Pink Eye

Last Wednesday, the school popped up on my caller ID.

Now, that single occurrence used to send me dashing to the phone, freaked out and scared to death at the news on the other end. But then, I quickly realized the main reason I happen to get calls from the school is for things like, oh hey your kid only has one snow boot…again? Or, um yeah it’s school picture day did you not send the order form in today because you don’t want any photographic evidence of this important time in their lives… again? Or, your son is singing that nut or ball song again, maybe wanna have a chat with him after school… again?

I get Eazy-E calls. I GET EAZY-E CALLS.

So when my phone rang last, week, I was like, ugh yes? And they were like, Mrs. Gibbons don’t freak out, but Wyatt is in the nurses office and-


This was a legitimate school phone call. Wyatt had pink eye, which in school terms apparently means “Wyatt is a Zombie, please come get him before he bites the others and everyone dies. Like, right now.”

So I threw on some clothes, rescued him from the containment room, and since I’d never dealt with pink eye before, and of course it was the day our doctor was out, I left a message with the answering service and Wyatt and I popped in to Rite Aid to check with the Pharmacist to see if there was anything over the counter that might relieve the itchy, gooey, pinky symptoms until prescription help came through.

I’ve never actually asked a pharmacist for help with stuff before, but I see them do it on the commercials all the time, so I assumed it totally happened in real life.

Hi, I just picked up my five year old from school, he has pink eye, and I was wondering if there was something I could get over the counter to hel-

Nope. Go see your doctor.

Right, yes totally, it’s just that he’s out on Wednesdays, and I left a message. He’s just miserable, so I was just looking for maybe something to give him a touch of relief.

No. Take him to his eye doctor.

Well, he’s five and he doesn’t have one yet?

Walk across the street, there’s one in the alley next to Kroger.

But, we’ve never been there before, do they normally give out prescriptions to strangers off the street?

Why wouldn’t they?

Why would they? That feels illegal…ish?

*awkward staring contest* *ugh Wyatt wins, he looks like he has the Eye of Sauron*

There’s nothing I can do.

Alright awesome, step one, get a hold of my doctor, step two, find a new fucking pharmacy.

A few hours later, after accomplishing both of those things, I had Wyatt resting comfortable on the couch, all eye-dropped up watching Netflix while I burned all his pillows and dumped hand sanitizer on every game controller and touch screen in the house.

I will be damned if any of the rest of us were going to get this crap.

Even though, how cute are pink eyes, you guys? I bet in the future, when we reach Hunger Games times, people will totally have pink eyes on purpose. Wyatt is just the Effie Trinket of his time, but whatever, right now society labels him a leper. Keep being awesome future District 12.

Except the next morning, Gigi woke up all…

shallow hal eyes

And then I died.

By Sunday night, Jude succumbed to the pink, and raised their conjunctivitis with sporadic high grade fevers, ear pain, and non-stop coughing filled with mucus that none of them would spit out until it got so bad, they just threw up the gooey snot everywhere.

Antibiotics and steroids and eye drops to treat respiratory infections, double ear infections and rabid pink eye. It’s like my kids went dumpster diving in the medical waste dumpster behind a hospital.

I feel like I haven’t slept for a week, and I’m surviving on pure adrenaline and grain alcohol. I’m so exhausted, Andy offered to “handle” dinner the other night and brought home a bag of fries and those McDonald’s McFish Bites, and like, I ate them without divorcing him or anything. They tasted melancholy; like the ping-pong game at the county fair.

I feel like you should win something if all your kids are sick at the same time, I mean, it’s probably written into Obamacare somewhere, but like, if your whole house is sick, you get affordable medicine plus a box full of Alpaca sweaters and that one Disney movie your kid totally wants to see, but is locked in the pretend “Disney Vault.”

Because, if having one sick kid is hard, having three sick kids is like standing in the middle of quick sand, and then some asshole gives you a piano to hold. That totally equals weird llama clothes and non-pirated Little Mermaid.

Facebook Comments



  1. Steph says

    Funny you should post that pic, because ever since that movie, that is exactly what I see when a pink eye walks in my office. Is it weird that when I walk in the room and see that I back up against the wall like I’m planning a prison break until I reach my computer. Get the script sent. Shuffle back out, avoiding as much contact with the pink eye victim as if the germs could sense my stare and follow my gaze right to my eyes. Pink eyes are gross. And feet.

      • Steph says

        Yeah, he just got my up-nod which is a greeting I usually reserve for a distance greater than 5 feet . . . . and situations of possible contagion transfer.

