Part One: Home from L.A.

Well, I just flew in from L.A., and boy are my arms tired.

No, seriously. I drank heavily the entire flight and challenged everyone in first class to an arm wrestling match; my biceps are exhausted.

This was actually a really scary trip for me. I mean, let’s be honest. I’m not thin. I’m not trendy. L.A. is both those things, and also, there’s no bread anywhere, and it smells kinda like smoke and pee, but in a really fun way. Maybe that’s just my sensitivity to those smells, as you can’t smoke anywhere here, and it’s too fucking cold outside to pee, plus it throws off the deer.

But, after a quick pep talk in the handicap stall of the gate D16 public restroom, I emerged confident-ish, promised myself to not be intimidated and to come from a place of yes.

Yes, I’ll ride that fucking donkey.

Meeting the producers, Greg Grunberg and Brad Savage was the scariest part. We were to meet at brunch on the top of some hill somewhere, and I was so nervous getting ready, I just started sweating everywhere, like… everywhere. So, I ended up sitting on the air vent in my underwear eating a pre-brunch pop tart, watching GMA and working on my non-Ohio/General American accent. Which means less “y’all” and “pop” and not ending my sentences with prepositions.

Thankfully, as I walked up to the restaurant in my denim shirt dress and cowboy boots, Rod Stewart was there fighting with his one son that was on that reality show with Tori Spelling’s brother. He wanted his dad to buy him a house, but Rod wasn’t having it, so thankfully, that coupled with the sheer awkwardness of Rod’s tiny pants diffused the situation and I walked up to the gang totally not nervous at all.

Even as I fished a dollop of cream cheese out of my bra just as Jon Voight walked up to our table to say good morning, not even a twinge of anxiety.

Our Have Boobs Will Travel chariot. My parents drove one of these when I was in junior high. At the time I thought they were ruining my life. Now, I just realize they were bad asses.

Greg Grunberg acts irritated that I gave him the bow job face in the rear view mirror, but secretly, I bet he thinks it’s adorable.

Keili and I after hair and make-up, immediately before doing green screen work wherein we learned, some people have a natural instinct to hug (Alice), others have an instinct to make every situation look like she’s having anal sex (me).

Being force fed In-n-Out fries, animal style. There are worse ways to die.

Hanging out with the Band From TV guys. Fun fact, the dad from 7th Heaven? He was in this movie in the 90’s called The Babysitter’s Seduction.  I never wished I liked kids enough to babysit so much in my life, like, ever. I have a crush.

I don’t know that I owe you an explanation for this.

That was kinda the tone for the whole trip. Me being myself on camera; making random celebrities all over Southern California feel weird. Like Michael Bay. Who I met while being hoisted up into a Firetruck, wearing a hat, by a gaggle of firemen.

If you were to ask me a year ago what my dream job would be, the answer would always have been to write a sitcom. I wouldn’t even have to star in it, it was always the writers of the comedy I was enamored with, after all.

But, I don’t know. Seeing someone like me, with big hips and thighs, who has a double chin when she laughs too hard, who never eats a hamburger just for show and remains unapologetic for her cursing or her flirting, regardless of her size… I think I want to see more of that. We don’t always have to be the funny best friend, you know.

 Follow the rest of my trip on Instagram.





Facebook Comments



  1. Kait says

    I get the appeal of Eric Camden but HELLO… Jesse Spencer…aka dreamboat Chase from House?! Swoon. And much like your ambitions, I’d love to see more girls like US, hips and thighs and love for carbs and booze, and laughing too hard at our own jokes… You’re an inspiration.

  2. Sarah says

    ending sentences with prepositions must be a Midwest thing because this Minnesota girl does it ALL.THE.TIME!!! I had a college roommate laugh her ass off at me because I ended a question with the word “yet” rather than saying “still” somewhere in the middle of the question.

    incorrect (i guess): Aren’t you done yet?
    correct (whatever): Are you still eating?

    Whatever, this girl is done talking like this ….yet.

  3. Katie says

    Yes! You should be on television because the one thing that I’ve thought since the moment I was introduced to your blog is that you are a truly beautiful woman! I think the other people on “Have Boobs Will Travel” should be very afraid, because you’re already my favorite person on the show, I have ever intention of DVRing the show, and praying it comes out on DVD so I can buy the whole season. You are awesome. You are totally the spokesperson for “Curvy Girls are Beautiful, HEAR US ROAR!” And your sense of humor rocks and I totally wish I hadn’t moved from NW Ohio to Chicago because I’d totally ask if you wanted to hang out sometime, hell I’m tempted to offer anyways on a trip home because that would be like epically awesome!

  4. Jeanette says

    You look fucking BEAUTIFUL in that picture. Jesus you look beautiful in most pictures but youre kinda my girl crush so. Yeah. Im not a creepy stalker or anything.

  5. Adria says

    What I need to know is WHEN??? 1) When can we see this creation? 2) When are you coming to visit me? 3) When can I quit my job and be on your show and travel the world with you?

  6. wendy says

    Great pics! I’m really excited for y’all & can’t wait to see the show! Bravo on this piece as well! I hope you know you have a lot of us cheering you on! You go with your bad self..flirty fun loving person that you are!! Aww…and don’t give up on the “y’alls”…I promise LA LA land secretly loves them…I lay it on thick everytime I go back for a visit! ; 0)

  7. daisy says

    All of the words from above.
    Except the part about wishing I hadn’t moved from NW Ohio, ’cause I live in NE Indiana and that is kinda the same. Weather wise anyway.

  8. Amanda says

    I feel like you are the Curvy Girl superhero. You inspire me to dream bigger every single day. Thank you so much for that. :)

  9. says

    The Rey Misterio mask just gave you 100 Bonus cool points from my 11-yr old son! HA!
    Not that he reads your blog, but when he walked past and saw this photo and recognized that you’re a blogger I read religiously, he mentioned how jealous he was that YOU get to wear Rey Misterio’s mask and he doesn’t. And he hugged me and mentioned how cool my friends are. So thanks for that.

    Also….I’d totally watch a sitcom where the best friend is the skinny one and the show is all about the curvy girl! (Sort of my first attraction to the show “Mike and Molly”…. it hooked me because it’s hilarious.)

  10. says

    Oh thank god. I’ve found one. A blog that does not include the words “inane ramblings” or “just a girl with two dogs” or “diy cottage” in the title. Thanks for being funny and smart. I’m following youuuuuu. (I added the extra ‘u’s for creep-affect)

  11. LinzJupiter says

    Pop as in… soda? Yeah, us Canadians do that. I’ve kind of been curious as to how far the use of the word ‘pop’ spreads into the U.S. Every time some punkass New Yorker gives me attitude about it (“POP? EH?”), I’m like oh snap son don’t pretend like Midwesterners don’t do it too.

    Also, if it makes you feel better, I get a double chin when I look down, and I’m a size 5. But it looks extra weird on me, because other than that, my face is pretty chiselled and I look like a greyhound, so it makes no sense. This sucks for me as a musician, as a lot of the time, if I’m being photographed or videotaped, the action shots are me naturally looking more downwards.


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