If These Spanx Could Talk

by Brittany on October 2, 2013

in Chubby Girl, Fashion, may or may not be a medical emergency

We spent last weekend at a wedding for one of Andy’s college friends, and it was one of those situations where he was in the wedding, but I was not, and that’s fine. Seriously. The less I need longline strapless bras in my life, the better. They always start off okay, but by hour three, they’re basically cummerbunds.

But due to my dress, I did need some shapewear. I actually don’t wear it that often in my day to day normal life. I’m not against it at all, and find shapewear to be a huge confidence piece, but it’s been super hot outside, my natural body temperature runs hot, so that usually means yeast infection party. And, I’ve been wearing a lot of jeans, and shapewear makes them slide down constantly, also sometimes I like remembering my flesh isn’t made of pantyhose.

Plus, neurosis alert, they make me claustrophobic and my tummy gets all, dude, if I don’t stretch all the way out right this second, I’m going to fucking lose it. I’m swear to God, Brittany, get me out of this elastic coffin or I will fucking lose it. 

I know some people feel weird about shapewear, like it’s somehow cheating? I mean, I guess I can see their point, but seriously, it’s an adult spandex body suit, not liposuction. It’s going to smooth out your lumps and help with your posture, but I don’t think you are really chloroforming people into some false belief about your naked body. I’m either gonna be smooth fat or visible panty line fat. Those are the choices.

But regardless, for the fancy dress I ended up wearing, because black tie weddings are still a thing and nobody is embracing the Duck Dynasty theme as much as the products in SkyMall Magazine would lead you to believe, they helped smooth things out a touch.

Before the wedding, the Spanx (and that Spanx is plural, as in I wore two pair. I wanted to clarify that, because the plural of Spanx is Spanx… like deer, so it can be confusing.) I wore looked essentially like this:

Brittany in Spanx

I did the kind that look like giant panties, and then layered over that, a giant tube version for dresses. I don’t like the tummy/thigh combo Spanx. I don’t know the technical term, so I refer to those as the “half wrestling singlet ones,” because I have chunky thighs, and they dig in too deep, like the garter I couldn’t wear on my wedding day.

That photo right there is the best Spanx will ever look on me. From that point on, it’s like Shawshank Redemption and a slow painful escape to the floor.

Get low, Get low 
To the window , to the wall
To the sweat drop down my balls 
To all these bitches crawl 

Holy shit, Lil Jon was rapping about Spanx the whole time. I should update Urban Dictionary about that…

Six hours later, I peeled the moist scuba suit from my body and collapsed on the floor. Filling my lungs to capacity for the first time since being seated on the groom’s side. It burns. It burns so good.

It’s like baptism by shapewear, and you emerge from the water born again and with this weird linea nigra from the tummy seam.

I curse them and stuff them back into my underwear drawer, however let’s face it, our fight is only temporary. There will always be another shift dress.

But, is all this necessarily one-sided? Probably not. I often imagine inanimate objects have human feelings, which is why I apologize to my toilet during my period. My Spanx are no exception, as they stare up at me damp and rolled up from the drawer, not meeting me my gaze, biting their lip until they can’t hold it in any longer.

First of all, peeing through the hole is a privilege. Not a right.

I’m the whole reason you can twerk and not look like an idiot based on anything other than principal.  But seriously *whispers* you should stop doing that. It feels like when people over 27 try and use the word “cray.”

We both know you took the slice of cake with the giant frosting flower on purpose, but you acted aloof about it. Everyone in cake line hates you.

No good decisions happen in parking lots after you drink brown liquor. Again, the hole privilege. It’s a thing.

Spanx is right. I did take that slice on purpose.

 

{ 66 comments… read them below or add one }

melissa October 2, 2013 at 12:38 pm

“Peeing through the hole is a privilege. ”

Also? It has a learning curve. That’s why my Spanx hates me.

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Delta Juliet October 3, 2013 at 10:12 am

I have Spanx and I DID NOT KNOW there is a pee hole. Is it possible mine don’t have one? Because I really don’t see how I could have missed that……

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Lindsey October 2, 2013 at 12:38 pm

Where did you get that bra! I want one……;-)

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Brittany October 2, 2013 at 12:40 pm

That is a plunge bra from Cacique at Lane Bryant. I found I have to go up a cup with the plunge ones or else my boobs just ooze out the center.