  2. Brandy says

    After dealing with my 4 year old having a stomach virus on Valentine’s Day, I thought it was it over. Boy was I wrong, I came home to my husband vomiting telling me my son went to stay with my parents (YES!) Then the baby got sick. Then at 11PM my parents called and said “he’s throwing up again and wants his mommy.” So at midnight I had 2 kids and a husband all throwing up around the house. I put the kids in bed with Daddy, put Pedialyte on the night stand, and slept on the couch.

    • DeltaJuliet says

      …and then the next day you get up to start getting ready for work, and your stomach feels kind of queasy but you hope it’s all in your head. And then you realize that it’s not all in your head. And you have a decision to make. Do you go to work, feeling like you’re gonna die, and piss all your co-workers off because they don’t want your germs? Or do you stay home from work, pissing off all your co-workers, and not get paid, because you use all your sick time taking care of your kids.

    • Brittany says

      After the billion time Gigi coughed directly into my open mouth… I moved to the couch also. I want my bed.

      • Brandy says

        oh yuck, I hate when that happens. On a different subject, I want my own room. I don’t why we share a room with our spouses. Both my kids have their own room. Where’s mine? Though everyone would probably still end up in mine.

  3. LouisianaMeredith says

    So sorry for ALL!

    That pharmacist is a douche & unless he owns the pharmacy, I’d complain–probably won’t do much, but I know *I’d* feel better.

    Hope all is back to normal soon….

    • Brittany says

      I think I will complain. The more days that pass, I just keep getting more pissed. WHATEVER RITE AID.

  4. Lisa D says

    I am SO SO sorry you have to three sick kids. With pink eye to boot. Ugh, that’s the worst. My 3rd old son had it a couple of months ago when my daughter was about 7 weeks old. I was the Purell Nazi. I refused to allow any of us to succumb to it. Anytime my eye itched I freaked out that I was getting it. He was assigned his own towel, was washing his hands constantly, and probably got sick of me saying “don’t touch your eyes!” And that was one kid! Good luck! You deserve a medal. And at least 3 locked away Disney movies.

  5. says

    Pink eye is the worst. The good thing is that you can save the drops until their expiration date and use them if they get it again without having to go to the dr.

  6. erica says

    That pharmacist is a jerk. There ARE some over the counter drops that at least help with being uncomfortable but yes the prescrip ones are the only ones that will make it go away. Also, in the pharmacy there is a natural over the counter med that you can put in your eye if you feel the gritty but like before pink eye totally takes over (sort of like eye Tamiflu or Zicam) and it knocks that shit out before it takes hold. My friend told me about it and it totally worked when I started getting it from my Husband. I also recommend that you throw away all current used contacts and open contact fluid if you have that sort of thing. Now that I am done spouting off responsible adult crap…

    OMG now I am going to have Eazy E in my head all-damn-day. “Well back back to the fing basics” It’s like the song that never ever ends and leaves me giggling like a 6 year old all day because no one knows what I am really thinking about when I am pretending to listen to them.

  7. says

    When I was potty training our daughter, there was an unfortunate sitation where her bare butt farted in my face. I ran out of the bathroom yelling to my husband that I was going to get pink eye and he assured me I was being overly dramatic. 3 hours later it felt as if someone stabbed my eye with a rusty knife. I had to live with the maddening pain for the whole next day because it turns out, doctors cant be bothered on Thanksgiving. Pink eye sucks.

    Hope you and your hubby escape unscathed.

    • Brittany says

      Ok I now take this urban legend as FACT. This is the greatest day ever. I mean, I’m sorry you got pink eye, but dude, IT’S FROM FARTS!

  8. says

    Ugh, mine went through this period too. It’s called “you’re all in grade school and will come home with every single frackin’ communicable illness ever invented”. They really will grow out of it I promise. It just sucks right now.
    On the plus side, if they are exposed to like, everything for the next few years, just think of how amazing their immune systems will be by the time they’re adults!

    • Brittany says

      Yes, I feel like at some point this will enhance their immunity, and thankfully, I’m getting to the point where I’m getting sick from them WAY less.

  9. JustAMom says

    I know it’s a bit late for this advice……. BUT – if you have any breastfeeding friends (or are a freak like me and can still coax a few drops out years after you weaned) breast milk works WONDERS on pink eye!!

    • Brittany says

      TRUE STORY. Someone told me this a couple days ago, and I squeezed the hell out of my nipple to NO AVAIL. UGH. I am dried up and sad.

  10. says

    Awww…that really sucks. I have some breastmilk I would happily squirt into your kids’ eyeballs if I could. Of course, that would really freak them out, I think. LOL.

