The Post Puberty Super Pre-Menopause Fedora?

by Brittany on April 22, 2013

in Chubby Girl, Fashion

Last week we had an 80 degree day. It’s back to 50 now, so let’s not get excited, but this is how Ohio works.

Dick teasing us with moments of warmth and sun, only to pull out at the exact moment you consider packing your winter coat away.

The warm weather was lovely, but it was also a stern reminder I am just not ready. I don’t want to shave above my knees yet. I don’t want to put deodorant under my boobs yet. I don’t want to embrace a Kid Rock Miley Cyrus Katy Perry song of the summer yet.

But I am ready to grill meat and stop having school drop off car line rage.

Wait, what’s that? You’re getting out of your car? Where are you going? You going in the school? Hey, what you’re looking for is called a parking spot. It’s still made of road, but it has stripes on it to direct you where you can stop and leave your car for an indefinite amount of time YOU SELFISH MOTHERFUCKER I WILL EAT YOUR FACE OFF.

So obviously, I’m conflicted about summer.

But, seasonal acceptance or not, I had to start preparing in the clothing department, so last Thursday I tricked Andy and Gigi into going out to lunch with me, by way of Gap, Old Navy, Target and Lane Bryant. You might think going clothes shopping alone would be easier, and in theory it is, but there’s something very Romeo & Juliet about seeing my husband slumped over the bench outside my fitting room holding my purse and a bored three year old; optimistic as I entered the room with twelve items, only to see me hand eleven of them back to the attendant.

Come on, what are you looking for, this is taking forever.

A fedora.

A fedora… like a top hat?

A top hat?

A Monopoly guy hat or a Sherlock Holmes hat, because I don’t know that either of those would look good on you?

It’s neither of those things, and I can’t believe you just called me ugly in hats after I just spent 20 minutes in there having body dysmorphia break downs while trying on shorts.

I dropped Andy and Gigi off to have lunch while I did the rest of my shopping solo.

Old Navy had some super cute fedoras, but they were tiny. Like, they probably used 9 month olds as their fit model. Same with Gap. I don’t like to label my head as “fat,” but I’m starting to think I have a super obese hair part that’s preventing me from living out this One Direction fashion dream.

By the time I reached Target, I had all but given up, and planned to use the remaining alone time eating Australian licorice in the face cream aisle, when I walked past display of hats, and decided to give it one more go.

Naturally, I had to first try on the hemp old lady visors and fringey cowboy hats, should I ever find myself drunk in a saloon with a mechanical bull just begging for me to go all Sissy from Urban Cowboy on it. And when I got to the fedoras, and one finally slipped on my head in a very not entirely Bruno Mars more like a sultry Mary Kate and Ashley in the Hamptons fashion, for $12, I had to buy it.

And for that one day, I dressed like summer.

Maxi Dress with FedoraI really, really love this jersey maxi dress, even though it’s a touch long on me (and in the pouring rain, holding it up got a little annoying, but whatever). The dress, itself, is pretty shapeless, so I relied on my boobs and hips to fill it out. Shapewear helped smooth things out a bit, as well. I usually only gravitate toward v-neck tops, but this lower rounded neck was actually flattering on me. In short, this dress looked like shit on the hanger, but after trying it on, I own it in three colors.

Dress: Maxi Tee Dress, size XL, Old Navy $29.94
Hat: Fedora, Target $12.99
Jewelry: Random bangles from Old Navy and Franchesca’s, plus the turquoise bracelect from POPSUGAR

If you want to hear me talk more about my fedora related teen angst, check out last week’s episode of Last Call Brittany.

 

 

Vicky April 22, 2013 at 10:35 am

I can so relate to car drop off line. There is no need to get out. Your kid should be ready to go. If they can’t, then park, but don’t hold the rest of us up.

I also am so not a shorts person. Even with the surface of the sun temps in Central Florida. No way no how. So I am going to check out the maxi dress. I’m only 5-3 though, so its a good thing my mom sews. She has to hem everything for me.

Mary April 22, 2013 at 10:43 am

I wear Fedoras all summer and always get mine in the mens section at Target. Those dinky lady hats never fit my head and apparantly Fedoras are geared towards skinny man-boy hipsters so even in the mens section they’re small. They’re always cuter than the womens hats and give me room to shove masses of long, curly out of control hair.

