Twenty Stitches

The following is a totally true and gory story. Also, yes, Andy’s doctor really writes prescriptions for hand jobs, but I don’t think you can actually cash them in at pharmacies. They’re like those coupons you give people on Valentine’s Day when you don’t feel like spending actual money on them.

Britt!

He never says my name. And he definitely never calls me Britt. In fact nobody does…. ever.

I’m pretty sure if he were to introduce me to strangers he’d be like, this is my wife, we call her mama.

My name is reserved for things like, Brittany, we need to talk.

Or Brittany, where did these charges come from?

Or yes officer, her name is Brittany, I’ve never seen her before in my life.

Britt!

I assumed, I don’t know, that they were at the door to shut the water off or something, because it’s the last utility that doesn’t offer online bill pay, and I don’t get stuff out of the mail box because a spider lives in there.

Britt!

I didn’t expect to, like, walk into the kitchen to find him over the sink, holding his arm…

Britt!

It was so hot in there. So hot. It smelled like your hand when you hold a penny for too long and your palm gets sweaty. If it wasn’t for the smell, I wouldn’t have realized it was blood at first. It was just so dark and thick and the smell… it was suffocating and I leaned against the fridge because my contacts stopped working or my eyes suddenly grew cataracts because I heard him still, but I couldn’t really see anything.

Britt!

Yep, mmhmmm.

Don’t pass out.

Yes, ok.

My arm got caught in a helicopter prop. I need you to drive me to the hospital.

Oh yeah, totally.

So, I tried to do that. Twice.

I got in the car, and I turned it on and stuff, but dude? I could see his bone pieces, and he was just acting like that was normal, cool as a cucumber.

Andy Wound Blurred
Click here to see the uncensored version of this picture.

Babe, I think we should call an ambulance. You’re bleeding everywhere and I’m literally chewing vomit back down my throat.

Just roll your windows down, stick your head out, and go.

I took him to the closest hospital, which happened to be in the middle of a corn field. Our nurse was Laura Ingalls Wilder. They treated him with leeches, twenty stitches, a tetanus shot and a whooping cough vaccine.

As his arm was wrapped, and I sat hunched over with my head between my knees drinking ginger ale, old Dr. Hogue came in to check him out one final time and leave him with some instructions and pain medication.

Keep it elevated, watch for continued swelling or fevers, try not to use it for the next 24 hours…

But he can use his other hand?

Absolutely, it might be sore from the shots, but your left arm should function just fine.

See babe, your left arm is fine!

I lean behind the doctor’s back and make the always classy jerking off motion to Andy and give him a wink and a thumbs up.

You know in my day, after a husband lives through something horrific, his wife would take care of that for him. Should I write a prescription for that, Mr. Gibbons?

I love old people.

 

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  1. Salena says

    He needs a good story for that. Like I have a huge scar on my stomach from the surgery I had so me and the hubby tell everyone we got in to a bar fight and some guy ripped me open with a knife but I still kept fighting. It makes a great conversation.

  2. Desiree says

    Dude, that so happened to me a few years back, down to the unused nickname. I thought all the doctor shows would turn me into Nurse Jackie. Minus the drug addiction. Instead I froze and my husband had to drive himself to the hospital with a dusty rose dish towel on his bleeding face.

  3. Jennifer says

    OMG….seriously. I can’t even unclick on the picture…no!! I would have barfed and then he would have had to drive himself to the hospital wiping off my vomit. You are a brave out! Get well soon Andy!!

  4. says

    Such great writing, and awesome story! It was totally worth Andy almost having his arm amputated for our reading pleasure.

    Also?

    Thanks for the censored version of his arm. I peeked and wish I didn’t.

  5. Cas says

    I told myself.. dont click the link dont click the link.. I clicked the link and now I cant unsee what I saw and I almost passed out. I am not the one you come to if your finger fell off or there is any sort of blood.. I am the one who runs around in a cartoon panic circle and then I pass out too.

  6. Joy says

    I can’t stand the smell of blood. It would have been instantaneous vomiting! Even when my kids were small and would come in bleeding…….I would direct them to the bathroom and yell instructions through the door. A medical career was never going to happen for me.

  7. Larissa says

    Awww, shit. Now I have to watch Doc Hollywood to figure out exactly what happened to Andy… Gross pics, but you write soooo well.

  8. says

    Please explain this helicopter thing–Andy keeps a helicopter in the backyard? Did a little r.c. copter do all that damage? If so, I’m so not letting hubs fly his around the house any more!

