Toothless Kid Problems

A few weeks ago, Jude lost his front teeth.

It was very dramatic, in that, he wouldn’t pull them out and insisted that no one touch them whilst they hang there by a single vein making us all collectively barf our faces off every time he spoke to us.

Then they fell out and I decided to get over my tooth phobia and enjoy this moment in time, though ill timed for any adorable Christmas songs, before his adult teeth come in.

If you’ve ever experienced a small child loosing teeth, you know that A. it’s totally jacked up, and 2. when the big ones come in, it’s like puberty of the mouth. Awkward, misshapen, and weird.

But also cute, you know? Oh look, he can’t eat corn! Or say “s” words! Or not whistle when he exhales!

And then, he lost another front-ish tooth, which I didn’t even know was allowed? He went from this adorable little toothless boy to Abe Vigoda in four seconds.


He talks weird, can’t eat anything hard, he basically has the same diet as Tami from Real World Los Angeles when she had her jaw wired shut.

And the whole Tooth Fairy process? Here’s my advice y’all, pace yourself.

They lose their first tooth, and it’s magical. Your baby is growing up, your instinct is to throw cash and glitter at it, because this is how memories are made! Don’t do that. I mean, use glitter or whatever, but give them a dollar. One dollar.

Because one tooth happens and then it’s like dominoes. Get the picture? One dollar.

Not to mention, after they lose a couple, they just get fucking cocky about it. Guess what, Magic Mike just took the stage, make it rain! Which is why, if you follow me on Facebook or Instagram, you saw this last week.

Tooth Fairy Letter

I barely remember to leave money under his pillow as is, and parenting doesn’t offer FMLA.

Seriously, Andy. I have a top medicine cabinet shelf full of dried-out teeth. Am I supposed to keep hoarding these or what?

I don’t know, I feel bad throwing them out, should we bury them?

In the ground?

Yeah, like a placenta or something?

Who the hell did you have kids with? I left all my placentas in a biohazard bag because you said they looked like Skeksis from Dark Crystal?

So for now, we’re blending Jude’s solids and keeping the teeth. Maybe one day after the Rapture happens we can use them as currency, or pass them along to Wyatt as embellishments for his dreadlocks.


Facebook Comments



  1. says

    Our Tooth Fairy, Tallulah, left Maddie $5 for the first one and $1 for each additional. At one point, she lost 3 teeth in 3 days! Super cute, though!

    P.S. Love, love, LOVE the Dark Crystal reference!!

  2. says

    We have a horde of kids teeth just sitting high on a shelf in the bedroom. Collecting dust with dried mouth blood all over them. Jeff refuses to throw them away or flush them down the toilet. I get grossed out thinking about keeping them around really. If only there was a way to use them effectively until the rapture…

    • says

      Once upon a time, back when I was a kid, I actually found a jar of teeth that my mom had been keeping – of all places – in her underwear drawer. I was shocked and disturbed that she hadn’t thrown them away! But as Brittany says, what should you do with them anyway?

  3. Melissa T. says

    My major problem with my 6 year old losing her teeth is that I NEVER have cash. The first tooth she lost, we were at my parents and I bummed a dollar off my dad. I started hoarding a few dollars here and there when I realized a tooth was loose, but the other day one of her top front teeth fell out and I was unprepared and only had a five dollar bill. (It was late and there was no way I was going out to get change for it.) I was not happy about leaving 5 bucks for a tooth! The next night the other front tooth was hanging on by a thread and I refused to pull it because I had no cash (and again it was late and I didn’t want to go out). Maybe the problem is just that I’m lazy about going to the bank…

    • Brittany says

      This is also my main issue. I never have ACTUAL money on me anymore. I tried to leave 4 quarters once, but they went all over!

  4. Heidi says

    Ahhh! I heard that about Patricia Arquette too! Craziness! Okay, I 15 and helping my Mom clean out some stuff in her room when I came across a box full of mine and my brother’s teeth. Eww. For real, what the hell would you keep teeth for?! I throw my kids away. Im a horrible mother. Im pretty much the same with the cash situation as well. Who has dollars?! Tooth fairy needs to invent an ATM option. Paypal?

