Open Mouth Kissing My Thirties

Andy and I are the same age. Born a mere 23 days apart.

But if you ask Jude, our math savant son… Andy is 32. I am 30. So, fine, I lied about my age to my six year old son who could give all of zero fucks about the number. But, I cared and got weird about it.

I’m that woman. Turning 30 was really hard for me. It’s not even so much about getting old, though these eye bags can die in a fire, but rather the irrational anxiety I have about mortality and time.

Mentally, I’m not aging gracefully. I’m aging like fucking Bruce Vilanch waking up each morning to a new group of Facebook birthday reminders. In other words… super obnoxiously and probably with facial hair.

So you’re going to be, what… 31 this year then?

No, I wanted to be 30 one more time.

Yeah, that won’t fly with Jude, he’s too smart.

Honestly Andy, we have got to stop sending them to school, it’s ruining everything.

I sighed and stared out the window, Gigi’s head in my lap, as I played with her hair on the couch in the sun room. We’ve cut it three times and it’s still down to her butt like the Renesmee Andy never had to eat out of me.

She’s a tiny you.

I know.

And then it hit me.

She’s beautiful and smart and funny and graceful and witty and brilliant, and for 4 years I nodded my head in agreement with every Joe off the street who told me she is exactly like me… when I thought exactly none of those things about myself.

I was a terrible under-thirty year old, and here I’ve spent years holding onto and mourning a youth that, in actuality, largely sucked. It was 29 years of being horrible to myself, replacing moments that should have been wonderful with memories of starving myself to fit in my wedding dress, or sobbing in the car as we brought our baby home from the hospital because I still looked pregnant in my black faded maternity gauchos.

My friend Audrey told me once that you don’t count as a person until you are 30. At the time, I thought she was just saying that to make me feel better and to slowly back away from the knife block, but she was right.

If I were to sit down and draw a line down the center of a piece of paper and make a list of everything I achieved in my 20’s versus everything I’ve achieved in my 30’s (which by the way, I won’t, because it’s 2013 and I forgot how to use crude writing instruments), the 20’s side would be comprised of untagged Facebook photos and the word fat all smeary from tears and donut cream, while the 30’s side would boast things like writer, spokes model, advocate, travels show host, TED speaker, entrepreneur, and of course, more donut cream.

I wasn’t brave enough to do any of those things before thirty. Time to refocus, because I’ve clearly been doing it wrong this whole time.

I’m going to be 32… and I’m still figuring out parenthood. In fact, I fail more than I succeed, but I do it with such epic flare, that you can’t even tell I messed up, what with all the pyrotechnics and second place contestants from America’s Best Dance Crew popping and locking about.

I’m going to be 32… and I have an amazing career that I’ve built myself. My inlaws may not know how to describe me to friends and it may not fit on the employer line of my kid’s soccer emergency medical form, but that doesn’t make it less legitimate.

I’m going to be 32… and I’m in love with my husband again. While technically I was never out of love with him, it seems like there were a few years in there where we were more like two eunuch roommates working the night shift together at a baby making laboratory. But, I’ve found that marriage is a circular thing, and with time, and our kids becoming more independent, we eventually come back around to the kind of raw sexual attraction we had as newlyweds, give or take our energy level or a new season of Downton Abbey.

I’m going to be 32… and I don’t give a fuck what you think about my body. Keep it to yourself, or don’t, if that’s what you need. If in your mind you need me to feel about myself the way you feel about yourself, because that makes it hurt less, so be it. But for the sake of my daughter, I’m over this woman on woman genocide. While men sometimes chime in with the always biting superficial generalities like “you’re fat” or “you’re ugly,” it’s girls and women who are better crafted for emotional terrorism. Slicing away at the achilles until our victims are left feeling completely devoid of value and unfit for love, friendship, or in extreme cases, air. And then something catastrophic occurs and we all sit around shaking our heads wondering, how did this happen? How did we get here? This is how. Knock it the fuck off.

I’m going to be 32… and I’m okay with being more spiritual than religious. When asked, I always joke that I am Catholic by tuition, but the truth is, nothing fits right now. I’m content with that, and so is God. He totally told me.

I’m going to be 32… and I have less close friends than I did in college, and I couldn’t be happier about that.

I’m going to be 32… and I’m way better in bed than I was at 22. I finally just accepted that shit is going to flap around and jiggle. Now, instead of worrying where my nipples are pointing or if you can see my vagina in the dark, I have the confidence to be a little bit selfish and a whole lot adventurous. So yeah, go ahead and stick your finger in there. Better yet, stick two.

I’m going to be 32… and I’ve never felt more beautiful.

Gigi and Me

I’m almost 32… and it took a 4 year old to teach me that.


Facebook Comments



  1. Jennifer says

    Holy shit. I think this is one of the best things I’ve ever read here. Very eye opening. Hopefully after reading this my 28 year old self can suck it up and learn to love myself.

  2. Jess says

    I’m not 32. I’m 25. But I am trying like hell to make my body fit in my wedding dress. But my new favorite quote of all time will now be “I don’t give a fuck what you think about my body…”
    Now if only I could really not give a fuck. You are inspiring me to find the confidence that you have to live life beautifully. Thank you.

