I’ve always been a shaver. It’s easier, cheaper, and I can do it myself, which is typically how I like to address my vagina outside of an intercourse or baby-coming-outta-it setting. For those things, I’ve found the involvement of others is best.
I tried waxing once in high school…sorta. Of the various awesome things to come out of the 90′s (hello Crash Bandicoot ), Nads had to be one of the best. In theory. So, Nads was like, this heatless wax goo invented by some Australian lady for her hairy daughters. You just spread it on and pulled the hair off, super easy.
So, I secretly bought some and holed up in my bedroom to try and give myself a bikini wax, because a hairless cookie ranks high on the list of shit I didn’t want to talk to my parents about. Along with birth control pills and lost tampons. I’d have to figure it out on my own.
However, once I spread it on, I couldn’t get it off. I used the cloth strips and even trying to scrape it off, but it just globbed on there for days. Eventually things started sticking to it. Like balls of cotton and loose change. My vagina had become a junk drawer of artifacts.
I swore off waxing.
Technically, life should have gone along well enough after that. I was destined to be a shaver, so I’d do one big shave, and then keep up with it every few days to keep things manageable. But that never happened, I was simply too lazy.
Every shave was the “big” shave, and I would exit the now freezing cold 40 minute long shower covered in chunks of hair like a Sasquatch with tennis elbow.
I wanted a wax, but I had so many fears. What if my vagina looked weird? What if she had to lift my stomach or thighs to get to it? What if it smelled odd because I was so fucking nervous I just sweated everywhere?
I would casually inquire around to friends who mentioned having it done, but there’s no classy way to ask, “so hey, did they have to lift your fat up, or was the table inclined so everything just kinda rolled back on it’s own?”
Chubby girl foreskin, it’s a big, sweaty palms, sort of deal.
Eventually I figured the only way I was going to get all the answers I needed, was to just go do it. So, I made some calls until I found a waxer who not only did Brazilians (many only offered bikini waxing, which is not the same, they only wax what is seen coming out of a bikini), and was willing to let me video tape it. Not it, but my experience.
Also, you’d be surprised how many people have existing “company policies” about video taping your own Brazilian wax. As if it’s a situation that comes up often.
Note: There is no flattering angle to tape a waxing, especially if you are trying to not show your nut snuggie on youtube.
So here’s what I learned.
1. Don’t worry about somebody looking at your vagina or your fat. Not only have they probably seen way worse (trust me, unless there’s a baby leg hanging out, you’re not the “worse”), but they are really just focused on the hair and following the direction it grows so that can wax you properly.
2. Also, don’t worry about the smell. I mean, worry about the smell if it’s suspicious and you need a doctor or something, but we all have scents, and before you even get your wax, you’ll most likely have to wipe your self down with cleansing wipes or powder, then put on paper underwear, and everything is kosher. Trust me.
3. A Brazilian wax means they wax everything, including your butt… because apparently there’s still ape hair there, wtf evolution? I know you think it will be embarrassing, especially if, say, you have a really really cute post-kid hemorrhoid there or something, but it’s not. And it’s also the least painful area they wax.
4. It hurts. It’s tolerable, but stings. They say that the more you do it, the less painful it becomes, that could be because less hair comes back, as waxing destroys the hair follicles, but the first time kinda blows. If I had to compare it to something, I would say less painful than a tattoo, but more painful than a eyebrow wax. The worst place being the front of your vagina, the least painful being everything between your legs, inside the lips, and your butt.
5. You don’t have to be waxed completely bare, but if you want a strip or shape left on top, it can sometimes take longer as they work around the design. I know, the thought of being hairless felt a little pedo-feely to me, also. But…
6. It’s amazing. I really didn’t have any life changing expectations about this, and I roll my eyes when people tell me it feels “cleaner,” but it actually does, and I swear I went down two jeans sizes. Peeing was weird at first. I don’t know why, but I went from having a normal stream of pee to what can only be described as the sprayer thing attached to your sink that has, like, one wonky-clogged spray hole that makes it go all weird. It’s cool now, but I needed goggles for a while until I got things under control. It’s fabulous. Even my husband, who winced at the idea of me spending $60 to be skinned alive, loves it. A lot.
We talked about Brazilian waxing and more on last night’s episode of Last Call, if you missed it, you can check it out here!