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Rebekah October 2, 2013 at 6:35 pm

Thank goodness. I thought I was the only one who had that problem. Now I know the secret is to go up a cup size.

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Gina October 2, 2013 at 10:57 pm

Is it creepy that when I looked at the pic I thought “Hey she buys her bras at Lane Bryant too”? Not creepy right?

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Brittany October 3, 2013 at 10:01 am

I put the picture on the internet, if anyone wins the creepy award, it’s me:)

Delta Juliet October 3, 2013 at 10:13 am

Is that the secret? Damn now I know…..now if only I could find a 34 QUADRUPLE D, I’ll be all set. I have a hard enough time with the 3D’s.

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Brittany October 3, 2013 at 10:16 am

There is apparently some weird algorithm to it. Try 36 DD or DDD. Apparently you can either go up a cup, or up a band width and down a cup. OMG WHY IS BRA MATH HARD!?

Catherine October 4, 2013 at 10:00 am

Try herroom.com. You can put in info about your best fitting bra and it will give you your “universal size” and then offer recommendations based on your breast type. Like mine tend to splay out, so they offered recomendations based on that. They have lots of different sizes and the universal size (i’m a 34d4 with them) makes it easier to choose when the bras are sized differently.

Krissy October 3, 2013 at 11:51 am

Did you see Rebel Wilson’s new show “Super Fun Night”….overall, the show wasn’t the best but it ended with her struggling to get into or out of (I couldn’t tell) her Spanx….hysterical. Made me think of this post.

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erica October 2, 2013 at 12:41 pm

And what did the dress look like?!

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Susan Brinkley October 2, 2013 at 12:42 pm

My grandma always said that the way to make sure you stay married is to never let your husband see you put on panty hose. I think this applies to Spanx too. They look pretty sexy and like vintage underwear once they’re on, but getting them there is never, ever pretty.

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Tara October 2, 2013 at 12:47 pm

someone had car sex! hahaha or hand action. good job!

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Kristy October 2, 2013 at 12:50 pm

I want to see the fancy dress too!

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Brittany October 2, 2013 at 12:51 pm

In another fashion post. Pinkie swear!

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Kate October 2, 2013 at 1:05 pm

One of my top five favorite posts. Can’t wait to see the dress!

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Larissa October 2, 2013 at 1:11 pm

OMG this post is frickin’ hilarious! I want to know how you wear the tube Spanx without it rolling down to your waist, creating another strange lump all the way around…and how they don’t roll up your legs, also. I have a couple of the “skirt” ones and they always roll up and down. Like a cumberbund, only more rope-like. Maybe I need to get actual Spanx or maybe I had the wrong sizes? I don’t know. I’m ready to try the ones that are like bike shorts. Also, I tried the ones from the infomercial – Kymora body shapers…they roll. I think I just need a one piece. UGH.

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Brittany October 2, 2013 at 1:34 pm

Okay, the rolling down isn’t an issue for me because I pull them up and tuck them into my bra strap. that holds them up. But sure as shit, the stupid skirt one did occasionally roll up my leg, you know, enough to make me want to punch someone. So, there’s that.

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Becky October 2, 2013 at 2:28 pm

Yes the tucking into the bra is the key! For my wedding I was packed in like a sausage…. and made sure my new groom didn’t see The Man Behind The Curtain. I’ve also found that the cheap Target version is a roller. You have to dish out the cash but the good Spanx in the right size don’t roll.

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amber October 2, 2013 at 1:15 pm

No joke, the Spanx look so good paired together I THOUGHT THEY WERE THE DRESS.

Seriously, Amber, you’re 24 get over the hoochy mama sorority days already.

But I was like, damn, Brittany doesn’t even look like she has Spanx on under that SEXY dress and I’ve never seen a girl pull off that miracle; thus, Brittany is a Spanx goddess.

Needless to say, I am questionably dressed more often than not so DO NOT trust my opinion. And, when you need a LBD you can just pair the above Spanx and bra.

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Catherine October 2, 2013 at 6:07 pm

Amber I thought the same thing! I was like wow you are one confident chick rockin that skintight dress!

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Amy October 2, 2013 at 9:14 pm

DITTO.