    • says

      I thought to hell that I was going to make a huge deal about my size on my wedding day. I made a bunch of huge promises and even told myself that I would order the dress a size smaller. I didn’t, and it was possibly the best thing I ever did. I didn’t have to stress about what I was eating while trying to plan a wedding long distance with my mother-in-law and my aunt. You are beautiful no matter what—and nobody cares what the tag inside of your dress says, just rip it out!

  3. says

    This is great! I haven’t quite made it to thirty by around a year and a half, but this is exactly how I have felt for a long time. The only time period when I was complimented about my appearance, or even just randomly hit on by strangers, was when I starved myself down to a size six. Sometimes I catch myself going back to that mentality of that’s where I need to be. Then I think to myself “Fuck them! I don’t need their crap.” I haven’t quite made it out of the love/hate cycle, but I’m getting there. Your blog helps. Much love to ya! You make us all feel pretty inside and out.

  4. Amanda says

    I know people say this a lot, and it always kind of makes me roll my eyes just a little, but I’ll be damned if I didn’t just tear up. I’m 28, and the spectre of 30 has horrified me for years. I’m not done being a kid, I can’t be an adult -who would EVER let me be an adult?- and you can’t be a kid if you’re 30. But holy shit… I *hated* my ‘youth.’ It was awful. It’s full of terrible memories and experiences and hating myself and the people around me and just so, so much hurt. The years since 25 have been better, infinitely better, because of my son… and I think the years after 30 will be fantastic. I’m not going to cling to this hope that the youth I thought I wanted or deserved will show up if I just sink my claws in hard enough. Being an adult is awesome. I’m the mother of the coolest three and a half year old in the ENTIRE world, and he adores me. The me I am to him, not the me I was before him, who was kind of mean and sad and self harming and miserable… Which has to mean this me is better. I’m rambling. I’m sorry. My mind is still currently blowing. Thank you for writing this.

  5. says

    Oh lordy, I laughed so much when I read this post. I can’t believe I hadn’t found this blog before.

    When I turned 30 (sadly, almost 8 years ago now) I got this letter from my aunt in California. It was a classic. It literally said “My Dear Johanna, I’ve been talking to your mother and we have discussed your life. Darling girl, now that you are thirty years of age, it’s time to find a life partner. Look around.” In other words: Get married and have kids, you old maid!

    The best thing was the newspaper clipping she’d attached to the letter. It was titled “How to Meet People” and had all sorts of suggestions about chatting up strangers in coffee bars, etc. The strangest tip was about striking up conversations with people at gas stations. (Obviously my aunt, who lived in a mansion in San Jose, had never been to the small village where I lived in Spain, or seen the dodgy characters hanging out at the gas station. I mean the place had a BEER BOTTLE VENDING MACHINE.)

    Anyway, alls well that ends well. I managed to pick up a man at a local bar. The poor sucker now has a writer, a baby and a sausage dog living in his house. Bet he didn’t see that one coming!

    Cheers for a great blog. Really enjoyed this post and look forward to reading a few more now…

  6. daisy says

    Thank you. You are beautiful. So are the rest of us. Thank God for children they teach us so much more than we teach them.

  7. Lindsey says

    So..I’m turning 35 this year and I am really trying to be where you are (as you are an inspiration to all women; us curvy varieties especially). 30 did not scare me….in fact, it liberated me as that was the year that I divorced a man that probably had always been wrong for me and I found myself again. I have grown quite a bit in the last 5 years but have a bit to go…..thank you for being so candid, vulnerable and real!

  8. Shirley B. says

    Wait til you hit 42 girlfriend! Believe it or not, it only gets better! You’ve got it right for sure chicka. Fuck. Them. All.

  9. Anna says

    My 30s have been my best years ever. Now I’m getting closer to my 40s, though (turning 39 this summer), and I’m worried that they won’t be as awesome. I’m starting to feel a little frumpy. I know I just need to take the time to take better care of myself, because that shit isn’t inevitable. Think I’ll take a little inspiration from a young thing like you! ; )

  10. says

    beautifully said. I hope that I can come to terms with things like these as the next 4 years pass. Thank you for yet again being such an inspiration!

  11. Al says

    I am going to be 35, and I have a one year old daughter who shows every sign of being what I wish I could recognize in myself. What you wrote just made me cry I am so proud of how you can speak your mind so it resonates to others. “Girls and women are crafted for emotional terrorism” is the best line I have read in years. Anywhere. And I am a kind of professional reader-person.

    I wish I could elect you President. Or Pope. Thank you, thank you.

  12. Allison says

    I am almost 32….. and I am learning to love who I am and who I have worked so hard to become. I am learning to start looking at my self the way my 3 yearold does. Learning to love myself and all my flaws.

    You have given this size 12 lady the courage to put on a bikini this summer and enjoy the beach with my daughter and not hide under layers of clothing. You are inspirational! you are amazing. All I have to say is thank you for being you!

