This week, out of the blue, a series of events has led me to freaking the fuck out about Christmas.
Yep, I totally know it’s September 23rd, but according to my friend Daisy, it’s almost 90 days out, and even though 90 days is really 3 months, it sounds so much shorter when you say things using days.
Then, last night the boy next door came over selling magazines, and I thought to myself, who even buys magazines anymore? Everything is instantly available online, so when I see a magazine, the cover is old news to me.
But then, since I was already having a brain freak out about Christmas, I remembered one of my favorite parts of the holiday season was getting the Sears toy catalog in the mail, laying on the ground with my brother, and circling every toy I wanted that year.
And you know what? I never got them.
So, now I feel the need to buy all this shit for my kids to live out my own broken Christmas dreams.
My Size Barbie. Is it to much to have a doll the size of Matt Roloff to keep me company? Maybe I wouldn’t be so turned on my Peter Dinklage had my parents just fulfilled this fantasy for me.
Power Wheels. Apparently in the 80’s, these were the same price as a house, because my parents refused to buy me one, and today I can’t walk into my garage without tripped over three of them.
Easy Bake Oven. You say fire hazard, I say selfish parenting. I also don’t buy your statistics about easy bake oven owners growing up to have meth labs, mom.
Magic Nursery Doll. You find out the gender of the baby by swirling it’s outfit in a bowl of magic water. Just like in real life!
Puppy Surprise. This dog had puppies in it’s tummy, which is better than a real dog, because there was no after birth. And yet? Not under my tree.
Skip It. What the fuck, this probably wasn’t even expensive. Maybe if my parents had bought me this, I would have had the hand-eye coordination to not have fallen off the curb drunk in heels my freshman year of college, tearing my right ankle tendon and needing to use crutches the entire winter. I’m only speculating.
Puppy Surprise was the best fucking toy ever. I’m pretty sure my parents never shelled out the cash to get me one, but as I was the only granddaughter, my grandparents did. I even had a Kitty Surprise.
I also tried talking my boyfriend in letting me take back the Creepy Crawler oven thing my mom found when she was cleaning. He wouldn’t let me. What a buzzkill.
Our parents really took to heart living in the “me” decade. I wanted all that shit too. And a Snoopy Snow Cone Maker. And Connect Four. Why the hell did I not get Connect Four!!??
I LOVED my Snoopy Snow Cone Maker!!! I used to make treats for my family with it. P.S. This is me realizing I probably just rubbed it in that I had one and you didn’t. I had Connect Four, too. Now I’m totally rubbing it in.
Totally crying in the corner right now.
I don’t recall EVER getting one of those skip-it things. My brother never got one either. But yet there were always a couple in our house. Where did they come from?
The Easy Bake Oven… I wonder what will happen after they’ve completely phased out incandescent light bulbs?
I got a Skip It (pink, duh) for my golden birthday. Skip It is exercise. Even at 10, exercise wasn’t that fun. I really just used it to hit my cousins in the foot. That part was fun.
They have made a new oven!
http://www.hasbro.com/easy-bake/en_US/shop/details.cfm?guid=8A47B412-5056-900B-10D3-1C924B872020&product_id=28771&src=endeca
I have an Easy Bake oven. Want it? I am sick of making the shit. I actually hid it from my daughter.
OH my gosh, Peter Dinklage….drrreamy. I am so wrapped up in him. Ever since “The Station Agent” came out.
I got a Speak & Spell because it was “educational”. Hm, do they still have skip its? I think my daughter might like one!
Huh…I thought I was the only one in the universe with broken Christmas dream syndrome. Last year I bought my 40yr old sister an easy bake oven. She has wanted one since she was 5. They actually had a boy version about 10 years ago called the Queasy Bake Oven. For reals. I bought my son one.
My neighbor had a skip-it and I was SO JEALOUS. I am fairly confident I could pull it off today. Fairly.
I have had this discussion before too…down to the catalog! I have tried circling things in the Neiman Marcus catalog and leaving it around my mom’s house, but she is so mean.
I wanted one of those motorized cars so badly! I also wanted Cricket, the talking doll, but I got her creepy, cheaper knock-off Pamela. 20 years later and I’m still pissed.
Okay you just brought back so many awesome memories for me! I guess I was kind of lucky, since I had Puppy Surprise and Skip It. But yeah Power Wheels? Never happened. As soon as I started having kids though, my parents were all “Ohhh we need to buy them these power wheel toys, they just HAVE to have them!”
I have to have an Easy Bake Oven! Also one of those cupcake things so I can prepare to dominate Cupcake Wars.
I totally know what your’re talking about and that cracks me up!
Ohhh GOD the Skip-It! We had a really big gravel driveway and I went skipping along with my Skip-It and totally ate it in the driveway..I had huge chunks of gravel all stuck in my knees and blood running down my shins..good times!
