I have had this window open for over a week.
Every morning I walk into my office and click this tab to find a log in window pop up; “log in to save changes, click cancel to leave without saving.”
I log in.
I keep staring at this white screen looking for the right words to say it, or even muster up any sort of feeling about it at all.
But yeah, nothing.
I’ve gained weight* and I don’t feel good, bad or sideways about it. I just feel normal about it.
It’s been pointed out to me a few times, both in person and online, because that’s a thing real people do for some reason.
“You look different.” She said as I sat down in the booth.
“My hair is shorter, I chopped about 5 inches off!”
“You’re also thicker here.” She gestures across here chest, from upper arm to upper arm.
“Oh, ok.” I smiled and looked at the menu in front of me.
It seems there are plenty of acceptable times in life to gain weight. Like your first year of college with the “Freshman 15.”
Mine was more like the Freshman 20, fueled entirely by my discovery of Panda Express’ Orange Chicken, but then quickly devolved into the Freshman -40 as I spent my free time out of class in the gym across from my dorm and throwing up in the bathroom.
Many people gain weight their first year of marriage, soaking up calories during the honeymoon period. I did that, also, since the fear of zipping an overpriced wedding dress was off the table.
Obviously, pregnancy comes with weight gain, this is a no brainer.
But what about other life events where body changes happen, why aren’t they seen as acceptable?
I’ve gained weight because I am writing a book that makes me laugh and cry and find comfort in Thai food and frozen caramel coffees.
I gained weight because I have been sad and anxious more than I’ve felt like myself, and my body feels safer in my bed right now.
I weigh more because for the first time in a year, I’m enjoying being home with my family, and not kissing them goodbye every weekend as I run myself ragged working and being present for people who aren’t me and didn’t come out of me.
I’m heavier because I have amazing family and friends who we surround ourselves with now, watching football and eating pizza and being comfortable with them loving us.
And the most important one, I’ve gained weight because it’s actually a totally normal thing bodies do and it’s absolutely none of your fucking business.
If my weight in any way impacts how you see me as a person, a friend, a colleague or lover, then I would like to terminate that relationship immediately, because that is not the kind of bigoted prejudice I want in my life.
A television producer I was on a conference call with once asked if I was the “right kind of plus size for television.”
I told her that no, I was not.
Especially if the type of plus size person they were looking for was one looking to lose weight to gain confidence, and inspire others to do the same. But if they wanted a plus size woman who already liked herself, and who’s only goal for inspiration was to help people feel good and normal and have that same amount of pride and respect for themselves, then yes, I was their girl.
I did not get that show. But one day I will.
Because I am 251.8 lbs of the right kind of plus size.
*This is where I would assure you that despite my weight gain I’m completely healthy. I actually am not going to do that anymore because 1. it’s none of your business, and 2. it’s not a qualifier for you to respect the fact that I like myself. You just have to. Because I’m human.
Facebook Comments
You are beautiful!
I love you and what you stand for!! So envious of your confidence
Thank you for being genuine. It’s important to get the word out that people’s weight is not a topic of conversation. Please continue to be exactly how you are. No compromises for what others want you to be. Being true to yourself is the best inspiration!
This is the best thing I’ll read all day!
You are beautiful ~
perfection <3
❤️ I didn’t even notice. I think you look fabulous!
I think you are amazing.
You tell them Brittany! It’s says more about the people who say such nasty comments, don’t give them any space in your mind. You’re amazing lady and you make me laugh so ignore the nah Sayers
I loved this post whole-heartedly! You are beautiful!
Sometimes when I read your blog I think we were separated at birth, that you’re my long lost twin sister. It just happened again. You are kind and funny and honest – things I value and love to see in other women. When you get tired of hanging with people who love you at home come hang with some people who love you in Texas!
I cried reading this. I have a book signing, (romance author) in ten days. I’ve been dreading it. I’ve gained weight. Every good thing about people coming to buy my books, people telling me they love my work, or can’t wait to meet me, has been over shadowed by worrying that I’ve gained. It may be 10 pounds, not a colossol amount, but the mindset is the same, and it may as well have been 100.
This post really gave me the lift I needed. Thank you so much. Also, we are the same weight. It’s crazy how I view your body as beautiful and worthy, and my own as tragic! A few lessons to be learned. Loving your new pumpkin spice hair, it’s the business!
Love,
Michelle, in Ireland.x
It’s seriously just a number and if you feel great, that’s all that matters! My husband loves me the way I am and I’m learning to do the same.
You look great and glad you’re back!
This is the best article I’ve read all week…..
Thank you
You are truly an inspiration to us all!! Thank you for being you and being real! Miss your fashion blog posts. Looking forward to your fall fashion recommendations! 🙂
You are amazing! Also, I hope this means there might be more frequent posts? I’ve missed your blog!
