Unhappy Ending

There are two things in life I won’t do. Hard limit.

1. Take a cruise. Boats. Ocean. Deep water. Claustrophobia. Sea beasts. I don’t care how awesome Road Rules Semester at Sea or The Suite Life on Deck made it look. No. A million times over. If Waterworld became a real thing, it would be the second worst time ever that Waterworld became a real thing.

2. Get a massage. I have control issues with my body, and I dislike that I can’t control where people rub me in the incense hazed guise of relaxation. I’m not relaxed, I’m freaking out your going to rub my fupa.

Unfortunately, Andy has always wanted to do both of these things, and I have made if very clear that he has my blessing to do either, no hard feelings, it just won’t involve me.

So, Thursday morning, my alarm goes off at 6:15am.

Some days I have to scream upstairs at the kids to get up, other times it’s unnecessary because their tiny sweaty bodies are already globbed all over me breathing heavily into my personal air space.

That particular morning I woke up to find a giant hairy man snoring beside me.

Andy what the fuck, did you oversleep?


You’re going in late?


You got fired?!

Jesus, no. I called off.

Awesome. I was going to get so much done, you guys!

We woke the kids and got them dressed for school, lunches made, and Andy even volunteered to drive them, which meant, holla, no bra for me. So, while they all packed into the car and drove away, I celebrated in the kitchen, reading my email and eating the cold boneless buffalo wings leftover in the fridge.

I could do this because aside from working and painting the hallway, I had zero plans for the day. You see, I basically decide what to eat based on my day and how close I’ll be to a bathroom at any given moment. A writing day means sweatpants and my own bathroom, hence, cold spicy chicken for breakfast.

Andy walks in an hour later and gets in the shower. It’s weird, but then again, he isn’t off very much, and clearly doesn’t realize that when you aren’t around the kind of people with buttons and zippers on their pants, you totally don’t have to shower. But, he apparently has a routine, it’s adorable he wants to look nice for me, whatever, I made myself at home on the couch with my computer because, as we all know, Miley Cyrus hasn’t picked a wedding dress yet, and I’m obviously not the only person on the internet concerned about this?

So, he comes out of the shower and is like, hey you should take a shower because I have a surprise, and I’m like, dude, I’ve seen your surprise, and it’s impressive, but I have to work work this morning and I don’t feel like shaving.

Then he gets all pissy, because like all surprises (which, by the way, I hate), I’ve forced him into a corner and if he wants me showered and presentable, he has to tell me.

Dammit, I’ve booked us a couples massage, it’s a late Valentine’s Day thing, it was supposed to be a surprise.

And then I gasp, because he knows, he knows, I am very bad touch about the whole massage thing.

Andy no. Why would you do this, I changed my mind, we can totally have sex, I just- no, no this can’t happen.

The other night at dinner you said it sounded like fun when Mark and Jenelle said they had one.

Well, what was I supposed to say? Ew, that sounds horrifying I’d rather blow a disease infected hooker?

It’s too late, I’ve already paid for it, and we have to leave in an hour.


He didn’t care. I had to shower. I had to shave my whole leg, all the way up. I had to show up wearing no make up or jewelry and try, super hard, not to crap on the table.

I wasn’t even mad when we walked into the place because I was way too wrapped up in my own panic attack. I’d save my anger for an appropriate time when I can misdirect at him more effectively.

We filled out forms, took our clothes off and climbed under the white sheets of two beds, side by side.

The xanax was kicking in, I was starting to feel… manageable. It was only 60 minutes, and I’ve faked enthusiasm for way longer than 60 minutes before… sorry all baby showers I’ve ever been invited to.

Two middle aged women come in and they turn on music that’s basically just depressed whales moaning at each other and turn the lights down. My lady starts rubbing my shoulders and it actually starts to feel good, but I’m getting, like, crazy hot. As she does her thing, beads of sweat start to run down my forehead and upper lip, and I’m realizing… bad things are afoot.

I got hot, clammy, my stomach started clenching into itself, and I had no idea what end stuff wanted to come out of, but she wouldn’t stop touching me and Andy paid so much money, I just had to get through this.

She was massaging my ass all, is this pressure okay for you or do you want more?

bridesmaids jordan almond

And as I laid there clenching, the teeniest tiniest little hiccup escaped it, like a small little whisper of like, greeting… or warning. Probably warning. I feel like we both just pretended it was a whale, and I was like, no I feel like this is the appropriate pressure at this time, this feels so great, all of it, all of it feels so great, this is the best day ever.

Hours later we were done and they left the room all, okay take your time coming out, because I don’t know, maybe people have sex in there after? I, on the other hand, leapt off the table and ran into the attached dressing room that happened to have a toilet, and… it was all over. Andy came in all concerned and a look of horror spread across his face.


What the hell is wrong!?

I don’t know, it must be all the toxins or something coming out of me, just please, throw that incensey thing in here and go.

We walked out of the spa dressed but pale, and when we reached our car, Andy leaned against the door and threw up.