I bet the Skip-It would be a good workout now..hm
Hahah! My friends bought me the Easy Bake Oven when I was 30!!! They thought it was a gag gift until I started crying and demanding a light bulb and that everyone get the hell out of my way. I was dating a chef at the time….so you can imagine the look of horror on his face.
“The Easy Bake oven will give you salmonella.”
WHATEVER MOM. I LIKE SALMON.
I have a My Size Barbie.
She’s called my wife.
Actually, she’s more like Barbie’s slightly quirkie, slightly nerdy, brown-haired teacher friend with OCD.
But she’s anatomically correct and I love her for it.
FREAKING HYSTERICAL!
I loved my skip-it and puppy suprise! And we had a power wheels, but it was the red jeep and I always got in trouble b/c I tried to run my lil sister over in it.
Oh lavendar lollipops but you are funny as all hell! I remember circling a million things in the Sears catalog and then ending up with underwear, socks and an occasional PJ for Christmas at the foot of my bed. I used to hate going into school after Christmas and listening to all the toys and kid stuff all my classmates received.
I blamed it all on my parents being European and not knowing any better but realistically speaking now, they didn’t want to deal with toy crap everywhere and figured TV and backyard was enough to make us happy/content. So not right! Now I’m making up for it by giving my daughter everything I didn’t get but wanted (leaving me completely penniless to boot!). I sometimes buy toys/stuff I know I’ll have fun playing with for hours while my daughter sits and whines about how much she hates that particular toy and never even asked for it. OH well!
My daughter would really benefit from having a Skip it as she is as clumsy as I am and it would be perfect for me, errr, her to play with and become more coordinated!
The only one of these I didnt have was the magic nursery. I had puppy and kitty surprise…but lost all the babies. Skip it was dangerous as hell. I remember many bruised ankles from that damn thing. I loved the my size barbie…but I was always a size or two bigger than her
–>I circled almost every toy too and got none of them. Until in second grade on Christmas morning after my older brother traumatized me by showing me the full length Thriller video, I opened a present with my first Cabbage Patch Doll. Then the world ended with my joy.
OMG I totally had the Magic Surprise baby and the Easy Bake Oven. AND I STILL have the Puppy Surprise dog. I guess my parents loved me more than yours did.
I went digging through my old closet at my parents house a while back and found my Puppy Surprise dog. And her 3 puppies in her tummy. I of course tried to make my son take it home but he refused. That spoiled ass 7 year old! He also didn’t want my tons of My Little Ponies either. I of course conned my mother into keeping all that shit and my 20+ Cabbage Patch Dolls. But I let her sell all my Barbie stuff at a garage sale. I mean those bitches had some nappy hair since I used to play with them in the bathtub. It looked like a murder scene when I was done because naked dolls would be all over the bath mat. I was so awesomely cool back then.
P.S. The Magic Surprise baby wasn’t that awesome. So don’t feel too bad.
P.P.S. I now remember that my mom would NOT buy me the Oopsie Daisy Baby doll. NOW I’m pissed! Thanks mom! And also thanks for not putting me on birth control to help my cramps. Yes it DOES help. You just thought I was a whore didn’t you mom?
I always wanted the Barbie Dream House, a Power Wheels (I shit a brick when my now 6-year-old half brother showed me his Power Wheels a couple of years ago) and an American Girl doll (Felicity). Yeah yeah I got a Bitty Baby doll and a ton of outfits for it, but it was no Felicity. (Skip It was awesome, as was the Easy Bake–for about a week until I ran out of mixes and my mom never bought me more.)
But let me tell you about The Doll House. I was desperate for a doll house. A real one. The wood kind. The three story kind with the fancy miniature furniture. My mom didn’t let us believe in Santa for her super Christian reasons, but I asked the Santa at the mall that I knew wasn’t real to get me one, anyway. Well, “Santa” brought me a cheap ass plastic one that only came up to my knee. The little plastic furniture looked like it could have been from the dollar store and you had to put little stickers on the pieces to make them look like anything–that box becomes an oven when you put the sticker on it! So for the last 15 years I’ve been all “Santa never brought me a doll house.” “Dad, you never got me the doll house I always wanted.” I thought it was just a running joke. WELL MY FRIENDS be careful what you jokingly ask for in adulthood because for my 24th birthday my dad and stepmom bought me this: http://www.amazon.com/Greenleaf-Dollhouse-Deluxe-Kit-Beacon-Hill/dp/B000U0E2PY That is a 44 pound box of wood. It lives under my bed. BUY IT from me for your daughter for Christmas! The irony of this is that I was so disappointed that I didn’t get what I actually wanted for my 24th birthday, a Clarisonic, a Patagonia jacket, a monogrammed necklace, etc.
