I know my body. I know my thighs. I know how attractive I look fishing fabric out of the fold of my vagina.
Bottom line? I am not built for shorts. Even at my thinnest, like in high school when I thought I was a fat ass but would now drink the blood from the neck of a slaughtered lamb to have that body back, I still couldn’t pull off shorts.
So it’s completely understandable I spend my summers in jeans, more specifically, drunk in jeans, because who feels global warming when you’re drinking high proof garage brewed moonshine? Nobody.
But, we’re vacationing in Florida and I needed some options, so I decided to revisit the whole skirt and dress thing, even though, like jeans, I had previously written them off as well, you know, due to the crotch sweat and chaffing. You’d think with all the rubbing, eventually I’d just stop growing hair between my thighs entirely, like some sort of natural hippie hair removal, but no dice. In the past, I’ve been known to toss on a pair of Andy’s boxer briefs, sometimes even biker shorts, to combat the whole chub rub, but I don’t need the extra bulk or heat, so after some experimenting, I’ve decided Suave Clinical deodorant works the best for me. It’s like Secret Clinical, but without whatever magic witch doctor shit they put in it to alter your armpits in a way that no other normal priced deodorant will work for you again, ever.
Here’s what I’m wearing this week.
Many of you saw this gem from my instagram feed, and voiced approval with a resounding OMG I NEED THIS NOW. Trust me, I felt the same way when I laid my eyes on it a few weeks ago. This maxi skirt is from my latest eye-candy obsession, Hazel & Olive. So, here’s the thing, I’ve talked about dressing to shape over size about a million times now, but this is a concrete example. When I stumbled across Hazel & Olive, I was all, awww these skinny person clothes are adorable, how fun for them, let me eat my feelings about this in the lululemons I also can’t fit into. But, after clicking around and checking out a few things, I discovered that there might just be some totally workable pieces in there for my body, and since it was cheap enough, I might as well give it a go. This maxi skirt is one of those pieces. It has an elastic waist and a fabric with stretch, not to mention, the pattern is gorgeous, and when I put it on and it fit, everyone got laid.
Tip: Many of you asked how I was able to wear a thin strapped tank top and a bra with this outfit, and the answer is, a thin strapped bra. Which is super rare for us big ladies, but I am a fan of the tshirt and cotton demi bras at Lane Bryant. The straps are thinner, and easy to blend in with typical thin strapped camis.
Gypsy Soul Maxi Skirt, size XL, Hazel & Olive $39
Black Fitted Cami, size XXL, target $8
Gold Necklace, POPSUGAR
Gold Bangle Bracelets, Lane Bryant
UPDATE! Hazel & Olive has SOLD OUT of this skirt, but an amazing reader found it on Amazon, click here before it’s gone!
Hold the phone. Is that my midriff? IS THAT A FAT GIRL MIDRIFF?? Fuck yes it is, now let’s talk about it. I fell in love with this blue skirt last season at the Gap. I had been watching Mama Mia a lot, an I eat a lot of baklava, so I was just crushing on all things Greek, and this skirt fit that fantasy in my head where I was eating fish on a balcony in Santorini with some hot guy we can all say was Andy, but also sorta looked like Colin Firth. But the skirt was like $90, an that is not in my Taco Bell budget. Brittany doesn’t pay 90 Burritos Supremes for clothes. So, for months, I stalked the skirt, watching it fall in price more, and more, and more, until finally, finally, it was a much more reasonable 19 soft tacos. Victory was mine. Move over Sisters of the Traveling Pants, this bitch was going to Greece, metaphorically, really it was more like a Greek version of northern Ohio. but we have donkeys here, so it’s like the same thing. I played with this skirt a lot, and one of my favorite looks is just throwing it on with a super distressed denim shirt that I knot in the front and add some fun jewelry. Because that’s the beauty of maxi skirts, they hide exactly what you need them to hide? Fat thighs? No worries, they’ll be covered. Skirt too long? Tie a cute knot at he bottom along the side. Belly flap? Who cares, shove that shit below the waist band, and nobody is the wiser, which happens to be exactly what I do with maxi skirts, especially since the smallest part of my waist is right below my ribs. I explored Florida like a sexy Greek lady, and I felt gorgeous. Play with your clothes, y’all. Always.
Blue Silk Maxi Skirt, size XXL, Gap $19.99
Distressed Denim Button-Up Shirt, size 4 Target