We had the flu for four days. I can’t eat chicken wings for the rest of my life. And, I don’t think Andy will ever try and surprise me with a cruise. I’ll call this Valentine’s Day a draw.



Facebook Comments



  1. kate says

    Hilarious and awful. The only massage I ever had I was so hungover I had to keep asking the nice gay man to stop so I could run to the bathroom and dry heave. And I was sore fordays aafterwards! Massages are totally overrated.

  2. says

    This is why I will forever read you. Anyone that talks about being worried that they might, MIGHT, crap on a table… I will forever be a fan. Plus I will also never take a cruise. I have to see land at all times. If I look out and all I see is ocean, believe me I will go crazyface because my mind will be convinced that the boat will sink and then I’ll never again get to watch Lane Meyer pat more pigs or wonder if in fact I might be able to date Beth.

    That’s a lot of thought processes, huh?

  3. Lisa says

    OMG can’t stop laughing! I’m curled on my bathroom floor waiting to die because this is either morning sickness or fuck you antibiotics that MAY MAKE YOU NAUSEOUS!

  4. Rachel says

    Holy mother of god, I am so glad you shared that with us. I hope, in retrospect, that is as funny for you as it is for us.

    Right after my ex and I started dating, we went to a state park to have a picnic by this gorgeous waterfall, and it was so romantic yada, yada, yada. As we were leaving, I started feeling the bad rumbles. As we’d only been dating for like three weeks and were totally in the “of course I don’t poop” phase of our relationship, I politely mentioned that I needed to stop at the restroom on the way out. Except the women’s restroom was being cleaned, and there was already a line of 20 women waiting for it to be re-opened.

    But I was okay. It was a short drive to his apartment. Surely I could make it til then… Except was soon as we pulled out onto the road, I broke into a cold sweat. My entire body was flashing cold while I dripped giant beads of sweat. He felt my thigh tense and noticed me white knuckling the door handle. “Are you okay?” Yeah, sure. I’m fine. But, ummm, I have to pee really badly. Didn’t we pass a gas station on the way here? Maybe we could stop there…

    Then I started panting with the effort I was making not to shit my pants in his car. But I saw the stoplight that I knew heralded the arrival of the gas station, and I knew I could make. I *would* make it. Except then a fire truck came barreling through the intersection, changing out light to red, forcing us to stop, and making me weep bitter, bitter tears. Just as I was ready to jump out of the car and drop trou behind a bush. the light turned green, and propelled by his fear of what could possibly becoming out of me, he barreled into the gas station parking lot. I leapt out before he got the car completely stopped and ran for the key.

    Praise God and all the angels, the restroom was clean. It was the most relief I’ve ever felt. I don’t know how long I was in there… you can’t quantify an experience like that. But after the storm had passed, I looked up and noticed that the window above the door was open. Ooookay. No big deal. He’d parked across the parking lot away from the door. Except then I open the door and he’s standing *right* there. On the phone. With his dad.

    So yeah. 8 years later, it’s a pretty funny story.

  5. Kim says

    I’m so sorry that happened to you, but so glad you decided to share it!! Hysterical!! Tears streaming down my face, 3 year old asking why I’m crying kind of funny. I apologize for laughing at your misfortune, but we’ve all been there at some point.

  6. Kim says

    I was attempting to eat lunch while reading this post and, just like when watching that scene in Bridesmaids, my appetite mysteriously disappeared….

  7. Lisa says

    I’m sorry for laughing as well but good God that was hysterical!! My husband and I are heading to Boston next weekend and I was thinking of doing a double massage…I may need to think again! Thanks for sharing, that was awesome!

  8. says

    Why do the husbands do this??? I feel like mine always goes out of his way to gift me something I specifically say I do NOT want. :) But, uh, yeah, thanks. The throw-up outside is just icing on the cake! hahaha!

    • Lara says

      I suppose it’s because they want to buy it and they want you to like it. Maybe it’s like some wonderful fantasy they have. They imagine how perfect it will be when they get you this wonderful, amazing gift. Nevermind that you have specified different things that you would appreciate and what you most definitely wouldn’t. It’s like the time I told my then boyfriend, now husband, that I wanted Hershey’s Special Dark Chocolate and he showed up at my door with flowers. Yes, I love flowers, flowers in a field that I can look at. I wanted to eat chocolate. Both of us were disappointed.

    • DeltaJuliet says

      My husband signed me up for a race as a Christmas present this year (well, last year I guess 2012). Now I have been casually running but I don’t do races. I do it for myself. The key is HE ran this race last year and he wanted ME to run it this year, since HE did it last year. Never mind that I had no interest in it whatsoever.

  9. says

    I’m wondering if there’s something you forgot to tell us or if I just missed this fact somewhere, but you shaved your whole leg, all the way to the top. Just one whole leg. That would be kind of fun to mess with the massager. One smooth and soft leg and one totally prickly leg.

  10. says

    I guess it is the thought that counts. Have any of you ever heard of or read the 5 love language? Well in the book it list five different love language and it helps you figure out your or spouse, lucky for the both of us the language of “getting gifts” was not one of are love language so situations like this dont happen to us.
    Great post it made me laugh, husband huh, just trying to be romantic.

