I love bloggers and social media folk who aren’t on twitter.

It’s like if Kanye was all, Imma release my new album…on those teeny tiny Pocket Rocker tapes.

Which, honestly, is just the kind of thing Kanye would do, thank God I saved mine.

So you don’t get twitter?  Awesome.  Neither does my grandpa.

But, he also isn’t a blogger, social media professional, or really, any other person who has any desire to function in modern day society.

Twitter has been front and center for most of the largest global events in modern day history.

The earthquake and tsunami in Japan.

The Egyptian uprising.

The Hudson River plane crash.

Osama bin Laden’s death.

Hugh Hefner being left at the alter.

The break-up announcement of whoever Taylor Swift dates next.

Twitter is how people are communicating and businesses are thriving.  You should be on it.

Unless you are my grandpa…who thinks the internet – like global warming, homosexuals and centaurs – is a myth.

TAKE THAT HUNGRY POLAR BEARS.

Signing up for twitter is easy, just click here and make an account.

I suggest you do it now to ensure the closest variation of your name is still available on account of the fact that EVERYONE GOT THE INTERNET BEFORE YOU, FRANCIS.

Now, on to what this post is really about, Tweetdeck.

Tip:  Don’t argue with me about twitter clients.  I tried Hootsuite.  It’s dumb.

Sure, you can have sex with a well endowed midget with anhidrosis in the middle of a desert, but wouldn’t it be easier if you used some lube?

That’s what Tweetdeck is.  It’s lube for twitter.

And everything is easier with lube.

This is what running twitter through your browse looks like, and if you insist on doing it this way, that’s fine, I never ever mock anyone out loud.

It’s pretty self explanatory, but if you have questions, click here for a great tutorial.

Now, this is what twitter looks like using Tweetdeck.

Basic Tweetdeck

I know, I just came also.  We’ll always have this moment together, you know.

Now, let’s go over some basic Tweetdeck pros:

  • It’s free!
  • Makes running multiple twitter accounts crazy easy
  • Also allows you to add your Facebook, LinkedIn and Foursquare accounts
  • Let’s you make columns to group your followers
  • It automatically shortens the urls you tweet
  • It allows you to schedule your tweets ahead of time

First, click here to download Tweetdeck to your computer.

Tip:  You can also download the app for your smart phone, which syncs with your desktop account, making your life way easier.

Install Tweetdeck and make your account, add your twitter account.

Next let’s break down the basics of what we are looking at here.

Click to enlarge.

As you can see, there’s a lot going on here, but I’m just going to walk you through the basics, you will realize it’s a breeze, and you’ll never be able to use regular twitter without rolling your eyes again.

Tip: Just move your mouse over the buttons to find out what they do!

1. Compose Update: You click that. To compose an update.

2. Add a Column: Want to follow a particular Hash tag or group of people?  Awesome, just click this and input what new column you want. 

Tip:  For example, I have a column to track the mentions of all of my accounts linked to Tweetdeck, and I also have a column labeled “Besties,” where I grouped all the people on twitter I interact with the most. It lets me more easily follow them and not get lost in the sea of my main twitter stream.

Tip: When it comes to adding columns, the Core tab deals with the usual suspects like Mentions, Direct Messages, Favorites, etc.

3. Quick Profile: Click this to type in someone’s twitter handle and look up their profile.

4. Refresh: Refreshes all your columns, I KNOW THIS IS INSANE.

5. Settings: This pulls up all the important tabs to customize your Tweetdeck experience. (Notifications, themes and colors, adding and removing accounts, etc.)

Click to enlarge and check out my settings!

I encourage you to go through all the tabs and customize all your options. You really can’t mess anything up here.  Promise.

Tabs of note:

Click to enlarge and check out my settings!

The Notifications tab controls all the annoying little pop up alerts and noises.  Nip that shit in the bud. (Detail OFF, Summary OFF, Notification Sound 0%)

Click to enlarge and check out my settings!

The Accounts tab lets you easily add as many twitter accounts as you want.

Tip:  I run my Barefoot Foodie (set as my default account, since that’s what I tweet from the most), Curvy Girl Guide and Mouth Media twitter accounts all on Tweetdeck, tweeting by them is as easy as clicking the corresponding avatar on the upper left of your tweet composition box.  No more logging in and logging out and logging in again.  Put the xanax down, this shit is straight handled.

The best part about Tweetdeck is that once you grasp the basics, it’s easy to just learn as you go by clicking around and scrolling over buttons to discover all the functions.

In conclusion, here are my completely subjective tips for how to use twitter in the most beneficial and least annoying fashion.

  • Bloggers:  Tweet your posts twice a day…max. We get it, you wrote something prolific. We’re really proud of you. I mean, I get about 70 percent of my social media traffic from Twitter, so I understand the importance of self promotion.  But aside from your shameless whore mongering, do you have anything else of value to add to the conversation?  No?  Alrighty, I am going to unfollow you, because if I wanted to have a commercial dangled in front of eyes every four seconds, I’d go down on the Shamwow guy.
  • Businesses: Same thing. You have got to interact with people on a personal, non-robot like level. Twitter gives you the chance to make a real connection with your consumer base, so don’t piss them off.
  • Stop the constant whining about businesses, hotels, airlines, NOT EVERYONE IS OUT TO GET YOU. Shit happens sometimes, but when all you do is cry foul, you lose followers and brands don’t want to take a risk working with you. I hate to go all Spider-man here, but with great power comes great responsibility…even if that great power is something you have totally concocted in your head.  I’m not sure where this sense of constant entitlement comes from (I blame the MTV), but we all took a vote and we hate you.
  • Auto-Tweet services are great, the second your post goes live, a tweet gets sent out.  Dlvr.it is a super easy service for that!  But, also consider that instead of auto-tweeting your content all Terminator like, doing it yourself, and adding a witty intro to lure people to click the link is way more effective.
  • Never Auto DM the people who follow you. There is absolutely no exception to this rule.  No matter how tempted you are to start auto dm’ing new followers all,  Wait, did we have sex in 1998?  OMG Does this baby look like you?!
  • Cryptic tweets are annoying. And the word annoying isn’t the same as the word intrigued. In case you were confused just then.
  • Share what you love. Want to build a great base of followers?  Show them that you are an interesting person to follow by tweeting articles you love, hilarious sites, and cool new finds.
  • I don’t care that you are Mayor of Arby’s.  I don’t even know who the mayor of the town I live in is. In fact, I barely vote, or leave the house.  You can select to not tweet your Foursquare check-ins, I would recommend doing that.
  • Brand yourself. If there was ever an easy way to build your brand, it’s this.  Use the same avatar consistently across all forms of social media.  Help people recognize and find you.

Twitter is a great way to interact and share information and news with millions of people around the world, and it’s an absolute must for anyone who is actively trying to monetize their brand online.

Look at Ashton Kutcher.  He was just a regular guy on twitter, and before you know it, he’s replacing movie actor Charlie Sheen on that show with the awkward chubby kid and Ducky from Pretty in Pink.

What will Al Gore think of next!?

Got tips? Share them!  Got questions?  Ask them!  Wanna follow me on twitter?  Click here!

Want to read more of my posts on how the internet works?  Click here to learn how to not fuck up Stumble Upon, and click here to learn about mainlining Pinterest.

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