The Dirty Little Gift Guide

Gird your loins, because this gift guide isn’t for the faint of heart. It’s for the horny.

Ok not horny, because dude, who has the energy for that? But, on the rare occasion you have the house to yourself, or a room, or a crawl space, whatever, I have the perfect gift for you, your wife or your girlfriend.

Just not, like, your mother-in-law, or really anyone else you’d like to not picture having intercourse.

1. Can you say stocking stuffer? I don’t leave home without mine, true story. The Discreet Lipstick Vibrator, $27.95

2. The remote controlled vibrator, ultra quiet so it’s perfect for public places. Honestly, it’s the only reason I agreed to sit through Skyfall. Love Rider Wild Butterfly, $27.29

3. Alice Clayton’s 3rd book has once again left me laughing and craving some wall banging time of my own. Wallbanger, $4.99

4. Yeah, those balls. Smartballs, $20.99

5. Hot bras for big girls? Yes please! I’m a 36DD and tired of shopping for bras in the Janet Reno section. Reversible Plunge Bra, $40.50

6. From the bedroom of erotic humorist, Alice Clayton, comes this recommendation. “Ever date a guy with a piercing…ahem.” Tongue Tied, $149

7. Another Alice seal of approval, “she’ll love it because it basically tuns him into one giant vibrator!” Jelly C-Ring, $34

8. I’m a bit of a vibe snob. For me, it’s all about the power. It’s not the quietest vibrator on the block, but it packs quite a punch. My first one lasted a year, when it died, I had a private memorial and ordered another the same day! G Twister, $47.99

9. I said it before, and I’ll say it again. This stuff is like red bull for your vagina! KY Intense, $25.18

10. This comes highly recommended by funny girl and fellow Curvy Girl, Angie Lynch, who knows a thing or two or about making sex awesome. LAYAspot, $34.99

11. If you happen to live near a Babeland location, I highly recommend some of their many classes, from Sexy Couples Nights to Blow Job How-Tos. It’s the gift everyone can benefit from!

12. This comes from my bestie, Meredith. Usually, the thought of robots taking over the world freaks me out, but the chance to synch my vibrator so that it buzzes to the beat of my Tears for Fears Sex playlist is something I refuse to pass up. Ohmibod, $99

13. Hey, everyone needs help sometimes. I mean, vaginas can be confusing, throw him a bone with this sexy lady how-to eBook! She Comes First: The Thinking Man’s Guide to Pleasuring a Woman, $9.78

What are you asking Dirty Santa for this year?

 

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  1. kelly says

    Thank you! I hadn’t realized Wallbanger was out!
    Aaaannnnnddd now I’m reading it at work. Am I going to have to leave early? Will I be noticeably turned on?
    …….Eh, I don’t care.

  2. Big Girl says

    Does #1 travel on airplanes well? I’ve been looking for something I can put in my suitcase without being terrified of discovery.

    • says

      Make sure you never have a new “toy” in it’s box in your suitcase. There have been many thefts from TSA on those things. So said the lady at the store in Seattle when I as traveling back to Madison. She said “Make it look used even if it’s not.” Might be TMI but then again we are on Brittany’s page.

  3. says

    I’m sending this link to my husband. I got some free toys at the last blog her conference, but they are running out of steam…not to mention the TV remote regularly gets the batteries stolen from it.

  4. Kelsey says

    Whoa, wait. Have you used number 12? I have something very similar in shape and design – does not link to my ipod though. It sucks! Your going along having fun, and then what the? You moved your finger over the top and changed the setting, and it’s not like you can switch it back very quickly. By the time you’ve done anything the mood is over.

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