Brittany Goes to Breaking Dawn.

by Brittany on December 2, 2011

in lowercase b, Pop Candy

I should preface this with a couple things.

1.  I read all the books…probably more than once. Probably later making Andy role play with me in the woods behind our house.

2.  Every month, my three best girls (Meredith, Heather, Sara) and I head out sans kids, husbands and sweatpants to dinner and a movie, wherein in we get ridiculously tipsy and end up walking into the cinema ready to either interact with the screen like Rocky Horror Picture Show (fyi, super awkward during The Help) or fight someone who is annoying us, mostly mouthy teenagers or old women who don’t like my singing voice.

So we went to Breaking Dawn, opening night.

Because I’m the only one who cares about a theme, I suggested we all dress up as characters from the movie.  None of them did, and when I walked in they were like, Oh my God we are so happy you didn’t dress up that would be so embarrassing, and then I was all…

BAM! Vampire Baseball shirt. Team Cullen.  WHAT NOW, BITCHES!?

I have honestly never seen three grown women in push up bras so not excited.  Whatever.  On to Breaking Dawn.

So, as you can imagine, I was super excited for this movie.  If you have read the books at all, you know this the point in the series where Edward and Bella finally bone and then produce a vampire human hybrid baby that eats herself out of Bella’s uterus.

It had all the makings for an Oscar.

And while I loved the movie, mostly because I love the saga and seeing it come to life is fun, I had some complaints.

First, a new director.  Ok Bill Condon is a great director.  But the problem with switching directors every film is that it can feel inconsistent.  Truthfully, I never really noticed the change until Breaking Dawn.  This was the first of the films that felt different.

Twilight, New Moon and Eclipse were totally stand alone movies.  Meaning, if you had never read the books, or even seen the previous movies, you could probably understand what the fuck is going on.

Not the case with Breaking Dawn.  There was absolutely no sense of back story, and they even took the liberty of adding in ridiculous scenes that weren’t in the book.  If this was your first experience with Twilight, I’d imagine it would be like going to see Inception after you just woke up from a 20 year coma.

THIS MAKES ABSOLUTELY NO SENSE OMG ARE THOSE WEREWOLVES?

Which brings me to the werewolves.  So, I am just going to assume Summit blew their budget editing Bella’s head onto Tom Hank’s body from Philadelphia, because the fuck?  I don’t know, was the wolf from Neverending Story not available, because I totally remember thinking that was real and not sleeping for a week.

The part where they all meet in some logging area, and like, talk with their minds, all growly…it was comical. Also disappointing.  I mean, I don’t even like Jacob and I felt bad he had to spend half the movie as a muppet.

On the plus side, Chief Swan keeps getting more hilarious, Jasper’s hair looked way less Trump-ish, Edward was hot naked (could have done without the back moles though, are vampires even allowed to have back moles!?), and Bella’s pregnancy was just as unsettling as I’d imagined.  So much so, I spent many moments toward the end with my face covered.

I am still super anxious to see Part 2, though I am already mourning all the amazing material I know will be cut.

Here’s hoping it surprises me and brings closure, because right now all I want is a do-over.

 

{ 65 comments… read them below or add one }

Randi December 2, 2011 at 10:31 am

My friend and I laughed hysterically at the talking wolf part. We couldn’t believe that someone actually thought this was a great film making decision.

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tanya December 2, 2011 at 10:37 am

agree whole heartedly with every word, and want to add a few of my own. WTF?!? One of the most awesome things I thought was great about the movies was how the movies were pretty much identical to the books. Totally expected the same with this one. Did not happen. Shit was missing, shit was added, shit was changed. Shit didn’t make sense. Don’t get me wrong….loved it…but it was just not the same. Am still a huge fan, but hoping the last one redeems this one.

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Brittany December 2, 2011 at 8:19 pm

All the previous movies felt pretty true to the basis of the book. Like, I knew they couldn’t include EVERYTHING but they felt…whole.

This did NOT.