    • Brittany says

      Yeah no, not the little ones. He builds large copters, called drones by the media, that carry cameras. This one had 8 motors and the propellers are carbon fiber. Which apparently slice through skin like paper. AS I HAVE NOW LEARNED.

    • jesse says

      Even the little electric ones are capable of surprising carnage. I use a heavy leather elbow length glove to pick them up now. It still stings if you get wacked but that’s how you learn. Just like sticking a fork in a light socket…. Or so my mother always said when I was a kid. That may explain a few things.

  9. Lisa says

    What Cas said! I told myself DO NOT LOOK…and I did. And I want to vomit. WHY do I do that?!?!?!?!? Awesome story. Please describe the helicopter. I’m intrigued.

  10. Chelsey says

    This happened yesterday!?!?! And I agree with Amy, how did this actually happen?!?! Yes, I want more gory details!

    • Brittany says

      I was not in the room so I didn’t see it happen, but apparently he was losing control of it, and didn’t want it to crash upside down because it was expensive, so he instinctively grabbed it. And it sliced and diced him.

  11. says

    Yep, clicked it. Surprisingly as a picture and not right in front of me in the for reals, I didn’t want to pass out. BUT when my daughter caught her hand in a metal door three years ago and the nail ripped off and the tip of her finger bone was sticking out, yeah, I couldn’t do that.
    No wonder you were distracted. OMG, how did the kids react?? Hope you’re all okay.

  12. says

    My brother-in-law flies RC planes and helicopters and one time the propellor flew off his and hit him in the abdomen and back. That was a trip to the ER. Boys and their toys. Their very dangerous, high-velocity toys. What’s even odder is that my brother-in-law is a pilot for a living and his hobby is flying RC flying things. I guess he really loves his job!

    P.S. I didn’t not click on the uncensored pic. Even reading this made me feel woozy.

  13. says

    It must be “posting gory story” day because I too posted one on my blog (about my husbands wedding ring ripping his finger off- true story). Hope your hubby feels better soon!

    • Michael says

      When I worked for Home Depot, part of the safety video we watched was about not climbing shelves and included an interview of someone who’d had that happen with his ring. Can’t wait to read your “gory story.”

  14. says

    Old doctors have seen it all.

    David cut the tip of his finger off with a saw one time. I came home to find blood and him missing. Called the hospital, drove myself there, and then the doctor made me leave the room. Fucker. I guess he thought I was going to pass out or something. I wasn’t.

  15. Johanna says

    I for sure clicked on the link. My dad’s a doctor and would always talk about gross medical things at the dinner table, so it takes a lot to gross me out. Looks like it hurt a helluva lot.

  16. AngieM. says

    good thing his left after is fine.

    also..that picture is awesome!! but i like looking at shit like that

    also also…get better andy, hope it heals quickly!
    OH…and you could totes youtube “how to remove stitches” there are tutorials…..i did this last weekend when i had the hubby remove some stitches i had on my finger :)

  17. Jo says

    Oh I empathize with you on the blood thing. I too can smell the dirty, mineral aroma of fresh blood. It totally envelops my whole nasal cavity and invades my taste buds.

    Glad you were able to make it to the hospital safely. Hope his recovery is speedy and uneventful.

  18. Sarah says

    OMG. I almost passed out reading that. Seriously, you are my hero. I will not be looking under the googly face.

  19. says

    That is pretty much what my leg looked like when I cut it open with my hockey skate (but since it was my thigh there was much more fat busting out). Ouch. Your husband is badass for handling it so well. I had a major panic attack.

  20. says

    Great story :) We’ve yet to have any major breaks or cuts in our married life. Hoping to keep it that way. Or at least, let our toddler have that fun for us.

  21. Jackie Kiddle says

    I know someone who works in PR got completely drunk on a girls night out and decided to scale a fence on a ‘shortcut’ home. She sliced off half a finger and her hubby had to go and retrieve it from the field behind their house, for the paramedics. Whenever I get shitfaced I always have to remind my husband, ” well at least you didn’t have to go and find a missing body part of mine in a field, think yourself lucky. Only a husband would do this – this sort of ER thing is not really right for a boyfriend to put up with.

  22. Heather says

    It looks like a smile. I really wrong, fucked up smile. He deserves a thousand hand jobs. Poor Andy!

