Screw the Dinner Table

Friday night I came home from dinner with the girls, kissed the trio of messy haired mugs on the couch watching some apparent illegal form of Hotel Transylvania, peeked in at Andy playing some totally nerdy computer gun war game, went to my closet, pulled off my shirt, unbuttoned my jeggings, and went to the bathroom to wash my face.

I hunched over the sink, splashing and scrubbing my face with whatever grown up shit I’m supposed to use now, because I’m 30 and I still have the same blackheads I had when I was 14, and also because my dermatologist looked horrified when he asked me what I used to wash my face with, and I was all, oh you know, whatever is in the shower, like body wash or Vagisil and stuff. So out of pity and disgust, he gave me like 100 tiny sample tubes of this crazy expensive face wash made of panda hearts.

With my scrunched up dripping face, I reached for my towel to dry things off, and when I pulled it away I saw Wyatt and Jude eating pizza on the side of the tub talking about Lord of the Rings.

A few moments later, Gigi walked in wearing her epically over-priced ballet recital tutu, again, probably sewn together by panda hair, climbed up on the toilet and continued playing on her iPod.

I began my nightly ritual of creams, all neatly lined up in a row along the back of my sink, the bottles now matte with hairspray over-spray. Kiehl’s Midnight Recovery Eye Cream, Aveno for my face, and Bliss Blood Orange and Black Pepper body lotion for my arms.

There’s a giant tub in my bathroom. When we toured the house, I saw the master bathroom and fell in love with the thought of me, soaking in a deep bubble bath surrounded by candles and the Garden State soundtrack. I’ve been in that tub exactly once, and I had to use Monistat for a week after, just to get the itching to stop. Now it’s full of bath toys and features a faint rose colored ring from excessive Disney flavored bubble bath.

Sometimes looking at that tub makes me sad.

Andy walked in to find me lightly tapping the eye cream into place. That’s what the Asian girl I learned how to do make-up from on youtube told me to do. Tap, not rub.

He’s growing his hair out and looking to buy a sports car. I love that we get to go through quarter life crises together because it’s way less desperate looking when you’re not the only one belting out Taylor Swift lyrics into a hairbrush.

So anyways, it occurred to me there, in my bathroom, with my shirt off and people in various weird forms of activity around me, that this is where all our family communication takes place. Sometimes in the bathroom. Sometimes outside the door. Sometimes by shoving tiny fingers through the crack along the floor.

We are not dinner table communicators. First of all, you can’t see the television from there, and secondly, what would I do with all the unmatched socks and mason jars of urine?

Just kidding. We don’t wear socks.


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  1. Big Girl says

    One thing I have insisted on since we began our family is nightly dinner around the table. We may have the TV on. We may be in various stages of undress. But dammit, we eat together at the dinner table at least 5 nights a week! Sometimes my kids are sucky little humans and I make them go around the table and say nice things about each other. Sometimes we have sports and we can’t all be together. Oh well. My goal is to get everyone in a room together and connect. However that happens, dinner table, bathroom…wherever…it is vital to our family that we make time for each other.

  2. Adria says

    I seriously need to move to Ohio so we can be BFF’s. I moved into my new house last June and still haven’t invited my neighbors over because they all seem to have their shit way more together than I do, and I haven’t yet felt my cleanliness level or seating options would be up to par.

  3. Kassia says

    I so relate to this. Kids usually eat at the table while we eat standing up or after they’re in bed in front of the tv. Oh well. And I just turned 30 and need to step up my skin care. So far I’ve gone from baby wipes to actual make up removing wipes. It’s a start. Now on to creams… Other than the kid lotion that I usually slather on when I can’t stand the pulling cracking feeling around my nose… Baby steps.

  4. Marcia says

    Bathroom conversations are perfectly normal. Especially if your wanting to talk about something that may make your husband run. I always wait till he is sitting and comfortable. Then, I barge in, light a match and sit in the tub, talking about, ya know, girl feelings.

