The other day my friend Matt (click here to follow him on twitter) mentioned it was time for his daughter to watch The NeverEnding Story, to which I replied, NOOOOOOO!!!!! ARTAX!!!!!!!!!! in a very slow-motion and dramatic fashion.

Try and picture it.

Intense, right?

But, it got me thinking about all the movies I watched as a kid that traumatized the fuck out of me, and it made me realize two very important things.

First, in the 80’s, our parents hated us.

Second, no way I am showing this crap to my kids.  I hate sharing things, and that includes my bed or my nightmares.

The following films are totally off limits (unless I am in a medical induced coma or Sponge Bob is a repeat and I need to get some shit done around here.)  :

Return to Oz:  First of all, anything with Fairuza Balk in it, immediate red flag.  Second, a pet chicken, always bad news.  Add in a robot, a creepy pumpkin headed guy and a witch who takes her head off, and you know this shit is about to give you nightmares.

 

The NeverEnding Story: I’m sorry. I get that this is a classic.  But that giant dog looks like Leann Rimes and it freaks me out.  Plus, I had a cocker spaniel when I was little, and it’s ears smelled, and that is basically all I can think about.  You know, besides every other scary thing in this entire film.

 

The Peanut Butter Solution: Ok I am not sure anyone else has even ever seen this movie, but a babysitter made me watch it when I was little,and I spent the better part of a year fearful my hair was going to fall out, and then that year in school, a girl who’s parents bought the turkey farm near us transferred to my school and she had alopecia, and I thought it was a warning from God.

 

Labyrinth:  Was David Bowie hot in this?  Yes. Did I want the puffy princess dress Jennifer Connelly wore?  Yes.  But from the child abduction to Hoggle, I haven’t slept through a thunder storm in years.

 

The Dark  Crystal:  Really, Jim Henson?  Stick to what you know, and that is making me laugh with adorable fuzzy muppets and one-liners, not horrific skeletal bird monsters that shrivel up and die and then eat each other.

 

Howard the Duck:  You know what, mom.  Just because it has the word duck in the title, doesn’t mean it’s not animal porn.

 

Willow:  Remember when Val Kilmer wasn’t fat and bloated looking?  Me either.  Maybe it’s due to the fact that his performance in this movie was overshadowed by the weird looking midget who looks like Ron Weasley carrying a baby.

 

Flight of the Navigator:  What is with the running 80’s theme of child abduction?  No wonder people breast feed their kids until they are 8, it’s a form of security.  Kids are way harder to steal when they have a nipple in their mouth.

 

Three Men & a BabyThere’s a ghost behind the curtain! Related: you also shouldn’t see Three Men & a Little Lady, but for reasons having nothing to do with ghosts.

 

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