Opening this text window feels weird, but also like home. So like weird home. Or, you know, normal home, because what home isn’t weird? Anyways, here we are together, on the internet.
First of all, I have book mono. It’s a legitimate thing. You get it one of two ways. From open mouth kissing your kindle, because seriously, that thing is filthy. You take it into the bathroom, you are lying to yourself if you don’t think there is poop all over it. Plus, I read online once that when you flush the toilet, the bacteria can project up to 6 ft all over your bathroom. I’m pretty positive that’s factual.
Oh, you can also get it from writing a whole entire first draft of a book and turning it into your publisher fifty six minutes before your midnight deadline. And then you go to bed and don’t wake up for the next seven days, save for fluishly making your way to the fridge for Pepsi and fruit. And that is how I got book mono.
I WROTE A BOOK, MOTHERFUCKERS.
Holy shit, take that Mrs. Dunkle in first grade who failed me in math because I didn’t understand how coins worked. Spoiler alert lady, I still don’t know how to figure out change, I have an app for that. Also, I wrote a book, so I feel like maybe that can be a part of my grade.
So, while that first draft is with my editor at HarperCollins – who will soon send me epic amounts of work but I don’t even care because it’s the most exciting experience ever – I have loads of other things to get ready for! Camp Throwback is in THREE WEEKS. My new webseries starts THIS JUNE! I have an underwear campaign launching in a few weeks. Oh, and it’s May 8th which means it’s Jude’s birthday, which is the final spin of the WTF We’re All Born Within A Month? board game. So basically, we’re poor, out of scotch tape and fucking hate cake.
This was actually a really important birthday for me because I got to finally renew my license. I’m sure everyone in general hates their license picture, but mine was especially unfortunate. I really wanted to show you, but I didn’t take a photo before hand, and I forgot they confiscate your old license when they give you a knew one, I guess so that it doesn’t get into the hands of terrorists or underage high school seniors. Long story short, the picture had been taken April 28th, 2009. I gave birth to my daughter April 30th, 2009. I was 4 centimeters and 80 percent effaced in that photo, and had full-on pregnancy face. You know that thing where all your features spread apart and your kinda look like Eroc Stoltz in Mask? That. I needed a new photo.
Have you always lived in Ohio?
Any outstanding or pending traffic violations*?
Any updates to your personal information such as home address, height, weight or hair color?
Okay, go ahead.
I now weigh 215 lbs.
For the first time since calling the number on my ticket, she looked up to meet my face and lowered her voice.
You know, you don’t have to change the weight on this, we can keep it at 160 lbs if you want.
No, 215 lbs is okay.
Are you sure, you have to keep this for 4 more years and you could lose weight by then.
Oh, I appreciate the sisterhood, but I totally won’t, not with boobs like these and the rate in which Taco Bell keeps releasing new Doritos tacos.
Confused, she finished typing into her computer before directing me over to the eye test, the picture booth, and finally back to my seat in the waiting area until the new plastic card had been printed.
A card that ensures, should I ever rob a convenience store and evade the police, the information they pull and flash across your nightly news during my multi-state manhunt will confirm that I’m from Ohio, over 200lbs… and totally not pregnant.
*Got my first speeding ticket two days ago. The streak is over.