Brittany April 22, 2013 at 10:44 am

This is brilliant! It never even occurred to me to check the men’s department!

Bernadette April 22, 2013 at 10:48 am

yes! I get the man slice hats at at Target for the summer & there is ALWAYS a better selection of fedora/monopoly hats

Bernadette April 22, 2013 at 10:43 am

I can’t believe you didn’t opt for a manatee grey maxi dress! I thought you loved water mammals?

Brittany April 22, 2013 at 10:45 am

This is manatee grey, it’s just that, YOU KNOW, my Target no longer has a plus size section, though they sometimes toss plus size clothes into the maternity section, WHICH IS BASICALLY THE SAME THING OMGWTF!?

Desiree April 22, 2013 at 11:24 am

I HATE this! Dude, Target, you must be a dude setting the store because no lady in her right mind would subject our egos to this fuckery. I spent 27 months in maternity and now I NEVER WANT TO SEE IT AGAIN!

Rachel April 22, 2013 at 11:25 am

I’ve noticed how the lines between maternity and plus size blur at my Target too. Assholes.

DeltaJuliet April 22, 2013 at 1:58 pm

I’ve noticed my target starts out at the door with juniors (size 0, hello) and then progressively gets bigger until it ends at Maternity. I mean, I guess there is a method to the madness but come the fuck on.

Denise2Teach April 22, 2013 at 4:35 pm

I only shop for clothes online at Target because of their dumb assed store design now. And mid-menopausal chicas dig hats too.

Kelly Robin April 22, 2013 at 10:45 am

I found an amazing fedora at Target, of all places. White with a black band. Totally one if my new favourite possessions. At 30, I’m just now embracing fun clothes/accessories. Blacks and white polka dots, cat eye glasses a la Norma Kamali, bright red lips. This shit is fun!

Jen April 22, 2013 at 12:15 pm

I bought that same hat over the weekend! Love it!!

Caroline April 22, 2013 at 10:45 am

If you think the car drop off line is bad, I highly advise you to *never* drive in France… drivers here basically think it is acceptable to park ANYWHERE as long as they put their four-ways on. The right lane of a two lane road, in front of the entrance to our parking, the middle of a sidewalk, the highway… I even had one guy tell me, as I was madly honking for blocking off the entrance to my entire street “it’s oki ! I have my four way blinkers on ! thanks !”. Then he went into the bakery to get his bread for 5 minutes…

Alison April 22, 2013 at 10:46 am

Car drop off lines are the worst. So much rage. I’ve considered having special post-its printed with “pull ALL the way up, asshole” or “leaving your car on unattended is a crime, fucker.” But I think I’ll just keep it to myself.

Heidi April 24, 2013 at 8:36 am

I am totally with you on that. At my kids school there is always a teacher assigned to be out there during pick up and drop off to encourage people to pull all the way up and not leave their cars. Around this time of year they totally stop doing, they just stand there with their thumbs up their asses. So, of course the douche parents stop with 18 cars behind them at the beginning of the drive, leave their cars, etc. Drives me fucking crazy.

Jennice April 22, 2013 at 10:47 am

Brittany, you are just..too much,girl!!! I laughed during this entire post because I thought I was the only one who had to trick people into looking for one particular item with me without going all Naomi Campbell on ‘em. Thanks for the “good times” *in my Al Green voice*

Jennifer April 22, 2013 at 10:49 am

Lol at your “let’s do lunch but really I’m planning to shop” ploy!! Over the weekend, Bob had to get work done on his car, and he suggested the 3 of us “do something” while that was happening. In the process of planning lunch where we hadn’t eaten in forever (cough…Outback…cough), I somehow managed to pawn the energetic, chatterbox 5 yr old off on him while I shopped alone at Old Navy, TJ Maxx, Ulta, Ross and Michael’s. I was pretty proud of myself for finagling that outcome.

JenniferA April 22, 2013 at 10:53 am

I became obsessed with finding a straw fedora with a black band after seeing Kaley Cuoco wearing one and looking adorable. I ended finding one at Walmart for real cheap. I might go back and get the other band colors because it was so cheap. My Mom got me a cute black one for Easter.

