The other day my friend Matt (click here to follow him on twitter) mentioned it was time for his daughter to watch The NeverEnding Story, to which I replied, NOOOOOOO!!!!! ARTAX!!!!!!!!!! in a very slow-motion and dramatic fashion.
Try and picture it.
Intense, right?
But, it got me thinking about all the movies I watched as a kid that traumatized the fuck out of me, and it made me realize two very important things.
First, in the 80’s, our parents hated us.
Second, no way I am showing this crap to my kids. I hate sharing things, and that includes my bed or my nightmares.
The following films are totally off limits (unless I am in a medical induced coma or Sponge Bob is a repeat and I need to get some shit done around here.) :
Return to Oz: First of all, anything with Fairuza Balk in it, immediate red flag. Second, a pet chicken, always bad news. Add in a robot, a creepy pumpkin headed guy and a witch who takes her head off, and you know this shit is about to give you nightmares.
The NeverEnding Story: I’m sorry. I get that this is a classic. But that giant dog looks like Leann Rimes and it freaks me out. Plus, I had a cocker spaniel when I was little, and it’s ears smelled, and that is basically all I can think about. You know, besides every other scary thing in this entire film.
The Peanut Butter Solution: Ok I am not sure anyone else has even ever seen this movie, but a babysitter made me watch it when I was little,and I spent the better part of a year fearful my hair was going to fall out, and then that year in school, a girl who’s parents bought the turkey farm near us transferred to my school and she had alopecia, and I thought it was a warning from God.
Labyrinth: Was David Bowie hot in this? Yes. Did I want the puffy princess dress Jennifer Connelly wore? Yes. But from the child abduction to Hoggle, I haven’t slept through a thunder storm in years.
The Dark Crystal: Really, Jim Henson? Stick to what you know, and that is making me laugh with adorable fuzzy muppets and one-liners, not horrific skeletal bird monsters that shrivel up and die and then eat each other.
Howard the Duck: You know what, mom. Just because it has the word duck in the title, doesn’t mean it’s not animal porn.
Willow: Remember when Val Kilmer wasn’t fat and bloated looking? Me either. Maybe it’s due to the fact that his performance in this movie was overshadowed by the weird looking midget who looks like Ron Weasley carrying a baby.
Flight of the Navigator: What is with the running 80’s theme of child abduction? No wonder people breast feed their kids until they are 8, it’s a form of security. Kids are way harder to steal when they have a nipple in their mouth.
Three Men & a Baby: There’s a ghost behind the curtain! Related: you also shouldn’t see Three Men & a Little Lady, but for reasons having nothing to do with ghosts.
Girl, I am 31 years old and I STILL can’t sleep if the bedroom closet door is closed. There are Skekis in there, just waitin’ till I fall asleep so they can eat me.
I can’t sleep if the closet door is open.
You are most definitely not the only one to have seen The Peanut Butter Solution. Terrifying.
Hahaha a kids classic. Loved that movie. SO WEIRD.
we need to be best friends. ALL these movies scare the shizz out of me. i made the mistake of netflix’ing Return To OZ just a couple weeks ago. I’m still recovering from that nightmare.
one word: wheelers. ((shudder))
also, i have always been scared of Labyrinth, Dark Crystal and Willow…my husband on the other hand loves those movies and thinks i’m weird for being scared of them. i’m glad i’m not alone in my fear of creepy puppets, child abductions and little people.
OMG the giant dog DOES look like Leann Rimes! I will never look at her (or that movie) the same! What about “The Monster Squad”? That was one of those classic 80s comedy/horrors too….
I JUST rewatched The Monster Squad a few months ago. We were introducing a new generation of kids to it, and while I didn’t find it scary, even at the time, I…well…it really did not hold up well. At all. The kids were totally bored and my friends and I just wanted to laugh throughout the whole thing. “Wolfman’s got nards!”
But I recently allowed my 2 1/2 year old to watch Labyrinth. He didn’t seem to have any long term negative effects. That movie was always on rotation in college. Totally because of Bowie in tight pants. *sigh* From the first time I saw that movie, I’ve thought the Goblin King was disturbingly attractive.
my kids love labyrinth. the other ones they haven’t seen yet, heck… some of them IIII haven’t even seen. BUT… Howard the Duck? Flight of the Navigator? Some of the best movies ever!!!
btw, i think Little Monsters is missing from this list.