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Eleni October 2, 2013 at 1:21 pm

I’m one of those a-holes who wears my Spanx (singular) daily because I’m so anxious about how lumpy my stomach is and how it shows through all my tops. I wear a worn-out pair at the gym so I don’t jiggle so much when I’m running on the treadmill. You look so sexy in your Spanx, though! I feel like an old woman in mine. Teach me!

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Leah Suasnovar October 2, 2013 at 1:25 pm

I wish my boobs would ooze, just once. It’s not fair all my curviness is only from the below the boobs and down. And in the chin.

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Gina October 2, 2013 at 11:07 pm

I’m with you on that Leah! I want boob ooze so bad. I too have curves everywhere but my boobs. It’s like a sick joke to be curvy with a small chest.

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Delta Juliet October 3, 2013 at 10:16 am

Be careful what you wish for…..boob ooze is not sexy (at least in my case). It makes them look like half-cooked pancakes. With nipples.

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Jenny October 2, 2013 at 1:25 pm

I have the same questions as Larissa

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Anna October 2, 2013 at 1:26 pm

The cake with frosting flowers is the BEST! As long as it’s not that whipped icing bullshit.

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Dawn October 2, 2013 at 1:41 pm

I have Spanx but can’t wear them. I swear, once I have my clothes on over them I just look like a sausage stuffed in a too-small casing. You look great in yours. I’m jealous.

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Abby October 2, 2013 at 1:43 pm

I always have to wear the “half singlet” type because of thigh rubbage. Anyone have a better solution for that? I do have some dresses that are shaped in a way that I DON’T need shapeware, but I find myself wearing it, anyway, because I need something on my thighs. Sigh.

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Catherine October 2, 2013 at 6:08 pm

Abby
I use my solid stick deodorant on my thighs to reduce chaffing! Works great no more thigh rubbage!

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Abby October 3, 2013 at 9:59 am

Thank you! I’m gonna try it. I seriously feel like a whole new world would open up to me!

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Emily Susan October 2, 2013 at 9:56 pm

They make body glide, however, I always have to take it along in my purse on longer excursions in order to make it through the entire day.

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Abby October 3, 2013 at 10:00 am

I’ve heard of that before and I’ve thought about trying it. I guess it’s time. And I’m always scared to try something new because what if I end up in a situation where I’m dying in burning pain from the friction. Oye! But the three suggestions here have given me a bit more confidence. Off to the drug store I go!

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Jane October 2, 2013 at 10:55 pm

Dove deodorant. As long as it’s a “go fresh” kind, you are good to go. I wear my skirts and shorts and no worry about the dreaded thigh rub. SERIOUSLY amazing, let’s hope it’s never discontinued.

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Abby October 3, 2013 at 10:01 am

I’m guessing this is probably cheaper than the body glide, so I’ll definitely check it out. The shapewear and the deodorant might have to be crammed into my purse for the first day, just in case. I always like to have a back up plan! Thanks for the suggestion!

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Brittany October 3, 2013 at 10:04 am

Yes, I use Dove unscented. Buy a regular size stick, and then a travel size. Keep the travel size in your purse should you need it, but for me, it lasts all day.

I know people swear by body glide and the Monistat creams, but they didn’t last all day for me. Dove does.

Mandy October 2, 2013 at 1:49 pm

Reminds me of that line from Steel Magnolias:

“I haven’t left home without lycra on these legs since I was 16 years old”

“You were raised right”

That’s pretty much me. I don’t think I’ve worn a dress or a skirt without a pair of Spanx since I was a child.

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MandyMcAwesome October 2, 2013 at 2:26 pm

*When seeing the woman dance in Sttel Magnolias* “Looks like two pigs fightin’ under a blanket. “

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Mandy October 3, 2013 at 11:05 am

Haha. I like your name, lady.

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Big Girl October 2, 2013 at 1:59 pm

Umm…where’s the video of the aforementioned twerking?!? This is something your public needs to see.

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Jocelyne October 2, 2013 at 2:47 pm

I second Abby’s question – I wear the half singlet jobbies under dresses and skirts solely for the thigh rubbing issue. That ish hurts and thigh rub burn lasts for days.

