The Brazilian

by Brittany on April 12, 2013

in Chubby Girl, Fashion

I’ve always been a shaver. It’s easier, cheaper, and I can do it myself, which is typically how I like to address my vagina outside of an intercourse or baby-coming-outta-it setting. For those things, I’ve found the involvement of others is best.

I tried waxing once in high school…sorta. Of the various awesome things to come out of the 90′s (hello Crash Bandicoot ), Nads had to be one of the best. In theory. So, Nads was like, this heatless wax goo invented by some Australian lady for her hairy daughters. You just spread it on and pulled the hair off, super easy.

So, I secretly bought some and holed up in my bedroom to try and give myself a bikini wax, because a hairless cookie ranks high on the list of shit I didn’t want to talk to my parents about. Along with birth control pills and lost tampons. I’d have to figure it out on my own.

However, once I spread it on, I couldn’t get it off. I used the cloth strips and even trying to scrape it off, but it just globbed on there for days. Eventually things started sticking to it. Like balls of cotton and loose change. My vagina had become a junk drawer of artifacts.

I swore off waxing.

Technically, life should have gone along well enough after that. I was destined to be a shaver, so I’d do one big shave, and then keep up with it every few days to keep things manageable. But that never happened, I was simply too lazy.

Every shave was the “big” shave, and I would exit the now freezing cold 40 minute long shower covered in chunks of hair like a Sasquatch with tennis elbow.

I wanted a wax, but I had so many fears. What if my vagina looked weird? What if she had to lift my stomach or thighs to get to it? What if it smelled odd because I was so fucking nervous I just sweated everywhere?

I would casually inquire around to friends who mentioned having it done, but there’s no classy way to ask, “so hey, did they have to lift your fat up, or was the table inclined so everything just kinda rolled back on it’s own?”

Chubby girl foreskin, it’s a big, sweaty palms, sort of deal.

Eventually I figured the only way I was going to get all the answers I needed, was to just go do it. So, I made some calls until I found a waxer who not only did Brazilians (many only offered bikini waxing, which is not the same, they only wax what is seen coming out of a bikini), and was willing to let me video tape it. Not it, but my experience.

Also, you’d be surprised how many people have existing “company policies” about video taping your own Brazilian wax. As if it’s a situation that comes up often.

Note: There is no flattering angle to tape a waxing, especially if you are trying to not show your nut snuggie on youtube.

So here’s what I learned.

1. Don’t worry about somebody looking at your vagina or your fat. Not only have they probably seen way worse (trust me, unless there’s a baby leg hanging out, you’re not the “worse”), but they are really just focused on the hair and following the direction it grows so that can wax you properly.

2. Also, don’t worry about the smell. I mean, worry about the smell if it’s suspicious and you need a doctor or something, but we all have scents, and before you even get your wax, you’ll most likely have to wipe your self down with cleansing wipes or powder, then put on paper underwear, and everything is kosher. Trust me.

3. A Brazilian wax means they wax everything, including your butt… because apparently there’s still ape hair there, wtf evolution? I know you think it will be embarrassing, especially if, say, you have a really really cute post-kid hemorrhoid there or something, but it’s not. And it’s also the least painful area they wax.

4. It hurts. It’s tolerable, but stings. They say that the more you do it, the less painful it becomes, that could be because less hair comes back, as waxing destroys the hair follicles, but the first time kinda blows. If I had to compare it to something, I would say less painful than a tattoo, but more painful than a eyebrow wax. The worst place being the front of your vagina, the least painful being everything between your legs, inside the lips, and your butt.

5. You don’t have to be waxed completely bare, but if you want a strip or shape left on top, it can sometimes take longer as they work around the design. I know, the thought of being hairless felt a little pedo-feely to me, also. But…

6. It’s amazing. I really didn’t have any life changing expectations about this, and I roll my eyes when people tell me it feels “cleaner,” but it actually does, and I swear I went down two jeans sizes. Peeing was weird at first. I don’t know why, but I went from having a normal stream of pee to what can only be described as the sprayer thing attached to your sink that has, like, one wonky-clogged spray hole that makes it go all weird. It’s cool now, but I needed goggles for a while until I got things under control. It’s fabulous. Even my husband, who winced at the idea of me spending $60 to be skinned alive, loves it. A lot.

We talked about Brazilian waxing and more on last night’s episode of Last Call, if you missed it, you can check it out here!

Lori April 12, 2013 at 8:36 pm

Been there, done that and this was the funniest thing EVER! I’m in tears from laughing! But seriously, it is nice afterward.