You’re so wrong about 3 men…so wrong.
Gremlins, ugh, but I agree, with your list whole heartedly. I don’t think any kid under 10 should see these, heck a few of these shouldn’t been seen by anyone.
OMG!!! No one ever remembers the Peanut Butter Solution when I bring it up! I was terrified of losing my hair and having it end up as paint brushes. And then my final semester of college I had major stress and got 3 golf ball sized bald spots!! Freaked the fuck out of me!
My parents took me and my sister to see Watcher in the Woods because it was Disney. We didn’t sleep for months.
Never heard of The PB Solution and could definitely pass on Return to Oz, but the rest of them? I love them all at least a little bit.
Wait. Except for Three Men and a Baby. Because, yeah, dead kid behind the curtain.
OMG that flying dog thing DOES look like Leann Rimes! I’m never going to be able to watch that movie or look at her the same AGAIN haha! Speaking of movies, what about “The Monster Squad”? That was one of those classic 80’s comedy/horror films I remember from childhood….
The Leann Rhimes one, on my word, laughing so hard!
Those movies freaked. me. out. I remember watching 3 Men and a Baby and rewinding it over and over again to see the ghost. eek!
I hadn’t seen The Dark Crystal until a few years ago when my husband convinced me that we HAD to watch it. It freaked me out. Then he suggested The Last Unicorn and our kids watched it. What in the world!?!
These movies are so scary, why were we allowed to watch them as kids?
I love about half of these. Also, what about Harry and the Hendersons? I own it. So a child of the 80’s.
OMG! I saw all of these, and they all gave me nightmares. No joke, I might now sleep with the light on tonight.
I can’t believe my parents let me see Poltergeist. Dropped off at the theater with just my friend! That movie is so scary!!
The Peanut Butter Solution. I die of fright.
Return to Oz. The mental institution at the beginning. D:
Also, The Secret of NIMH. My older brother told me Dragon the cat lived at the end of our long, dark hallway and would get me if I ventured near.
Witches – Anjelica Huston taking off her hair and her FACE. Women offering chocolate and then turning kids into mice. THE LITTLE GIRL IN THE PAINTING.
Hit the nail on the head with some of these. God, I miss the 80s.
You forgot to include Time Bandits, 1981 film that has midgets, an evil scorcerer, and all sorts of craziness going on. Such a strange and crazy movie! It ends with the parents getting blown up by a microwave…check that shit out
You should add Little Monsters.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Little_Monsters
Hi, let’s all confirm a child’s worst nightmare that some scary thing lives under her bed. Oh wait, and yes, child abduction here too. What the heck were our parents thinking?
And Legend!! Tim Curry was scary as fuck in that movie. Aaaal;kdjfa;lskd
“The People Under the Stairs,” “The Double McGuffin” with that girl from “The Facts of Life” and definitely, “Gremlins”. Those movies were all horrible and not on my list of movies to share with my kids.
“The Last Starfighter” however, was AWESOME and if I can find a copy of it, they can watch it.
OMG! I thought I was the only one freaked out by some of those!! Every once in a while a scene from one of them will pop into my head. I then shudder, and think to myself that they couldn’t have been that bad and I must be remembering them incorrectly. Thank you for confirming that I was right after all…they really were that creepy.
Oh. My. Good. God.
Do you have any idea how much I think about the Peanut Butter Solution movie?!? Like, NOBODY knows what I am talking about when I mention it. It haunted me FOREVER. As did most of the other movies you named.
Seriously, this post just like, made me feel weird inside, like you were in my head!!
Everyone always thinks I’m crazy when I tell them I hate The Neverending Story and that the flying dog thing scares me. All I hear about is how “great” and “classic” it is. Don’t care, it still creeps me out and I’m 28…
Wheelies!
I remember watching all of these. My dad even took me to the Museum to see the Jim Henson Dark Crystal exhibit. I’ve never recovered.
Steph
PS please tell me you also watched Savannah Smiles? Gah.
Steph
return is some scary shit when stoned for the first time.
and by “return” i mean “return to oz”
not making the best argument for legalizing it, am i?
It was “Little Monsters” that traumatized me! Terrifying monsters that live in a world under your bed. *shivers* I don’t care if they are your friends! Howie Mandel is one stylish germophobe monster that has no buisness taking poor Fred Savage on a drug trip under his bed!