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Amanda@ Tales of an Amateur Mommy December 2, 2011 at 10:37 am

I never watch movies that involve teenage love unless it was made in the 80′s, otherwise I vomit profusely from the OHHH I LOVE YOU FOREVER! crap. Spare me.

But super glad other people enjoy it. We all have to have our guilty pleasures. Mine is drinking wine and watching Hoarders.

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Brittany December 2, 2011 at 8:20 pm

Wine and hoarders? I am also on board with this.

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Beth December 2, 2011 at 10:38 am

You have a point in that this is really the first of the movies that doesn’t make any sense at all on its own. And I too was disappointed in the wolfie effects. Weren’t they prettier before? I’ll have to rewatch. I loved that Kristen Stewart was so ill that she talked a lot less (yay!), I thought Robert Pattinson was sexy as hell (even with back moles… though I may be biased by having a couple), and I liked the storyline with the wolves vs. vampires even if it was handled in a visually super crazy cheesy way. I’m just hoping the Volturi kick ass in the next one.

Also, someday I will steal your shirt from you. Just sayin’.

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Brittany December 2, 2011 at 8:22 pm

Oh I totally have back moles. I just don’t want my marble skinned vampires to have them.

Total double standard.

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Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] December 2, 2011 at 10:39 am

The quality of the telepathic wolves made me wince. I mean, yes, I know they talk magically through their brains, but the kids in high school AV Club could have done better.

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Angela December 2, 2011 at 10:45 am

My friend and I have decided that you are our Twilight soulmate!
We had the exact same thoughts about the added content and Edward not being “perfect”.
I was picturing a hybrid Autotuned Lil Jon/Christian Bale as Batman during the wolf scene; it was comical.

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Brittany December 2, 2011 at 8:25 pm

That is hilarious! Honestly, Lil Jon on all fours would have been a more realistic werewolf at this point.

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ciara December 2, 2011 at 10:50 am

i got over my twilight obsession 3 mos after reading the books (1 wk before movie came out and breaking dawn was the worst of all the books…that one took me 3 days alone to read, 2 days to read the other 3) and seeing the movie. my girls are the ones who always want to see all the movies. the older one has been kind of over it for awhile, but the younger one still wanted to see the last one cos of jacob. we decided to see this about a week ago or so, and for the entire 117 mins of the movie (with exception of jacob crying), my daughters, 14 & 12, laughed…a lot. lol they thought it was so ridiculous. i didn’t think it was as bad as i thought it would be, but it wasn’t good either. we’ll probably watch part 2, because once you start something, you gotta finish, right?

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ciara December 2, 2011 at 10:51 am

oops…i should say after reading books and twilight came out

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Sonja Foust December 2, 2011 at 10:53 am

Do you think weird vampire babies eating their way out of uteruses is, like, a metaphor for modern parenthood?

Um, maybe not.

I only read the first two books, but I liked them, and then I let my friends talk me out of reading the next ones because they are weird (the books, not the friends). But now I might have to read them anyway. Screw you, peer pressure. So there.

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Brittany December 2, 2011 at 8:27 pm

Read them. Report back.

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Mary December 2, 2011 at 11:09 am

I read all the books with my book club and have not been impressed with any of the movies. For all the money they are making, you’d think they could put some back into special effects.

When the werewolves were summoning each other from cliff and mountaintops ahigh, I told my friend “Oh dear God, they’ve completely stolen this scene from 101 Dalmations.” We had a good laugh about that, much to the chagrin of everyone sitting around us.

Reading the books makes you feel like a romantic. Watching the movies makes you feel like a high school student struggling to maintain your 2.9 GPA.

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Brittany December 2, 2011 at 8:28 pm

Exactly. The books felt all gooey and romantic, the films feel….dirty.

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Grumble Girl December 2, 2011 at 11:11 am

I’ve read these books too many times. And I *might* have seen this movie twice already. But it was on the cheap Tuesday nights, so just SHUT UP. And that talking werewolves in the logs scene had me howling with laughter. Loudly. I noticed the disconnect in the direction, too. Plus, this time the dialogue really stood out as being horrible (not that it was ever particularly good) but somehow, it read much better in the books – I cringed during the too-short sex scene. Whatever. Bring on Breaking Hymen Part II!!