  23. Lori says

    Okay, I guess I’m weird, but I think the injury looks a bit like a smile? And, yes, I HAD to click on the link…

    I’d still not make it as a nurse, though, I can handle blood but the other yucky body fluids would totally do me in :\

  24. says

    Oh my God…just, oh my God. And is it wrong that the fact that you mentioned Dr Hogue cracked my shit up???

    Tell Andy that when Pete saw the pic, he said Yikes…then cool

    Alice
    xoxo

  25. Heather says

    I’m such a pansy I’ve never been able to handle hearing these stories or seeing them on tv…who knew that would apply to reading them too? So light headed right now. Also my dad is a surgeon and my mom an ER nurse so they think my response to even hearing about blood is hilarious. Ass wipes. Props to you for getting him to the hospital though! I would deifnitely have fainted in the kitchen.

  26. Nidya says

    Mrs. Brittany (I knew you would love that part),

    I’m 25- I knew the day would come where I would have to write to you. Didn’t know it would be so soon. I thought I would be married w/ 3 kids..one of those named Gigi…which I would love beyond comparison….Buuuuttt… last night we argued and I kept saying you’re just an immature ape version of the man you’re supposed to be….according to her- Brittany, Herself. (No one else, just herself. ) Uhhh..this was going somewhere…umm let me see…I love you and I want to tell you that I am going…to go places…simply because of you! Gigi is a lucky girl and her brothers are the luckiest of men. It is not Mother’s Day yet in the USA…. but to Mothers worldwide….You are the best…all of you and I can’t wait to join.

    Love,

    Nidya Gonzalez
    San Miguel, El Salvador, C.A
    Houston, TX

  27. Michael says

    So funny! Well wishes to Andy. Good job getting to the hospital without crashing the car. I didn’t think too much about the photo, but my RN mom exposed me to a lot of gore as a kid. Ever seen stomach staple surgery? That’s a doozy.

  28. Caryl says

    Bahahahhahaaaaaaaaa!

    I heart that doc. I think he’s seen it all.

    BG, I think you get to take another one for the team….

    Caryl

    PS I did not look under the googly face.

  29. Lucia says

    I looked. Now I see the image of Andy’s arm superimposed on everything. Is that normal?
    Many years ago I got a bladder infection (my husband’s fault) and then I had a really bad reaction to the antibiotics and ended up swollen and itchy all over. My eyes almost swelled shut, and I forgot I had my contacts in. So I had to go to our family doc (again) to get some eye drops, and he wrote me two prescriptions, one for the drops, and the other for a piece of jewellery of my choice, to be chosen by me, but bought by my husband. My husband was doing quite well back then, so I chose a diamond band, which he still refers to as the highest price he’s every paid for s*x – classy, no?

  30. Eryn Sundman says

    Dear god this is the most hilarious story every. I’ve made that motion at my husband before but NEVER when other people could see. I would LOVE to have that doctor!

  31. says

    I love how you made the unedited version LIFE SIZED.
    I don’t want to scare you or anything, but I want to warn you that you have other male figures that live in your house and that species tends to be prone to accident. By the time my boys made it to kindergarten, I think CPS had started a file on us. Ten stitches in the chin, a concussion, car accident, so on and etc.

  32. Anna says

    Why did I click the link for the picture? Why?!?! Seeing that made my butthole shrink up a little bit.

  33. says

    I am one of the sick fucks who clicked on the picture and who was amazed by it. Blood never scared me and a hold in the body intrigued me, not enough to make a shit ton of money being a surgeon, but just enough to hold it together long enough to stare at their discomfort.

  34. Lydia says

    am I the only one who thinks that looks like an ankle and a heel? can’t work out where the hand is, unless that is just above the elbow on the right hand? *confused* and yeah, cool pic.. :)

  35. says

    1. Gross. I’m glad his arm is okay (it is okay, right?)
    2. Can’t help but love old men…..even though they get more inappropriate with age. :)

  36. jesse says

    I can sympathise completely. Set of five parallel scars up my forearm from a rc chopper that melted the controller after landing and spun up while I was reaching in. Good job getting him there.
    Talking point for the kids. I’ve shown my fosters those scars. The boys go “awesome, can we fly your helicopter.”. Fair warning.

  37. Ashley says

    I just clicked the uncensored picture. My god, WHY did I do that? Oh, I need ginger ale now. And a lie down

  38. AStace says

    That is so crazy. I would have been doing the same thing… My husband would have ended up driving himself especially if he was bleeding every where lol… I can’t do gory.

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