You know those things you always wanted to say, but in that moment, you totally blanked, and then spent the next 48 hours cursing yourself and thinking of way wittier responses?
I think I am gonna spend the day saying all the things I should have said.
What do you wish you would have said?
Hey Soon-To-Be-Ex-Sister-in-Law:
If I could go back in time to change ONE thing it would to get my stupid brother to not knock you up. In fact, I’d kick you in your baby maker to ensure you never procreate. I’m too adult in real life to tell you what a useless skank you are but I’m getting it out here. ‘
Sincerely,
Your Ex Sister
To his EX wife…It’s been 21 years of hell that you put me through and you just will not quit. You have wrecked my car, broken my stereo, stole everything out of my car, gone on tv (subject: still having sex with my ex), impersonated me to get my phone numbers, called the hospital while I was in labor to see if I had a boy or girl – (not wanting me to give him a son) called my work, went to my parents house, you showed up for his 50th Birthday party on Saturday 10-09 with a bunch of your friends…trying to make friends with my friends and telling them that you were only there to annoy me….I FUCKING HATE YOU!! YOU DO MORE THAN ANNOY ME!! YOU ARE A MEAN AND UGLY WOMAN AND UNFORTUNATELY YOUR DAUGHTERS ARE JUST AS MEAN!! I WISH YOU WOULD GROW UP …..OR BETTER YET…. SIMPLY FAll INTO BRITTANY’S BODY POND AND NEVER COME OUT !
dear BIL;
1. I’ll be upset with my husband if I want.
2. Stop springing questions on me that I want to discuss before answering and then saying, well I kind of need to know all passive agressive when I say maybe.
3. Stop encouraging my husband to drink when he has a problem, or is in a bad mood. Drinking doesn’t solve problems, it makes them worse.
Dear internet troll bitches;
No, I’m not trying too hard to have an original name for my daughter, just because its not on the internet name list doesn’t mean that its made up. Also, I asked for your opinion on the name, that doesn’t give you the right to bash me or tell me you hope I have a boy. If you don’t like the name, fine. But guess what, its beautiful and just because you don’t have the mental compasity to pronounce it doesn’t men my child will be any less smart. beautiful or loved. so go fuck off you dumb bitches.
Dear Dad,
first off, FUCK YOU. You seriously expect me to buddy up to you or call you or be your friend after you’ve treated me like shit my entire life?! You call me a fat whore growing up and tell me to “marry rich” because I’ll never amount to anything, and then expect me to call you on your birthday or fathers day?!! YOU ARE NOT MY FATHER. you are the piece of shit excuse that I had to grow up with. No, my biological father wasnt there. Yes, you “paid my bills” but I also did all the cooking, cleaning, dishes and other chores around the house, by myself, my entire life. I paid my dues. You wonder why I’m afraid of you after 14 years of abuse. Yes I’m an adult now, and starting my own family and I’m fucking glad I moved to another state, because I don’t want you anywhere near my daughter when shes born.
Mom, you need to leave his sorry ass, he treats you like shit. You’ve become an empty shell because of him. It breaks my heart to look into your eyes and not see anything. You used to be funny, witty, kind, and beautiful. Now all you are is empty and sad all the time. Leave him, shit come stay with me if you have to! I cant stand to see you like this anymore.
To my boobs: I am deeply offfended that you are looking to move down south. I thought we had a good thing going up here in the north.
To my ass: It really hurts my feelings when I see you all puckered like that. Can you not shape up…. for me? Please?
To the skin on my face: I see you trying to follow boobs!!! I am so on to you guys! WTF is so great about living down south??… besides the amazing friends you would have down there ;)
You know what!? I am going to move down south too. Let’s all just be happy together. As we are. I love you guys.
Ok, this is not a problem I have. And let me tell you… cheesy as it sounds, “You’ve Got Mail” had it dead on… “When you say the exact thing you mean to say at the exact moment you mean to say it… remorse inevitably follows.” And it does, usually swiftly. I would rather spend the next 48-hours kicking MYSELF than have said the EXACT right thing to just, Boom! – Gouge them. It makes you feel like crap that you did that. It is not always a gift to think on your feet that quickly and be super fast with the retort. Better to kick yourself for 48 hours for not saying something than to have to kick yourself for God knows how long for saying it.