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Brittany December 2, 2011 at 8:31 pm

I thought the book read well also! Like much less teen angst, which is why I was so excited for this!

THEY RUINED THE HYMEN.

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Desera December 2, 2011 at 11:21 am

TOTALLY agree! Some of my daughter’s friends (they are 14) saw the movie but obviously didn’t read the books or pay attention to the end of the movie because they told Ashton that Bella dies in the end….HA! She didn’t want to see it because of that, but now she tells me that it would be too awkward to sit through a sex scene with me….
The wolf talking part was just ridiculous…Edward is still hot…etc.
I got to meet BooBoo Stewart (Seth Clearwater) at our Spiedie Fest and Balloon Rally ….kinda embarrassing, I was the only “Twi-Mom” there….he thought it was really cool though. He was a super nice and very handsome young man. (there is a pic of it on my facebook)

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Brittany December 2, 2011 at 8:33 pm

Ok I sat next to an 8 year old who was there with her mom and I FELT her embarrassment.

I however, felt the scenes soooo weren’t raunchy enough.

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Sara December 2, 2011 at 11:25 am

ummm….what about the grolar bears? :)

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Brittany December 2, 2011 at 8:34 pm

GROLAR BEARS! Dude, nobody believes me!

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Erin @ Miss Lifesaver December 2, 2011 at 11:26 am

I loved all the books and movies (minus parts of the Twilight movie that were just too hokey for me). This movie, though, left me underwhelmed. I knew, though, that they were going to have a tough time with this part of the book because SO much of it centered around passionate sex. Obviously, they were going to have to make up for the lack of bedroom scenes if they wanted to keep the movie appropriate for their teeny bopper audience. But I agree… my friends and I kept saying, “That was NOT in the book!” The nerve!!!!

Did anyone else think that the whole movie looked too edited? From the very beginning, I would’ve sworn I was watching computer animation instead of real people.

I do have to say, though, that I think they did a fantastic job making Bella looking malnourished. I was actually uncomfortable watching her. It was perhaps the one time in my life I was grateful to have my own extra cushioning because seriously… it can’t feel good to have bones protruding from your body like that. Not that I’ll ever know.

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Brittany December 2, 2011 at 8:39 pm

I have to agree, the only part I found to be believable was malnourished Bella. In fact, on the way home I had to google to see if it was REALLY her, because it was that insanely disgusting.

Why couldn’t they have put the time and effort into the damn wolves.

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Catherine Dabels December 2, 2011 at 11:28 am

Here’s a question: when a book is 300 pages too long already and needs to be made into a two part movie, why, in the name of all that is good and holy, would anyone feel the need to ADD scenes to a move that are NOT EVEN IN THE BOOK????

I have read all the books and like I said before they were all garbage but I DO LIKE the movies. Weird, I know. But Breaking Dawn was one of the top 3 worst books I’ve ever read and as much I as I look forward to seeing the movie (haven’t seen it yet because I simply don’t care that much), the very thought of extra, not-in-the-book retardeness (scenes) is less than thrilling for me. You know?

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Nanette December 2, 2011 at 12:09 pm

How did I not realize till now that you and Sara were besties?!? My online worlds collide!

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Brittany December 2, 2011 at 8:40 pm

We both grew up in the middle of nowhere here!

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Liz December 2, 2011 at 12:14 pm

I watched it with my pregnant sister in law. It’s her first time, and because she’s having twins, she’s been told to pretty much plan for a c-section. All I could think was “holy crap, how is she sitting through this?!” Because if I was her, I would have had to wait until I wasn’t pregnant anymore. She claims to have been fine with it. I have no idea how.

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Beth December 2, 2011 at 12:20 pm

See, it actually made me feel better about my rough birthing experience. Because… y’know… it was rough and difficult and bad, but it wasn’t “eat the baby out of my stomach” bad. So there’s that.