    • Brittany says

      I literally SNORTED over Paypal.

      That would be brilliant. Could we handle allowance that way, also?

  5. Vicky says

    My son’s teeth have mainly refused to fall out. The first 5 had to be pulled out by the dentist because the adult teeth were coming in behind the baby teeth. Since then he has had a few fall out. Out tooth fairy leave $1 for a tooth that falls out and $2 for one that the dentist has to pull.

    I throw in the extra dollar for having to get the shot of novacaine!

  6. Christy says

    We have found gold dollar coins work well for Fairy payment. Kids think they are cool, and we have a stack that we won’t spend so in case of sudden tooth loss we are covered. My Nephew got $5 a tooth for the first few (Had bad teeth and had to have a dentist remove them) That has set the standard for him. I just told my kids that our tooth fairy is the broke one, and gets the gold dollars special for them lol!

  7. Kendra says

    I toss those teeth in the trash. I just don’t see anything worthwhile in saving old teeth with dried blood on them. We have a $1.00 rule for the tooth fairy. My 5 year old is apparently smarter than I am. Last tooth she lost, she said she wanted the tooth fairy to bring her a $10.00 bill. When I told her the tooth fairy doesn’t have $10.00 bills, my daughter told me that I said the tooth fairy is magical and if she is magical then she can make a $10.00 bill without any problems. She still didn’t get a $10.00 bill, but I thought about for the good reasoning skills. Some of her classmates gets presents and money for lost teeth. Seriously, who plans ahead like that?

  8. Cort says

    I got $1 per tooth as a child. Except that one I lost in Disney World with my grandparents. That was a $5 tooth. Tinkerbell pays well, y’all.

  9. Kristin says

    So, one day my mom and I were going through her jewelry, and I saw this really beautiful ring box…of course I had to open it! Inside was the stuff nightmares are made of. My grandma had not only saved one of my mom’s molars, she also had it set in a 14K gold ring. Un…be…lie…va…ble. After completely rethinking my place in the family, crying with laughter on the floor with my mom, and calling all of my siblings, we decided to use it as the new family “old maid”. Whoever has it tries to sneak it into someone else’s house…who knows where that thing is now!

    • Shelby Beck says

      I love this! A 14K gold ring? Who does this? I think it is awesome that you and your siblings are having fun with it. My daughter’s teeth (she is 16) are all in a plastic tooth shaped container that she got when she lost a tooth during kindergarten. Yep, I have no idea what to do with them but feel guilty throwing them away. She is my only child…I know, lame!!

  10. Ktz says

    I was the same way when I had loose teeth, I would wiggle them but I was afraid to pull them out. My dad once threatened to use pliers while I was asleep. I had a front tooth hanging by one little string so long it turned purplish.

    • Brittany says

      We tried that, ONCE. It was Wyatt and he decided he wanted it pulled with string, and we got it all knotted and set and BOOM…. he changed his mind.

      I could NOT get the string untied, he screamed for an hour.

      And it fell out by morning.

  11. danni says

    You should read What the Dickens by Gregory Maguire. Bottom line: bury the teeth and they “grow” into birthday wishing candles, truth!

  12. says

    When my daughter’s tooth was loose, I was so grossed out. I kept hoping it would come out at school, so I wouldn’t have to handle some slimy bloody tooth. Ewww. Somehow, I lucked out. Twice in a row! The teacher got to deal with it and I just got to be happy and excited for her. It was a good deal. She lost two right after she turned 6 and none in the 8 months since. Maybe I am a little tougher now and can handle the next one??? Probably not.