    That pharmacist – very douchy.

  11. marisa says

    I’d like to get in on that health care plan. i started a day care job about a month and a half ago. ive been sick for a month and a half.

  12. says

    Oh, God. I certainly do not look forward to the “pink” that will undoubtedly invade my home someday. Thankfully, my children have been relatively healthy their whole lives and never sick together. I take back all of those mean things I’ve said about them behind their backs.

  13. jen says

    Agree with keeping the prescription drops. If you run out and this happens again, ask your ped to prescribe for the whole family cause chances are… (Ours does, which saves the grown ups separate co-pays and our own prescription costs.) And you may also want to (gulp) toss your eye make up as a precaution…

    Good luck.

    • Brittany says

      I bet they think you are a porn peddler and put them in spam, I mean, you OBVIOUSLY fit the profile:)

  14. Jennifer W says

    The eye drops are great, but my little one gets super whiny when his eyes hurt so I use tea bags. Google it! Dampen the tea bad then have them hold it over their eye for about 10 mins. They say Chamomile is best, but I just use regular tea bags. He says it makes his eye feel better, who knows, I just know it makes him stop complaining for a while :)

  15. Missy says

    This is happening in my house. Right now. And I live in PA – it’s like pink eye has gone global. It’s spreading like wild fire. First my 1 year old, now me, now my husband.
    She’s with her grandmother today. By nightfall she will no doubt be infected.
    It’s like a scene from Outbreak, and Dustin Hoffman is no where to be found.

  16. says

    Wow. I feel like it’s destiny that I found your site. My son’s nickname is EZ. His initials are EZE. scouts honor! Initially, we thought it would be funny to nickname him after a dead gansta but then it grew on us and we went ahead with it. He’s 21 months. And do you have any idea how many people who have NO idea who Eazy-E is?! I’m always shocked when I tell peeps my son’s nickname and they stare at me blankly and have no idea what I’m talking about. sheesh. Don’t you know your rappers?!

    Oh pink eye sucks major donkey balls. :/

  17. Mechelle says

    Oh you poor thing! The stomach flu went through our house a couple of months ago. I woke up thinking it was something I ate, then the 2 year old woke up, then the 6 year old. My lucky husband was working nights and couldn’t come home. My kids were freaking because they didn’t know why they were puking and pooping uncontrolably so they just stood in one place (my bed and living room) while I was trying to control my own pooping and puking so I could attempt to take care of them. WORST. NIGHT. EVER.

  18. Michelle says

    My 2 1/2 year old started with it last Monday and this afternoon my 6 month old was crusty. Just checked on her and she is full blown gunky. Pink eye sucks. Putting eye ointment on a toddler is like bathing a cat.

    I feel like I’ve said nothing but “don’t touch your sister” for a week and she still got it.

  19. Jolene says

    Holy Hell. I LOST MY SHIT in a CVS pharmacy on Christmas Day. Let me tell you about it. My son (his FIRST CHRISTMAS) got a nightmare of a double ear infection. Took him to urgent care on Christmas day and they sent us to get an antibiotic for him. Waiting in line at the pharmacy for 30 minutes (which I was not worried about..because HEY Asshole it is Christmas!) and this Snatch Face of upper class woman starts screaming at the top of her lungs about not wanting to wait any longer and she is paying cash and her husband is sick in the car and can’t they just hurry up and on and on she went. Meanwhile, I and a few other tired Mommy’s away from our kids on CHRISTMAS Fracking day are looking at this woman with SO much hatred. Finally..I snapped. I YELLED “SHUT UP! DO YOU THINK THAT ANY OF US WANT TO BE HERE RIGHT NOW ON CHRISTMAS DAY?! JUST SHUT UP!!” The pharmacist may or may not have given me my 10$ script for free that day.

  20. Emily says

    Oh, so sorry for all the bodily fluids glopping around your house. I teach third grade and the amount of stuff that comes out these little people is seriously amazing. I never thought I’d see the day when I could watch a kid throw up and not start barfing myself, but it has happened. Perhaps I am growing up a bit.

    Also, there must be some sort of special medal we can get for you, because I would say at least a half of the parents here DO NOT pick up their children. They leave them here for the remainder of the day. Or knowingly send them to school sick. We sent 12 students home from one class a few weeks ago because the parents would not keep the kid home and they caused an viral spread of something. Awesome.

  21. LinzJupiter says

    ‘Wyatt is just the future Effie Trinket of his time, but whatever, right now, society labels him a leper. Keep being awesome, future District 12.’

    I think I just nerd-gasmed in my pants. Marry me.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *