Imitation is Flattery and also Totally a Red Flag About How Weird You Are.

by Brittany on May 2, 2013

in Parenting

So we do this thing as a family where we reduce each other to soundbites and mock each other.

When I say it like that it sounds… assy….

Ummm, it’s more like, we each are known for our own fun little quirks that we then get off on by portraying them in an exacerbated fashion in the confines of our home.

Like a roast, but with unconditional love.

three weirdos

Whatever, we make questionable parenting decisions, which is why the only two phone numbers they have memorized are 911 and the Chinese place in town, and why Wyatt wants to be Gene from Bob’s Burgers when he grows up.

Ok so, the odd part about this whole “roast” thing is that they never do me. I don’t know if it’s that they realized that if it comes down to it, I’m the one who could keep them alive longest in an Apocalypse or what, but there’s been this unspoken rule that they don’t imitate me. I must look super intimidating in real life, you guys.

Last night we were snuggled in our bed with the kids watching Modern Family, until we had to be all oh crap! and pause it because they were about to ruin the whole tooth fairy charade. Which honestly, wouldn’t be a bad thing, because I almost never have paper money and had to give Jude fifty cents, a subway token and six Skittles from the bottom of my purse last week when he lost his front tooth.

Anyways, one thing led to another and we were suddenly thirty minutes into a presentation of Shit Gibbons Say, with Gigi doing a dramatic reenactment of the way Jude jerks his head around outside, paranoid of wasps like they’re trackerjackers, followed by Wyatt scratching his pretend beard with one hand down the front of his pants in pure dad fashion.

Then Andy is all, hey guys, do mom, and the kids are all, nooooooooo, but I was like, no dude, do it, I mean, what can you do, show me how awesome I am?

Ok here’s the thing, if you every want to see what you actually look like to others, just ask your kid. Because they are like fucking sponges that soak in all your habits and remember everything you ever, ever, say.

Wyatt stepped up to the plate, toes pointed inward, hip slung out, twirling a pretend tendril of hair.

Oh my God you guys, I just sneezed out my tampon.

Ugh, bras are stupid.

Andy feel, I just felt something move in my tummy.

I just sat on the bed, blinking at him, mouth open.

Is that what I look like, Wyatt?

Um kinda?

Silence.

Holy crap, how weird am I, guys?

You’re my weirdest friend, mom, but I really like you.

Kids, man. They fuck with your mind.

 

Amanda May 2, 2013 at 12:13 pm

That is equal parts adorable and hilarious.

MaryAnne Kelly May 3, 2013 at 10:27 am

Thank you, you are beautiful and wonderful, now cloud we work on Victoria Secrets, I have emailed them so many times to make products for the full figured women and no reply….thank you for all you wonderful help its been great knowing u, keep up the great work…..

Rachel May 2, 2013 at 12:15 pm

Lol! Well, that is the pose you sport in your fashion showcases…

Kim May 2, 2013 at 12:17 pm

Too funny….Out of the mouth of babes.

Sonja May 2, 2013 at 12:20 pm

So awesome… and I had to do the same thing with Modern Family… I mean come on guys, you know kids watch it.

Taylor May 2, 2013 at 12:36 pm

Kids are the best!

Heidi May 2, 2013 at 12:36 pm

I am DYING!! HAHAHAHAH!!

Kyle May 2, 2013 at 12:36 pm

My husband always plays the straight man in our comedy duo and I’m like a combination between a mime and a drunk clown. My kids fall squarely in my camp as Finnegan wore a full astronaut jumpsuit and helmet to pre-kindergarten picture day. It was awesome. He is awesome. I’m proud my two are tiny weirdos and part of me can’t wait to unleash them on the world.

Lovelyn May 2, 2013 at 12:44 pm

That’s so funny. Kids will tell you the truth every time … except when they’re lying to try to get away with something.

BeccaG May 2, 2013 at 12:57 pm

hilarious and spot on, eh?! hahaha

Edmonton Baker May 2, 2013 at 12:58 pm

When they young they are awesome.
That is so you.
Have them do it each year and video it.

LouisianaMeredith May 2, 2013 at 1:01 pm

One of the BEST entries ever. I fucking love your family!

Jayme May 2, 2013 at 1:07 pm

Wow. That is awesome, yet I would be terrified as to what my kids would do for me.

Jeniece May 2, 2013 at 1:23 pm

Awwww, he called you his friend! Enjoy that.
Also, I FULLY support any child who wants to be any of the Belchers when they grow up. My goal is Louise, but I know I’m more of a Linda.

Alison May 2, 2013 at 1:24 pm

That is amazing. Kids are really the truest reflections of ourselves, although usually not that strong of an imitation. Love it.

Rae Ann May 2, 2013 at 1:39 pm

I heart this so friggin much.

Kathy May 2, 2013 at 1:40 pm

My 5year old niece is the best at telling family “secrets” …. She told my mom the other day that mommy is “the yeller” and daddy is “the sleeper”! Lol! She does the best impression of my sil “yelling” .. It’s hysterical. I say that’s their “punishment” for having an only child! That kid soaks it ALL in!!