  13. heather says

    Wiggly teeth gross me out also! When I was little, i didn’t want anyone touching or looking at my loose tooth!
    So when my daughter got her first loose tooth, she showed me and I was like ‘GROCERIES” (my word for extreme grossness)! Then she took it out herself. She just lost her last one a few weeks back (she is 12) and she pulled all her teeth herself all those years. Once it wiggled a tiny bit, she worked on it until it came out. Maybe she needed the money? But I took it as “she gets me” (Which also means lots of therapy in her future).
    I keep all the teeth in a box. Hubby wants me to throw them away, but I will keep them like the true hoarder I am!

  14. Jamie says

    When I was younger I was looking in my mom’s jewelry box and found a bunch of my teeth. I don’t remember how old I was but that was when I knew the Tooth Fairy wasn’t real.

    These stories are totally grossing me out. I like the tooth ring being the old maid though – that’s too funny.

  15. Kristin says

    OMG THE DARK CRYSTAL REFRENCE! Just when I think you have reached the highest level of awesome you go and blow the roof off the place! Kid teeth are disgusting but I hoard them in my medicine cabinet anyway. At this point they are just falling out of her face. Sometimes more than one a day and she’s at the super awkward phase of some baby teeth, some adult teeth and sporadic gaps in between. She’s lucky the rest of her is so damn cute cause her mouth is kind of a freak show right now…..

  16. amina says

    When I was a kid my sister creeped me out by saying that mum would tie a thread round my tooth and tie that piece of thread to the door handle and slam the door so it would fall out.

    • Brittany says

      Ok I am starting to wonder if this actually happened to anyone, or it’s an urban legend all out parents told us!

      • Carrie says

        My grandparents and my parents pulled some of mine and my sister’s teeth that way. It was worse watching it happen to my sister than experiencing myself.

  17. says

    You should make a necklace out of the teeth (puka shell surfer-style) and give it to him for his 18th birthday. That’s not weird or creepy at all.

  18. says

    Wait till they start to lose their molars. Extra creepy and gag-worthy. Love the letter. Our ‘toothfairy’ had occasionally had to ask for similar help.

    • Brittany says

      YES> Our cousin left a list once reminding her kids of chores they had forgotten to do because they were so preoccupied with the tooth wiggling, and that now, with the tooth fairy’s blessing, they could go ahead and resume doing those.

  19. says

    I am so scared for when my kids lose their teeth. I didn’t lose most of mine, instead I grew double rows of teeth and had to have the baby ones removed by a dentist. So the whole thing is foreign and terrifying. Add on the obligations of the tooth fairy, awkwardness of feeding a toothless child, and expectation that my sensitive daughter will freak out too, and I’m thinking this is a recipe for a disaster.

  20. Rachel says

    Get silver dollars. They’re always so shiny and pretty. Super exciting to wake up and find a big shiny dollar where your tooth was.

    I read a book a while ago. YA. Obviously. Can’t remember the title, but in the underworld, teeth are currency and used to reanimate dead creatures. Or regrow them I guess you’d say because they built new bodies for souls out of these teeth. It was kind of freaky. And apparently not great since I can’t even remember the title. But if that’s true, you’re golden. If I remember correctly, baby teeth were especially prized. So hoard them. Just in case.

    Also? Thanks for the Dark Crystal nightmares I will inevitably have tonight. God that movie was so horrible. I’ll have to watch The Labyrinth to make up for it.

  21. says

    Ah losing teeth – it truly is a barf-inducing phase for everyone involved. Loose teeth are like that quote from Fight Club, about not being able to stop tonguing them – until they are hanging by nerve endings and grossing us all out!
    Also – there is nothing better than an obscure Dark Crystal reference! My favorite childhood creepy movie (for a child that hates to be creeped out).
    *However, I challenge you with an even CREEPIER image – – THIS is why I can never look at a child losing teeth in the eyes again without peeing a little!!!

      • says

        Ok, so I’m such a dork! I was trying to remember where I first saw this wtf-worthy photo…and it was from YOU! You were the original scourger of my poor innocent retinas! It’s sick and awesome at the same time!