Also those roller skate-y things in “Return to Oz” still scary as Sh@!
My kid loves all of the movies you listed and the first time I saw them (when I was her age or maybe as a grown up, ahem) they scared the living shit out of me (mostly Labyrinth and The Dark Crystal…not Three Men and a Baby.) Thinking that she had a pretty high tolerance for darkness I let her watch Gremlins. She had nightmares for weeks. You win some, you lose some.
The other movie that scared the living shit of me (the memory of it still does to this day) is the one where he is sleeping in his room and he looks over and this monster/troll thing is in his brother’s bed because it was pretending to be his brother. I could be remembering it wrong. I wish I could remember the name of it. Or actually, I don’t.
OMFG that dog seriously totally looks EXACTLY like Leann Rimes!!!!@!! holy shit!!
I agree with all of these except Dark Crystal and Flight of the Navigator. Dark Crystal was AWESOME. And Flight of the Navigator was a family favorite in our house. However, I could not walk through our dining room for years after seeing the ghost in 3 men & a baby… The dining room was our only room in the house with curtains that went to the floor.
Gremlins scared me so bad, I still can’t watch it. I was staying at my grandparents for a summer visit and wanted to see the movie, which grandma took me, but wouldn’t go see it with me. I didn’t go to sleep until 3-4 in the morning and with the light on. Just knew Spike was under the bed waiting to drag me under like that stupid lab doctor. Still shudder.
I just wet myself. The dog thing from Never Ending Story looks exactly like Leeann Rimes(sp?) except it needs to whittle itself down to 2 pounds to get a current day effect.
My cousin brought us to Howard the Duck and I was horrified. Likewise horrified at most of these movies. Except Labyrinth. Seeing David Bowie’s mooseknuckle in those grey spandex was the first time my pre-adolescent self was like “say, what’s that feeling?” and I really wanted to be Jennifer Connelly in the puffy dress and even in her rennaisance shirt and jeans ensemble. But the slimy walls and the falling into a pit of hands- those parts wigged me out a bit.
Omg, I just spit out my drink..he did have a fantastic moose knuckle, huh? Hehehe
I have to say that I am super happy to know that I am not the only one to think that David Bowie was hot in that movie.
Dance Magic, dance magic dance…hahaha
I have the Peanut Butter Solution on DVD! Let me say, it is not as intimidating at 25 yrs old as it was when I was 7!!!
OMG. These are all the same movies that freaked me out as a kid (minus 3 men and baby…I never noticed the creepy cut out). I didn’t think anyone had seen Peanut Butter Solution, in fact I was convinced I had made up the movie in my head.
All of these movies came out on HBO right about the time my parents got our first VCR. My mom taped every single one and made us all watch them on Friday nights for family time. Thanks for the weekly nightmares, mom.
The Dark Crystal. Jesus, that movie. *shudder*
Omg!!!! I had forgotten about like 90% of these, but now I have to go rewatch Willow, because I’m pretty sure that’s when I first fell in love with Val Kilmer, until he started looking like the Doughboy and I have random dreams about the little dude and the baby, but could never remember where I’d seen them. And…um….confession. the Labrynth was my FAVORITE MOVIE EVER (except for little mermaid, and beauty and the beast of course) and I totally made 2 year old son watch it a week ago when I saw it on Netflix. Either I was stupid as a child, or just plain weird, because there isn’t much about that movie that isn’t screwy, or just…wrong.
Girl, you forgot Legend!! With Tom Cruise. Freaked me out. Big, devil horn, muscle bound, thing..and the freaky fairies….
One, Willy Wonka still, to this day, scares the SHIT out of me. (Although, I thoroughly enjoy the remake). and Little Monsters w/ Howie Mandel…. Uuuggghhhh!
and Two, I had never seen The Labyrinth, or Dark Crystal before I was 27, so seeing them as an adult was quite humorous ((and do I remember, through the many names Hoggle was called in the movie, that Hogwart was one of them?? Is this where JK came up with the idea??))
Peanut Butter Solution is so freaky! My husband watched it as a child and got it from his mom as a gag gift this past Christmas, so we watched it. TERRIFYING!!
Sorry to post this a million years after the initial post, but it was too weird not too.