Most days I walk around my house pretending to be Oprah. You know, pre-weird about bread Oprah. I’m building an empire! Give me carbs and a house in Hawaii!
But lately my internal monologue hasn’t exactly been revolutionary.
You’re tired but you’re fighting for a movement. You’re tired but you’re changing everything you can get your hands on. You’re tired but you’re living a dream. You’re tired but you’re amazing. You’re tired but the women make it worth it.
Being tired and restless is a strange thing. I want to climb into bed for a few days, but I also want to be creating and traveling and busting through shit all the time. I finished the world’s longest press tour in November, and it was shortly after that I realized.. I was bored and boring. I could barely stand myself, I was shocked anyone wanted to be around me.
This went on for weeks. I wasn’t being creative or interesting, and as a person who works in a creative field, it felt awful. I was no Oprah. I needed action, so I got out of bed and grabbed every exciting life opportunity I could handle. I idle at “busier than there are hours in the day.”
I got a new doctor and got back on my anxiety medication. A move to help me do things like leave the house and talk to people on the phone.
I signed my next book deal. Everything about this book is harder and easier. I am googling “how to write a book” less, but I’m feeling the pressure to succeed a little bit more. See above: anxiety medication.
I bought a house. I know I haven’t talked about it here yet, but I have put some photos up on Instagram. It’s a big beautiful ignored time capsule from 1993. It was on the market for a year, and we were the only people to walk through it. We’re currently living each day in a 6000 square foot home improvement project (think The Money Pit meets the house from Home Alone if they’d been empty and unlived in for a while), but we couldn’t be happier as we scrape away the red wallpaper from every room and rip the old green carpets from the floors. It’s become a game of saving our pennies up to tackle the next thing on the list, and Andy and I are both proud of the roots we’re planting.
I decided that dressing myself was fun, but dressing others was even better. Blogging, by trade, is incredibly narcissistic, as is the internet as a whole. Deal with it. It’s easiest and fairest to tell your own story and better your own life, but it can be a bit redundant. Don’t get me wrong, my ass will be all over the internet playing in cute clothes. But, it’s gotten to be more important, and a hell of a lot more fun, dressing others. Like my friends who drag me to dressing rooms with them and pay me to style them.
I reached out to companies that catered to women size 12 and up, and asked them to get involved with the project. They said yes. And, off we go.
I became a radio host. In case you are keeping track, this is my 4th full time job, and if you are like my husband or my agent Kate, you are probably wondering how on Earth I’m going to manage being able to do this. But you know what, it’s fun as hell. Being on a morning show- being funny and engaged and heard- is not only a good time, it gets me out of the house. It gives me something to write about. Life has to happen for interesting stories to unfold, and as much as I love sitting in my underwear watching dvr’ed episodes of Blackish, escaping my house for a few hours a day before the sun comes up has proven to be good for my creativity. Also, I drink coffee now. And by coffee I mean caramel frappes from McDonalds. They are basically adult milkshakes. BABY STEPS YOU GUYS.
Here’s a clip of my debut, and you can listen for free (6-10am EST) by downloading the iHeart Radio app and adding 92.5 KISSFM Toledo.
I’ve focused on self-care. I’ve unfriended people who make me cringe, angry or feel bad on Twitter and Facebook. I’ve been more vocal about my personal beliefs and priorities, something I was always nervous to do in fear of alienating others. I order take-out more than I cook, and give no fucks about that. I started playing sports again, something I was always nervous to do against men who weigh less than me (update: still good at soccer, suck balls at basketball). I put an inordinate amount of time rehearsing for my hypothetically lip sync battle. And sometimes I say I’m watching Netflix on my phone, but I’m actually watching porn. Because I’m a woman and I do what I want.