Yesterday, Ashley wrote this on my Facebook wall…
I actually get this comment a lot in response to my post about how to open wine without a corkscrew.
And, it made me realize, Girl Scouts is doing it wrong.
I was a Daisy, Brownie and Junior, and never once have I used any of those skills they insisted I master in exchange for silly badges and polyester vests.
Helping old people? Old people are mean and dangerous on roads.
Camping? I have never been sober enough on a camping trip to light a fire or bear proof the food supply.
Sewing? What do you think magical animals are for?
Growing plants…ok I used that one as a teenager.
But for the most part, Girl Scouts? Useless.
Which is why I would like to step in to mentor the youth left behind, lacking real and basic life skills, with a little organization I plan to call, Brittany Scouts.
Instead of badges, the girls will earn Brittany Tokens, accepted at Target, any State Store and Netflix.
Skills will include:
How to sweet talk your way out of bank overdraft fees.
The quickest way to un-tag yourself from Facebook pictures from a mobile device.
Unlocking objects with the underwire from your bra.
How to get your doctor to write a note excusing you from intercourse.
How to make your jeans one size bigger using a rubber band and a fitted tank top.
Foods you should never, ever eat drunk. (I’m looking at you, Hot Pockets.)
How to channel all your shitty childhood experiences into a profitable adulthood.
Finding the right clothes for your body type, having nothing to do with Harem pants or rompers.
Add in, “How to pose for a photo without showing your double chin.” Maybe I’ll teach that badge.
I need that skill!
me too!!
Do we get a pledge? I always wanted to be in a club with a pledge. “On my (dis)honor,…”
I want to be in a club with a pledge!
Please feel free to add my contribution of cheese sticks to your” not to eat when drunk” list. Frankly I’m not sure Hot Pockets should *ever* be consumed.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tw7xPaL56Ow
Dude, I’m all over this. Can we have meetings? Some of those skills I have down ( nothing ever kept me out of a bottle of wine) but I could definitely use some help with the others!
OH MY GOD I WANT TO BE A BRITTANY SCOUT.
I have never wished for a daughter more than I do right now.
I wanna be in the club!! I’ll sell the required number of sex toys, drink the kool-aid, even be *nice* to people if I have to….but I? Want IN.
I would totally rock or totally fail the Brittany Scouts. But I can only pay dues in run & left over swim diapers (child size).
*rum
Oooh, let me know where I can sign up!
Now that is some useful shit. I’m in. I can also add:
How to fake confidence you don’t actually feel.
How to make people think you’re smarter than you actually are.
I would have happily given up piano lessons fot Brittany Scouts. For regular Brownies, not so much. (brownies and piano lessons were at the same time).
Don’t forget the all important skill of lighting a cigarette with a stove burner bc there are no lighters to be found.
Without burning your eye lashes off like I did when I was 13?
The toaster heated up faster and you didn’t burn your eyelashes off. :)
awesomesauce, where do I sign up?
I’d like to earn some Brittany Tokens.
DONE. I’m in.
My brother was a boyscout for a week. and then they banned gay people. and she was like “peace bitches”. so now his boyscout folder is our menu folder
She’d be much more supportive of Brittany Scouts.
So basically, I need to apply for non-profit status and get some funding for our wine jamboree.
LOVE it :)
I am TOTALLY In! Let’s start the “potluck” list…I will bring tequila!
So what you are saying is, if I actually plan this, y’all would come?
well… the meetings would have to be in the summer, since I DO NOT TRAVEL TO OHIO IN THE WINTER anymore…but yes…I am in for the wine jamboree :)
Yes. Beyond the shadow of a doubt, yes.
I have never in my life been so excited to to join anything… Even tho I live in Ca, I would make the trip out to Ohio just to learn the ‘make your jeans a size bigger trick’ ..
I’ll bring monkey bread and lemon drops
I’ll get a doctors note and try to con my insurance to pay for the plane ticket. You tell me when and where and I’ll screw BCBS into a first class ticket. And some tranquilizers.
I am so mocking up a logo for this….
You should add Chef Boyardee to your list of things to not eat while drunk.
You HAVE to do this!!! It would completely cure the epidemic in this country of young adult women feeling isolated. We could join the Brittany Scouts!!! LOVE!!! Oh and EXCLAMATION POINT!
I wanna join! I think you would rock as a scout leader!!
I have 2 girls I need to sign up. They won’t have to sell cookies, will they?
I’m in, so long as we get to avoid those stupid polyester vests and sashes. But….I kinda still want badges. That’d be fun.
Ooooh. Can I guest lecture? We can call it Tatas or Tears: How to get out of that speeding ticket.
I’ve also found being covered in child or pet vomit to be especially effective. However, this method is not always readily accessible.
I totally want to join. I will happily bring the margarita machine along.
Oh my God, I would totally be a Brittany Scout. And I say that as a former girl scout camp counselor. Because I’m pretty sure I taught my campers zero useful things. Except maybe how to make really awesome s’mores. So, you know, if you actually need something sewn, you have a professional girl scout around.
Skittles vodka. You need to add Skittles vodka. SO.GOOD.
sign.me.up. I will be there!
How about these (some of which I admit to having actually taught my daughters)
*how to sneak new purchases into the house so your husband thinks you always owned it…
*how to innocently change the subject without arousing suspicion (see above)
*how to fashion leakproof feminine hygiene products out of toilet paper and or paper towels in an emergency
*how to go from hungover and barely conscious to fabulous in three minutes with only a breath mint, concealer, lipstick and big sunglasses
*and witty comebacks for any occasion
I would totally dig me some Brittany Scouts.
When talking to your children about BSA just refer back to this and remind them of what an awesome mom you are. I am sure you can teach them some good stuff. :]