I think this was brought up in conjunction with another post before, and I seem to remember someone saying that they use deodorant or the runner’s glide stuff. Does that work all night (like through a wedding ceremony and reception)? Or do you have to reapply often?

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Brittany October 2, 2013 at 3:01 pm

Okay two options I like.

1. Go tot he store and buy a stick of unscented Dove deodorant. Lather it on between your thighs, lasts all day. Weddings are extreme conditions, but it should work fine. I find that this lasts WAY longer and better than anti-chaffing creams.

2. Look into undergarments that aren’t necessarily spanx. Like Thigh Society. Very cute flesh colored bike shorts to keep your thighs dry:)

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Amy October 2, 2013 at 5:00 pm

Thank you, thank you, thank you. I thought it was only me. I avoid cute dresses and skirts because of thigh rub burn. I love the fall because I can wear leggings under my cute skirts and I don’t look a fool (at least too much). I’m getting Dove deodorant tonight and wearing a cute skirt tomorrow. And I will blame you if I get thigh rub. Seriously.

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Natalie October 2, 2013 at 3:06 pm

I hate Spanx and they hate me. I hate bras, they hate me more. I hate underwear because I’m curvy and I have a stomach that won’t go away and I want to wear sexy underwear but it won’t cover my stomach right. So, basically undergarments and me are sworn enemies. I hate anything that makes me feel squeezed like a sausage… jeans and t-shirts, every day of my damn life but I do wish I could wear something else sometimes and not look like a total old-hag, frump lady.

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LouisianaMeredith October 2, 2013 at 3:25 pm

I co-sign every single thing written here.

Also? Lil Jon’s lyrics and actual song meaning? BRILLIANTLY FUNNY–ROTFLMAO!!

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Samantha October 2, 2013 at 3:55 pm

I totally do not get the peeing through a hole thing! Dont you pee on the spanx…your legs…and another other item near the humble bowl? I’ve always been afraid to try it. and I have the sausage shorts and tank one-piece shapewear (I get this becasue my spanx undies roll down my belly and i wind up having to adjust them – sometimes as i run between meetings – and I am almost ALWAYS caught while adjusting my spanx panties by engineers in my office…..I know they saw me – they know they saw me – but we pretend we didnt. Its our little secret – and as far as secrets go – this one sucks. And would i think to run to the bathroom to adjust discretely? No – i’ve been in meetings having my brain cells sucked out of me. Seriously- i could go home and drink and have the same effect, and it would be AWESOME). Were was i? Yes – the pee hole in shapeware. Does this work? Seriously? I have a wedding to go to this weekend so it would be nice to know before i pee all over myself.

And yes – Brittany is so beauitfully funny – it is my lunch hour reading to bring me back to life. AHHHHHHH, now i can spell again.

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CJ October 2, 2013 at 3:57 pm

So many problems could be solved with crotchless Spanx.

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Britt October 9, 2013 at 10:51 am

Why are we not funding this. I would pay good money for this. I’m a cosmetology student and I wear a version of Spanx every day and it’s to the point that I don’t eat or drink anything just to avoid the bathroom, cuz seriously, aint nobody got time for that.

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AngieM. October 2, 2013 at 4:16 pm

the one time i tried to wear spanx, i think i cracked a rib and collapsed a lung. being pretty is painful.

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Courtney October 2, 2013 at 4:17 pm

Anyone here try any of the Yummie shapewear by the woman on the Real Housewives of New York City? (Don’t judge-I love that franchise!). The stuff is expensive and I’d like some “real” experiences with it.

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Kathryn October 2, 2013 at 6:00 pm

Hi Brittany,

I just read about you in the most recent issue of The Write Life magazine. I also watched your Youtube video. Way to go, girl! Thank you for what you are doing in support of women and girls.

I’m writing a book based on writings I did at an intensive women’s writing workshop many years ago–which was about accepting our wonderful bodies in all their bodacity! And being able to really look at ourselves and each other with compassion and the ability to see all our beauty no matter our shape, color, or size. My hope is that the book will help women on their journey to self-acceptance. My plan is to have this book out next year. Once I get it done, could I send you a copy for a testimonial?

I’m also writing life-affirming short-stories that I’m getting out into the world, little by little.

Some more on my book and my stories: http://www.kathrynVwhite.com

Cheers!