Jane April 12, 2013 at 9:14 pm

Umm, so I think you are my new hero! I am usually a lurker on your blog, sit up late at night and read it quietly giggling while everyone else is sleeping, but I just had to finally buck up and say something… I think you are a life changer- in the best way possible. I bought a curling iron…me who never even uses a hair dryer! Hair clips and scrunchies for me for like, 20 years now. But, I mistakenly was giggling while the hubby was awake and shared your video with him… He says he will make an appointment for me to get my lady parts waxed right now, and he will foot the bill! How cool is that? Thank you for being an inspiration to rock my curves!

Dawn April 12, 2013 at 9:38 pm

I do all my own waxing – eyebrows, pits and bikini. I used to do Brazilian, but I just can’t torture myself that way anymore. Plus waxing your own butt is difficult. Doable, but difficult.

Corrine April 12, 2013 at 10:15 pm

You are the bravest chick ever!!

vanessalillian April 12, 2013 at 10:59 pm

The first time I had a Brazillian my life flashed before my eyes and I got that feeling you get when you fall on your butt, like you’ve been punched in the stomach. But it does get better, and the awesomeness after makes it worthwhile. Mind you, once you find a good waxer, don’t let her go. I’ve had the occasional butcher along the way and that has not been fun.

Unfortunately with the awesomeness can come ingrowns. I’m prone to them, most people aren’t, so I’m waiting it out until I can afford laser hair removal. Maybe I’ll take a leaf from your book and YouTube the experience :)

wendy April 13, 2013 at 1:53 am

Brittany, you never fail to amaze me! lol btw the first time I tried a Brazilian I vomited every four letter word I could! Lol

Elaine A. April 13, 2013 at 10:47 am

OW. And also? I kept expecting you to yell out “KELLY CLARKSON!!!”

stephanie April 13, 2013 at 3:16 pm

slow clap….hilarious! I have never waxed anything due to fear, however I did try Nads on my husbands face. He thought it would be easier than shaving. I thought it was just fun…who doesn’t want to spread wax on their mans face and yank it out? I guess that makes me weird? Either way, it didn’t work. He got angry and let me try Nair instead. This man LOVES me! I admire your nads…Bravo!

Ceece April 13, 2013 at 6:34 pm

Hell yes. Thank you. Someone else finally talks about it so I know I’m not the only one. I try to convince all my girl friends to do it, because seriously. It’s amazing. Thank you for recording it, now my husband will know the sacrifice!

Kimberley April 13, 2013 at 9:28 pm

Way to go! Thanks for broaching a subject I generally shy away from. For me, the pain was excruciating, so am going ahead with laser!!

Caryl April 14, 2013 at 1:03 am

Haaaaaa!!!! I still won’t do it. Did laser for the bikini (yay, groupon!) and that worked great!
You, my friend, are a super studette!

Martika April 14, 2013 at 9:13 am

Oh my god. Maybe I did it wrong? I definitely went in for my first brazilian a few weeks ago and had a HORRIBLE experience. She made me hold myself (wtf), and it was quite literally the worst pain I’ve ever felt. EVER. Then, everything broke out in these little bumps.

You are so lucky to have had a good first experience. I will never go back. HAIRY VAGINAS UNITE!

Christy April 14, 2013 at 11:57 pm

You are one brave, fricking hilarious woman. Thank you!

Vicki April 15, 2013 at 9:56 am

I’ll be snickering all day when I think of this post!

serafinadellarosa April 15, 2013 at 12:46 pm

Here’s the deal- the vagina is an internal area, the birth canal, the highway to the uterus. The vulva is what’s getting waxed.
Thanks. Maybe someone else has mentioned it but I didn’t feel like going through all of the comments to see if the subject has been mentioned.

audra April 15, 2013 at 1:16 pm

First I have to wear a bikini this summer…and now I have to get a Brazilian. Thanks Brittany!
My husband thanks you too. :-)

Gemma April 15, 2013 at 1:32 pm

The funniest “this is the weirdest porno I’ve ever shot” HHahahaha!

Liz April 15, 2013 at 2:17 pm

I bow to you. You are freakin’ brave. And No. I. Will. Never. Ever. Wax. My. HooHa. (Like, never.) But yay for you, Brittany!

Erin April 15, 2013 at 9:00 pm

I am a huge proponent for waxing (I live in Florida and a bikini in the summer, even though I am a busty lady with curves). It’s the only way to not end up with razor burn that looks like an angry std. You make that mistake once, I tell you. My trick to getting waxed, and listen closely: this is not where you nickel and dime. I was so scared the first time, but did a Yale Masters candidates amount of research before deciding on a high end salon in my area. The extra $20 resulted in zero yelps, screams, or fucks. I’ve never looked back. Even when my I discussed my distaste for my boss and job with the waxer and she insisted on praying to her god that I find a new job. I assumed she meant she’d pray in church that Sunday. I was wrong. She prayed over my naked vagina.

bethany April 15, 2013 at 11:48 pm

I haven’t commented in ages (although I always read). I think I love you even more.

