Dear Andy While You Sleep

Monday I rolled over in bed to come face to face with my little doll-faced cherub. I am keenly aware of the imaginary clock ticking above our heads, and our time of morning time girl snuggles are fleeting. I touched my finger to her warm little nose and she opened her heavy eyes, smiled softly, and then vomited directly into my open mouth, hair and pillow. I can never eat Sweet & Sour Chicken again. That’s a lie, but I can assure you it will be a while.

An hour later Andy called, he’d lost a co-worker unexpectedly and it jarred him. I don’t handle death or emotions well, I become physically uncomfortable and I never know what to do with my hands. Plus, when Andy’s normally chill and even-keeled demeanor changes, it freaks me out, only one of us can be unstable in this relationship and I am used to that person being me. My immediate response was to begin making cakes, because I feel like cakes are better than crying.

Wednesday and three thrown away puke pillows later, Ohio’s latest snow storm sent a giant tree through our roof and into our garage.

We are coming off quite a shit fest, y’all. And Andy, he’s handled it like a champ. And by that, I mean he’s mostly taken all my phone calls at work, and talked me through mature and complicated things like obtaining contractor quotes and not punching insurance adjusters.

And for that, there are so many things I want to tell him, it’s just that every time I try, I get all weepy and choked up like I’m watching the wedding scene in The Muppets Take Manhattan.

So I’ve decided to wait until he’s asleep.

dad and gi

 

You are a really great dad. I know I got you a card saying this exact thing last Father’s Day, but it bears repeating, because before Jude came out, I did not have high hopes for us as parents. But, we rocked it out, and I’ll never admit this to your face, but you are so totally a better parent than me. You are more patient, and more logical, and you grow way better beards. I know it kills you every morning you have to walk out that door and I get to stay, but please know that I work all hours of the day just so that one day, you don’t have to leave anymore.

I broke our microwave. Only the middle line of number buttons work now, so you can only microwave food for times consisting of 2, 5, 8, and 0. Or use any of the specialty buttons. For example, if you want to reheat your Indian take-out, hit the Popcorn button once. If you want to heat up soup, hit the Popcorn button once, and then when it feels like it’s been in there roughly half the time, open the door and take it out. If you leave it in for a full Popcorn, you’ll burn your tongue and food will be ruined for you for at least a week. If you want to heat up a Hot Pocket, don’t, because you’ll have diarrhea all night and I’ll never heard the end of it. However, I recently read an article about how microwaves are killing us, so maybe I’ve done us all a favor. Honestly, you’re lucky to have me.

Sometimes I hate you for making me feel so beautiful. I can only stand here today and love me because you propped me up for 15 years until I was strong enough to do it myself, and it secretly hate that I’ll never be able to do anything as epic for you. I’ve been robbed of any hopes to win the award for best spouse, and all I can do in return is give you beautiful children and trim your eyebrows, and it never feels enough. Here’s this coupon I made you for free blow jobs.

Also, thank you for being patient with me as I’ve learned how to be an adult. It’s taken me longer than you, and you never make me feel bad about that.

Lastly, I wrote you this poem: You do something to me that I can’t explain. Hold me closer and I feel no pain. Every beat of my heart we got something going on. Tender love is blind, it requires a dedication. All this love we feel, needs no conversation. We can ride it together, ah-ha. Making love with each other, ah-ha. Islands in the stream, that is what we are. No one in between, how can we be wrong. Sail away with me, to another world. And we rely on each other, ah-ha. From one lover to another, ah-ha… okay I didn’t actually write that. It’s Islands In The Stream by Kenny Rogers and Dolly Parton, but it felt applicable here.

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  1. says

    i want to hug you all, puke and all. thank you for such a great writing piece and your always genuine, honest, puke filled (figuratively and not) look at life.

  2. ThatCajunGirl says

    Beautiful! However, I have a hard time giving the blowjob coupon. The hubs tends to pull it out at the most inopportune time (i.e when I’m breathing).

  3. Corrine says

    Great post as always! I’m so sorry about the puke in the mouth…actually that gives you mother of the year status. That one moment means you totally deserve it. Additionally…fabulous pic!! It makes my chest ache and other shit!!

  4. Stacy says

    My husband and I have been fighting off and on about petty things for weeks! Thank you for writing this and making me remember all the things he has done in the past.
    You and Andy rock! I hope he reads your blog.

  5. Johanna says

    I got a little teary eyed reading this. Andy sounds like a pretty wonderful guy. You are pretty awesome as well!