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Brittany December 2, 2011 at 8:41 pm

True, labor hurt, but it definitely hurt less than if Andy had, say, chewed the baby out of me.

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Rachel December 2, 2011 at 1:04 pm

First of all, in point of fact Mrs. Gibbons, the baby does not chew her way out of Bella’s uterus. Edward chews her out of Bella’s uterus, which is even more disconcerting and even though they didn’t actually show Edward eating her out (okay that was juvenile of me, but still freaking hilarious!), it completely creeped me out.

Second of all, lay off my fucking back moles! I keep hoping the doctor will tell me they look suspicious so my insurance company will pay to have them removed, but no dice. So just stop looking at them already! God!!

Okay, moving on. Wolves. Agreed. I mean the wolves in the prior movies looked pretty good. What’s the deal??? And I would go so far as to say that so much was missing that even had you seen all the other movies, if you hadn’t read the books, it would’ve been a little hard to figure out what was going on at some points. The scene where Jake asserts his dominance? Oy vey.

Also, the toasts at the wedding? Really? Charlie- as always perfection. Give me more Charlie. Billy Burke is made of awesome. But drunk Renee? Please.

On the plus side. I didn’t have high expectations for this movie. Mostly because Rob Pattinson and Kristen Stewart have managed to ruin all the others for me with the unbelievably shitty acting of epic proportions. But I must say, I was really surprised that I didn’t hate them in this one. Kristen Stewart actually does okay when she’s playing half dead. And Rob does okay when he’s not doing that over the top damaged, tortured soul thing.

And of course my new favorite character – Seth. OMG I LOVE him. Not in a weird imprinting on a fetus way. But in an, oooh, I just want to hug him and squeeze him til he squeaks because he’s just so damn cute way. That kid has pluck. My favorite character is always the one who hangs around in the background, never getting the spotlight, but always doing what he thinks is right and standing up for what he believes in. He doesn’t care that the Cullens are vampires. They’re his friends. And he’s going to do right by them. <3

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Brittany December 2, 2011 at 8:44 pm

Ok fine, he ate it out of her, but I stand by the MOLES.

I have a gajillion moles, but no, he is NOT allowed. I mean, what’s next? Bacne? Hammer toe? Tail?

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Amy Lynn December 2, 2011 at 1:20 pm

Was anybody else bummed that Bella never said “Why am I covered in feathers?” I laughed so hard at that part of the book and she never said it. Plus she should have been COVERED in feathers like the book said. No in the movie she had like 3 little feathers floating around her head. LAME!

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Brittany December 2, 2011 at 8:45 pm

Yes and I was also let down by the physical marks on her body. It’s just not at all how I pictured it. They basically just gave her glorified hickies.

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Amy Lynn December 3, 2011 at 1:23 am

YES! She should have been all kinda of bruised! A couple of glorified hickies does not count!

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Laura December 3, 2011 at 8:12 am

I totally agree, but I think they were worried about dumb impressionable teenagers and abuse. Like Gaga says if it isn’t rough it isn’t fun…

Elizabeth December 4, 2011 at 4:25 pm

The part in the book where edward goes “I bit a pillow. or two,” was possibly my favorite part of the entire 5986352356 page book. AND IT WASN’T EVEN THERE IN THE MOVIE. It was all let down city after that.

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Meredith December 2, 2011 at 1:27 pm

Happy Edward/BedWard was super great! I wanted more ThrustWard…

Wolves: no, just….no!

Seth was perfect. I love his acceptance & feelings for the Cullens…and that he will do right by them ataxy cost.

Poor PFach….Scummit’s hair & make up bitches managed to make Carlisle Fucking Cullen, “Zeus’ handsomer younger brother” per book, fugly! PFach was pretty much PFucked. Sadness.

Thanks to Jessica’s wedding toast, I have been mentally referring to Edward as “The Hair.” ;)

Wedding dress & heirloom hair clip were fuckawesome! WTG, Carolina Herrara and The Gilded Lily Jewelers (shout out to Baton Rouge! YAY, Louisiana).