OMG I LOVED Magic Nursery Dolls when I was a kid and no one else seems to know what they were. That’s just one more reason why you’re at the top of my list if I ever decide I need a Sister Wife.
OK. Now even I had the Skip It.
But that’s it.
Got my OWN Barbie at age 41. Figured it was about time since I gave the folks 40 years to do it and they obviously weren’t.
And I ain’t thinking about Christmas till the week before. If even then.
I never got the power wheels either, and neither did my husband. Everytime we see one we remember how tragic the whole thing was.
I had the Barbie pink Corvette car. I loved it at first, but then realized it could pretty much only fit just me and my Care Bear. I spent of lot of lonely time cruising down the sidewalk in that car.
Oh, and the Skip-it made my ankle raw I used it so much. I am pretty sure one of my ankles is still smaller than the other.
Oh god. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. Except for the skip-it. I did get one of those, for my 8th or 9th birthday. I loved that fucking thing.
You know what topped my toddler-hood wish list, though? A cozy coupe. EVERYBODY had a cozy coupe, except me. I was sadly coupe-less. I still haven’t forgiven my parents for it, and you bet your ass: when I have kids, they WILL have one. Dammit.
wait. hold the phone. PETER DINKLAGE??!?!?!
He’s HAWT! I don’t know what it is about him… but i love Brittany even more (if that’s possible) every time she mentions him.
My sister and I had the Magic Nursery dolls and she had the preggo pup, but I am still pissed beyond belief that I never got the Barbie Lamborghini Powerwheels. Still remember the theme song, “In my Barbie Lambo I’m the star of the show, go go Powerwheels, Pah, Pah, Powerwheels……adult supervision required.” I can remember standing in the old crappy Wal-Mart with the trampolines on the front of the building and my mom saying “well, I just don’t think we could pay $350 for a car that you’re almost too tall for.” Damn my long legs for yet again dashing my dreams of owning a teeny tiny sportscar. On the other hand, I was the only one on the block with a pink, strawberry shaped Strawberry Shortcake swimming pool.
If/when I ever have kids they will be getting the toys I always coveted. I will live vicariously through them. I was totally deprived in the “popular” toy department!!
At least your mom didn’t get you the Easy Bake Oven, let you bake one round of cupcakes, then return it to Toys R Us. “Kathryn that’s just dumb, why would you want to cook tiny cookies with a lighbulb, when you can use the real oven?”. 88′ was also the year I stopped believing in Santa, coincidence?…..I think not.
Second that! I had a Snoopy Snow Cone machine that was revoked… really are parents allowed to do that?!
Ahhhh! Magic Nursery dolls! That brings back fond memories of my son Joey. I wonder whatever happened to him?
OH MY GOD, I completely forgot about Puppy Surprise!! I loved mine :) My sister had the kitty surprise too.
I begged for (and never got) EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THOSE TOYS!!! It was totally selfish parenting.
Yeah, I’m a little hot for Peter Dinklage too.
JESUS H, I longed for a Skip It. I also wanted a Pogo Ball and guess who got one? My little sister. For her birthday.
POGO BALL IS WHAT YOU CALL IT!
My parents used to buy me Christmas gifts from a thrift store.. Talk about embarassing going back to school after Christmas vacation with that to deal with..
my husband had 11 brothers and sisters…he says his mom cut holes in his pockets so he would have something to play with… oh and a flannel shirt and socks for christmas. he hates christmas :)
You should thank you parents for not getting you the Skip It…totally chipped half of my front tooth off from falling on the sidewalk with that thing because I was a crazy clumsy fool as a kid (but then again, what kid isn’t?) …so your parents were saving you from pain and themselves from expensive dentist bills…just ask my parents!! As for the other toys, I so what a My Size Barbie, begged and begged….but always ended up pouting because I never got one!! Grr…the things that stick with you from childhood!
I’m still broken up about not getting a Power Wheels, ever, even though I asked about 10,000 times for probably 3 Christmases in a row. That and a Barbie Corvette.