  6. says

    Your creativity never ceases to amaze me.

    I am sorry Andy lost a friend at work. Learn to put your hands in your pockets. If you can’t use pockets, your SOL because I only had the pockets idea.

    You are a lovely wife. I push love away and you welcome it every day and in every way. I need to take a page from your life and read it more carefully.

  7. Becky says

    Love love love this. Both you and Andy are pretty special. And hot!! Thanks for the giggle and tears this am~

  8. Beth in Iowa says

    I get this – because I have a wonderful guy as well! We are one anthers’ Ying and Yang all the time. When someone needs to be the grown up, somehow the right person steps up to the plate. The rest of the time we are both kids at heart and life is nothing but an adventure. True blessings!

    • Delta Juliet says

      My husband will need to be a HELL of a lot more like Andy if he thinks he’s getting coupons ;) I think I’m pretty safe.

  9. says

    Absolutely love this. Not the fact that all that bad stuff happened (I hope you’re all ok now), but that you have someone there to watch your back and help you through all of it. I feel like it’s important to remind our significant others how much they mean to us on a regular basis. It just sucks when it has to be under these kind of circumstances, but then again, that’s when we need to do it the most.

  10. Shawn says

    My Gosh. Your teachers are complimenting you on something that you wrote that includes vomit and blow jobs. It is a strange, strange world. Either your teachers are very cool or mine very narrow minded. :)

  11. Krista says

    Jo Dee!!! I’m having a total meltdown right now … One of my fave singers commenting on one of my fave blogs!!! Am I in a parallel universe right now?!?! Jo Dee, I heard you perform this on the Bobby Bones #PimpinJoy week show and I absolutely loved it … Along with Heads Carolina, Tails California!!

    Brittany, this was an absolutely beautiful post – you and Andy seem like such a perfect fit for one another. I seriously almost ugly cried when I saw his comment on Facebook about coming out if a meeting and falling in love with you all over again. The ugly cry happened. You guys make me believe that there is that kind of love out there …. I hope I will love, and be loved, this way someday!

  12. says

    What a beautiful article. You are funny, witty and really entertaining. I have been married for 28 years this year. I adore my husband. And like you, he has allowed me to grow up slowly. In some ways this has been great, but in others, not so good. I am a really independent person, and feel that I am just coming into being my own person now at the age of 52. I am just a big kid.
    My kids know this, and my husband know it as well. I hate having to make grown up decisions at times. But when I leave it up to him, (cause he makes the decisions without too much emotion), I get really cheesed off because I did not get to have the last word in decision making. I’m just a contrary Mary. I must drive him insane. Still I cant be too bad, I guess 28 years is a long time. After 7 kids (lots of coupons used here) I must be good at something
    LOL

  13. says

    What a beautiful article. You are funny, witty and really entertaining. I have been married for 28 years this year. I adore my husband. And like you, he has allowed me to grow up slowly. In some ways this has been great, but in others, not so good. I am a really independent person, and feel that I am just coming into being my own person now at the age of 52. I am just a big kid.
    My kids know this, and my husband knows it as well. I hate having to make grown up decisions at times. But when I leave it up to him, (cause he makes the decisions without too much emotion), I get really cheesed off because I did not get to have the last word in decision making. I’m just a contrary mary. I must drive him insane. Still I can’t be too bad, I guess 28 years is a long time.
    After 7 kids (lots of coupons used here) I must be good at something
    LOL

  14. Amy Barnes says

    I think that your post is so funny. I have had to of the same experiences with my girls. I am so glad that you are posting these things that other parents don’t talk about. I too have a blog about funny parenting stuff. Mine is about the funny things that my girls say. Follow me http://aeb91910.wordpress.com/

    • Brittany says

      I understand, and very much apologize. I have a huge book due to my publisher TOMORROW, and it’s sucked my brain power for the month. I considered phoning it in with old posts, but that felt weird. So instead, I just offer my apologies and ask you to hang tight until Monday, when I plan to go all BRITTANY GONE WILD up in here, because my brain is a free woman!

  15. Kristine says

    Wheeeerrrree aaaaaarrrree yoooooouuu!!

    Checking in every day for a new post.. I could just subscribe and get an email notification, but that takes out the fun of checking and hoping, checking and hoping.

    Can’t wait for your next post!

  16. Caity says

    Oh thank God you’re coming back. You didn’t expect me to get through my mind-numbing secretarial job without a new post to make me laugh inappropriately at work, did you?!

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