    • Dana says

      I made my husband (of 8 years) do a love languages thing a month ago. His was “physical touch” or something like that. I was more of a split between quality time/acts of service… the problem though, is that I have 3 small kids, a cat & a dog who ALL want my physical attention every waking minute. And then hubby comes home and craves cuddling and touching and I’m all “leave me alone!!!”
      I have no point really, I’m just using this to vent. lol

      • DeltaJuliet says

        If it makes you feel better, I am right there with you (except I have 2 little ones, not three. Same idea though)

  11. kristeneileen says

    Mine (before I got rid of it) booked a couples mud bath on our honeymoon. Lucky for me, I was knocked up and couldn’t do it. Points for the slutty bride!

  12. Dana says

    for Vday at our house this year I posed for pinup photos. I gave it to my husband and got a very nonchalant response. (I got bouquet of 6 Toblerone bars with roses on the box… which he bought the day of… because I told him he had to do something for me this year.) an hour or so later I passed out after getting the kids to bed. I thought doing sexy photos was supposed to lead to hot sex…?!?

  13. Sarah says

    The day started so well! If only hubby knew that he could butter you up simply by taking a day off. I had a similar gastrointestinal emergency, sans massage. Hubby and I were out on date night, and there was no way I was going to make it home. We stopped at a grocery store, but they were closed. A blockbuster saved the day. Hubby frequently teases me, saying lets go back to xxx restaurant. He remembers the event fondly. Men!

  14. LouisianaMeredith says

    Where to begin? This is one of the best entries of all time, methinks!

    First, massages are a total hard limit for me and, even if I woke up in a parallel universe in which I had the body of Beyonce’, I wouldn’t have one. Walk around naked all the time in that body? Fucking A. Massage? Fucking never. Yet, every single year, my Mama gives me a gift certificate for a 90 minute (Whaaaaa?) massage. I’ve explained until I’m blue, but still it cometh. If I can swap it for other spa services, Win! If it’s from some Massage-centric joint, I’m all “Here ya go, Baby Sister (aka “Skinny Bitch Who LOVES massages)–enjoy!”

    Best line, perhaps? “holla, no bra for me!”

    Yet more common ground for us: Food choices based on proximity to bathroom. What? Doesn’t everyone do this?

    The pic, gif and visual of Andy vomiting? Bonus! (Sorry, Andy!)

    Outstanding, all around!

  15. Cheryl S. says

    What a nightmare. I’m so sorry that happened to both of you. (But, you made it sound so funny!)

    Glad you’re feeling better!

  16. Urbanvox says

    Lol! Thus is awesome! Well… Not for you obviously… But awesome reading… Am still laughing… Sorry… No I’m not! But awesome!

  17. Linda says

    OMG! I can totally understand your phobias. I hate massages, first because I am probably the most ticklish person you’d ever meet and cannot stand anyone touching most parts of my body.
    Second, if I wanted anyone staring at my lumpy bits and stretch marks, I’d stand in front of a mirror, thank you very much.

    I also hate cruises, always have, always will. I get seasick and claustrophobic, and now with that whole Carnival disaster, I feel so much better when I tell anyone that I hate them.

    Another reason—and this is probably TMI–I have many stomach issues. I don’t go camping or to places where I don’t know if they have bathroom facilities; and I hate long car trips. My stomach can turn on a dime. Even a drink of water can suddenly cause it to make that awful sound and then I feel that horrible sensation, and I have to run to the bathroom.
    I even wondered if I had Crohn’s disease but my Dr. told me I just have a overactive bowel system…WTF?! Gee, thanks… At least I am never constipated…

    Sorry about your experience. I am guessing Andy will pay more attention when you tell him you hate something from now on. And, if he forgets and books a cruise for next year, send your mom with him. :)

  18. shellyere says

    I couldn’t find a link to email you this so I’ll just put it on the comments. There’s an ad on the right side of your site about dating older women and honestly, she’s practically naked! Sometimes I read this at work and don’t really want that ad being seen. Is this a random advertisting thing that gets selected? I can’t be the only one who sees it.

    Just wondering…thanks.

  19. says

    OMG. I laughed so hard I cried.

    I had a massage in India once in which the old lady who was massaging me not only accidentally cradled my head in between her two large bosoms while she rubbed my FRONTAL REGION, then she accidentally swiped my private lady area multiple times while doing my upper legs which normally does not include my private lady area. Needless to say, I’m over my touch issues. Sort of trial by fire. Or immersion therapy?

    Anyway, I loved this.

  20. Steph says

    Two words….. ‘rrhea sweats’…I feel your pain, and I think that’s why I laughed so hard! Thanks for keeping things real!

  21. says

    Just gotta say, BODY LOVE PEOPLE! I’m definitely curvy (size 16) but I love getting massages! I feel a bit uncomfortable at first, but I’m able to get past it because it feels. so. good.

  22. says

    I would love to share this over on my blog The Real Rub- Life As A Massage Therapist. Is that okay with you? It’s a fantastic massage story and from the eyes of the client. I love it!


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