Oh, and I’ve recently discovered (at 28) that my parents used to tell me I didn’t like certain candy so that THEY could eat it from my Trick or Treat bag. KitKats? Reese’s? Nope, you don’t like those. LIES! They’re delicious. When I brought the theory up to my mother she laughed and said it was the truth. How dare you keep candy from this chubby chick? Parents are evil. ;)
I’m 25 now and have a daughter of my own and it makes me realize how horrible my parents are. My dad fathered at least 5 other children – all aborted by different women her coerced. He told me I am sh**, I come from sh**and I will always be sh**. He left when I was 5, didn’t pay for the divorce and never paid child support. He showed up sporadically and let me live with his other family when my mothers husband went crazy. He gets so angry and I don’t know why. He hit me in the face as hard as he could with a soccer ball from 5 feet away once because he thought I tossed it to him too hard. He lit his brother on fire when they were younger, with kerosene. He slapped me when I was 9 because he thought I took too long in the shower, he didn’t even ask me he just slapped me as hard as he could. I fell. I told him it was because the water pressure was too little I couldn’t rinse my hair. He only said, ‘Oh’, and didn’t apologize. He always has treated me like dirt, refusing to hug me, putting me second to his new wife. He has two other alive children (at least) who he seems to love. He looked me directly in the eye on my 23 birthday and said ‘at this point holls, I don’t care whether you live or die’. Then he shrugged when I asked him if he loved me. He paid for 2 semesters at community college, my mother paid for zero and her husband not at all either. I paid for the rest. He says he doesn’t remember the bad things he’s said or done. He once told me to get a job to pay for school, then 3 weeks later said ‘I don’t understand why you think you have to work.” I worked full time for 5.5 years and paid for school. When I was 22 my father and his wife had each been making over $100,000 a year as computer programmers and engineers, yet he barely conceeded to contribute to my schooling. One day I refused to change my major when he told me to out of the blue. From then on he looked at me like I was dog shit on his shoe, he stopped talking to me, and starting insinuating that he didn’t care if I was dead – twice; before he said so explicitly. He has hardly called me my whole life, never made sure I had health insurance, never given me advice, never checked on my grades. I want him to know what a worthless piece of sh** he is, how I understand incontrovertibly that he is a lame excuse of a father and not really a father at all because he did not want to be. I wish I could sue him for back child support but my idiot mother ‘canceled’ the court-order for him to pay when I was 9, because she is a complete idiot; so there is no case. My mother is a disgusting idiot. She was incredibly caustic and emotionally evil as I grew up. I had to walk on egg shells around her. A question like ‘hi mom, how are you’ prompted her to say ‘god holly, will you get off my back’ in a sick, evil drawl. Two parents who hate the other parent of their child don’t really love their kid I think. She had a boyfriend that made me give him naked massages. He was naked, and at first I had underwear on. I was seven. The second or third time I was naked. I don’t know how it happened. But my mother stood there and watched. Later she sort of accused me of being like an ‘other woman’, and was angry with me. I remember it happening three times, but I was sexually abused by an older male when I was four so many of my memories of abuse after then are black and incomplete; and I feel as though this man, Larry Ybara may have done other things I don’t remember. I had to beg my mother to stop seeing him. Beg her. She was so disgusting, such an idiot she pithed and said she missed him. I was 8. I understood exactly that her behavior was wrong. She had another boyfriend who tried to abuse me named Bob Bullock but I literally escaped by running out of the darkened room. When she met her now husband, he would come over and they would make sexual inuendo right in front of me, I was 9. They would go in her room and have disgusting sex all day, for hours. I would hear things. We lived in a crack-neighborhood ghetto with homeless, insane people walking around the streets and murders happening in the apartment complex so I didn’t go outside. I turned on the tv, turned up the volume and cried, feeling sick. Again, I was nine. My mother also left so many times I don’t even know. More than once she said she was going to taco bell for me and did not come back until the next day. I remember this multiple times, including when we lived alone – so I had no telephone, no relatives, no neighbors, no one and was nine years old. She was going to stay the night with her boyfriends. At these times, as a child my fear and anxiety about where my mom was and why she had not come home made me cry until I passed out. Multiple times, I don’t know how many. She always worked a minimum-wage job, and she was always evil and caustic to me. She lacks the ability to give good life or career or education advice and instead adopted a laissez faire attitude towards my experiences and me in general. Both parents did. She used to act as if we were sisters and even at 8 years old I felt uncomfortable and grossed out by this. She basically seems to be incapable of doing anything right or being successful or responsible or trying hard or being smart, in my opinion and as such my problems with her and her lack of parenting continue to this day. When i became pregnant at 24, I told her and throughout the pregnancy and since she has given ZERO advice but instead plays on her phone, posts idiotic shit to facebook and complains with that same caustic, evil speech about her husband and her life in general. I recently asked her if she had a moral code and she replied, ‘No! I don’t!”, and laughed. The memories and my anger at my parents haunt me, maybe because I feel like they are greatly responsible (and in some cases directly responsible), for some of my academic failures. I am 25, happily married with a wonderful child but have no degree for my 6 years of school, only worked as a waitress for 5.5 years. I wished they had helped me in grade school, checked on my emotional well being, not abused me, not neglected me, not been privy to activities and people that put me in danger and left me sexually abused repeatedly, made sure I had dentist appointments, given me any career and college advice, looked into opportunities for me, and tried harder to be successful people themselves. This explanation is only some of the awfullness of my parents.