Years ago, I sent Andy to the store for ketchup, and he came back with that weird Heinz colored ketchup that was supposed to be fun. I smacked him on the mouth and told him to leave. Ketchup is red, and I have no idea what unnatural, car battery-like substance was used to make it purple or green, but it’s not that way in the bible, and it won’t be that way on my hamburger.

I’ve always had an aversion to foods that challenge social norms. Peanut butter and jelly in the same jar, crab in a can, seedless cucumbers….it’s all just witchcraft.

But, I have a weakness for As Seen on TV gadgets. The Magic Bullet single-handedly changed my life, and I lifted a car off a baby once wearing pajama jeans.

So when I saw Slushy Magic…

I had to have it.

Make every drink a slushy? No way. Impossible. Or is it?

$14.99 later and you are wondering, Brittany, does Slushy Magic really work?

Turns out it does. You pour whatever you want to slusherize into the cup, toss in the three magic bags of frozen ozone and polar bear blood, shake for 1-2 minutes, and BOOM. Slushy. Milk, juice, water, soda… all turned into home made little icees. 7-11 wha!?

Because I’m an envelope pusher, and frozen milk is for babies, I decided to give it the ultimate test, alcohol.

Now, with any other beverage, the shake time is easily just a minute, but since alcohol doesn’t really freeze, I decided to shake it a little extra just to be sure. I mean, it was obviously no big deal, I have Madonna arms.

Three minutes later…

Boom. Moscato slushy.

To be fair, it probably could have been shaken more to get a bit thicker and ice-like, but it was a good first try. Now you may be saying to yourself, but Brittany, why not just blend the wine with some ice, it’s way easier than shaking it? And to that I would say 1. why are you so lame, and B. this way is less watery, because it’s wine ice, not water ice. Stop making me explain Hogwarts magic to you.

 

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