Cindy G May 2, 2013 at 1:47 pm

Your kids ROCK! Obviously, they get it from you.
And now you have me thinking – my kids NEVER do me, either. They do their dad and each other, but never me. I don’t think I want to ask them to – I know how weird I am.

Nikki Mohamed May 2, 2013 at 2:04 pm

Good lord! I wept.

THANK YOU. You’ve made it quite clear that I should NEVER ask my kids to imitate me.

Larissa May 2, 2013 at 2:10 pm

That was so hilarious and also quite sweet all at once. Your kids are so amazing!! They obviously take after their parents (I’ve gotta give Andy some credit – they can’t be allllll you).

StrongerMe May 2, 2013 at 3:23 pm

Enjoy them NOT imitating you now because when they are teenagers, it’s like air to them. They can’t help it. Only it’s not always done with love.
I recently had one of those slow motion falls in my kitchen while talking on my phone. I think it takes skill to keep the conversation going despite a fall with the potential to require a hip replacement. I swear to God, if I see my kids fall in slow motion one more time, while laughing hysterically into a pretend phone, I’ll kill one of them.

Anna May 2, 2013 at 11:47 pm

Just picturing that made me shoot a little snot out of my nose! But I happen to think people falling down is the funniest thing ever!

DeltaJuliet May 3, 2013 at 3:54 pm

This is the funniest thing I’ve read/hear all day. Thank you :)

Oh and I hope your hip is ok lol

Jennifer May 2, 2013 at 3:51 pm

I’m too scared to ask my kids to pretend to be me. There’s some things that I just don’t need to know.

Tia May 2, 2013 at 4:37 pm

I’m dying over here! You guys could your own show!

Cari May 2, 2013 at 4:55 pm

Love it! I like to think kids who grow up in files like yours (and mine) will be the most FUN friends! Last night Finley, my 7 yo daughter told me I’m only awful like 2% of the time. I’m thinking that’s a pretty good showing on my end…

Cari May 2, 2013 at 4:56 pm

OMG- FAMILIES – not files – like yours… Shiiiiit.

CoftheU May 2, 2013 at 5:21 pm

Awww. I can totally see them going all Best Day on you. The Taylor Swift way, not the Spongebob way. Maybe the Spongebob way.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l4_6eQm7RTQ

Rebekah May 2, 2013 at 5:45 pm

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

AngelLeigh May 2, 2013 at 7:06 pm

Your kids rock shit. &&I since I’m childless & in my early twenties I never thought of how shows like that could spoil the fun kid-magic you get to pretend exists as an adult. See Dad Run is forever changed to me.

alicia May 2, 2013 at 9:34 pm

that is equal parts hilarious and scary. i cannot wait to have kids.

Jill May 2, 2013 at 10:58 pm

Seriously – I think I love you. You are so flipping real that I can honestly admit that I look forward to reading your posts every single day.

I laugh. I cry. I admire. This is obviously not the place to write this (should have just sent a PM). But lady. You gorgeous thing you … thank you.

Michael May 2, 2013 at 11:23 pm

Good timing for you to have posted this after I read this article: http://www.theglobeandmail.com/life/the-hot-button/daddy-remember-that-time-we-died-parents-share-creepy-things-their-kids-say/article11605213/
Oh, the fun stuff kids say!

Mary May 2, 2013 at 11:40 pm

I’m just glad I’m not the only one who has sneezed out a tampon.

Adria May 3, 2013 at 1:06 am

CRYING. Hysterical. I feel the need to try this.

Chris May 3, 2013 at 11:48 am

This is awesome. I’m half scared and half excited at all the truths that will come out of my daughter’s mouth once she’s able to talk. Little sponge, indeed.

Stephanie May 3, 2013 at 3:25 pm

OMG! I think I just wet myself laughing!! I’m glad I’m not the only one to say this stuff :)

nagehan May 3, 2013 at 4:21 pm

hahahaha! “I just sneezed out my tampon!”

tanya May 3, 2013 at 10:15 pm

I almost just peed my pants, and by almost I mean I did a little… hilarious :)

Deb May 4, 2013 at 10:43 am

I just wanted to say, you are a brave and beautiful woman for working a bikini! I am a curvy woman and have spent many years hating my body because of the media and “teasing” comments from my own family. I’m not quite ready to rock a bikini, but you have given me hope that I can soon. My husband thinks I’m beautiful just the way I am and that has helped me change my attitude toward my body.

Thank you!

Alexia May 4, 2013 at 11:45 am

That is so many kinds of awesome!

Catherine May 4, 2013 at 7:33 pm

Love your blog AND I added you to my blog roll, which is pretty big! :) keep up the writing. I laugh out loud in my office every time I read.

Catherine May 4, 2013 at 7:36 pm

Wrong website. oops. I went to the bars tonight. ha.

Nikki May 7, 2013 at 3:06 am

I have never been good at moderating what comes out of my mouth so having it played back to me by my future kids is a scary thought.

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