Gird your loins, because this gift guide isn’t for the faint of heart. It’s for the horny.
Ok not horny, because dude, who has the energy for that? But, on the rare occasion you have the house to yourself, or a room, or a crawl space, whatever, I have the perfect gift for you, your wife or your girlfriend.
Just not, like, your mother-in-law, or really anyone else you’d like to not picture having intercourse.
1. Can you say stocking stuffer? I don’t leave home without mine, true story. The Discreet Lipstick Vibrator, $27.95
2. The remote controlled vibrator, ultra quiet so it’s perfect for public places. Honestly, it’s the only reason I agreed to sit through Skyfall. Love Rider Wild Butterfly, $27.29
3. Alice Clayton’s 3rd book has once again left me laughing and craving some wall banging time of my own. Wallbanger, $4.99
5. Hot bras for big girls? Yes please! I’m a 36DD and tired of shopping for bras in the Janet Reno section. Reversible Plunge Bra, $40.50
7. Another Alice seal of approval, “she’ll love it because it basically tuns him into one giant vibrator!” Jelly C-Ring, $34
8. I’m a bit of a vibe snob. For me, it’s all about the power. It’s not the quietest vibrator on the block, but it packs quite a punch. My first one lasted a year, when it died, I had a private memorial and ordered another the same day! G Twister, $47.99
11. If you happen to live near a Babeland location, I highly recommend some of their many classes, from Sexy Couples Nights to Blow Job How-Tos. It’s the gift everyone can benefit from!
12. This comes from my bestie, Meredith. Usually, the thought of robots taking over the world freaks me out, but the chance to synch my vibrator so that it buzzes to the beat of my Tears for Fears Sex playlist is something I refuse to pass up. Ohmibod, $99
13. Hey, everyone needs help sometimes. I mean, vaginas can be confusing, throw him a bone with this sexy lady how-to eBook! She Comes First: The Thinking Man’s Guide to Pleasuring a Woman, $9.78
What are you asking Dirty Santa for this year?