Prior to this moment, I thought the only hiking I would ever do would come after a plane crash, stranding me with a group of strangers on a deserted jungle island. I actually think about this a lot, and I have a number of concerns.
First, I wear contacts, and I would be good for maybe- maybe– three days, before they get all stingy and dry and then I’m blind. I do carry one extra pair with me when I travel, but what if I can’t access my belongings because the plane blew up or sunk into the ocean?
Then what? I need to start carrying them on my person, like a few cases stuffed in my bra or shoved in my anal cavity. Also going in there? 40 tampons or 1 menstrual cup, whatever slides in easier.
The last thing we’re going to need is to turn around and see tigers following us, and everyone looks at each other all confused, and then they see me laying against a tree all sweaty and mean, mumbling about Cheetos with blood running down my legs. I’d be a liability. And you know what happens when you’re the liability? You’re one of the first ones to get eaten. Right after the Crossfit guy.
Other than that, I’ve stopped all Brazilian waxes and am full bush, I use natural deodorant, I will eat almost anything off the ground, it’s like I’ve been training for this.
Note that nowhere in any of my scenarios did I account for the fact that A. I’ve never even flown over an ocean. Should my plane go down, I’d either die or be stranded in a Midwest corn field. And 2. I’d be a terrible hiker. I have literally no stamina.
Granted, maybe that changes when you’re put into a life or death situation with tigers, but as it stands right now, I’m a quick exploding firework with absolutely no upper body strength.
Which makes this next announcement a little fortuitous. I’m going on a four day hiking trip.
First, I blame this whole thing on my friend Jen, who is hiking the Appalachian Trail right now with her husband. She is making it look like so fun, way more fun than Reese Witherspoon did in Wild.
Every day she posts her adventures and I have so many questions, like, do you have sex in your tent?
Where do you go to the bathroom?
How much candy can you fit in your backpack?
How many bears have you seen?
Do you hear other people having sex in their tents? A
re your days just one endless game of Marry, Bang, Kill?
I mean, what do you talk to each other about all day?
Andy thinks they probably don’t talk, and just look around and soak in the glorious surroundings, which is why I don’t think I’d want to hike the Appalachian Trail with Andy.
I need someone who will spend the whole trip talking about all the people who were terrible to us in high school, be willing to retake any number of candid photos of me, and also be willing to hammer out a kick-ass a cappella version of the Spin Doctor’s Little Miss Can’t Be Wrong or Snoop’s Murder Was the Case so that we’re the most popular people at the bonfire each night.
Never mind the reality that Jen hikes 20 miles a day on an adventure that takes half of a year.
The truth is that I get so excited at the prospect of a couples trip, I violently nod my head yes before really even considering the logistics. The middle of nowhere with no responsibility, no kids, a king size bed, a hot tub and grilled meat every night? I’ll do it!
How I haven’t ended up on a couples trip to Russia, I have no idea.
I’ve been trying to train up as best I can for this trip by parking farther away from the door at Target, eating food I find in my purse, and by telling everyone I come across that I’m going hiking. They all seem pretty excited to hear me talk about it a lot, as you can imagine.
“Did you find everything okay today?” she asked as she removed the theft magnets from my new running pants.
“I did.” I nod. “Those pants are for hiking. I’m a hiker. Like, out there.”
*waves hand at the horizon out the window like Mufasa showing Simba the Prideland*
“Ugh, I’m sorry.” She sighs. “I’m new and I don’t know how to change the receipt tape, I’ll be right back.”
So yeah, I bought all new athletic clothes, which confused Andy who complained that I already have tons of sports clothes that I wear every single day. I had to explain to him that the compression leggings and tank tops that I wear to fit in on the sideline of my kid’s sporting events are not the same as the compression leggings and tank tops I need for hiking.
It’s like when I’m looking for that one pair of black leggings, and he comes in my closet all exasperated because we’re late and points to the pile of 20 other black leggings that I could wear, as if those are the same?
Narrator: They are not the same.
I needed a clean slate, not clothes that were once hopeful but then quickly jaded by my realistic activity and sloth. So, I bought a bunch from Old Navy, because they make the best high rise compression pants I’ve found. Also, they were on sale.
Okay, I have to go to Aldi to buy nuts and granola to keep in my backpack.
Follow me on Instagram, I’ll post photos and video.
I leave Friday.
Wish me luck.
Black Razor Back Tank, Old Navy, size XXL * Stripey Compression Leggings, Old Navy, size XXL * Love Wins Tank, Old Navy, size XXL * Open Front Cardigan, Old Navy, size XXL * Grey Cropped High Rise Compression Pants, Old Navy, size XL * White Tank, Old Navy, size XXL (These are $6 in store right now and I own a zillion in every color) * Glamorise Double Layer Sports Bra, Amazon (BEST sports bra ever!)