  22. Nellie says

    OMG, I am snorting with laughter and can’t stop! You are so crazy-cool that those adorable, gorgeous and handsome as sin children of yours are beyond blessed to have you and Andy as their parents!!

    I’m still laughing but I’m stopping to say that your toothless wonder in that picture is too “must kiss his face” handsome!!! Woudln’t mind a son-in-law like him for my 6 year old daughter! 😛

  23. Janeen says

    My middle child lost all four top front teeth within a week and they did not grow back for a YEAR! We even had the dentist check her to make sure there wasn’t something wrong that were keeping them from coming in. Nope, just slow movers. She could eat anything in that year though – whole apples, corn on the cob, you name it.
    P.s. I have FINALLY caught up to where I can leave comments! I read a post from a link a while back and of course had to start at the beginning and read all the way through. Many nights of holding my phone under the covers so the light wouldn’t wake my husband up, only to start laugh so loud that he woke up anyway. And not in a good mood, I might add.
    P.p.s. My mother-in-law kept the kids’ umbilical cords! Yes, that little dried up piece from each kid was in a box in her room. Way worse than teeth (which she also has).

  24. says

    I hate being the Tooth Fairy. I hyperventilate and get all clammy when I have to wait for them to fall asleep, sneak into their room, feel around under their sleeping heads, and search for a tooth. When my youngest had his two bottom teeth pulled because he was looking like a shark (as the new ones came in behind the baby teeth) his dentist told him, “You know, the Tooth Fairy pays more for teeth that are pulled!” I was like, “Shut up bitch! Why would you throw me under the bus like that?”

    When my dad passed away two years ago we found a jewelry box full of cufflinks… and tons of teeth. Disgusting. And now, we have not only our own kids’ teeth safely tucked away for no apparent reason, but also our DOG’S!!! Yes, my husband thought it was cute when she lost her first puppy tooth so he saved it – on our kitchen counter – along with the next 6 she lost. I like the necklace idea. Maybe I’ll make earrings out of puppy teeth and list it on etsy. Don’t steal my idea!

  25. says

    I am not a parent. I am however, a mixed media, collage/assemblage artist. I bought someone’s baby teeth for my stash in a junk store.

  26. Starling says

    This is the second time this week that Tami from Real World LA & her wired shut jaw have come up in my life.

    What the ever loving fuck?

  27. LouisianaMeredith says

    Those days are over for me….at least I hope–I have a 17 year old still playing first team high school football–hopefully, no tooth loss there!

    Epic Tooth Fairy Win!

    • Brittany says

      Dude she is hardcore! I have never seen anyone do this and not leave the money anyways, brilliant!

      I left it, because yeah, I didn’t need to try and remember to do it yet ANOTHER night. That would have just been a delayed chore for me, and apparently that trumps principle. HA.

      • says

        Ha! “Hardcore” is probably one of the best things that I was called after I wrote that – most people liked it, but as time goes on I get more and more hate from it. I did end up leaving the money the next night – and the room did get sort of cleaned, so all in all it was a win!

        Love your letter too – but your handwriting is way cooler than mine is (hence the typing)!

        BTW – all of my kids’ teeth go in the trash. I thought about keeping them, but knew that I’d never keep track of them!

  28. Kim Butler says

    When my sister was looking at houses we toured a foreclosed house that was empty, except for a really freaky picture of Jesus that followed you with its eyes and a jar of teeth. Needless to say we left rather quickly.

  29. Heather says

    Cautionary tale for those in the keeping teeth camp: I guess my parents kept mine and my brother’s teeth too because one day I came across a molar stashed in a drawer (I was looking for candy). Just for kicks I decided to claim it as mine and say it had fell out that day. My parents never checked my mouth and I got some extra cash for my Polly Pocket fund. Didn’t feel bad about it then, don’t feel bad about it now…and if I had found more teeth I would have kept going.

