Yesterday, Ashley wrote this on my Facebook wall…

I actually get this comment a lot in response to my post about how to open wine without a corkscrew.

And, it made me realize, Girl Scouts is doing it wrong.

I was a Daisy, Brownie and Junior, and never once have I used any of those skills they insisted I master in exchange for silly badges and polyester vests.

Helping old people?  Old people are mean and dangerous on roads.

Camping?  I have never been sober enough on a camping trip to light a fire or bear proof the food supply.

Sewing?  What do you think magical animals are for?

Growing plants…ok I used that one as a teenager.

But for the most part, Girl Scouts?  Useless.

Which is why I would like to step in to mentor the youth left behind, lacking real and basic life skills, with a little organization I plan to call, Brittany Scouts.

Instead of badges, the girls will earn Brittany Tokens, accepted at Target, any State Store and Netflix.

Skills will include:

How to sweet talk your way out of bank overdraft fees.

The quickest way to un-tag yourself from Facebook pictures from a mobile device.

Unlocking objects with the underwire from your bra.

How to get your doctor to write a note excusing you from intercourse.

How to make your jeans one size bigger using a rubber band and a fitted tank top.

Foods you should never, ever eat drunk. (I’m looking at you, Hot Pockets.)

How to channel all your shitty childhood experiences into a profitable adulthood.

Finding the right clothes for your body type, having nothing to do with Harem pants or rompers.

 

 

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