    • Brittany says

      Exactly, plus I think he fakes it half the time to get away from us. Welcome to family time, buddy. YOU DON’T GET A BREAK:)

      • says

        My husband fakes using the bathroom to get away so much. If he’s in there for a suspiciously long amount of time I know he’s faking it. Meharo will ask me where his father is and I’ll say “He’s pretending to use the bathroom. Why don’t you go get him out.”

        • Kristen says

          Mine does that too. I like to pretend I don’t know he’s in the bathroom, and open the door and act surprised to see him (with my 2-yo in tow). Once she sees him, quiet time is over.

      • DeltaJuliet says

        Is it that great? My eyes are looking extra….dry, crepey and tired lately…I’m looking for something new. And I’ll sacrifice my kids college educations if I can make my eyes look less mom-ish.

  5. Dana says

    we have actually moved our dining room table to the basement. we eat there on average, twice a year, so why bother? I’m not saying we don’t have family diners, we just have them at the coffee table in the livingroom.

  6. says

    We don’t use the table either. It’s for show, holidays and for large school projects that ultimately mean someone will be needing a ride in in the morning. The kids inevitably follow me into the bathroom or my bedroom or where ever anyway. Who needs a table?? Lol. Great post!!

    • says

      My dream house idea is to have a dining room with doors that lock. That way we can use the dining table the way it was intended to be used. For sex.

      The coffee table is for meals.

  7. says

    We do all of our snuggling, playing, professing of eternal love, and screaming laughter in our king bed. We can throw the children without fear of injury. It’s awesome.

    I like that when you come home, it’s the signal to congregate. That’s pretty adorable.

  8. says

    Tables are for people who don’t want to learn the fine art of balancing their plate on a pillow in their lap so they can watch their favorite shows while they eat. I rearranged things in my bedroom so I could put my nightstand next to our loveseat in the livingroom. I now have a convenient place to set my Coke while eating dinner. Plus, conversations totally happen while waiting for Netflix to auto play the next episode.

  9. says

    We rarely eat at the dinner table together. Heck, we rarely eat together. The boys are so picky that we have pretty much given up on making anything that everyone will like. So we just cook to our tastes and they can fend for themselves. Our conversations tend to happen over bedtime, or xbox, or computers. Being boys, as long as there is some kind of distraction, that’s the only way I can get them to talk usually. I do have to remind myself to shut the laptop and really listen though when they actually want to talk. I guess I like distractions too.

    And what flavor is Disney by the way?

  10. Cheryl S. says

    I feel so much better now! At the table, the princess wants to go watch her shows, daddy doesn’t really want to be there because he’s a late eater, and I wish everyone would be quiet for 5 minutes so I can eat in peace.

    Most of the time, we just eat where ever is comfortable.

    The talking, bonding, giggling and such goes on in the princess’s bedroom while we’re getting her ready for bed!

  11. says

    When I was in high school, we NEVER ate the table unless it was a holiday. We always camped out in front of the TV and that was that. When I went out on my own, I always ate in front of the TV. Then I had kids. And every sort of professional psychologist, psychiatrist, and psychic said that it was “best for the family to have dinner at the table EVERY NIGHT.” So that is what we do. Six years later, it still feels weird and foreign and I just want to watch TV! And NOT eat at the Early-Bird-Special time! About once a week, hubby and I will feed the kids at the usual time and make something special for just us. A steak or salmon or whatever. And every time we eat that shit right square in front of the TV. Cause that’s where I belong.

  12. Shannon says

    We have a saying in my house. “Can’t a person poop in peace???” I started it. I am a mother of two, Lela -6 and Bryan -2, and a husband who is one big kid. Our bathroom is smaller then a predator’s closet. But the truth is I wouldn’t have it any other way. At times its damn annoying but in all the craziness I have to say I love when I say I have to poop and my daughter shouts out “PARTY IN THE BATHROOM!”

  13. says

    Same here. Considering I use wrinkle cream, teenage zit cream, AND men’s beard removal cream I’ve decided it’s just as well we share a bathroom.


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