Susannah April 22, 2013 at 10:54 am

I am in LOVE with the maxi dresses at SWAK designs. I think it’s the Joan Maxi Dress. Although I will make this disclaimer for it… you may need it hemmed as I am 5’11″ and I’m considering having MINE hemmed. But I adore it. I bought it in three colors.

Larissa April 22, 2013 at 11:20 am

I think I’m gonna have to go try on a freaking maxi dress…just to see if I look like the box that I think I will look like in it. I’m only 5 foot 4 1/2…I’m sure mine will need to be hemmed or tied up – how does that work? What do you use to tie it with? A hair elastic like the little girls use on their t-shirts?? Help!
Thanks for being our role model, Brittany!

Brittany April 22, 2013 at 11:22 am

Definitely try it on! And try on a size smaller as well, it’s pretty boxy, and open on top, so the smaller size may be best, I thought I’d need the XXL, but the XL fit way better.

As for tying, just do a knot off to the side. It looks so cute!

Dawn T April 22, 2013 at 11:33 am

Amen on the car lines! There are 2 lines at the middle school since 6th, 7th and 8th graders are capable of crossing in front of other cars without getting smashed. It seems, the rest of the school missed out on that part of orientation and everyone insists on lining up in the line closest to the school since apparently their kid can’t handle looking both ways. This blocks up the line for the 2nd row so those of us with functioning children have to sit there waiting on them.

I’m trying to be more patient lately since I’ve personally set out to be nice to everyone and when I freak in my car at someone else, it doesn’t do anything to them and just leaves the negativity out there for me and the universe to absorb. But no doubt the car line tests that resolve every day.

And cute hat and dress! I need more dresses.

Jaclyn April 22, 2013 at 12:12 pm

love the hat!

Marta April 22, 2013 at 12:38 pm

Couldn’t agree more about the car drop off/pick up lane. Notice how its not called the PARK lane. :-)

And love the fedora, love love love it. I always feel like I can’t pull of a hat, but maybe this summer (if it should ever come) is the time to really test that out.

Nikki Mohamed April 22, 2013 at 12:40 pm

My 12 -yr old likes your yellow bracelet….he said it looks like you strung mini-lemons around your wrist. I am soooo excited. We will be back in the Fort Worth area in 39 days and after I finally regain consciousness following my jet-lag induced coma, I will be heading to Old Navy to get me a maxi-dress. You look fantastic.

Loren B. April 22, 2013 at 12:58 pm

I have been HUNTING that exact dress. A t-shirt maxi with sleeves. Maybe I just suck at googling. You just saved my sanity. The weather here in TX has been dick-teasing us too. I’m in love with fedoras. On Thursday I bought 4 pairs of shorts for the first time in probably 8 years. I tried on a pair on a whim and liked them so much that I grabbed every color. It was all Twilight Zone in that dressing room. Get out of my head, Brittany Gibbons! Or don’t . . . yeah, never mind . . . keep it up!

DeltaJuliet April 22, 2013 at 2:02 pm

Ha! The school drop-off line…and here I thought I was the only insane mother who can’t deal with all the inconsiderate doofus parents. the funny thing is, one time I said “Screw it” and I parked in one of those spots for like 3 minutes. When I came out the School Officer was writing me a ticket. I’ve never seen him do this ANY OTHER TIME

DeltaJuliet April 22, 2013 at 2:04 pm

Hmmm….how did that publish? Anyway. I was pissed and let him know but nope, he didn’t really care.

And I live in Maine. Last week it was in the 60′s and I told my son, give me your winter coat so I can wash it and put it away. I did this yesterday. And today it was 30. Damn it!!!

Jessica April 22, 2013 at 8:52 pm

80 degrees today, 60 tomorrow. ADORE Texas weather! I love the hat and the maxi dress reminds me of all of the t-shirts that I buy from Old Navy to pass off as professional dress (seriously. Why must I dress like I work in a fancy office when I teach Kindergarten???). How exactly do you tie them? I would fear that I’d tie it funky and either trip all day or look like a celebrity on the red carpet whose dress is to tight and I have to scoot all day. I’m such a fashion victim.

