So we do this thing as a family where we reduce each other to soundbites and mock each other.
When I say it like that it sounds… assy….
Ummm, it’s more like, we each are known for our own fun little quirks that we then get off on by portraying them in an exacerbated fashion in the confines of our home.
Like a roast, but with unconditional love.
Whatever, we make questionable parenting decisions, which is why the only two phone numbers they have memorized are 911 and the Chinese place in town, and why Wyatt wants to be Gene from Bob’s Burgers when he grows up.
Ok so, the odd part about this whole “roast” thing is that they never do me. I don’t know if it’s that they realized that if it comes down to it, I’m the one who could keep them alive longest in an Apocalypse or what, but there’s been this unspoken rule that they don’t imitate me. I must look super intimidating in real life, you guys.
Last night we were snuggled in our bed with the kids watching Modern Family, until we had to be all oh crap! and pause it because they were about to ruin the whole tooth fairy charade. Which honestly, wouldn’t be a bad thing, because I almost never have paper money and had to give Jude fifty cents, a subway token and six Skittles from the bottom of my purse last week when he lost his front tooth.
Anyways, one thing led to another and we were suddenly thirty minutes into a presentation of Shit Gibbons Say, with Gigi doing a dramatic reenactment of the way Jude jerks his head around outside, paranoid of wasps like they’re trackerjackers, followed by Wyatt scratching his pretend beard with one hand down the front of his pants in pure dad fashion.
Then Andy is all, hey guys, do mom, and the kids are all, nooooooooo, but I was like, no dude, do it, I mean, what can you do, show me how awesome I am?
Ok here’s the thing, if you every want to see what you actually look like to others, just ask your kid. Because they are like fucking sponges that soak in all your habits and remember everything you ever, ever, say.
Wyatt stepped up to the plate, toes pointed inward, hip slung out, twirling a pretend tendril of hair.
Oh my God you guys, I just sneezed out my tampon.
Ugh, bras are stupid.
Andy feel, I just felt something move in my tummy.
I just sat on the bed, blinking at him, mouth open.
Is that what I look like, Wyatt?
Holy crap, how weird am I, guys?
You’re my weirdest friend, mom, but I really like you.
Kids, man. They fuck with your mind.