  13. Mandy Stonehocker says

    I’m going to swap your 32 for a 35 and start working my shit out. I don’t have a daughter, but I have 3 sons who will hopefully one day down the line give me at least ONE daughter-in-law. I now realize I have to be that example of what to look for in a woman. Confident, independent, spiritual, kind, loving, and HAPPY with herself.

    Your journey is the journey of a million beautiful souls. Thank you for taking that first step, you sexy beast!!

  14. says

    I absolutely love your friend Audrey, she just made me feel a shit-ton better about myself. But seriously, great post, here’s to enjoying our beautiful selves exactly as we are! (that picture is wall-worthy btw, I absolutely love everything that’s going on in there!)

  15. LouisianaMeredith says

    To quote Aro in “Breaking Dawn P2–the movie”: “Magnifico!!!!”

    I am 47 and I didn’t start feeling this way until I turned 40 and each year is more liberating. I am a divorced mother, I was a Board Certified English Teacher whose students still, some 20 years later stop me to tell me that I impacted their lives, I started a TV station–was news anchor/talk show host/news director/programming director then I went on to create and open my own medical marketing consulting firm which now has many prestigious clients, both in and out of the US, I have helped my significant other raise his very young son into a very fine young man, all the while doing the same for my very creative musician son. I have been physically amazing and fat and am working on getting a body that pleases ME. I have never felt more comfortable in my skin. (I also want to thank you for being a part of my inspiration there.)

    THANK YOU for putting my feelings into words.

  16. Melissa says

    Love this one. Congratulations! Well said, well thought. Glad you had the wisdom to learn from the teacher.

  17. says

    I will see your 32 and raise you, well rather more than I would care to admit to. I did not fully realise it at the time but your 30’s are a great time. You really are still young, your body will respond to exercise and diet if you do it properly, and it is an age when you can start to appreciate yourself for what you are. Enjoy!

  18. says

    –>When I was in my 20s, an older lady told me that when I get to 30 I can say whatever I want because I’ll stop trying to please everyone. She was right. I stopped trying to make everyone else happy and put myself first. I’m three years from 40 and looking forward to the next chapter.

    Great picture with your mini-me too.

  19. Leah says

    I was in my 20’s during the “Friends” age. Though I was not a religious viewer, I did take something of value away from all my “Friends.” At 28/29 you are in your LATE 20’s and it is all doom and gloom. And you keep thinking, “Oh shit, 30.” However, at 30 you are in your EARLY 30’s. You’re a newborn baby to this decade. Life is good; you’re young. So now that I’m newly 38, I’m back to the LATE part again… and I’m really OK with that. Just makes me sorta exited to see what 40 will bring.

  20. Carrie says

    Thank you for such an honest post! The way we treat ourselves, and allow others to treat us, can be downright shameful. This is so inspiring to me, as I turn 30 later this year. Thank you for showing me it’s ok to not have things figured out, to be a little overweight, etc.

  21. Claudia says

    I’m a lurker from waaaaay back and that kick-ass post has me so stoked that I had to comment. You’re brilliant and beautiful. I love your words and I feel the same way. I’m 44 and I lived that fear and insecurity for most of my life. I love you for saying those words and for empowering your daughter. I do the same for my daughter, too. xoxo

  22. Jen says

    I just love this. You really nail it. I am so happy that I randomly stumbled across your website a few months ago…continually makes me laugh, think and question all the long-held beliefs I hold about myself. My daughter will be 4 this July and I so need to be her example of how to treat herself, think about herself…all those things.

  23. Katie says

    Beautiful entry, and the picture at the end is gorgeous. Someone should so make that a print and sell it because I would totally hang a picture like that on my wall. I don’t know who takes your photos for you (I assume Andy) But they are awesome. You and Gigi together are fabulously gorgeous!

  24. Caroline says

    You have inspired me to live in my 20s like you are in your 30s. To feel beautiful and confident when standing next to my size 6 friends. Because having big boobs rocks. <3

  25. Mandy says

    Man, reading this made me feel good! I’m 42 and starting to say fuck it! I don’t care if you think I’m beautiful but I do! Love your attitude and your bikini! You rock.

  26. 5lita5 says

    I love you. I found you through the story about bikini madness and just had to come and find you and now I find that there’s more drama about aging! LOL! I absolutely adore you Princess Brittany! You are about to become one of my favorite people to read!
    I my love am 52 and I weigh 220 lbs and am having the time of my life, even though my knees are pretty much shot and desperately need replacing & I’m certain I have any number of other things wrong with me but I can say that at this stage in my life I am happy with who I am, I love myself, I think I am more beautiful than I was at 20, and the sex is SO good!
    So please, do not fret about being 32. 32 is actually quite a good age to be at… I’ll tell you in advance… 40 really kind of sucks.. but once you get past there.. its all pretty much easy. I think you’re gonna be fine. You have a beautiful family, you are a gorgeous woman with fabulous curves (like mine (lol)), and you’ve got this bangin’ hot blog!! What more could you ask for?
    Keep rockin it babe!


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