Angie April 22, 2013 at 9:14 pm

Am loving that whole outfit! Pity they don’t have that dress available in Australia.

Leslie April 22, 2013 at 9:14 pm

Just last week, I rolled my window down and screamed SLOW DOWN to this nutcase that was riding my ass near the school. I was waiting at the stop sign to turn left, she needed to turn right so she blew on her horn and nearly hit my car trying to go around me to turn right, as she blazed past me, I rolled my window down and screamed SLOW DOWN and laid on my horn right back at her. My 9 year old said, “WOW, I’ve never heard you scream like that!!” School zone, school pick up drop off lines bring out some sort of deep down rage in me! lol And don’t get me started on the kid that has had 10 minutes waiting in line to get to the front of the school, surely in that 10 plus minutes they could have said all they needed to their mom, kissed and hugged her AND gathered all their belongings so they could pop out of the car when they got in front but NO! They hug, they kiss, they slowly get their junk together and get out! Move on already!
I’m really not an angry person in my other life, just in car pool line!
**
On a clothing note, I got a great maxi sundress from tee for the soul, they have a few cute plus size choices, love the material and the colors. Also LOVE fedoras for the summer and winter, I usually shop in the men’s sections but Target often has some cute ones in the women’s section.

Ginny April 22, 2013 at 9:17 pm

The way you’ve pulled down the brim of the hat makes it look more like a cloche – they are a more exclusively feminine cut and worn close to the head. I am also of Large Head and Thick Hair, and I found one (though wool, in the winter) off the rack at Charming Charlie’s – if you’re looking for an excuse to continue expanding your summer headwear wardrobe, there ya go. :)

Amy April 22, 2013 at 9:57 pm

Your hips and boobs did a mighty fine job! In that dress I would look pregnant :( Got the boobs going on but also the gut.

Ahh the drop off lane. Sure as hell don’t miss those days!

Diandra April 23, 2013 at 3:37 am

That’s not obese hair, that’s a giant brain. I know what you are talking about, same problem here… we are just too damn smart. ^^

meleah rebeccah April 23, 2013 at 12:21 pm

love the hat AND the dress!!

LouisianaMeredith April 23, 2013 at 2:44 pm

I feel your weather pain–up until Sunday here it was COLD and I loved it. Today, hot and HUMID. Trust me, you don’t know humid until you come to Louisiana!!

Love the entire clothing/accessory items!! You can rock a fedora, Rosalie!!

As for driving to school, thank GOD that’s a done thing–my son’s in college and my significant other’s son, whom I’ve raised practically since he was 3 months old, can drive so his Dad bought him a truck. It’s bittersweet–I miss our discussions to and from school! However, there is no longer a threat of me going to jail for “cutting a bitch” who cannot follow simple drop off/pick up procedures despite the fact that most of the idiots we had trouble with had children attending this school for YEARS and the procedure NEVER changed, nor did their inability to do it right!

Gotta check out my Old Navy this weekend….would probably have better luck on line as the XL items here are ordered in small quantity and are usually gone by the time I actually make it to store.

Off to Denver for work next week–packing (i.e. clothing choices) is already giving me a headache!

Carla April 23, 2013 at 3:11 pm

FYI: Charming Charlie’s has a great selection of hats. I took my girls in to choose a hat each and they were in hat heaven. They have little girls sizes and adult sizes.

Amy April 23, 2013 at 5:45 pm

The hat is a no from me, I’m afraid but the sexy dress is two thumbs pointing straight up to the sky. You look hot!

Jaymi Naciri April 23, 2013 at 11:10 pm

So glad I found this blog. I’m crying laughing, and relating to everything. Only you saod it funnier than I would have.

Oh, and cute fedoras in peach and green at Target today. Fit my fat head just fine.

k April 30, 2013 at 1:39 am

The Fedora is so so you…very cute!

Heidi Corcoran May 13, 2013 at 6:20 pm

I have the same problem with hats, most women’s hats don’t fit me. And I tried on those same stupid Old Navy hats yesterday. I finally gave up and bought one for my 19 month old son instead, the women’s small fit him perfectly!

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