The Denali Sisters were not beauty personified but fucking creepy!

Skeletal Bella/Post-Delivery Bella were well-done and disturbing.

I apparently missed Edward call Bella “baby” post-delivery, so I must go back & see it again….

The imprinting scene was way better done than I could have hoped for because, really, it still weirds me out.

Wanted more Jacob-Rosalie bickering ala book.

The very end with Bella….so very good!

The Easter Egg after credits had me LOL!

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Brittany December 2, 2011 at 8:48 pm

I wanted more Rosalie and Jacob bickering also.

Damn it, I need to see this again just to re-critique it.

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mav76 December 2, 2011 at 2:22 pm

I swear they stole the wolves voices from PowerRangers. That shit was Over.The.Top stupid. And Edward chewing the clearly 14 pound baby out was gross but NOT grosser than the close-up of Kristin Stewart vomiting. That chicken looked gross while you were frying it, lady.

“You’re never gonna touch me again, are you?” WELCOME TO MARRIAGE, BELLA.

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Brittany December 2, 2011 at 8:49 pm

And I just peed my pants.

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molly December 2, 2011 at 2:26 pm

I didn’t know they switched directors!! That explains it! My husband will be so happy to read what you wrote because we LAUGHED out loud at the stupid wolves communicating telepathically! It was beyond ridiculous….

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Gaylin December 2, 2011 at 2:43 pm

Vampire books from the early 1990′s always had the baby eating its way out of mom – Twilight is a big copy-cat!

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Taterz December 2, 2011 at 4:09 pm

Ok seriously, I think I love you. I would have freaked out over a Cullen baseball shirt. In fact, I did freak out when I saw the picture. And I want to go on fun Brittany dates sans babies and men-creatures! I even live in New Jersey. I haven’t gotten to see the movie yet but I’m definitely going to and your description just makes me more excited about the sheer awesomeness.

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Brittany December 2, 2011 at 9:01 pm

You live in New Jersey?! Are you trying to woo me!?

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Taterz December 2, 2011 at 9:19 pm

Is it working?

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Heather December 2, 2011 at 4:30 pm

Oh Brittany, thank you for imprinting on me.

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Brittany December 2, 2011 at 9:02 pm

You are welcome. Don’t worry. It will all feel less weird when I am no longer a baby.

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Michelle December 2, 2011 at 5:14 pm

So I’ve read the last half of Breaking Dawn about 70 times and I foresaw some issues. The other movies I feel mostly meh about but I really liked the books. I like to pick up Breaking Dawn and read the second half like a palate cleanser between other books or if I just want to zone out. My biggest issue with the movies is that it’s NOT Winonna Rider (like from Heathers) and Johnny Depp (like in his 21 Jump Street days) playing Edward and Bella. But aside from the movies being made about 25 years too late, they broke a huge rule that is: YOU DON’T RELEASE THE SECOND HALF OF A MOVIE A YEAR AFTER THE FIRST. Thank you for letting me vent :)

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Brittany December 2, 2011 at 9:04 pm

YES. This whole splitting of books thing is RIDICULOUS. Movies can be long, ya know. HAVE THEY NEVER HAD TO WATCH LONESOME DOVE!?

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Peggy December 2, 2011 at 6:31 pm

Speaking of wolves have you seen this review on Amazon for this wolves shirt?? TFF!!
http://www.amazon.com/review/R2XKMDXZHQ26YX/ref=cm_cr_dp_perm?ie=UTF8&ASIN=B002HJ377A&nodeID=1036592&tag=&linkCode=

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Brittany December 2, 2011 at 9:04 pm

YES! God it’s fucking brilliant.

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kelly December 2, 2011 at 7:54 pm

So wrong, but in the right way: http://weheartit.com/entry/18076879/via/PaisleyBlooms

You’re welcome.

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Breckyn December 2, 2011 at 8:15 pm

There was clearly not enough shirtless Jacob in this movie. The scene with the talking wolves was very weird. I feel kind of let down as well. But I knew walking into the movie that I would absolutely HATE wherever they decided to leave off. Although the reconstruction of Bella was pretty cool, especially when they show inside of her changing and shit.