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Emily Susan October 2, 2013 at 9:59 pm

YOU ARE BRILLIANT!

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JenEverAfter October 2, 2013 at 10:12 pm

Ok, so, for reals, the Adsense ad right above the comments says:
Wholesaler of women
underwear minimum
Order $150
Hahahahahaha!!!!! That’s whatcha get for posting pics in your underpants!!!!!
Oh, and P.S., I HAVE to peer through the hole. If I actually rolled them down to pee, I’d NEVER pull them back up. And then how awkward to have my spanx slung over the back of a chair for the rest of the party because they won’t fit in my clutch and my dumb husband won’t take them out to the car for me. (Husbands are SO dumb!)

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Taterz October 3, 2013 at 10:18 am

You do Spanx good, baby. I get kinda paranoid when I wear them. Feels like everyone knows, somehow. And I want to see pictures of the dress!

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Beth October 3, 2013 at 10:29 am

For thigh coverage without the constriction, look at luvees.com. I don’t do the spandex but these make dress-wearing comfortable.

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Lori October 3, 2013 at 2:55 pm

Girl, you can definitely rock the Spanx! Unfortunately, Spanx and I are not friends. I think you have to have a certain body shape or something akin to a waist for it to work.

I am apple-shaped so the couple of times I’ve worn one, I’ve felt like I was being strangled. I’ve tucked it under the bra, and it still rolls down! The muffin top that Spanx gives me is absolutely horrendous. And when it does stay up, I look like an overstuffed sausage, and this is still noticeable with clothes on. I could take out a whole room if one of those seams gives out.

Until I find something that works for me, I will continue wearing my high-waisted control top pantyhose that does somewhat of a decent job.

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Kim October 3, 2013 at 4:23 pm

I don’t mean to leave my comments on your blog post on Spanx, but seems like a good as spot as any to drop my two cents.
I stumbled on your blog a few weeks ago and hot damn girl you have rocked my world. Between the wide calf boots post (6pm.com has changed my life), the youtube video on the correct bra size measurements (watch out world as I get on all fours to measure the twins) or the plain old selfies you post with such cute wardrobe ideas, I am hooked. I just purchased my first pair of skinny jeans (to of course tuck in to my new boot collection) and feel like such a put together grown-up. So thank you.
My husband may show up at your home with a copy of our credit card statement with questions….but it has been worth it, I can always work that off with sexual favors.
If your ever in the land of beer and cheese (Wisco) the first round is on me!!

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Beckey October 3, 2013 at 9:22 pm

okay, so I’m not well versed in the arena of spans, SPANX auto correct, not spans. duh. It’s not that I think I’m too good for them, it’s just no one invites me to weddings because I eat the sugar roses when no one is looking. But a pee hole? They have a pee hole? Like men? I kinda want to get some so I can check that out. Do you pee on yourself? I think I would pee on myself. I’m not coordinated with my urine. Once I went camping and peed in a ditch, and my stream took off in two directions, you can’t expect to not urinate on yourself when your pee takes off in two directions. You need to write a whole post about this. I need to be enlightened.

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Brynn October 4, 2013 at 11:46 am

I can’t take how funny this is. Especially the line about the parking lot and brown liquor. Man, what a great story.

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Theresa October 5, 2013 at 12:19 am

Have you tried an “F”? Worked for me…

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Hilary October 5, 2013 at 8:01 am

I don’t know if he had a moment of genius or if this is an actual thing, but the first time my hubs saw me in the girdle-style panties pulled up to my bra, he shivered and asked, “Are those two separate pieces, or one giant branty?” From then on, we refer to my fancy clothes underwear as “branties – the combo bra and panty!” We might start a campaign.

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Paula October 9, 2013 at 10:17 pm

I swear to God, I lose 5 pounds every time I struggle putting on Spanx. I once got stuck in a full body Spanx in the fitting room at Macys. I called my daughter at work and begged her to come and help me. :/

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Kara Ann November 7, 2013 at 11:21 am

Spanx brand has the hole in the crotch however if you go to Target they have a much more inexpensive brand made by the same manufacturer/creator of the original Spanx but they do not have the hole in the crotch…

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Misty May 25, 2014 at 8:25 pm

This post is a comedy masterpiece. Seriously.

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