I should preface this with a couple things.
1. I read all the books…probably more than once. Probably later making Andy role play with me in the woods behind our house.
2. Every month, my three best girls (Meredith, Heather, Sara) and I head out sans kids, husbands and sweatpants to dinner and a movie, wherein in we get ridiculously tipsy and end up walking into the cinema ready to either interact with the screen like Rocky Horror Picture Show (fyi, super awkward during The Help) or fight someone who is annoying us, mostly mouthy teenagers or old women who don’t like my singing voice.
So we went to Breaking Dawn, opening night.
Because I’m the only one who cares about a theme, I suggested we all dress up as characters from the movie. None of them did, and when I walked in they were like, Oh my God we are so happy you didn’t dress up that would be so embarrassing, and then I was all…
I have honestly never seen three grown women in push up bras so not excited. Whatever. On to Breaking Dawn.
So, as you can imagine, I was super excited for this movie. If you have read the books at all, you know this the point in the series where Edward and Bella finally bone and then produce a vampire human hybrid baby that eats herself out of Bella’s uterus.
It had all the makings for an Oscar.
And while I loved the movie, mostly because I love the saga and seeing it come to life is fun, I had some complaints.
First, a new director. Ok Bill Condon is a great director. But the problem with switching directors every film is that it can feel inconsistent. Truthfully, I never really noticed the change until Breaking Dawn. This was the first of the films that felt different.
Twilight, New Moon and Eclipse were totally stand alone movies. Meaning, if you had never read the books, or even seen the previous movies, you could probably understand what the fuck is going on.
Not the case with Breaking Dawn. There was absolutely no sense of back story, and they even took the liberty of adding in ridiculous scenes that weren’t in the book. If this was your first experience with Twilight, I’d imagine it would be like going to see Inception after you just woke up from a 20 year coma.
THIS MAKES ABSOLUTELY NO SENSE OMG ARE THOSE WEREWOLVES?
Which brings me to the werewolves. So, I am just going to assume Summit blew their budget editing Bella’s head onto Tom Hank’s body from Philadelphia, because the fuck? I don’t know, was the wolf from Neverending Story not available, because I totally remember thinking that was real and not sleeping for a week.
The part where they all meet in some logging area, and like, talk with their minds, all growly…it was comical. Also disappointing. I mean, I don’t even like Jacob and I felt bad he had to spend half the movie as a muppet.
On the plus side, Chief Swan keeps getting more hilarious, Jasper’s hair looked way less Trump-ish, Edward was hot naked (could have done without the back moles though, are vampires even allowed to have back moles!?), and Bella’s pregnancy was just as unsettling as I’d imagined. So much so, I spent many moments toward the end with my face covered.
I am still super anxious to see Part 2, though I am already mourning all the amazing material I know will be cut.
Here’s hoping it surprises me and brings closure, because right now all I want is a do-over.