Jack Sprat could eat no fat.
His wife could eat no lean.
And so between them both, you see,
They licked the platter clean.
The other day, out of the blue, Andy asked me if I found him as attractive as I did in high school.
My immediate reaction was to laugh, which I did, not to be mean, but I thought, God what a ridiculous question.
He looked hurt and I felt like such a dick, but dude, I’ve never been on this side of the insecurity line before, I had no idea how to act, so I laughed out of awkward confusion. Like at funerals.
It was a MY GRANDMA’S DEAD I CAN’T STOP LAUGHING THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER laugh.
But yes, regardless, wrong reaction, especially toward someone who’s not only been, but lived indefinitely, on this side of the insecurity line before, and has handled me with grace and kindness and absolute patience for my many, many, break downs.
But in a way, I guess it was funny to me, because he’s obviously hot, and I’ve always felt lucky to have even turned his head, because, well… I’m sorta totally bigger than him.
Remember how we did that video a few years ago about how if there was a fire and the only pants I could grab in an emergency were Andy’s, I would be pantsless outside my burnt down house because I would never ever fit in his tiny jeans?
That is my life. Big girl. Little guy.
From the Honeymooners to King of Queens to The Flinstones, you just don’t see very many mainstream situations where the girl is the big part of the equation.
It felt horrible, like that people would wonder why on Earth he was staying with me. When we’d go out to eat, he’d order a steak and potatoes, and I’d order, like, a salad because I was afraid people would be all, ohhhh honey, noooooo.
So here we are now, and I’m seeing how ludicrous I was for the last fifteen years.
Do I find him as attractive as I did in high school, with his size 30 waist, boney arms and baby face?
Did he gain weight? Yes, thank God. Does he have salt and pepper hair? For sure, it’s sexy as hell, and I beg him not to dye it. He’s so much fucking hotter now, and if given the choice between High School Andy and Now Andy, I’d pick Now Andy every time.
The Andy with the sexy beard and the muscular arms and the eye crinkles.
(Insert epiphany here.)
Mrs. Sprat had a huge ass and a banging rack, and she probably didn’t wonder one iota why Jack stayed with her even though her pants size was bigger than his. And it’s about fucking time we all did the same.