  30. 5lita5 says

    I kept kid teeth for quite a while… and then it just got out of control — separating the twins teeth into separate containers, keeping track of WHERE the containers WERE…. by the 3rd child I was pretty much over the whole collection thing and teeth got stored where ever and then eventually FOUND again and I’d toss them… (mild guilt but not enough to make me wring my hands & write them each an apology letter…) WHY do we even TRY to keep their dropped teeth? What’s the end purpose?? A snippet of hair from the 1st haircut, the FIRST lost tooth – this seems like a more manageable collection of milestones… but a whole mouthful of outgrown teeth — OCD in overdrive… streamline your life & your collections honey. Sure bury the extras if that makes you feel better (?)…. I’m not diminishing the importance (to you) of your saving(s), just trying to offer a few thoughts to maybe quiet the rumblings of self-doubt, self-inflicted guilt & societal driven feelings of “not doing enough to qualify as a “good” Mom” bullshit.

  31. Stephenie Horman says

    This just starting happening for me last week. Since my son’s name is Kennedy, I always said that I would put the JFK fifty cent piece under his pillow. Only I made the mistake of saying the Tooth Fairy would bring him “something special” so I was all excited about the Kennedy coin and he was all like, “I thought I’d get roller skates.” Be specific, people.

    Oh, and I totally used the Tooth Fairy excuse to get him to clean his room beforehand. I told him she was non-union.

  32. robin says

    Save the teeth for 4th or 5th grade when they have to do a science project. A popular one is soaking teeth in different liquids to see which one erodes a tooth faster, Coke or Pepsi? Cow milk or soy milk? By that age you can let them in on the no tooth fairy secret so they don’t think you’re a serial killer who likes trophies.

  33. says

    I am dying laughing over this post. I keep asking myself, “how can she be SO funny!?” Love this blog, love your humor, love it all. Thank you for the laugh. I needed it!

  34. says

    My 7-year-old just lost his two front teeth. They are currently hanging in a ziploc back in my room, his choice. He chose to *save* his teeth and cash them all in at once. Oh my lands. I’m starting a savings account ahead of time LOL

  35. alnemsmom says

    Dude. I feel your pain. My kids are now 17 and 16, but my husband & I were the absolute worst Tooth Fairy(ies?). EVER. In the entire history of the world. Not only did we half-assedly convince them that she took Sundays off, but I left their teeth in a sandwich bag on top of a dresser in our bedroom & forgot about them. My daughter found them a couple of years ago and was pretty much grossed out and probably scarred for life. In fairness, I totally forgot they were there. Woohoo!

  36. Jen says

    I never believed in the Tooth Fairy as a child. It was weird, because I totally believed in Santa until I was 10 (I was freaked out that a fat bearded man was going to break into our house in the night, so I would stay up all night completely terrified and thinking that every creak of the foundation was actually reindeer on the roof. But I believed it was worth it for the presents). Similarly, I concluded as a 7-year old that the Tooth Fairy probably didn’t exist, but even if she did, I didn’t want some strange fairy in my room while I slept. So I just never put my teeth under my pillow because I figured if I did that she wouldn’t show up. After the first tooth, my mom put money under my pillow anyway, and that is how I knew it was nonsense. Why would the Fairy give me money without getting a tooth for it? Money for nothing? No. Strangely, I was in no way wary of the Easter Bunny.

    The truth about Santa was realized when I saw that the thank you note he left us for the milk and cookies matched the handwriting on my mom’s grocery list. I must have been an exhausting child to raise.

    I really hope my future kids think the same way. I may just tell them it’s fake to begin with, so as to avoid this situation.

  37. says

    The biggest challange in our house was for the Tooth Fairy to sneak the tooth out from under the pillow without getting discovered. Many a time shins have gotten bruised while sneaking in the dark. All worth while though.

  38. says

    –>My kid is on the verge of losing teeth and I keep telling him the going rate was a quarter when I was a kid. I’m more likely to have a quarter in the bottom of my purse than a dollar bill.

    Also, I LOVED the reference to Tami in The Real World. That was back when it was still sort of new and Awesome. I still loved Eric from the first season in New York 20 years ago. (damn, I’m getting old)


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