HM
Dear Ex Sister-In-Law,
You are a sick fuck. Do you know that by sleeping with a 16 year old boy you are a rapist? It makes no difference that 5 years down the line you are now married to that stupid kid. You have kids of your own; get some self respect and start being a mother, we all know you treat your kids like shit.
Dear Brother-In-Law,
I get that you are fucked up. Your wife was sleeping with a child. You found yourself divorced and a father of 2. However, that does by no means excuse your behavior. You go and marry your ex wife’s new husband’s sister? Do you even get how screwed up that is? That makes you the uncle of your own children. Thanks for making our family look like a bunch of fucking morons.
Dear Mother-In-Law,
You never liked me until your favorite daughter-in-law started sleeping with a 16 year old and divorced your son. Now you think I am super great. Fuck off, I am the same person I was 10 years ago.
Dear Brother From Another Mother,
Seriously? The rest of know that you are just after one thing. Dad’s life insurance policy. You don’t give a shit about him or the rest of us. You just showed up one day like a theif in the night. And now you’re just a hawk watching your prey. And it makes me sick.
If you really cared about family, don’t you think you would have taken the time out of your life to come to MY wedding? Your ONLY sister? The rest of my brothers were there, you know, the ones that are ACTUALLY MY FAMILY. It’s not like you had to work. You were on military leave the week of my wedding. But I understand, sometimes people need to relax and can’t be bothered to show up. Do you even know the names of my children or my husband?
One last thing, you’re a terrible parent. Your teenage daughter is raising your sons. And that’s just not right. Did you ever change even one of their diapers? Or was that just reserved for your slave of a daughter? How many times has she seen you drunk? Do you really think you’re setting an awesome example? And you wonder the boys can’t pass Kindergarten?
Get a fucking life and get out of ours.
Sincerely,
Your Half Sister
Scene: At my parents house for my daughters 1st birthday. Many of my parent’s friends are at the house to celebrate. My daughter crawls to several of us for attention throughout the day. Primarily the men in the room, but both women and men. Now fast forward to post-party…
Mom (75 years old): “Finnley, you were such a little whore today, going to all the men in the room.”
Me: Speechless while I processed what was said.
What I wanted to say: Mom!!! Don’t you DARE call my daughter a whore! EVER! Not when she is one and not when she is 19 or 25 or 42! You would never call your other granddaughters that! What the FUCK were you thinking?! How in the fuck does “whore” come to mind when looking at my 1 year old daughter?! Christ, we don’t even have her in lipstick yet.
A few days later, I did call her on the carpet for her dumbshit comment. She apologized. Then tried to deny she ever said it.
Dear His Ex wife,
You make me physically sick. You are a materialistic, slutty, shallow, self righteous bitch. You think after 5 or more years of being a piece of shit mother, you can swoop in and act like you are now mother of the year. You think you can badmouth their dad, and ridicule and boundaries and rules we have at our house, and alienate the girls from their dad. If I were not an adult, I would sink to your level and tell the girls about you. Except I would not be telling lies. I would tell them what a whore you were (are?), sleeping with random people when you were pregnant. I would tell them how you lied to all your friends you made on Myspace and other places, and told them you were a single with only one child, instead of letting them know you were the mother of 3 children and married. I would tell them how disgusted I was that you would really only take them for visitation when there was a holiday party with her family and them promptly drop them back off. Any other time you took them was brief, and most times you did not want them at all. You only really care about what others think of you, and not about these precious girls. I would tell them how you got pregnant with their new brother because you didn’t want your rich boyfriend to leave you. I would tell them that the most important thing in life is not to buy things, despite what you believe. I would tell them that ordinarily a good mother does not want her 9 year old to be a teenager yet. A good mother does not completely ignore one child because she likes the older one better. Something is broken in you. Oh, and you look fat. I hope your new husband can see through your manipulations and leaves you and that you start doing drugs again. Then maybe the kids can actually have a chance of being away from your warped influence and becoming healthy adults.