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Brittany December 2, 2011 at 9:07 pm

It’s weird that the only ting I liked the whole movie was Bella. That’s a new one.

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HinOhio December 2, 2011 at 10:05 pm

I got turned on to Twilight by my almost-adult-teenage son and young adult stepdaughter. I fell in love with the love story element right away and was able to sustain my disbelief about the rest of the sci-fi stuff, which I am normally not able to do at all. I have read all the books at least 3 times and own the movies. I saw Breaking Dawn twice, once with my teenage son and his girlfriend and once by myself.

I agree that the werewolf parts were more over the top in Breaking Dawn (perhaps even “jumped-the-shark” over the top?) but the music and the love scenes made me cry both times I saw the movie. I love the cinematography of the dark, wooded mountainous areas juxtaposed against the seaside Brazilian scenery.

These books/movies are my romantic escape but I must confess, I feel a little creepy crushing on RPattz who is not much older than my own son. In real life, I have always gone for older men. lol

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Carie December 2, 2011 at 10:19 pm

Whenever I read your blog, I say outloud to anyone within earshot: “Dude, Brittany is fucking awesome, I love her!” So finally my boyfriend asked if I was going to marry you. I think he might be onto something. We just need to put all men in a library sort of building where we can rent them out for various purposes (sex, fixing the toilet and car, cutting the grass, etc.) and then we can hang out without their bitching and whining. What do you say, will you be my buddy wife so we can just take turns changing diapers, talk about Twilight and eat Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups and shop for jeans all day? :)

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erin December 3, 2011 at 4:14 pm

ooo sister wives! Me too!! lol

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Shan December 2, 2011 at 10:32 pm

Lol..Die hard Twihard here. I’m sorry..I am a sucker for the love stories..and I LOOOOVED this one. I loved the book…and because the nailed the wedding scene…the damn soundtrack hit me in the heart hard..they had meh…oh man I could cry just thinking about it. I agree, you would have to know what is going on in the other movies/books in order to understand this movie…who cares! Loved it! I seriously almost went all tween girl and screamed in the theater..I gasped out loud many times as well as cried….It lived up to the hype for me. Cannot wait for number 2!

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erin December 3, 2011 at 4:12 pm

I feel the same…was this the directors first attempt at special effects? it looked so old school and rediculous and nea
rly ruined the movie for me….i wanted more boning, more pregnancy drama and less cartoonish werewolves….ARE YOU LISTENING BREAKING DAWN 2 EDITORS?

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Ashlee December 4, 2011 at 9:34 pm

I myself am still undecided about the movie, but my experience was ruined because A: I had to pee the whole time and every scene has some sort of water in it and B: I got molestes by a 5year old who was caressing my leg with his foot and when I said hey hun can you please STOP he turned to his brother and said she called me hun! See I get all the ladies…i felt so violated.

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Just Shireen December 5, 2011 at 3:37 am

Ah, the transformer/wolf scene. Who knew Sam was really Optimus Prime? All that was missing was an, “Autowolves, roll out!”

I loved the movies (and the books) but I agree, this one felt less connected, somehow.

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Just Shireen December 5, 2011 at 3:42 am

Also! If you haven’t seen these recaps, I highly suggest it. I feel you’d appreciate it. Her recaps of the books are hilarious, too.

http://m15m.livejournal.com/22931.html

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Becky (Princess Mikkimoto) December 5, 2011 at 9:34 am

I just saw it this weekend and LOVED it minus the bizarre throw back to He-Man or the Transformers wolf part. That was ridiculous and awful. I’m trying to erase it from my mind.

oh and cleaning lady? NOT IN THE BOOK.

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JustAMom December 5, 2011 at 10:13 am

I bet if you emailed this guy, he’d recite a list A-Z for you. He was my next door neighbor for two years – nicest guy you will ever meet and the BEST Christopher Walken impersonator ever!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vD3zpVztpOM&feature=related

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