Michael April 16, 2013 at 12:13 am

Sorry for the schadenfreude, but that’s one of the funniest things I’ve ever seen. “Ohmygodhowisthereevenhairinsidethere!”

meleah rebeccah April 16, 2013 at 7:11 pm

absolutely friggen hilarious!!

Jessica April 17, 2013 at 11:48 pm

I love the, “Build up your vagina tolerance Meredith… this shit’s happening”

I don’t know if I could ever do it.

I’m a chicken.

Erin April 22, 2013 at 11:46 pm

I just watched the video again while killing time at the laundromat and now the hobos that come in here to crash at night are staring at me funny because I am literally crying from laughing so hard. I should also mention I’m wearing headphones so no one can hear the reason I’m laughing, which probably only makes it weirder.

Rachel April 23, 2013 at 9:48 pm

OMG – you just gave me some courage! LOL Great video and thanks for sharin!

Midge April 24, 2013 at 11:44 pm

I did it once. It was right before my wedding (thinking, yay, honeymoon, right?) and it was so red and bumpy and horrible that my husband and I called it The Land of Mordor. Let me repeat: on our honeymoon.

NEVER again.

Paula April 28, 2013 at 6:53 pm

I’m laughing so hard my throat hurts! That’s seriously the funniest thing I’ve ever seen. I love your blog. LOVE. IT.

Jessica May 2, 2013 at 11:21 am

OMG. You are my most favorite person EVER. I was just thinking to myself that I wanted to try this but needed to lose weight first before I did it. Your video is priceless and I laughed and cried tears of laughter the whole way through. THANK YOU for doing this!

Madrid May 3, 2013 at 3:24 pm

Yes. Everything about this post is just…YES.
I did the whole shaving battle plan the same way you did, and then I decided to try hard wax myself.
NO. DO NOT DO THAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR VAG.
So I too broke down and had a professional wax. I was a slight more comfortable with it; the same girl does my spray tans and I hate tan lines, so she’d seen me completely naked, but not spread eagle.
All in all, this is probably the best post I’ve read and I’m dying at my desk while my co-workers think I’ve finally gone of the deep end (there’s not much more to go before I do).
Thank you, Brittany. Please, for the love of everything, stay awesome and I can’t wait to read more!

Kelly May 7, 2013 at 2:15 am

“Can you do a lightening bolt so Andy knows where to stick his Patronus!” Best line ever!

Sherri May 8, 2013 at 6:51 pm

Vulva! Vulva! Vulva! You wax your VULVA, not VAGINA! Vaginas are the holes where dildos, fingers, and penises go. Vulvas are where hair grows (could it be a poem?) Been there. Not only was I concerned about my fatness, but also my age (51), and my underlying reason for getting a my hooha waxed – was I doing it to please my partner and not myself? Was doing it giving in to the woman-hating so prevalent in the world? Was I setting a dangerous precedent – did waxing my vulva and bum mean that I was agreeing that women’s vulvas just aren’t good enough as they are? That mine wasn’t? Turns out none of that was the case. I did it because I was curious. Hurt like a son of a bitch and turned out that I was allergic to the wax, so I ended up looking like I had measles down there, plus the ingrown hairs were a nightmare. I stopped waxing after a few months and it took half a year for things to normalize. Thanks for sharing your, uh, experience.

me May 8, 2013 at 10:31 pm

I had a baby leg coming out of me. It WAS the worst, especially since nobody believed me until I could get a nurse to look. :(

Christy Cummins May 10, 2013 at 5:29 pm

OMG!! I just found your blog for the first time today and I am laughing so freaking hard! I have not had a bikini or Brazilian wax and probably never will–now! But you are so funny. Junk drawer, chubby girl foreskin… you’re killing me here!

Amberlee LeTourneau May 23, 2013 at 6:04 pm

How did I miss this little gem? :x bwahahaha! I was reading “As It Stands” when I saw you mention this so I had to head right over here to read it.. wow. I’ve thought about getting this done, but after seeing your face at 1:56-1:58… HELL NO!! You look so terrified lol My little sister got it done, but it didn’t go well and she said she left looking like a zebra… which I have NO IDEA WHAT THAT MEANS, but it’s not good. You are a brave and stronger woman then I…

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