Okay, I can’t figure out how to trackback since Blogger doesn’t support it but I wanted it known that YOU RAWK and I totally stole your idea…..but gave you full credit.
http://reganshead.blogspot.com/2010/10/delayed-satisfaction.html
To my Husband: It is not okay to promise me things (ie TIME) and not fulfill it. It’s not okay that 10 minutes before we are supposed to go somewhere or do something you say, “sorry I can’t go,” when you knew all day that you weren’t coming and just laid it on me 10 minutes before. And FYI, it’s not abnormal for me to be upset and downright angry when it happens over and over again. And you wonder why I have trust issues?
To my Husbands X: Piss off. You’ve got a beautiful daughter who you are warping. We together (my Husband and I) support that child and give her everything she needs. I (me alone) has been the one to pick out her christmas gifts, her brithday gifts and help figure out where she’s going to go to school. You are lucky she has a step mother who loves her and wants her to be a part of our lives, not an evil step mother. I LOVE that child you dumbass, and only do things to help her enhance her life. We have never said a negative word about you infront of her, nor would we ever, that’s more than I can say about you. You are never getting MY Husband back, NEVER, so holding your daughter hostage against us is not going to work. Try thinking about the best interest of your daughter instead of what you want for your own selfish fucking ways. Her father wants to be an active participant in her life, as do I. By keeping her from us, you’re screwing up your daughter and you don’t give a fuck. What’s wrong with this picture?
Thanks Brittany. I needed that.
How long have you been fucking her behind my back? *SLAP* Now I feel better about the affair I started last year (ok totally a lie, but I’d have loved to have seen his face!!).
Dear Ex Husband’s New Wife,
We are both so blind.. He is a liar and a cheater but a very convincing actor. When he was still my husband and got caught with you, I believed him that he was remorseful and that it was a mistake. He told you that it was over with me, and told me that it was over with you. Little did we both know that he was sleeping with both of us. (shudder)
The fact that when I found this out and finally was done with him for good, but that you stayed with him and married him proves that you are an idiot and that you are perfect together. If he cheats with you, it’s only a matter of time before he cheats on you. Good luck with that!
Dear Mom,
I will never forgive you for choosing the molesting douche bag over me. But I also want to thank you, because moving in with my dad was the best thing that I could have done. Oh, and f’you to for telling the entire family that I moved in with my dad because I kept trying to seduce your husband. Really – fuck you. I hate that you live with me now.
Dear friend’s new wife:
You’re what…40? You realize he just turned 21 right? I think logically you should be adopting him. It’d make more sense for your kids to call him “brother” than “dad”. And what the hell were you doing with him while your husband was on deployment? and then with BOTH of them in the same house when he was back on leave?! Why the hell would you put your kids through that?! I hope I don’t ever, EVER, meet you. Because I will slap some fucking sense into you.
Dear Mr. “boss man”:
He and I work WITH you not FOR you. We are people too, don’t treat us like we’re dogs. We are not your “help”. You need us to make your department work. Blame me because you got growled at? Grow some balls you selfish, socially awkward fuck! You’re not a manager! You’re just a child that hasn’t learned how to share! And hide behind others when someone raises there voice to you! I hope they realize how unsanitary you are working with raw and cooked meat and kick you to the curb, so then HE can rightfully be head, and I can stay there rather than transfer.
Dear Mom:
Please stop belittling my father. I know your marriage to him sucked. I know about his faults, you’ve told me all through out my life. But Please PLease, stop trying to get my brothers and i to go to him when we need money or stuff because you think he “owes” us. And please stop reminding me he never came to fight for us, any time you see us being friendly with him. I love him. He helped create me into who I am, as you did. I’d like him to be an important part of my life. It was the greatest moment ever when you told me he refused to take a blood test to ensure that I’m his daughter, that he knew I was. And I fear I ruined our relationship when i started believing you in my early teens. I regret that. I want my daddy back. And I fear he sees to much of you in me.
Dear B:
I love you, always have, always will. But after all you put me through, having you come and ask me for a relationship seems unreal, a trap. I don’t trust it. And probably wont consider it any more than you “settling” until you prove it to me.