdennis/lust/

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