Thank you for being proud of being just you. I am trying to get to that place myself and slowly but surely working my way there. You are truly an inspiration to me who has pretty much been a bigger girl since I hit puberty. Keep it up Brittany!!!
Saw this yesterday, from another kick-ass feminist, and thought of you:
http://www.thedirtynormal.com/blog/2016/08/07/bmi-mortality-weight-stigma-science-sigh/
Still looking good
Thank you. That’s all. Because if I go into why, then this post will take me too long to complete.
I cried this morning. I ran a couple miles before work, before the sun rose, before I woke my children. I showered and got ready for work, then readied them for the day, packed their lunches and checked their backpacks. I got my husband up and made sure he was OK, then I went in the car and I cried while I was driving to work because I still weigh 43 pounds more than I did when I graduated high school. What a silly thing to think of as a successful woman who is breaking glass ceilings, working full time, in graduate school full time, mothering two amazing children, coaching little league and leading girl scouts. What a silly thing to think of if I wasn’t doing anything other than just existing. Existing is enough of a reason to be OK with being alive in my current shape and form. I run every day before work because it is the only time I can clear my head and be alone, and all 203 pounds of me relishes in the experience. I cried on my way to work because being fat took up more space in my life than the rest of me combined. Your post was exactly what I needed to re calibrate the scales, and for that I thank you
I stumbled across your article on my FB as a recommended read. I just want to say Thank You! For the past year I have been apologizing and agonizing over the fact I’ve put on weight. A bunch of weight. I started working for an ambulance company and between my hours there and then heading straight to the fire department I volunteer for, I work 80+ hours a week and am exhausted. I manage to get a workout in as often as I can but it’s not enough to keep the weight off. The many hours sitting in an ambulance and grabbing food if/when I can and scarfing it down like it’s my last meal is hard on my metabolism. But, you know what? It’s all for a better end. To eventually get a job where I can help people at their weakest, scariest moments. Where I get to hold someones hand and tell them they are not alone. So thank you. Thank you for reminding me to value myself and not give two shits what others think. Thank you.
Awesome article!I am plus sized and very happy,my husband actually prefers me heavy and I believe the more I put on the more I drive him wild!Yes ladies,there are men out there who appreciate a fuller figure.
Brittany, I love you and this blog. Totally feel you and this made me smile…both wistfully when I felt the comments myself like they were directed at me cuz they have…numerous times and then cuz you rock! Keep em coming! Ps How many sleeps will it be before I am buying your ebook?
Life is everything, not merely 3 numbers on a bathroom floor. Gorgeous Is as Gorgeous Does.. Got it? Flaunt it–you’re pure-D Fabulous!
What a great post. Well Said!
I am so greatful for this post, especially this week. Thank you.
Amen girl! I am 240 lbs. and I have gained about 35 lbs. in the past couple years…I don’t feel obese but that’s what they call me…I’m actually a highly active person I just have more fluff than usual due to depression and horrible case of anxiety…I can’t seem to shake these terrified feelings and the only place I seem to feel safety is tucked deep into my blankets…it sucks because I have also lost my only 2 friends during this bout of depression…I guess you learn who really cares when you need someone to be there for YOU and gain a few more pounds to love. By the way, I don’t even know you and I am so proud of this post…defend and love yourself till the very end…much love.
Weight is just a number!
Weight doesn’t define who you are…
I am so happy that you are proud of who you are. you are a great role model for your children and for other women who are ashamed of who they are. thank you
I recently posted on my Facebook page how my worth is not measured by my weight and how yes I’ve gained weight and even though I’m not ok with it I am happy, my fiance makes me happy, I have a lot going on, full time school, full time job, I’m a mom, and that I remember how when I used to be skinny I didn’t even appreciate it because I was so unhappy, I got so many positive responses from my friends and family, but my mom sent me a text msg saying that she wasn’t going to Sugar coat it like everyone else and that she doesn’t think I look good and that because she loves me she thinks I should lose weight and be healthy. I know she means we’ll but ever since she told me this I feel so depressed and this article made me feel a little bit better
YES. YES. YES. Well said. None of us should define any of the precious time we have on Earth by how much weight we or anyone else has gained (or lost, for that matter).
Thank you for this. I’ve been struggling with the 20+ lbs I’ve put on since moving to a foreign country and starting a PhD, not because I’m unhappy with myself, but because every time I videochat with someone from “back home” or I think about going home for a vacation/holiday, I dread having to have the conversations about my weight gain.
I’m happier with myself, at 170 lbs, than I ever was at 98, or 130, or 150. I’m doing what I love, and loving every day of my life. I have a supportive supervisor, great new friends, and a boyfriend who I adore… but that voice is still there when I face my “old” life, and it’s hella judgey.
Yes. YES! Yes 🙂
Thank you for being real!! This just touched my heart today and I really needed to hear that I’m not alone in my struggle. Thank you for being so inspiring!!